HUMOR IN PAIN

The one reading this may think I was in the cricket field. But this was told to me by my surgeon in the operation theater.

     Yesterday, I had a review with my surgeon. When I went to him, he asked me to go to the operation theater and then called someone and gave them instructions. My friend was with me,I went into the theater and I was asked to lie down . They removed the dressing in one  pull, the nurse was telling me to endure the pain. The Assistant surgeon walked in and had a look at the area where the surgery was done, and told me that there was fluid collection. He asked for a needle and syringe and then told me he was going to take out the fluid. He used some medical term for it, which I really can't remember now.

    The nurse was pressing from one side and I was really wincing in  pain. With out my knowing it, tears were flowing, due to the pain. He took out one syringe after another of a reddish fluid. When my mastectomy was done, I had a friend, a tube with a collection bag for ten days. But the lumpectomy it was not there as it was a small lump, the surgeon told me so. He then continued his work and then after sometime, He said"You have hit a century". What he meant was that he had taken out 100 ml  of the fluid. Hearing what the doctor said, I just laughed. Then the nurse and surgeon pressed the sides and then said there was no more fluid. The pain too subsided. It was such a relief to get rid of the pain.  But my relief was short lived. By night the pain was back.

   I just thought to myself, hope the pain is not for another century.

YET ANOTHER SURGERY.


It sounded so realistic to hear that I was ready to go under the knife. I was smiling, when my surgeon had asked me that question.
 
       On Wednesday, the 17th, I  packed my things with the enthusiasm of going on a vacation. I felt I was  again on a journey to defeat the invader that had gained entry into my body.  After the initial formalities, I was admitted to the same room I was,  during my previous surgery., Room no.27. The nurse came and put an IV set and gave me an injection. The duty doctor came and check my BP and pulse: and went away. My family doctor came and  just jokingly told "Look at this patient, sitting and smiling."

   At 2.45 pm, the theater nurses, came and whisked me away to the operation theater.  They changed me into a brand new robe and asked me to lie down on the table. They covered me with a sheet and attached the BP apparatus to me right hand. The Anesthetist started a medicine through my IV and fixed the oxygen mask on my face. The surgeon came and smiled at me. The Anesthetist told me she was going to give me an injection and I remember her injecting, and then I was blank.

       I had no idea what was happening. Later on I could hear voices  as if was coming from a distant place. I felt  I was wandering away and the voices were getting distant. For a second I was wondering what was happening to me and the next second I could hear the doctor calling out my name. I was trying to open my eyes but was not able to do so. Then I remember vomiting and the nurse wiping it. I opened my eyes and smiled at the doctors. I could hear the surgeon saying that the surgery was over.

                                          The first step of my battle was over, removing the home of the invader. The lump was sent for biopsy and then the wait for the result. The surgeon came and told me about the pain and that the lump was bigger than they expected.  The cardiologist came and checked me and said I was okay. I learned that I had to be strong in all circumstances. It doesn't bother me, that I may have to undergo chemotherapy, I have started my journey to fight it out and that is what mattered to me. Physically I know I have to go through it alone, but I know that there are a lot of people with me; my family and friends.

        I would like to thank all those who have been praying for me, and prayed for me; all those who were present with me to help me through all this.

Another New Experience Of My Life.


 The word "Pet", always reminds us of a pet animal at home. First time I heard of a Pet scan.  I went to my Oncologist because my ESR was high. He went through the blood results and found that my tumor marker result was on a gradual rise, last three months. So he told me that it is better to do a PET CT Scan. He just told me that it shows any significant tumors in my body and to call the scan people and take an appointment. He told me it may take four to five hours. I came back home and checked with Bharat scans, and they told me to go on Thursday with an empty stomach by 8 am.

On Thursday, got up early and my hubby took me to the scan center.  We were asked to go to the basement and we met the concerned person. We had to wait, and then he called a nurse to check my weight. Then I was given a dress to wear, which looked liked a uniform.  I was asked to sit in a room, where the nurse came and fixed an IV set on my hand. With all the chemo and the blood tests, getting a vein was not an easy task for them. She injected something into my vein, which was really cooling to the veins. Then they checked my height and then took my blood sugar. After that I was taken to the scan room for a scan. The person who takes the scan gave me instructions and went off and in 5 minutes it was over. I was asked to wait saying a doctor will come to check. We were called in by the doctor, who asked me my medical history. We waited outside. Someone came and told me about the whole procedure and that it would take four to five hours. I could see many of them with the same kind of uniform, all waiting for the scan.

