Cancer a killer or a life saver?

Cancer is called the ' Emperor of Maladies.' It comes in many ways, many forms and in different parts of the body. Where it attacks is unknown. It is astonishing one multiplying cell can end up in a storm of anxiety. But when cancer attacks, it makes one realize the value of life and living in its full potential. “All cancers are alike but they are alike in a unique way.” ― Siddhartha Mukherjee, how true it is. It makes you fall in love with yourself in a very unique way. Though it gifts you with a lot of pain for life, it makes you realize that it is the pain which keeps you alive. The day, pain becomes an unknown factor, and then you cease to live in its full sense.

The rapport and understanding that I have witnessed between the cancer patients and survivors is immense. Probably they understand what pain is and what it is to be threatened with an illness that has the power to overpower you if you are not willing to give it a fight. They have a smile of understanding for the other, which is rarely seen in daily life. Each patient or survivor feels it is a ghost of a cell, which mutates and threatens behind dark curtains. I have heard many of them say, that it is a disease that none should get. It could be because they know the trauma of going through all the treatment and facing all the pains with a smile to defeat it.

Today, again I felt the irony of life and mused over it. A diagnostic center that would be seeing innumerable cancer patients and survivors daily, are surprised at the quirk of fate, gifted to me. I was amused at the thought of having an IV set on my leg, but they preferred fixing it on the side that was operated upon first. Talking to me they were surprised that I had three surgeries for cancer in three years and most of them had come for a routine scan. One man even told me, "Probably cancer has fallen in love with you." I smiled at his statement because I always say that to all.

 Cancer was the best thing that happened to me because I got back my lost self who was always one with nature. It gave me the time to do all that I had left out in the rat race of life. In spite of everything I feel blessed in many ways. I had the will to endure and celebrate my pain; make it a beautiful one that keeps me alive with a bounce in my step, a song in my heart, a burning fire in my soul and a beaming smile on my face.

The seeds of racing thoughts.

Thoughts are seeds that are planted  in the minds and have tremendous power to make or break. They are shaped by life experiences. It is an awareness of the thoughts and attitude that mold the core of every life. Every few seconds these thoughts come in the mind, that is like a flurry of seeds. Thoughts about everything and nothing, some are inevitable, some the heart commands and some that the mind's logic fight over the heart's feelings. Whatever they are, it is your attitude, but at times it does rule over the heart. You can either plant that seed of thought or let go of it in the wind.

These little seeds of thought, may have fear, bitterness, hatred, self pity, love, hope or goodness; rebelling thoughts that question everything,  or a passing thought that goes off as it comes, but some linger on and on. Most focus on the thoughts of hurt, struggle or insecurity and unknowingly you start watering it to grow. Left to grow it becomes an obsession, phobia or a dark cloud that can leave you in a mess. That seedling you planted continues sprouting, it affects your thought process and life; and the tiny seed of thought becomes an ugly plant that overtakes everything, controlling you.

These seeds of thought can grow and make you prisoner like a poisonous ivy. Thoughts can be such that you have a garden full of beautiful plants of peace, love, joy, hope and beauty and blossom in your speech, actions and attitudes.  But is it as easy as that? Yes and no is the answer. When the mind and body are at logger heads, it is a huge task to streamline the seed of thoughts. The negative responses around can affect the strength of mind when the body is not in your control. Thoughts are also gems of healing. Discard the seeds of thought that could harm you and water the good ones, which are good or bad ones again is a confusion for everyone.

Every moment of life seeds of thoughts are being planted, the question is if it is a beautiful flora from a steady stream of positive thought seeds or  thorny, tangled ivy?  Though each thought is small and insignificant, it could grow into something substantial. I learnt the hard way from experience that it is better to let go of the thoughts in the wind than let it grow. When pain is a constant companion of life and life itself is a daily battle, it is better to scatter the seeds of thought  in the wind than let it become a poisonous ivy that can victimize you. 

SILHOUETTES: Review of Songs Of A Solitary Tree, Trinity Mirror...

