IN SOLITUDE.

" Solitude is not the absence of company, but the moment when our soul is free to speak to us and help us decide, what to do with life." Paulo Coelho, Manuscript found in Accra.

When you are alone in solitude, you are able to think for yourself and go down your memory lane to contemplate on how your life has been, how you have been and what you have been to others. The silence around you is sometimes welcome. There are times in everyone's life, when you feel that you want to be alone, just with your thoughts, in your own company. It is not because you have started disliking somebody's company. It is because you want to free yourself of all that has hurt you and then refresh everything in your life.

You want to judge yourself, your thoughts, actions, behavior etc,. To think to yourself if you have been doing the right things. The course of actions you have taken, sometimes comes back haunting your very soul. It is at such times you start thinking if you have unknowingly hurt someone to justify another person's actions.  Your actions come like a ghost haunting you. Then it becomes a continuous course of actions.

   You start questioning yourself, if you have shown  your ego to someone.  You start searching for instances where you have been selfish, or shown a complex to someone and that very thought makes you feel so small. Sometimes it is a slap to your self esteem. You start asking yourself if you have asked for importance in anyone's life. You get a feeling that you have fallen down from your own standards that you have set for yourself. It really feels very degrading. You feel you are being robbed of all your positive energy, self esteem and confidence. 

    You need to be in solitude to think of yourself, shake off that feeling which invaded your thoughts  and get back all the energy that you have been robbed of. To not allow anything influence you so badly. To fight out all your fears and to be able to stand up and say that you are back with a refreshed energy. You realize that only you can make yourself happy. Only you can allow any situation to victimize you.You are able to say, you are what you are. You cannot change, what makes you happy and energetic. 

     You are able to decide for yourself that, it matters to your close ones that you remain what you are, irrelevant of what others think about you.You have to live your life, facing all the challenges and pains. You finally realize that only the unseen hand of God is there to protect you and keep you alive. Your family and friends can only encourage you. Last but not the least, Stop complaining about anything or anyone. You realize it is better to leave things to take its own course. 

" Think only of your little blessings that come your way. Be happy if you are able to inspire one soul. Find happiness in doing little things for others.
 A word of encouragement to a person fighting life's battle.
A smile to a tired and suffering soul.
A helping hand to someone who needs it."
Your life becomes worthwhile.
Learn to live your life to the fullest.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO BE ALONE,
NOT TO BE LONELY, JUST TO ENJOY TIME BEING YOU.
ENJOY YOUR LIFE, 
SIMPLY BEING YOU.

ANOTHER FEATHER IN MY CAP

"Obstacles cannot crush me. Every obstacle yields to stern resolve. He who is fixed to a star, does not change his mind.." Leonardo da Vinci.

The heading might make one thing that I have achieved something great. But for me, it is indeed an achievement. Each time I enter the operation theater and come out with the smile, still on my face, that is an achievement for me.

I had my first surgery, in December, 1995 ...removal of my uterus along with my ovaries. That time I was never worried or scared of the surgery, only thing that had worried me that time was, the doubt doctors had of cancer.  May be I was always bold enough to face anything in life. But God saved me that time.

The next surgery was my mastectomy in May, 2011. With the growing age and many health problems in my list, I had to take a fitness from my cardiologist. I did come out of the surgery with a smile, though I was in pain......even after losing a feminine part of me. I realized that I have to live accepting the truth and pain. I was willing to face it as I wanted my near and dear ones to be smiling always. After all the trauma of chemotherapy and radiation, when I was at ease with a sigh of relief, came another obstacle.

Another lump was found in the same place..which the PET scan showed as a recurrence. The surgeon  very humorously told me, "So you have decided to come under my knife once again." I just smiled. After all the surgeries, I felt it was an achievement for me, a feather in my cap. Not because it is anything to be proud of, but I was bold enough to go through it and come out with a smile. My cardiologist came and patted me and said, "So, you withstood this surgery too."

Now, let me come to the point. I had a small bluish soft lump on my left knee. There was no pain, and more cause for unwanted thoughts. It was the year, my sister lost  her battle against cancer. A pathologist friend assured me that it was just a bulged varicose vein. So I completely forgot about it. In 2002, we had a lot of preparations to make in school, as it was the centenary celebrations. It started troubling me with a lot of pain. It had bulged out and become like a soft cyst with fluid in it.  I met my family doctor and she prescribed some medicines, with a warning that I should be careful or it may burst. I was advised to wear stockings which help varicose veins. With medicines and the stocking, the pain subsided to a great extent. 

Later on my family doctor's advice I met a  cardio vascular surgeon and I  was asked to do a Doppler test of my left leg. When the pain became a constant companion, I decided to do the test. If was after that test  I came to know, it was a sebaceous cyst with a varicose vein. That doctor too advised me to wear the stockings.

After my cancer diagnosis, when my chemotherapy started a lot of problems surfaced again. The pain in the cyst became very bad. I used to take a course of the medicines, my cardio vascular surgeon had prescribed. It would subside then , but resurfaced again after a little while. In between these problems, I landed in the ICU, one day. The reason for that is still a big question mark for me. My oncologist advised me not to have those medicines after that. 

