My love story with the creeping crab.

As I look back on my journey of life, I realize that 2014 May, I celebrate my  cancer anniversary(Cancerversary). It marks the survival of me despite the pain, poking, discomforts, transformations and transmutations. The completion of an important, yet difficult phase of life that was absolutely meaningful.

Though I knew about the traumatic nature of the creeping crab, I chose to look at it as a journey of love, making use of all the tools that kept me positive. I never wanted to use the terms poison or deadly and chose to take all the procedures and treatment as a learning process and as a light of love.  I considered it as a gift to make a deep connection to myself and the value of life; the spirit that took hold of me in a positive way. There started my love story with the creeping crab, that came in the form of breast cancer.

My only aim in life became to capture the essence of any given moment, and make it a significant milestone of life. Even after all the chemo's and radiations,  the creeping crab was reluctant to leave me. It was all set to invade my tissues time and again, in the form of the suspicious looking atypical cells, that tend to act like cancerous cells. I felt that the creeping crab was madly in love with my body, but the born fighter in me was not willing to budge a wee bit. Sounds cruel and crude, but an ironical truth.

After two years of the love journey, it came back yet again threatening to seek vengeance. When I was being stripped down the layers of tissues physically, I realized the validity of my spirits that made me positive and felt very tender and joyful. First time I started loving the creeping crab, that made me what I am today - stronger and with more courage. I knew that it was embracing the unknown, accepting the unbelievable and then celebrating all the milestones - that of all surgeries, scans and the scars.

Sometimes life is all about taking a deep breath and pausing; then listening. It means continuing my fight with courage, renewed strength, by nourishing and taking care of myself. It also made me value  life and I  feel a kind of gratitude towards cancer, for allowing myself to shine and celebrate myself. The residuals, insights, moments of recurrences, FNAC's, the threat of atypical cells and the whole process marks the cancerversary as the ultimate and unique love story of my life - that with myself and cancer. It is always a bitter-sweet plot of life's journey.

Like many other love stories, my journey with cancer started in a fight and ended up falling in love with it, for what it made me realize, the importance of life, relationships, family and then my priorities in life. I was thrown head first into the world of cancer and accepted it with grace and courage. It is a love story, simply because something beautiful emerged out of that struggle and journey to survive, grow and shine with a positive radiance. Every person touched with cancer will have a story to narrate.

Today, after going through a second mastectomy, I feel that cancer, the creeping crab did make a drastic change, making me always positive, grabbing the odds and hurling them back to say try me again. It is a love/hate story of fear for some, but for some it is a love story, that made them survive against all odds. Though it does try to scare with suspicious looking cells, the fighter in me prepared for anything, a veteran as I am jokingly called, gives a tough time , instead of it giving me scary days. Isn't my love story interesting? After going through so much pain, the scars,  bruises, and all the trials,  I still feel, "Wow, I made it fighting all odds." I really feel triumphant that I made it with a smile. They say the scarred tissues are much stronger than the regular tissues. May be an after effect of the strong willed perseverance.

"The creeping crab does make you  realize what loss is, makes you fight and find your way out from the depths. You learn to appreciate life and that understanding fills you with an empathy; a deeper concern for the value of life. It is when the very core of your life is threatened, you realize the value of being alive and each day you wake up a blessing. It is then you look at the small things that gives you joy and count the little blessings being sent your way. It teaches you to believe in that which can cure the briefness of life, for there is no remedy for mortality. You learn to continue your belief in your doctors, the treatment, decisions; and most importantly yourself and your strength to endure. You learn to appreciate and enjoy every single day fighting all the negatives to stay positive."

I was a rebel, am a rebel and will continue being a rebel. And cancer made me stay a rebel forever. As Jim Valvano quoted, "Cancer can take away all my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch my soul." I am a born fighter and will remain one against all odds.

The twilight glow of my life.

Twilight is the light between day and night; the illumination of the sky by the scattering sunlight at sunset. Twilight is that time of the day between daylight and darkness, when the sky is diffused with many colors, but often pinkish. It is that time of day that is important for a lot of reasons to many people. The sun dips below the horizon and its scattered rays creates a magical curtain of colors in the sky. The soft glowing light and hues of the sky when the sun disappears causing  a reflection of the sun's rays in the atmosphere to give out many colors, that's awe inspiring.