  The PET CT scan is Positron Emission Tomography ( Computed Tomography). I do not know what it means. But today that is the latest in detecting cancerous lumps in your body. I was  inside where they gave medication. Others were not allowed to come in. I was asked to sit and a lady in charge came and gave me a big glass mug (Beer mug) full of medicated water and with a smile told me that I had to drink 7 of that. There were four other sitting there. I had the first one and kept my mug down, she came and poured the next one and asked me to keep a track of the numbers of mugs I was drinking. For a moment, I went back to a class room where we are seated in line.  All new experiences and the rapport the others had was really amazing.  The technician who took my scan came and injected into my vein some radio active elements.  I sat in the same place for almost four hours, which was like a punishment, as we were not allowed to talk or read, just sit there and drink the medicated water. All this while my hubby was waiting outside, it was really a test of his patience. I finished my sixth mug and the lady came and told me the next will be given just before going in for the scan.

  I was asked to go to the bathroom and come; then I was given my seventh mug of medicated water. After drinking that, I was taken to the scan room. Unlike the MRI, there were no sounds. I was instructed to lie down with my hand above my head. I was also told not to move. They told me the scan would take 20 to 30 minutes. Then he told me  that I would be injected with a medicine which would be painful and hot.  He requested me to bear it. The scan started and I was moved to and fro through a round machine which was open on both sides. After some time, he injected the medicine which was really painful and I could feel a burning sensation from head to toe. Again I was moved to and fro for sometime. Later I was instructed to keep my hand on my tummy. I was moved to and fro and then they came and told me that the scan was over. I was so relieved I could move my hand and legs. My left hand fingers had become numb and cold due to the IV set.

        We were instructed to wait for sometime as they had to check if they got all the slides properly. After sometime, he removed the IV set and told me to have something hot, either coffee or tea. He had a few instructions like, having plenty of water, not to go near kids less than five and near pregnant ladies. To use different toilet or flush with lot of water as the radio active elements would get flushed out of my system through my urine.  By then I was really feeling hungry and tired. My hubby too was starving like me.

   Now was the time of waiting, for the result. On Friday my hubby collected the result and we went to the oncologist. He read everything and inspected all the images.  A look at his face told me something was wrong. But I was prepared for anything. I was advised to see the surgeon the following day. We went to the surgeon, he went through all the reports and told me, there were two options, one to go for radiation or remove the lump. The lump was on the line of sutures of the mastectomy. The surgeon opted for removing the lump and sending it for biopsy to see the grade of cancer. I was told to take fitness from my cardiologist and then he would decide on the date.

   I didn't curse God. Nor was I sad. If God gave it to me, he had also seen that we have the means to go through the treatment. Had it been, even three years back, we wouldn't have had the means to undergo the treatment. I am happy for the little blessing given to me.   I have been given the strength to go through it and I have the support of my family, friends and also the doctors who treat me.

Today my aim is to live a life, where I can inspire others with my strength. Be a candle to light up someone's life. To be a loving, caring and sharing person.  I write about all my experiences to inspire others to be brave and face whatever comes in life with a smiling face. I know I have a lot of friends praying for me and at this time, that is enough for me to know I have a lot of friends who genuinely love me and care for me.  I have to thank my doctors, family and friends for all the support. 

Life with Cancer

As the saying goes"When the going gets tough, the tough gets going". Life after the cancer treatment has not been an easy one both physically and psychologically. But If there is a will to survive, then your battle is won. It is what every patient craves for, to know that they have clinically defeated their cancer and believe that it is behind them and incapable of making another assault. They like to feel healthy, happy and  unburdened once more. To be positive that  there will always be a will to never give up on life.

        My Chemotherapy and  radiations were over by first week of November, 2011. Due to chemo and radiations my Hemoglobin level came down to 7. I was asked to go in for blood transfusion. Both  of us were paranoid with the word blood transfusion. My hubby and kids were B+ and I did not have any known people with O+ blood. So we decided not to go in for it. I was determined to increase it with my food intake. When I went for my check up to my oncologist, I was happy to note that it had increased to 8. My Oncologist  examined me and jotted down something in his prescription. He just told me to give my blood for testing and added that if there is something alarming, he would call me.

