A crossroad of life.

Life sometimes brings you at such crossroads, that leaves you stranded in confusion. Sometimes it is life,s incidents. Sometimes it is some relationships. If you get swirled and swayed by those, then you can be rest assured that your life goes for a toss. Give it some time and contemplate on it. Never take anyone for granted. Respect the individuality of a person. Understand a person........it only widens a relationship when you are rash in your thinking of an incident.....or the integrity of a person. Think for a while, why and what could be the reason, without jumping into conclusions and judging someone. Think for a while what the indifferent attitude could do to a relationship.

Here I would like to quote Kahlil Gibran...... “Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow." 

It does not matter what or how much you give in a relationship. What matters is how you give, what you give and the understandings you have of the person. The freedom and space you give.....to breathe, feel free and the allowances you give for the growth of it. Let it be a foundation of love, warmth, care, affection, loving admonition , with the freedom and space to grow. Never a relationship of fear or a burden on the mind. Life sometimes brings you to such cross roads of confusion and thinking, just because of lack of understanding and indifference that is thrown at your face. When you realize your integrity is not respected, understood or rather appreciated.

Let is be a bond of give and take.. Let the spaces be such that you don't have a firm hold but a space of warmth, love and care which doesn't allow anyone else to creep in nor make it difficult to breathe. A bond that is a lovely possessiveness that doesn't make it difficult for either, and that which will always be looked forward to with wonder and warmth. A togetherness of love, warmth and care.

From the deep recesses of my mind and heart

Memories are that which comes to you, in times of solitude or when you face or see a similar situation in life. Some memories are sought after, because it gives you a sweet, bitter pain. But some of them you feel like locking it up in the recesses of your heart and mind. Not because it gives you pain, but you don't want it to surface again in life.

The journey through life, brings before us, lots of sweet and bitter experiences. Some are naughty in nature, some rebellious and some that teaches us bitter lessons. Childhood is that phase of life, that everyone likes to reminisce. The older generation I feel must have had lots of childhood memories to cherish. But today's generation, with the fast pacing world and competition, are deprived a lot of this time and space that makes them cherish their childhood. Sometimes I think of my childhood and think of my carefree, naughty days. The school days that I enjoyed a lot. But even those days, the scenario weren't very different, except that we had a few understanding people in school to guide us through. Nobody would believe that there was a rebel in me, who still lives in me. I too had those days, when the rebel in me really took birth. A year of careless words, a period of " I care too hoots" attitude.

   I would say, this is a period where one should put a label, "Handle with care" around. One wrong move, one wrong word could turn everything for the worst. But  always a word of caution for this is, "Handle with love, utmost patience." Always a word of appreciation,  a little time spent daily for the bond, the love showered upon,the understanding shown.....all this goes a long way in the making of the rebel to excel. Children are never born troublesome. The circumstances and the experiences makes them so.  The mental turmoil of a child, makes him or her a rebel. Understanding of that turmoil, filling that mind with hope, confidence, trust, love, care can bring miracles. A person to look up to, to find that wee bit of inspiration is all it takes to change a child. It is not a one day process, it takes little doses of this inspiration, faith, and growing confidence to boost  the confused mind to come out of the shell of rebellion that it has built around.

It takes patience and time to boost up that rebel to excel and outshine everyone. The effort put into this is worth more than any other joy this world can ever give. The result is the love and confidence of a young angel and what can be more desirous that that. That is what makes life worthwhile, that love gained is worth more than any precious thing in this world.

Lo and Behold, Is you favorite city Adversity?

Someone close to me once told me that my favorite city is adversity. Yes. In a way it is really true, because it is never a comfort zone. We are always facing the unknown, no matter what. It is in the face of adversity,we really learn how to live. We learn to face everything with courage and we gain the strength needed, from nowhere. We learn to face challenges. I read somewhere a quote that a challenge becomes an obstacle, only when we  bow down to it. It is very true, because as long as we are able to face a challenge, it is never an obstacle. We have to make up our mind that we are not going to be beaten by the situation we are in. It is the will to face any challenge that makes our journey of life a fruitful one.


Life is beautiful and worth living, when we have confronted all the challenges and come out triumphantly with a smile, telling the world, " Look I have come out of this, try me more if you  want." If life gives happiness, it is a blessing. But if it is pain, go through it with every atom of endurance. . It is no use wallowing in self pity or cribbing about our fate, because once we give in to self pity; we are killing ourselves, a kind of suicide. When we receive blessings, we never ask, "Why me?". But when we are faced with challenges we fret and fume.

