The lone paths of life.

Being a cancer survivor is embracing pain, fighting a daily battle with the pains and repercussions of the long term after effects of radiation and chemotherapy. Do all have these problems, it is a big NO. It all depends on your body constitution, wear and tear, age and a lot of other factors of life.  It is the biggest battle of life to know that different parts of your body are fighting it out due to the after effects of the treatment. Any problem you have, the doctors have just one answer; that it is the long term after effect of the radiation and chemotherapy.  The daily battle I fight is in a way a victory for me, but in the fight sometimes you get tired and to keep up your spirits is the biggest task. If you ask me there are only two options to all the daily challenges, you fight physically; due to the physical fight the emotional fight is the biggest task and you can either give up completely or fight like hell. Is it as easy as that, when it is not only a physical fight but also a psychological fight,  then I would say, it is the toughest battle of life to keep going when you have to fight with every little part of your body and also your psychological fight towards it.

At some crossroads of life, in a journey through all winding paths fighting all battles, it hits like a thunderbolt that life has rendered you a lone path. It is a daily fight with life and your body to keep your life going; being thankful for the little mercies bestowed and the little things that matter a lot in life which no riches can buy. You realize that all those you look up to are no more near you. All are lost in their own battles of life and shut themselves away from you.  For some it is a battle to stay afloat, for some it is a battle to live on, while for some it is a daily struggle to fight a battle to maintain the deteriorating elements of the body that is a biological machine. Each one is in a battle within oneself. In the daily battle for life sometimes one tends to drift away from all.

For a cancer survivor it sometimes becomes a daily fight to maintain the quality of life. Some days you struggle to find rhythm in life, it is a tough fight against yourself with a will to survive. It is the fight that makes you value every living moment of your life. It makes you lose fear of death and enjoy the moments that are available to you; it makes you look at all the little insignificant things of life. It is self motivation and the inspiration to fight out to feel alive and wake up to see the dawn of another day.

Power of Impermanence.

The power of impermanence is like the never ending vast sea, a really confusing topic that is often hard to wrap around the head and heart. When you realize the hard way nothing is permanent, it hits you like a bolt from nowhere and renders you cold. It is a passing phase they say, but one that leaves a heartache and a scar. I used to take pride in the bonds I made with the ones I held close throughout my life, thinking goodwill always keeps them close to me. But I learned it the hard way that goodwill may remain, but after I perish. In life the bonds can break in a split of a micro-second, without a thought. No bond on earth, be it of blood or of the heart lasts forever. You are always left with yourself alone.

In today's world all think of short term relationship...letting go and reaching out. There was a time when relationships were for keeps, throughout life till death. But the significance of a permanent relationship is fast fading. In a jiffy, a relationship is cut forever, with no regrets. I still live in the times where a relationship is grown like a plant with care and sincerity. Two of my potted plants had dried up completely, but I watered them daily not giving up hope and found new shoots in the dry stem.

My daily walks to the beach and the time I spent with nature around me made me realize a lot of facts. I used to listen to the birds, the different kinds of sounds they made, understanding that everything in nature too had a soul. A tree that stands tall and strong were magnificent and had stories of its life too. I started feeling that I needed to step out of my head, my emotions and the heartaches to live with nature around me. In my mind all those I loved was permanent for me, knowing that nothing or none may stay permanently with me and I just had only me for myself. I learned to enjoy the now and cherish those moments, even when hurts inside me tore me apart; wishing only happiness and love for all.

Nature has been my best teacher, even when I learned a lot of lessons the hard way. Trees taught me simplicity in a beautiful life; a lesson learned as a child. Each day I cherished the magnitude of little things in life and felt grateful for them. From a tree I learned to hold my own life, while everyday is ever changing, the sunrises and sunsets are never the same, I thought why I was hurt with the change in all around me. With a deep sigh I realized each day that just as I grew to love nature, I also valued each bond that I held close to my heart sensing the simple beauty in them.

Love for cancer.

“All cancers are alike but they are alike in a unique way.”

― Siddhartha Mukherjee

A truth that can never be denied.  It is called the 'Emperor of Maladies,' and rightly so. You never know where it will attack and how. It is different for each individual, so also the pains. All those have gone through the journey with the creeping crab will have a different story to narrate of pain, perseverance, resilience and victories. Every one respond differently to cancer, its pains and the treatments. 

The creeping crab once it attacks, it makes you realize the beauty of life and the joy of living every moment. It inspires you to find a meaning in your life and the magical moments, like a butterfly. You start understanding the soul of every tree, flower, falling leaves and everything around you. Every moment of life is etched in your heart and soul. 