 I completely forgot about it as he had not called me. Meanwhile I went for a review with my surgeon. He checked the stitches and   asked me for my oncologist's prescription. He went through that and told me that there was a nodule growing  at  one end of the line of stitches. He called up the pathologist and took an appointment for me and sent me to the lab reminding me to see him the next day. I went to the pathologist, but the operated area was numb and I didn't feel any pain when she did the needle biopsy. She told me that she felt that it was nothing to worry.

      The next day I went to the surgeon, he again examined me and then called the pathologist. She said it was not malignant. He sent me off asking me to come after a month. I went and met my oncologist too. My check ups with him was monthly. The next month when I went for check up, he found a lump in my left breast. He felt it was better to take a mammogram. Next day I went for the mammogram and I got the result.  

Meanwhile I went for my review with the surgeon and I showed him the mammogram. He told me to go for a MRI scan of my left breast. We went to the scan center and waited. My turn came after an hour. I went inside and put on their long robe, the nurse fixed an IV in my vein and asked me to wait. Then I was called in. When I went in they asked me to lie down on my stomach and leave my breast inside a cup kind of thing. The nurse put cotton in my ears, saying that was for not hearing the different kind of sounds. Then she pushed me into a dome kind of thing, with only my head out. They started the scanning; in spite of the cotton the sounds were so loud and deafening. Lying down there, I heard so many types of sounds, which I have never heard before. I laughed to myself, thinking this too may be a type of music. When it got over I was so relieved and the sounds were still ringing in my ears. They asked us to go the next day for the report.

The next day we collected the report and went to the surgeon. He went through the scan and report; and told that I would have to undergo an ultra sound guided needle biopsy, as the lump was little deep inside the breast. My hubby was a little worried. But I was prepared for anything. The next day I went for the needle biopsy, the pathologist did it guided by the ultrasound. We waited there for the report and it said that it was a benign lump. I took it to the surgeon and he told me that there was nothing to worry. I asked him to remove the breast, but he said until a malignancy was found it cannot be removed. I went to my oncologist; he told me that we would keep a watch over the lump to see if it was growing. 

        The chemotherapy aggravated many other problems that I already had.  The piles problem which never gave me any problem as long as I was careful with my diet, started being erratic. I did not know what triggered the bleeding of my piles. My oncologist advised me to see what caused it and stop eating those things.  Life sometimes bring you to such a state, that you don't know what to do. Then I started experimenting with my diet, a new experience, and started avoiding all that irritated the piles. It was a trial and error method of living. 

     My heart too started playing up. Sometimes it started racing. Sometimes when I went to bed, the palpitation was so bad I could never sleep. Whenever I went to the Cardiologist, he advised me not to be stressed. In spite of my medicines, I used to have palpitation. I thought that too must be due to my chemo medicines. An ultra sound of the abdomen  had shown cyst in my kidney and it was enlarged too. A fatty liver and that too an enlarged one.  Still I feel I am more blessed than many others. 

  I really learnt to live with all my health problems with a smile. It never bothered me that something was always troubling me. I was advised not to exert my right hand too much or carry anything heavy with that hand as the lymph nodes had been removed. I had to follow his advice or the hand would become fatter that the other. I had to do exercise with that hand daily. The area of surgery too pained a lot and the doctor had warned me that it may last for 3 to 4 years.

  Today I have learned to live with the pain.  It has become part and parcel of my life.  I have always been an independent woman, a quality instilled by my hubby from the time we got married. Today I am dependent  on  others as I am not allowed to ride the two wheeler, still I don’t trouble anyone for my shopping or my check ups, except the visit to the oncologist. I go on my own. That way I feel fit and healthy.

   Whatever illness you have, first you need a strong will to fight it out. Only then even the doctor’s prescription will work. When the time comes for you to go, nothing can be done. But that is not in our hands. Till then never ever give up. Face it with a strong will and fight it out.

   

SELF INTROSPECTION

Life sometimes takes you to such a point where you feel that you need a self introspection. Just to contemplate on your life and a self examination. I do believe that it is good for leading a stress less and happy life. It does help in refining yourself, makes you rethink of your actions and be checked by yourself. I have always tried to be a good human being. 