SILHOUETTES: Review of Songs Of A Solitary Tree, Trinity Mirror...: Review of Songs by the eminent literary critique Mr.V.V.S.Manian Thank you sir. Thank you very much for a lovely read.

The irony of a woman's life.

"Destiny is  the name given often in retrospect to choices that had a dramatic consequences." J.K. Rowling.

It is fate or it is destiny is a phrase often heard. But for me, I have always questioned the challenges that fate  hurled at me, on its face. I was always a rebel who questioned all the lines drawn for women alone in this society. But sometimes it is a sad quirk of life indeed that you feel the irony of being a woman, when mindset and comments of some people come as a slap on my face. Something verbal or a  situational  irony renders one helpless but for me, my instinct was to give a tight slap on the face of those two well dressed men or should I say animals. But the human in me thought I would be making myself impure by touching those scoundrels.

What is beauty? A beautiful face, a well shaped body and a beautiful bust? Is that the only aspect that makes a woman beautiful. It is irony that these two scoundrels were standing behind commenting, thinking I was a young woman, may be because of my short hair or they didn't see my grey hair or it didn't matter what age a woman is, but little did I realize that  the comments were targeting me. Only when I turned around to pay at the counter, I heard the comment, "Ayye da munpil onnum illa." ( Hey, she has nothing in front.) Though my first instinct was to slap them with my slippers and ask them If they had no women folks at home, I just gave them a dirty, cold stare and walked away. But my skin was burning,  listening to what all they had commented.

I have never bothered about my appearance when I shaved my head, nor when I lost one breast or with no breast. I would say it has served its purpose and gone. I could have bought false breast and tucked it inside  and walked about as if nothing has happened. But then I was not made that way nor did I bother about anything. But two animals who would be my son's age showing disrespect to women was too much for me to take. I am still not bothered about my appearance nor my feminine beauty. I was, am and will be what I am always.

It is generally believed that a truly beautiful woman is physically appealing, and it is an irony of life that such is the society where physical beauty is observed with a high degree of importance. Is real beauty in the face or body? I always hated men who never looked at the face but elsewhere while they talk. Wetheral a woman is complete or not, there is a glow in everything about her though looking feminine is a key factor. I have always valued the respect a woman is given at home as well as outside, with a line of dignity that I never crossed. It takes a lifetime to be respected but a split of a second is enough for that respect to crash all around.

I feel a woman is also admired for the inner beauty she reveals staying within her boundaries of life. The inner spark that glows  around makes a woman more beautiful. It is not in the clothes, but true beauty is revealed in the eyes and reflected in the soul. It is in her caring ways, that grows within through the passing years as she ages gracefully.

What is this feeling,
That rushes through me,
Unveiling my capabilities,
Like a fine intricate lace.

A smoldering power,
Still ignites a burning,
Longing of something,
To fulfill my heart.

A heat penetrates,
Through the veins,
Spreading through my body,
And then cools the soul.

Like the venom surging,
To kill the monster,
That robbed me off,
My  so-called feminine beauty.

But my will is stronger,
Than any maladies,
Or insulting comments,
To take away my positive glow.

An ironically amusing experience.

It is an irony of life  when something totally unexpected happens, a bare truth that is revealed and then the look of anxiety, confusion in a person's face.  You feel amused at the predicament as to what to do next. May be all would feel amused in such a situation. But mine being a different scenario altogether, I couldn't help smiling at it.

I had been to  my oncologist to check out why I was getting clots and hemorrhages all over me, in spite of my stopping my blood thinner tablets and even after taking vitamin K injections. My family doctor had already voiced her concern to my oncologist, so I was spared of all the detailed description of it. He as usual thought about it with a smile and closed eyes; and then told me he would examine me first. Though he felt there was nothing to be concerned about, he asked me to go through a few blood tests.

I went to the lab, in the clinic, and gave him the slip doctor had given me. It was for a blood test for different tumor markers.  He kept everything ready and then asked me to stretch my hand showing my right hand. After tightening the strap on my arm, he asked me to close my fist tightly. It was then he suddenly remembered to ask me which part of me was removed.  I told him that both my breast have been removed. He sat there shocked and as if he had seen a ghost. I was quite amused seeing his reaction and  I started smiling.  What amused me the most was when he asked me does the doctor know, for which I replied that he was the one who has been treating me for cancer from last three years.