The sunset is different each day. But the magic it creates daily is something that is amazing. The twilight colors attract the eye. The diffused light from the sky when the sun sets and the colors that it refracts give lovely hues, making it beautiful with the fading sun,before the fall of night. Each day it gives a different experience. Sometime the twilight is grey with hues of pink, but the grandeur it gives with different shaded clouds spreading across the sky making you spellbound. With the magical tints that harmonize the sky, twilight drops the curtains of colors down to pin it up with a shining star. It is a transition of day and night, revealing the magic in it and in the daily moments of life.

As quoted by Howard Thurman "Twilight - a time of pause when nature changes her guard. All living things would fade and die from too much light or too much darkness, if twilight were not there."  Twilight is the fading away of light or vigor as you grow older and it is also the mystery of life. In  the twilight  of life, may be energy starts dwindling, but some people never wane in life, they may become less energetic. It is the attitude towards life that consequently decides what the twilight years holds for you.  Let it not eclipse your life completely.

The word "Twilight" has always attracted me, so also the twilight that comes twice between day and night. It is the twilight after sunset, before the darkness falls  that captivates my heart and soul.  As quoted by Ralph Fletcher in the book, ' Twilight comes twice,'  "it stays only for a short time, while day and night, stand whispering their secrets, before they go their separate ways." Twilight is the glow of life which promises you before darkness sets in that it doesn't last long and the sun will rise again with another twilight of hope to bring light in your life. The challenges and struggles in life too are not permanent. So when darkness falls in life, think of all the light that radiates in your life and look forward to the new day. There is nothing in life that spreads permanent darkness, but you need the will to tide over it. It is all in the mind and  your attitude towards life's challenges.

Everyone must have marveled at the magnificence  of the sunrise and sunset. The twilight sky inspires awe even when it is devoid of clouds, but the most memorable ones are those with the clouds that catch the colors of the setting sun and reflects it to the ground. It is the clouds that make the twilight more eye-catching producing vivid  colors, making it spectacular with the lovely hues it reflects from the sunlight. It is when the sun disappears behind dark grey clouds, the best colors are reflected by the white fluffy clouds above. It reflects all the colors of the rainbow in each cloud above and they merge together to make the most wonderful and spectacular sight one could ever witness. I wondered when I witnessed it, why the grey clouds were considered drab and dull by many, when the light of the fading sun reflected such beautiful colors from them.

Fighting the blues in the twilight of life, makes me feel alive and I fight the challenges of my life. Life is unknown, so is the twilight of your life. But I find my glow of life in the twilight.  To make it amazing, is in your hands by reflecting the positive rays of life and overcoming all the challenges that life throws at you.

Living through the Ultimate Truth of Life's Losses.

To grow up is a weird option to wrap your mind around your heart. As you go through your journey of life, your perspectives on everything hangs around you. The odds in life become pretty high. "Face the odds, crack and cripple them, not your life. Eventually you can juggle with them as juggling with the odds is a powerful tool of life. Every man has to juggle on the roller coaster of life facing gains, uncertainties, all types of pain and losses. Though juggling is an art of expertise, it teaches to juggle and walk through the pain and losses of life with our full potential. An art of the mind and body, to rule over the heart maintaining a balance between the heart and the mind. 

The most difficult aspect of life is to cope with LOSS, be it any type of loss, that life gives you. As you grow up and mature in life,  you realize that every man on earth gets the share of suffering and loss; but it all depends on how you face it and overcome it. Many always have the habit of quantifying things. It is a fact of life that the matters of the mind and heart, cannot be weighed, and no man can in reality go through another's pain or loss because it all depends on the attitude and emotional quotient. The day life is compared to another's, it is doomed and then what happens is, it becomes useless. That comparison hampers everything in life. 

The day you accept that loss is an inevitable factor of life, just as life itself, then it is easy to accept it and and move on in life. No one can fill up the void created by a loss, but a strength can be derived from it to bear it. It is not easy to accept the inevitable, it needs courage. The ultimate truth is no one can escape a loss, pain or trauma, it depends on your attitude how you face it. You have more strength than you can really comprehend. All the losses you have endured and overcome are touchstones of your life. 

The loss of all feminine parts can be the most traumatic for a woman. But it is really not a loss if it is taken as  a removal of that which threatens Life. Why not take it as a removal of that which has served its purpose in every sense of it and not one that hampers your physical appearance. It may sound crude, but is it not a fact. If you sit and mourn and lament over it, life may be only a time to do that, for a person who has seen only challenges in life.  If you learn to take life as it comes, challenge the odds straight on its face, and come out as a warrior with a smile. 