I have learnt a lot the hard way. I find new joy, when I overcome each challenge thrown at me. I cannot change anything that happens to me. But I sure can change my attitude to what is happening to me. Life after cancer has changed my priorities. I love life and I try to use every moment of it, to do something that gives me immense joy. It may be a challenge to help someone, inspire someone or just be with someone who need that wee bit of inspiration. I have realized what matters to me and what doesn't.   Probably cancer taught me that " you live only once and to make the most of it, while you can." 

Even when I get into a tight place and everything goes against me, till it seems as though I could not hang on a minute longer, I have not given up on hope. Nor my will to never ever give up, because sometimes it is that place and time the tide will change and gain new strength to fight on. Challenges cannot define me nor beat me. I love to smile even in pain. When life tries to kick me, I give a broader smile to kick it back. I have always accepted the inevitable, and perhaps that is what keeps me going.  Each time I overcome a challenge, it is a beautiful feeling of victory, because today I cannot resist a challenge.

"Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful." 

Cancer is not a curse.

The word " Cancer" is still a taboo to many, even among the most educated too. It is considered to be a cursed disease, even with today's latest medical technology.  The first reaction to it is "Oh No, Cancer?"

Cancer is not the end of the world. Yes it does involve a lot of mental turmoil. When you decide not to give in to the disease half your battle is won. It is only a positive attitude towards the whole treatment, that can help anyone. The battle starts, from the time you feel a lump, but until the pathology report and the doctor's verdict comes, we need to think positive. Otherwise stress makes the person so weak and open to all type of emotional despair.I know it is easier said, than done. But having gone through everything myself, I am able to come to this conclusion.

Once you are told that the lump is malignant, it is better to  educate yourself about the treatment, its after effects and outcomes. The best person for this, is the doctor. The doctor always tells you about the do's and dont's of the treatment. Then mentally prepare yourself for the ordeal. I use the word ordeal, because it is not easy to sail through it for anyone, even the person with the strongest will. It needs a lot of will power to decide, " Yes, I am going to fight it out, and not going to give up my fight, what ever happens."

The chemotherapy is very traumatic. But not unbearable. You have to put your mind at ease first to go through the trauma. I found my solace in music, there is nothing music cannot do. Music can heal anything. The after effect of chemotherapy is not the same in every individual. It differs from person to person. Some may not feel anything. But most of them get ulcers in the mouth, mood swings, levels of electrolytes varying, nausea and sometimes diarrhea. There will be no taste in the mouth whatsoever. If you just think about it and lament, then there is no end to it. As soon as you can lift your head, it is better to keep yourself occupied in doing something that you love to do. I too did feel, many a time, that my control was slipping. But I was determined. Being given strong Chemotherapy, I was ready to face anything. Another trauma of Chemotherapy is loss of hair. It just comes out in your hand after two weeks of the first chemotherapy. So, it is always better to shave your head and be happy. I did just that. My friends used to tease me saying, I have a serene look, one saffron saree would have added to it. Apart from the pain of the surgeries, these psychological factors are more painful. Only with a determination and strong will you can go through it.

In my two years with cancer, I have undergone three surgeries,  needle biopsies and various scans.   I have considered each experience as one from which I learnt something new.  Never have I cursed God or asked "Why me?" Some say you suffer like this because of your karma. I don't know what it is. But I have only prayed for strength. I have been living with the pain from that time. Now if There is a day, that I get up without pain, I feel that there is something wrong with me. Doctor told me I have to live with the pain. All don't get pain.  May be it depends on the type of cancer too. I have accepted the fact that I have to live with it. So it is part and parcel of my daily life.

Here I would like to thank all my doctors, who stood by me. My family Doctor, Dr. Suchetha Banerjee who has been treating my family for the last 26 years. She knew me very well. She was a friend, counselor and guide for me. My surgeon & cardiologist, Dr. Siva Kumar & Dr. Ayyappan,  who always explained everything to me. Cardiologist would always give me a pat and tell me, So you have withstood this surgery too.  My oncologist Dr. Sivakumar, was an ever smiling man, who always greeted us with a broad smile. An ever patient man, who explained everything and cleared all doubts. His wife always had a kind word for all the patients. A mathematician, but gave up that profession to be with the patients, inquiring about each one's family and health. An ever smiling lady with a lot of positive flow on her.  She always used to tell me," Ma'am, you always have a positive glow on your face, that radiates." She herself was a  motivator.

The whole process is fascinating now because I feel like a different person. I must have become less feminine, but I consider myself beautiful still. Having cancer and facing death changed me. Better yet, I chose to change. I refused to allow this traumatic experience to break me. Instead, it infused me with a new drive to live, and do everything that I love doing and that which gives me immense joy. It awakened in me the infinite possibilities contained in living life fully, the best life possible. It brought in me the urge to inspire others.