I was smiling to myself, amused at this query. I got a bit curious and asked him, "  What if both breasts are removed?"  He said we would take from the veins in the legs. I was all the more amused at the thought of having blood taken from my veins in the legs, that would be  good to experience. I really sat there and mused over it. What irony of life, I thought. 

The beauty of being bald.

 "Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough."  Larry David

I never felt baldness after chemotherapy   to be a disfigurement. The act of being bald does not make a person beautiful, but one can make baldness beautiful.  Physical beauty is an aspect of self esteem, a cornerstone of feeling confident and one of the most vulnerable too. I became bald by shaving my head after my second chemo, and felt beautiful and confident too. The painful looks of those around me whenever locks of my long hair came in my hand, made me go and shave my head. It was a source of anxiety for me. Very few are lucky to feel the beauty of being bald and also having long hair. The reason is I don't see baldness as a disfigurement of myself , because at a point of time I realized that physical beauty can get stripped off, but not the inner power and beauty.

I loved myself in my baldness, feeling special and more attractive. I never thought of wearing a wig, because I was happy the way I was, though many advised me to buy one. Embracing the baldness as being bald can be beautiful for many reasons.  When one is bald, the beauty of eyes are prominent; it makes you unique, different, and remarkably beautiful. Surviving cancer gives you confidence though you are more vulnerable. You know your hair will grow back eventually. You face it head on,  battle with it, conquer it and it is empowering; making you confident in all aspects of life. 

My hair grew back after months of finishing all treatment, and got a crowning glory of curly hair and really black and beautiful. I even lost my eye brows and  eye lashes; still my eyes were lively. "Nothing changed the mischief seen in my eyes," according to my loved ones. Hair grows back, but if you give up and lose confidence, then it is difficult to bounce back in life.

"During chemo, you’re more tired than you've ever been. It’s like a cloud passing over the sun, and suddenly you’re out. You don’t know how you’ll answer the door when your groceries are delivered. But you also find that you’re stronger than you've ever been. You’re clear. Your mortality is at optimal distance, not up so close that it obscures everything else, but close enough to give you depth perception. Previously, it has taken you weeks, months, or years to discover the meaning of an experience. Now it’s instantaneous. "~Melissa Bank

The chemo of cancer,
Predicts shedding stresses,
Each time I combed, 
Locks covered my hand. 

Painful gazes followed me,
Better a bald head,
With a baldness full of grandeur
Than the pain I see around.

My head I shaved,
And made it bald,
Though I didn't care,
As I felt beautiful.

The windows to your soul.

" The eyes are the windows to your soul." William Shakespeare.

A non-verbal language of the eyes reflect that eyes are indeed the windows to your soul. The patterns in the iris  prove whether a person is warm and trusting or impulsive. The eyes speak a lot, if you are a person who believes in looking into the eyes of a person when you speak. Some eyes can pierce into you with a warmth and care that you can see the soul of a person. You look deep within, you can see the sincerity and truth.  What you see is an inner child within, a care of warmth and the true identity that dwells there. The compassion is revealed in the eyes.

I have come to a stage where I hate the sycophancy of written and spoken words, but believe in the unsaid words that reflects in the eyes of the person I talk to. I was always told by my father never to trust a person who cannot look into my eyes. It makes me reflect upon those words and wonder if mere words can make anyone fall in love. Isn't it the words that you are in love and not the person? Can mere words make the cords twist and make you feel blue? It is an awesome way of affirmation with a deep look into the eyes. 

Today's world the written words are valued more than the unsaid words of the heart and soul. If you are not able to look into your own eyes in a mirror, you fail to understand how magnificently amazing your 'self' is. The truest way of interaction is by looking into the eyes of a person because you find there what words fail to convey, the unspoken words from the core of your soul. The way to a soul is through the eyes. The flickering of your eyes can indicate the ongoing thoughts of the mind. 