Sometimes my writings may sound ridiculous. Few say it is a show off of positive attitude, that is not in me but posed by me, but it is a fight I have been going through from the time I can remember. I  write all that  I experience. I dare to stay alive and positive in spite of all that I have gone through without dramatizing it to the world.  I don't care what people think of me or talk about me, it is my life and they have no idea of what my journey of life has been like, what  challenges I have gone through or still going through. I have seen, experienced and withstood all the losses of life. 

I have always believed in the ultimate truth of life and everything depends on your attitude towards life. "Life is a question, nobody can answer it. Death is an answer nobody can question it." But death is no answer to run away from life, that is a question. You have to live it, face it and finally emerge a veteran warrior. When you can hide a pain with your smile, then you can rule over your heart with  sheer grit and perseverance of your mind. 

I dare to bear .....the multifaceted pain.

“Always rely on a happy mind alone…. A controlled mind will remain calm and happy no matter what the conditions.”

This quote made me think of the pain and challenges in my life. A way to embrace pain, not by giving in to it. But by fighting and enduring it with a strong will. First time after so many surgeries complained of pain to the doctors, who were surprised. I found myself asking if it was the age or my endurance that was the culprit. I found my family doctor who has seen my journey of life as a friend, confidante and doctor smiling at my question.

Physical pain has to be endured and fought with, at least that is what fifty five years of experience with pain taught me. And the last thing I would do is rant and rave about it. Sometimes even when you find others rejoicing at your pain, I dare to smile in that pain. And knowing I accepted this pain with intention, when I could have avoided it.

When I spend whole day and night trying to do things that make me happy,  I find pain taking an upper hand and even my smiles show it out. But the fighter in me is not one to give in to it. I decided to fight it out with my words,  a smiley stress ball, crawling on the wall and counting on my fingers. Sounds childish. But I enjoy it.  Those are the exercises for my hand and fingers that I do throughout the day, to keep myself occupied and to recuperate my hand that has been robbed of its lymph nodes. So told my pain to hang itself because I know that it is the very biological function that makes us thrive and survive. It is also the alarm bell that warns.

It is easy to give in, be defeated and become a victim.....which is like suicide. But I dare to bear......and bare the pain as a warrior.Life is beautiful for only those who know how to celebrate the pain. Enjoy this time, every moment is precious in life.

As Norbet Platt quotes, "The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thoughts, this in turn makes us think deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium."

A Longing heart in the tree of life.

Love, affection and care, is a many-splendored one that gives a throbbing feeling when you don't get it back. It may be a torture on your soul always if you take it that way and a feeling of completely,  hopelessly, desperately loving, all the while knowing it will never be returned,  one which makes the heart ache, but gives you joy of going through that agony. The pangs of unreturned affection never really dies....it goes into hiding in a remote corner of your heart.

Longing for lost affection, love and care is as futile as searching for the sun after sunset. The unrequited love, one I have known from the very age I learnt what  love really means ,is  loving someone so much, even knowing it will never be returned. It is an unselfish, unconditional feeling that makes you love someone with no motive behind it. It craves only for the well being of that person, without invading the privacy and happiness of someone.  It is never a fantasy of life.

Love is  the greatest feeling in the world. It does make your heart race, makes you feel like being on top of a mountain ,  walking on the misty air with a whiff of the cold breeze caressing you. . Unfortunately, just when you think your feet may never touch the ground, you can find yourself being crushed, by a sweet agony and an intense longing of that unrequited love. It is a chemistry that doesn't work, not because you are not worthy nor the other person reciprocating, it just leaves a sweet lull if you have loved right.  Love, affection, care, these are things money cannot buy. 

The unrequited love, care, affection, being a beautiful multi spendoured feeling is neither physical nor psychological, it is an emotional one with a lot of sentiments attached. Never is it a confusion of need, nor an obsession. Love is never possessively obsessive. Love is never a fantasy to find someone or something that is missing in your life.  A unrequited love is that burning flame of love hidden somewhere which wants only the best of everything for a person, with no selfish motives. The first love and pain experienced always hides in the corner of your heart, which is that aching sweet agony you always remember.

