IN THE FACE OF DEATH.

"Let life be like music. 
And death a note unsaid.” 
― Langston hughes

When confronted with the reality of death and loss, we are forced to struggle with basic questions of meaning in  life. This struggle makes you question past, present and future values and relationships that you have.The truth of life is that when it ends, death engulfs you, nothing remains and you go away to the unknown. It is an inevitable fact of life.   

My first experience of death was my father's.  I didn't see him dying. He was a lucky man to have died peacefully in his sleep of a cardiac arrest. I was only told that grandfather was not well and I came to know the truth only when I reached home. He had bade us goodbye without a word, leaving all of us in a state of shock.  He looked so peaceful in his eternal sleep. It was the first  blow of life.

 The second blow fate gave,  was when my brother met with an accident and my cousin informed me he was in the hospital. I never knew the seriousness of the situation till I reached the hospital and saw him being taken to the ICU after a brain surgery. It was an accident, when something in the scooter snapped and he was thrown off the scooter to a height. A passenger in the passing bus felt it was someone he knew, stopped the bus and went to help my brother. His ears were bleeding, which was not a good sign. The person who came to help like a God sent Angel, couldn't get any conveyance to take him to the hospital till a goods carrier auto agreed to take him to the hospital. He was conscious till then, on his way to the hospital, he gave the number of his office and asked the person to inform and then lost his consciousness. When I saw him being taken to the ICU I sent for my mother and sons and also informed my brother and sisters. My mother was always near the ICU, getting a glimpse of her son who lived only for her. But the following night the doctors put a bombshell,  that they would do another brain surgery and  he would live but remain a vegetable for life. Our task was putting this across to mom. She told us that she didn't want to see him as a vegetable for life, a tough decision for a mother. So we told the doctors and he was left as he was in the ICU. The following day early morning, he passed away. When my mother knew, she only told me this, "I don't want to stay in this hospital where my son is no more alive. Take me home". My elder sister stayed back. My younger sister was yet to reach from the Gulf. My hubby, my eldest sister and hubby too reached in the morning. The biggest blow was for my mother, to lose her son.

     The third blow was my eldest sister's death to cancer. I was with her in the  journey through cancer. She was a person who never complained. But when I think of all her  treatment, somehow I now get a feeling she was just letting herself to be treated without a will to fight it out. May be due to the lamenting she always heard around her or she didn't want to go through with it.  It was in 1994, the cancer spread to her lungs and she had to undergo strong chemotherapy. After each Chemo it was like an exam for my nephew and me, waiting for her hemoglobin  count results. I don’t think we waited with so much anxiety even for out academic results. But in January 1995, her condition became worse. All relatives were around. We all stayed in the same place as our motive was just to be with her.

        After a few days hospitalization, the doctors felt there was no hope. She only wanted to come home. So she was brought to my house and all were around her. Her breathing used to be very heavy. She was happy to be home. One evening, she became worse. An ambulance was called for, but  before the ambulance could come she breathed her last right in front of our eyes. Her eyes and tongue just popped out and I told my nephew to keep calling her. My sister and myself started thumping on  her chest.  For a second her eyes became okay and then it closed and the tongue also went in. She had a peaceful look on her face. Today, when I think of it, I sometimes wonder how I got the strength to do what I did.

  That was the first time it hit me very badly thinking “Today you are here. Don’t know what the next minute would bring us”. It took a long time for me to come out of it. 
Today I feel that the ultimate truth is: “Life is a question, nobody can answer and Death is an answer, nobody can question it”.