Today when I sit and look back at all the relationships in my life, I feel as a child I was care free. Nothing is there in your mind at that age.  As a kid I made friends easily.  Being an Army Officer's daughter, we always had to make new friends, because of the transfer. But at that age it really didn't matter. Till my schooling got over, it was a new place every three years or sometimes just a year. It was when I was in tenth I really became close to just one friend. Those days 11th and 12th used to be college. So again I went to a new place.

            Those days in Andhra 11th and 12th was known as Intermediate. I was put in the college hostel. All of them were friends. My roommates became my close friends. But after my intermediate,  I was back in my native village as my father had retired by them. The rest of my education was by correspondence. My hostel life and the times spent in my native place, took out the fear in me and I became bold. My first genuine friendship was when I went for type writing classes just for time pass and also an interest to learn something new. I met a girl Sarasa. A real village girl, we became very close and I knew what real friendship is  from her. Even after our classes got over, we used to visit each other’s house and spend time. She was in love with her cousin, (Muracherukkan). She used to talk for hours together about him. 

In 1980, once she came running to my house wanting to talk to me. The boy's parents felt her parents were not rich enough and wanted to look out for a girl. The boy was on leave and he was not allowed to go out of the house, a kind of house arrest. She was frantic to get in touch with him. Her parents didn't know what to do. Then one fine day, I heard that she was in the hospital as she consumed rat poison. I went to the hospital to see her. But, she did not allow the doctors to remove the poison, she bit off the tube that was inserted and she died. She was the first real friend I had. She still lives in my memory.

 After my wedding, the frank and open person that I was, learnt that to keep up any relationship, you need tact. We may have lot of relationships, but learnt that the most important thing was to maintain life in any relationship. I have had close friends when I was working as a teacher. Many have insulted my friendship for their own self interest. But there also I had two friends who made me understand that I was being used. They are still there for me. In the bond we had, there were no promises, no conditions; we never took each other for granted. Even though we never spoke to each other always, we were always very close at heart. They had other friends too, that was the freedom and space we gave each other.

Then, after my quitting teaching job, I got hooked into the internet games and Face book. I made a lot of friends. I still make a lot of friends. I met many of them. With some of them I had a unique bond, where they understood me well and I too understood them well. I joined Face book in 2009. I have made a lot of friends. I do try to keep up the relationship with all the friends I have made. I am not a perfect human being, but I have always tried to put myself in the other person's shoes when I deal with them. I have always tried to meet them too. Many of them have taken pains to come and meet me too. I can never forget those that stood by me in my hour of need, when I was going through cancer treatment.

 But cancer was a real eye opener for me. I realized with a jolt that life is not certain; we don't know how long we would be here. My outlook towards life changed. I wanted to look only of the positive side of life and people. I used to crib about others till then. I realized that it is better not to waste time in petty squabbles, egos, etc. I decided to change for the good. I patched up with those that I had kept a distance, called some of my old colleagues and did what I could to ease my own conscience, so that I never had any regrets.

      But today at the age of 57, I feel I have realized the complexity of relationships. What is true Friendship? Is it the same for each individual? Have I been a good Friend? I felt I needed a self introspection. It has made me sit up and think, have I been a good human being, a good friend, daughter, sister, wife, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, mother and now a new role, a mother-in-law. There had been times I acted stupid due to my ego, but now I am a new person altogether, trying to make up for all that. My metamorphosis started after my cancer and completed after a day in the ICU, to be a good human being that my family will be proud of and where I have no regrets of any kind. In the process of my metamorphosis, if I have hurt anyone, I would like to apologize to all of them.

   It is good to once in a way contemplate on what ever happened in your life and see if your actions really reflect your words and your positive attitude. Now I believe in Aspiring to inspire and be a glowing candle in other's life. I always believed in live and let live.  When a good human being starts being a human, it speaks for itself in their life.

Ashley Lorenzana quotes that “Even if you think you're doing well and have it all figured out, there is a voice you will always inevitably hear at some point which nags at you and says "but wait..." Don't ever dismiss it, listen to what it has to say. Life will never be close enough to perfect, and listening to that voice means stepping outside of you and considering your own wrongdoings and flaws.”