Any bond of life can get an unrequited feeling, when the yardsticks are different for all. That too gives an aching and longing, but always a sweet one. While nothing beats the burst of happiness that true mutual love can give you, nothing can feel as painful as experiencing unrequited love. But obsessive limerence is dangerous. One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter.  The heart is full, leave it to overflow on its own silently. It heals you of all pains endured.As Washington Irving quoted, " Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart."

“If my love were an ocean, there would be no more land. 

If my love were a desert, you would see only sand. 
If my love were a star- late at night, only light. And if my love could grow wings, I’d be soaring in flight.”
Jay Asher. 

When pain rains in your life, you realize the value of life itself.

It is an irony of life, that sometimes you realize the value of pampering  yourself for all the sacrifices made in life and all the pains endured, when it is rather too late to mend the overworked body. Still it gives a sense of satisfaction that the mind, soul and body, was used, misused and abused at times, for the welfare   and happiness of the loved ones. 

When you are on a journey of life,  accommodating others and neglecting the redressing of your own needs, then the body revolts on its own, before you could even realize it. It is then a revolution of the 'You' challenging you to look at it with a different perspective. Anything and everything  needs to balance itself, to walk the tight rope of life, be it even your own self.

Life is really worth more than valuing, feeling inadequate or wallowing in self pity looking for a shoulder to cry upon. It is the real pain in life that makes you realize that life is the most valuable commodity. A life is never dependent on another. It is an entity by itself. The psychological, emotional and physical pain, all these depend only on one person and that is "YOU." A very late realization that a man comes all alone to this world, and you have only yourself to heal, inspire, motivate and rejuvenate.  Every man is lonely, even when many loved ones are around you. Only YOU can heal your own pains and it is foolishness to look forward for emotional empathy. The day this realization comes, you are at peace with yourself. 

The best healer in any pain is the nature surrounding you. A lover of nature always, I realized its impact and healing capacity on me, after the creeping crab invaded my body. The magical sunset, the sky, the clouds, river, sea, mountains, trees , rains and cloudy skies; everything around me brought happiness and I considered them the little blessings sent my way. I found a childish joy in getting drenched in the rain,allowing the raindrops to fall on my face to heal me. I felt a kind of childish excitement while digging my toes into the sand when the playful waves caressed my feet.  It was like feeling myself energized when I could take in a whiff of the fresh misty air on the top of the mountains. 

The first time I was robbed of an organ, making me less feminine in appearance, I had not known what was in store for me, neither the pain nor the trauma. Living through it was nothing short of a penance of life. Even after coming out of that which seemed a never ending tunnel, I still had the sword of Damocles hanging over my head, in the form of another lump. The born fighter in me fought against all odds of life. Always felt it is these challenges and pains that kept me alive, taught me the value of my life and me. 

When life gave me the creeping crab as company, the triple negative one that was most aggressive, I had prepared myself for a long battle. Today I have become a veteran in the eyes of my loved ones and my doctors, who helped me fight my battle. But it is really the one battling through all the trauma who does, through sheer grit and courage. When my lump was always painful, the oozing fluid and blood landed me yet again in the most sophisticated cave. I had started my battle once again. When the suggestion of the lumpectomy was given, I opted for the mastectomy, knowing very well what was in store for me. I wanted the removal of that which threatened me with invasion of the creeping crabs. Pain rained on me, but I realized the value of LIFE. It is these pains that keeps me grounded and feel alive to fight out the challenges. 

It was then I realized how we take life for granted. How we hesitate to take the right decisions of life, letting the heart rule over the mind. Life is always a battle between the mind and heart. I rebel and question with my mind, all that the heart tries to dictate. You suffer silently for those who can uproot the very foundation of life, neglecting your loved ones. If ever I wanted to be happy, that depended solely on me. "Every man walks a lonely path in the journey of life, as you have only yourself in life and nobody else. All those who are with you are your co-passengers who go off, when they reach their destination. You are your own sole companion, solace, healer, inspiration and rejuvenation. 

I am just like any one else, a normal human being. But I am a born fighter. I have a strong fortress of strength , courage and positive attitude. Like anything in this life, the seasons do threaten to weaken it time and again. I try and garnish them with the natural ingredients to see that it doesn't crumble or wither away. My biggest asset is my "Never give up" stand that I have taken all along my life that had always been a long winding path with lots of hair pin bends and my "Positive attitude."

"Even when pain lashes out at me testing my patience and fortitude,
I DARE to burn, even when I turn to ashes."