Though the pain it gives is endless like the vast sky and the ocean, it makes you value every microsecond of your life. Is it the same for all who were attacked by this loving monster? The answer is a big 'NO' as the effects and aftereffects depends on the body of each individual and how you fight it out. Some just give in to the monster knowing that it is an endless fight for life. 

It is an awareness  which it makes you wake up to, that beauty is not physical, but the inner power and strength you have radiating a positive glow on your face. In this whole process it is an understanding that takes you forward. Any kind of stress can trigger it again.  When you go through the trauma of bilateral triple negative cancer and its long term after effects, you fall in love with the pain it gives you daily because that makes you realize you are alive and still capable of feeling it. They say there is no magic pill for the long term after effects of cancer treatment except exercise and good nutritional food to keep up the quality of life. Then as they say, 'It is all in the mind how you deal with it'. It is a daily fight and that keeps you going with a smile, joy in the heart and a bounce in your step. 

Cancer invades uninvited and unwanted,

An intruder in my body,

Waiting to claim me,

A complete stranger though,

Weaves a web of intricate pain. 

Like tsunami my chemo,

Unleashes its power, 

In each of its cycles,

Leaving me in a hazy maze,

Of its long after-effects.

I enter the battlefield in fury,

The scans and labs a learning step,

To score a goal against the monster,

Finding the essence of my life,

In my inner sanctum. 

The power of a smile can make you powerless.

There is immense power in a smile.  Each one has a unique smile.  A smile is   a  dazzling way of showing your happiness, love, friendliness, appreciation and kindness. Some have a smile that lights up the eyes with a mischief while some they minute they smile their eyes crinckle.  It is always contagious. It is the best response to any situation of life. It is also a smile that grounds many people. A smile can change one person’s mood.The anger melts seeing a  smile from a loved one or a stranger.   No one needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give.Well, there are many things in a smile. It might only be a short word but it means a lot if we remove the letter ‘S’ from the spelling of smile and it becomes a mile.  Sometimes the best part of smiling  is the reaction. When they smile back, it brings you some sort of happiness and comfort. Their reaction is what reminds you that the world is indeed, still full of kind people, still full of hope.

You can avoid a lot of problems by just giving a smile as an answer. It is not confusing and it can avoid a lot of misunderstanding and problems in life. The smile is a universal sign of happiness. It is believed to be the ultimate connection between all humankind. No matter how big or small, if a smile is genuine it creates an ineffable feeling in the atmosphere. There is a power in  a smile to make the saddest of circumstances a little better. A smile  transcends all barriers between individuals and to create special moments in life. Smiling happens without much thought. Smiling happens without much thought. One smile can make all the difference.  One smile has the power to release stress, calm you down, make you attractive, make someone else happy and believe it or not, smiling can actually cause happiness. Smile at the challenges life throws at you.

Smile and the world smiles with you. How true it is. None are interested to listen to your fights or sorrows, and why would you expect it too? Many can fake a smile. It turns out that smiling might be the best thing to do when you're ready to shift into a brighter mood.A smile helps you feel happier  and being happier helps you keep the smile going in a genuine way. Your fake smile is now a real one!  The smile is is the “the symbol that was rated with the highest positive emotional content” concludes scientist Andrew Newberg.

I think it is time to turn that frown upside down? Now say "cheese!" :-)

Surfing the waves of life.

When life gives you waves, SURF it.  I have been thinking of this whenever I stood by the sea watching the waves rise and fall. I used to stand there and contemplate if I was really positive in all aspects of life to turn a painful situation into a learning experience. I have faced all the adversities and difficulties of life with courage, but was I really so in all the aspects of life? Am I not still vulnerable to one aspect of life? This thought still plagues me. Am I able to surf through all the waves of life? I really don't think so. There are still certain aspects of life that can turn me into a bundle of nerves. I have adapted to all changes of life. But sensitivity in one aspect that still troubles me. I read in a cancer's  aftereffect write up that after cancer you become more vulnerable and sensitive. But I was not one to give in to any such feelings. Though I was sensitive to an extent, I had the courage to think that nothing can bring me down to my knees. Was I wrong? After all I am an average human being who had all the feelings like any other person.

I was always good at surfing through the waves of life, be it a big one or a small one. Adversities never bothered me. The S.U.R.F strategy of life is a simple quick strategy to adapt and react positively to all the waves of life,  to all changes it brings. When you are troubled by a wave, whatever it is trying to regain your composure and move forward is the way out. As you surf through life's waves you may have some awesome rides or some gnarly wipe outs. You meet people who want to help you or wipe you out.