After my lumpectomy on October 17th, I asked my surgeon about the cyst, when I went for a review. He told me that he wouldn't do anything until my blood count and hemoglobin  count improved. So I was forced to go around with it. In January, 2013 the pain became quite unbearable. I used to get swelling on my knee and pain behind my knee too. The cyst too became bigger. Towards end of March, I went back to the surgeon for a review of my lumpectomy. I showed him the cyst, he said it was infected. He prescribed antibiotics for a week and asked me to see him after ten days. After ten days I went to him. He fixed  the surgery for the 6th of April, in the evening at 4 pm. He told me that I need not get admitted.

On April 6th, I was in the hospital accompanied by my hubby & sons. Doctor called into the operation theater around 5 pm  He gave me a local anesthesia. My eyes were covered with a cloth. I could feel the doctor cutting out the cyst and also putting sutures. He told me that, it need not be sent for biopsy. It took around twenty minutes. The nurse put a dressing bandage over it and I was asked to wait for a few minutes. I walked out of the operation theater, limping. That was the third surgery in 22 months.  Hoping that a cyst would not reappear anywhere else. Yesterday the sutures were removed. My hubby and kids make fun of me saying, It has become a habit for me to walk into the operation theater. 

   To undergo any surgery and come out of it with a beating heart and a smile,  I feel is an achievement. That is why I said that it is another feather in my cap. Some say that I get bolder, each time I walk into the operation theater.  It is quiet painful......

"Endurance is one of the most difficult disciplines, but it is to the one who endures that the final victory comes." Buddha.

A WALK THROUGH CANCER.

"Cancer is a journey, but you walk the road alone. There are many places to stop along the way and get nourishment - you just have to be willing to take it." Emily Hollenberg.

Yes, cancer is a journey and you really walk the road alone. Your family and friends, all are there to encourage you, but your progress depends only on you. 

     It is a journey that starts from the time you are given the final diagnosis after a needle biopsy. From there starts your long  journey. If you have a strong will to fight it, and then accept it with a smile, then your loved ones are relaxed to a great extent. But if it is only lamenting and complaints from either side, life becomes miserable for both. So it is better to accept the fact and move ahead with a smile and positive attitude.

      The surgery (Mastectomy) and then the biopsy report decides your future. Psychologically it is a painful truth, that you cease to be a complete woman. When you decide to live with that truth, then you start your journey with a positive attitude. The emotional uplift also depends on your near and dear one, be it your family or friends.

 The most exhausting part of the journey, starts with the chemotherapy. .....depending on the type of cancer.
The physical, psychological and emotional changes start there. It is very easy to coax the patient to eat and advice to be active. You realize the pain, when you go through it. A weird  taste in the mouth, some start throwing up everything they eat, some get diarrhea......all this last for at least a week. Within three weeks of your chemotherapy, hair starts falling. the will to go through it, makes you shave your head, because you know it will grow back again.

The emotional effect is confusing,sometimes even for the patient. You laugh over something and then you end up crying.  Sometimes you feel so low, then you fight that feeling out and smile. Your taste buds deny any  taste in your mouth, still you have to eat. otherwise your blood count will deceive you. It is really an exhausting experience. You lose your balance when you walk.  If you are a fighter, you are able to face it boldly. But the support of your family and friends too play a major role. Though you have to face it alone, it helps a lot, if you are not taken for granted.

   The chemo and radiation snaps you of all your energy. You have to take it as a challenge and new experience. Smile at the new changes in yourself. The monthly visits to the doctor and your blood tests.....all these have to be faced with a positive attitude, only then you can be a survivor. Otherwise you end up becoming a victim. Fight it out with all the strength that you have in yourself. And when you emerge out of it, you feel, you are refreshed to live a beautiful life.....I would compare this to a pupa stage of a caterpillar. Just like the caterpillar undergoes a lot of changes and emerges out as a beautiful butterfly, you too can come out of your cocoon of the cancer treatment with a new positive change in you, like a beautiful butterfly.

    A word of caution to the near and dear ones, the family and friends of the patient. If the patient has a low spirit and esteem,try to encourage them, without complaining. If they have the courage  and strength to fight it out, don't take them for granted, because the encouragement is still required. However strong they are, take care not to be critical and hurtful, because emotionally they are still at a risk of breaking down, if they are pushed to the edge. Don't ridicule them. Being understanding is very vital. As a patient, however strong they are, they are also vulnerable at that time, specially when there is a threat of recurrence of cancer. It is not easy for the patient, nor the family members to cope with the threat of recurrence. 

   I am able to say this with such confidence because, I have taken care of cancer patients, very close ones and have also undergone everything myself.  Though I have been strong enough to face it, I too have gone through the physical, psychological and emotional pain. There are times when I have felt that I have been pushed to the edge. Still I am positive, after going through a lot of emotional pain given by others. Only a person who has undergone some kind of pain, can understand how it is to be in pain. Do not judge, ridicule or push those who are fighting a battle. 

  Try to support, encourage and inspire them with a wee bit of understanding and consideration. Try not to slice them with words.  Sometimes they become so silent due to that anguish.  Help them keep up their  smile and positive attitude. 

A candle loses nothing, by lighting a candle. Be a candle to light and inspire another life. Be a candle of hope. Be a spark to ignite and inspire someone who needs that little spark to which it can hold on.