The eyes cannot lie nor pretend, it is an open window of your feelings. The eyes are seen as the window to the soul because they do give clues as to what another person is thinking. A smile can be false.  When the smile includes the eyes, then it is probably genuine. It is also a window to your health. The sincerity of a person is reflected in the eyes. It is difficult to hide your feelings, thoughts and emotions  when a person looks deep into your eyes.  even when you smile to the world, there may be pain in the eyes, that only few can see. 

Eyes are the most powerful tool, that can convey a message across.  One look can make a connection where in words cease to exist. Today I believe more in the warmth of love and care seen in the eyes than the flowery  words that flow out verbally or manually. Very few mean what they write, and they may be just a handful. It is a realization of just being there, understanding your silence and the unspoken or unwritten words that fills the core of your being. You need not see or interact, but  it is the sense of feeling that goes across without a word being said. Eyes can tell a lot about you. 

Look into another's heart
Through eyes that are
Windows to the soul
Conveying untold feelings.
Eyes always lock
Speak to the other
With mischievous twinkle
That captures in a crinkle.
They show the path
To a beautiful heart
And soul understands
Vision of Infinite love.

What poetry means to me!

Poetry is an expression of ideas or experiences of life, events  or the emotions of the heart and soul that touched, at a time of life. Something that I wish I could have expressed at  some juncture of life. It is a form of relieving emotions, a song from the heart put into words, or the ripping of a soul. A way of putting forth everything in an intense and poetic way. It is the music of silence and beauty of words. It is a therapy, an art form, a way of communicating,  a way of thinking outside the box, and something that feels real, unique and an art form to dwell in.

Poetry is a form of pouring out the soul, an expression of love, the most beautiful form of expression that goes deep into the heart and soul of the reader. It is a creative art of communicating what exactly your senses say, how the mind interprets it in such a beautiful way that only words that arouse the sensory perception and thoughts in the reader. To me poetry is emotions, expressions, a euphoria of love and passion; and much more that all these.

It is a  picture engraved in the heart and soul, words that flow out of the music of the soul, an emotional outlet and an intense expression of spontaneity. It is a way of getting in touch with your lost soul. A creative play of words that can be whimsical, melancholic, heartfelt or heart-wrenching that means a lot in very few words creating an ocean of feelings that has no end. It is the best way of creating a euphoric world.

The poems of Namitha K & Arun M Sivakrisna depict a lot of feelings that a reader can picture in the mind. Their book of poetry: Silence and sound & Songs of a solitary convey a lot through their verses. Take a look at their poems to find what they convey.

The cry of a pained positive soul.

Life falls apart, with a cry of anguish. The reverberation of the blows of life, ripples out unceremoniously bringing down a painstakingly built fortress that gave me a sense of stability and well being. It left an open, oozing, raw wound that may take time to heal and stop oozing. The will power of steel came crashing down with a new awareness of life and wounds inflicted by many. Every atom of my soul, heart, body and mind cries out with an anguish of a dormant volcano that erupted bringing  down the fortress of positive strength crashing down in its impact.

The crystal clear liquid that swells the eye and spills with a pain that cut through the core of life doesn't reduce the intensity. A feeling of innumerable needles pricking the already scarred body, heart, mind and soul. It floods throughout non stop making everything excruciatingly painful. The fortress of a positive stronghold crumbles in seconds with an erupting volcano inside. The patience of mother Earth explodes many a time like this. A painstakingly built fortress of hope, strength and positivity is blown apart with a volcano erupting, an unceasing fire and lava  flowing to tear a soul  from the core of my being, that only time can heal.

The raw wounds inflicted upon the heart and soul bleeds with a gnawing pain that leaves me naked to nature. The erupted volcano spits out fire of growing pain that burnt the very core of a pained soul with an indelible imprint all over. Emotions erupting like lava with the pain and anguish that leaves an open wound to bleed profusely. Like a thunderbolt of realization it tears me apart that mine is a lone battle of life and the place of priority all opened up to me  makes each pore bleed in such a pain that makes it helpless and hapless with a crumbled fortress.