Some stressful situations cause tidal waves or tsunamis that tend to wipe you out. Thoughts that come to unnerve you are like the free moving and unseen winds. Emotions or feelings are like the flow of water. Sadly all come to a state of confusion, confronting certain situations. The lesson in the metaphor "waves of life' is to stay on board without falling, but all fall at some point of time. The surfing is a human aspect appreciating all emotions and feelings. It is the nature of life. The most important aspect of surfing through the waves of life is patience and perseverance. Everything said and done, it is quite natural that you falter at times.

As I contemplated on various aspects of my life, I realize that there are still areas where I need to be strong and more courageous. Learn to be less vulnerable. Life teaches you a lot of lessons. The learning process is a continuous  one, till our death.

The oceanic mind.

Standing by the beach waiting for the sun to rise from the horizon, reflecting on how it eases the mind and heals the body, I realized that the sea level had risen, a common sight after the tsunami. Due to the rising sea level the beach sand had formed a slope of its own. Early mornings usually the sea is calm and tranquil; all the morning walkers would stand or walk on the wet sand The last two days, I noticed that the sea was not calm as it used to be always. The waves were moving in more than the usual level.

This morning the waves were sending everyone scrambling up as they were careful not to wet their shoes. Even those who had come to watch the sunrise enjoying the waves teasing them were standing at a safe distance. I too ran back thrice when the waves took me unawares. As the waves came above the slope I saw little crabs scampering away from the waves. The sandy beach was full of little crabs scurrying about. The swell of waves left a lot of ripples and bubbles on the sand as they receded giving a lacy touch on the beach.

I removed my shoes and ventured a little into the beach, but at a safe distance and dug my toes into the sand, watching the waves repeat one after another. I stood there contemplating on the fact that the ocean and the mind are so much alike. The usual morning sea that used to be calm and serene was not so. The peace I felt at the first touch of the waves on my toes was not there wondering what made the sea level rise? The serenity that knows how to make each one feel at ease, filled with peace was missing. I reflected upon those days when I used to make sand castles and waited for the waves to wash them off.

When the sea was rising up with its playful waves everyone around stayed away from it. I mused over that thinking how even man avoided one who was furious, agitated, confused or one who was not in the usual frame of mind. Even those that look up to that one person in awe stays away. The mind and the ocean that stays calm, sometimes is avoided when there is an absence of tranquility. I had read that each drop of water expands a little and the expansion of the entire depth of the ocean, adds up and causes the sea level to rise. Today it is rising due to the melting glaciers too. Just as the rising sea level is a threat, so is the perplexity of the mind. Each little thought, the doubts, misapprehensions, fears if allowed to grow the level of anxiety grows even in a calm mind. Even the most calm and positive person can become in a state of confusion. The external conditions around you are like the melting glaciers that can cause havoc after a point of time, when your limit of endurance wears off. A mind that is in a turmoil causes lot of problems to oneself and to others too.

The ocean fascinates me, inspires and there is an innate relationship that goes way deeper each day. A wave coming out of the sea in repetition captivates the heart and mind. The wave  ebbs and flows across the sand; its untouchable vastness and depth, is  notable. But one thing that transfixes me like nothing else is the power and peace of the ocean. So is the mind of a man, reflecting the perfect portrayal of a paradox, It is both mighty and tranquil, aggressive and calm, also enraged and at rest. One moment you feel the power of the waves as they crash, the water drops sprinkling on the face and the next moment you also feel the gentle kiss of the waves on the toes quickly receding back into the sea making you dig your toes further into the sand. It is a mystery to the unknown. 

Bonding is like flying a kite.

Standing in the beach with my toes dug deep in the sand, the waves playfully teasing me tickling my feet, I just gazed around to catch a glimpse of the setting sun. The sight made me awe-struck, a huge and beautiful paper kite flying high in the sea breeze. I just chuckled to myself thinking what could be more fun than watching a kite in the beach, the cool breeze making it dance to its tunes. The young fliers were carefully flying it against the wind and birds.

I felt a special joy in my heart just looking at the kite. It was flying so happily in the open space against all the turbulence around. It was the open space that gave a lot of room for the kite to fly at its will that made it soar high in the sky. There were no obstacles that caused any kind of turbulence and the fliers were carefully maneuvering it leaving enough length of the string that held it. As I gazed at it suddenly felt as if I was really slapped hard realizing that every bond you hold close to your heart is like that kite, be it your spouse, kids or friends.

Sometimes in action and words you tend to overlook certain aspects of your bonds in life. Just like the kite it stays stringed only if it has enough space to be at its own free will. It needs the wind that is required to keep it afloat. But the minute you try to control it too much tugging on the string, possibilities are high that either it might get cut or the kite might cut itself due to the turbulence. This was a great revelation, a new lesson I learned the hard way from the kite. I learned that a kite is like any bond  that you hold close, taking care   when something goes wrong or the kite flies far away from your view lost forever. An irony that is hard to accept in life and the bonds you foster.

Irony of life.

I felt as if I was whipped today, that too in a place like a hospital where empathy needs to be shown. I felt my skin burn and a feeling of a million worms crawling all over my body. Felt as if humans were becoming worse than animals. I was struck like  a lightening and shudder to think that I live in a world that is obsessed with breasts.

Why is it a woman is the  one who always feel indisposed in certain aspects of life? Have we entered a stage where age doesn't matter at all? If you are a little open to someone you are taken for granted that whatever the age a woman is a prey to the machoism of a man. Is it that an era has come that a pure bond is not possible between a man and woman?

I hate it when men send messages saying you look pretty and I would like to know you better. Are all women and men measured with the same yardstick? I have always maintained a boundary with all be it men or women until and unless I get to know them and meet them in person. Or is it that social media has become an open platform to flirt irrespective of the age.

It is an irony of life that however positive you may be, sometimes you feel sliced with words. I wish we humans learn to first respect each other, in whatever state you are. I am what I am and will remain so, whether I look feminine or not in the physical aspect of feminine beauty.

Mother nature the greatest teacher.

Nature has its own ways to make you aware of its importance. Everything around you in nature is a metaphor.  Nature has always been an inspiration to poets and writers. I have always been close to nature, but somewhere in the rat race of life, stopped to appreciate and behold the small things of beauty around me. Cancer again took me back to nature, which has been a great solace and healer. The floating clouds and its patterns;  the flying birds, , the flowing streams, the trees, the blooming flowers, the blowing wind, the twinkling stars, the rising sun, the shining full moon, the rolling waves, the towering hills, , the falling leaves and the setting sun, all different forms of beauty  connect in many ways.  Nature teaches the value of innocence and gives lessons on the same too.

 Nature, the greatest force in the universe, reveals itself in different concrete forms – mountains, rocks, oceans, rivers, trees, etc. Mountains, hills and rocks teach us the value of perseverance.  They have been standing tall for ages and this  steadfast position is a lesson on how to stand ground for the right and against the wrong with our heads held high. The human mind is as deep and mysterious as an ocean. Love, joy, kindness and mercy reside in the abyss of each heart, even the   pearls are found in the bottomless floor of the oceans.   The journey of a river from the source to the destination is a lesson on how to brave odds by means of willpower in life.  A river also teaches us to stay within boundaries, so that you are respected and revered, while you breach the boundaries it is like flood. The tempo of human life never ceases even in the face of adversity, just as rivers stop at nothing on their way.

Flowers that spread fragrance teaching you to  love unconditionally. Trees  exist despite unfavorable circumstances. As you grow and age, the  innocence is replaced by experience. Such are the changing season of nature to making you feel and exist. To be precise, the extreme forces of nature give  lessons on adversity and survival. It is this world of nature where I take flight to from the monotony of day-to-day life. The hill,  seaside, the lush green fields and canals that are added beauty to a village, the trees by the fields, the simple reflections you see in the water, all these lend me a new lease of life through rejuvenation of the body, the mind, the soul and the senses. If there were no retreat to nature, I feel it would have been very difficult to feel alive; an escapade from  mundane life.. Spending time with nature is the best escape, though temporary, from such grim slices of life. . It is the best way to revive your energy and enthusiasm.

Nature teaches us not to play with it to such an extent that you start cribbing when it plays its role.  However advanced technology is and humans play with it, the fury of its devastation is so enormous and happens in a flash that you don't have time to even think.  It is said that you should have the patience of mother Earth,  but the patience wears off and  the periodic calamities are reminders to respect it. Mother Earth teaches you never to push anyone to the edge and test the patience. The after effect of it may be devastating for both. 

The beauty of hills, seas, waterfalls, lakes and the starry sky has been the Muse to many writers, poets and painters. Nature has an unbelievable capacity for healing. It is a silent communicator and the ultimate equalizer.