A pain deep inside that gnaws and eats away  the core of my soul, an intense pain that turns into a cry of anguish because it eats into my body, soul, heart and mind, from a positive soul into a charred soul. An explosion of painful anguish that never snapped even in the three years journey through cancer. It feels like a cry, an ache, so intense that there's no way I can go on  any longer with that pain which tears me apart and just explodes shattering my fortress of strength. No matter what, it doesn't change and gnaws the core of  my inside, an intractable pain, anguish of soul, breaking of the heart and nothing helps that pain, it stays and like a volcano erupted, emitting fire and lava with sheer pain that pricks every atom of my being.

I know there is light after all this, I will get through this, smile again with renewed hope and emerge like a Phoenix from the ashes of the erupted volcano; with a stronger fortress of strength and positive glow.

Love of poetry.

"Poetry is the first and last of all knowledge - it is as immortal as the heart of man."
— William Wordsworth

One quote and a fact that comes to my mind whenever I read a poem. A verse comes out from the soul, sometimes it comes out from nowhere to haunt the core of your soul. Some poems get etched forever after you read them. Some are written and forgotten, somewhere in your memory but comes out of the blue to the wonderment inside you. But poems take you to those places hidden in the recesses of your soul, that was lost somewhere in the journey of your life. They are immortal. Sometimes it is only through poetry you can emote intensely. It may use condensed or compressed form to convey emotion or ideas so beautifully and something not there in other forms of literature.

Poems frequently rely for their effect on imagery, word usage, and the poetic qualities of the language used. The interactive layering of all these effects to generate meaning in what marks poetry.

The poems of Namitha Ks & Arun M Sivakrishna emotes different feelings of a human mind, heart & soul. For a poetry lover like me they take me to the recesses of my soul, that I thought was lost somewhere in my journey of life.

Their books are available in all online sites.

In solitude with an unconditional companion.

A nature lover, understands how inspiring it is to wake up to the beauty of nature. The cool breeze, chirping of birds on the trees, the sight of playful squirrels, ripples in the cool waters add splendor to your life. A natural habitat facing a  scintillating lake in the mountains on one side, the tranquility of the ocean and beach on another side can soothe you in the lap of nature, unconditionally like a mother. It is a unique way of unplugging from the monotony of life to the inspiration of nature. What you seem to forget in the rat race of life is how to quieten down, look deeper within and open our eyes to the marvel of nature to smother  and soothe you.

In a tranquil mind's eye, the tree, the grains of sand, the waves, its ripples, the falling raindrops,  overcast and blue skies, the hills, the vignetted leaves, the flowers, all this and more have a story to tell. It is the creative wonder of nature. The rustle of the leaves awaken you to an awareness of it's life, the blooming and blossoming of a bud to a flower has a music in it and a story to narrate if you care to look and listen. Even a tree has a story to tell of its life. Everything around in nature  has its own journey .


There is nothing more nurturing and soothing to the soul than being one with nature. It is a creative expression that becomes more instinctive immersed in the stillness of a mountain or an invigorating panorama of a beach. The core of the earth is where its heart lies, with unconditional love that knows only to give in its true nature until it is pushed to an abusive edge. Nature loves with no restraints or selfish motive and that is why creativity is enhanced,  passions ignited and insight awakened in the company of nature.


I have always loved to be one with nature, a perfect companion who understands and bestows. the rhythms of life are tuned to the rhythms of the Earth. The sights, sounds, scents, the feel and the music of nature is rejuvenating and inspiring than anything else. It reignites the passions of life to find your lost soul, that disappeared somewhere in the journey of life.


Leaving the man-made environments to be in solitude and one with nature, is a way of reconnecting to yourself, staying grounded and always healing. No matter however tethered you are in the demands of life, looking far away in the distance of nature, gives you wings to soar high. Everything can be learned from the nature surrounding you. It heals you from a feeling of being separate, unworthy or inadequate and you start looking outside the dull pain that your heart and soul feels resonating your positive glow.


To be able to connect to nature is invigorating and waking up to the experience of serenity in nature is most beautiful. Nature has a way of revealing some of the rarest emotions and sights that is spectacular. It captivates the heart bringing back those moments of tranquil contemplation in the hectic life.