Life's journey.

We are all travellers in the journey of life, where there are no maps or places of destination.  We start life's journey with empty hands and also rest forever with empty hands. May be the destination is in every step of our journey. Along our journey of life, we learn a lot of lessons the hard way, we have much heartache, but we also have lot of celebrations, joys, and special moments and also gather a lot of memories. The road is never smooth; in fact, throughout our travels, we will encounter many challenges. These challenges test our courage, strengths, weaknesses, and faith. Along the way, we stumble upon obstacles that will come between the paths that we are destined to take. To follow the right path, we have to overcome these obstacles. Sometimes these obstacles are really blessings in disguise, only we never realize that at that point of time.

Time stops for none, if we only harp on the hardships of life, we might miss out on some really amazing things that life has to offer. We can never go back to the past, we can only take the lessons that we have learned and the experiences that we have gained from it and move on. It is because of the heartaches, as well as the hardships, that in the end help to make us a stronger person. Is it as easy as that, when we give our life and soul for it?   The people that we meet on our journey, are people that we are destined to meet. Everybody comes into our lives for some reason or another and we don't always know their purpose until it is too late. May be when we have lost them forever. Some realize the value of a person in life, only when they are gone forever from the world.

Sometimes some people make a lasting impression with their silent caring ways,  we may not realize it at that time, but they will make a difference and change our lives in a way we never could imagine, a real blessing.  It is because of these encounters that we learn some of life's best lessons and sometimes we even learn a bit of ourselves too. Memories are always priceless treasures that we cherish forever in our hearts. They also enable us to continue on with our journey for whatever life has in store for us. It is believed that what doesn't kill us will make us stronger. It all depends on how each one's definition is about being strong. It may have different meanings to different people. It is a realization of what we are today. It also means looking deep into our soul and realizing that  what we  are today couldn't exist if it weren't for the things that  happened in the past or for the people that you have met. Everything that happens in our life happens for a reason and sometimes that means we must face heartaches in order to experience joy.

The journey of life is not in our hands, we go where life takes us, be it a path of boulders or a path of luxury. Where we had our own, there sometimes we feel like an outsider.  With time the journey takes different paths making it very painful, but as a traveller we have to go on, contended in what we have and making the most of it. As we travel sometimes the bygones come by and cross our path. The path of life is different for all.  It is a reality that nothing is certain in the journey of life. Sometimes we think of the meaning of this life when hit by hard realities that come like a bolt from the blue. We are hardly anybody, probably nobody, but what is to be will be.

The conundrum of a biological micro machine - your body.

The body is an instrument which only gives off music when it is used as a body. ~Anaïs Nin

The body gives music only when it is in rhythm, the rhythm in your heart beats, the bounce in your steps; though music can heal your body. Your body is actually a biological machine. I feel it is difficult to think of an asset that is more important than your own body. It is also a machine that needs to be nurtured like anything else. If you think of it as a car, it is a timeless classic that is your prized possession. Over a period of time, even the biological machine, your body may breakdown and many sluggish problems may crop up if the maintenance of it is neglected. When your body works overtime, it becomes complex and much more difficult to repair or replace it with the wear and tear or permanent damage. 

During the journey of life, busy in the rat race none think of its reliability or longevity or quality; could be due to complacence or negligence. You have to ensure that your body receives the best possible nutrition, exercise and relaxation to keep it fit, giving importance to its needs.  Unfortunately man tends to ignore this fact of your biological machine. There is no super pill or miracle pill but the requirement of the basics that is a balanced diet, ample fluids, enough rest and exercise. It is not designed to be inactive. Wake up and realize that health is your most important asset.

The day you find yourself taking more pills than your food, then you can be rest assured that you have abused and overused your body or you have been lethargic to use your body properly. Both ways you suffer. Sometimes the disease you fight and the strong treatment affects every tiny cell or organ. Still all is not lost. You can still fight those blues pampering yourself with the nutrients and exercise it needs to be strengthened. Become your own biological machine's mechanic and fill it up with the fuel it requires, carefully watching what you refill it up with and your body will probably thank you.  

Your fight for survival will inspire and motivate you to move ahead, facing the challenges any malady can gift you. Like any other machine, everything is inter connected. Sometimes it is the genetics that tend to ruin the machine, but even then it is a vital revelation that it is a power of the inevitable; a complexity of the functioning of all organs. When you think of the inevitable, it is human nature to think it may not happen to you; that you are immune to everything. The health care and choices taken during life have a dramatic effect on a long term basis. For some it is a long fight from childhood. Life is forever a fight for survival, taking care of your health while you can and the best way you can. 

A perpetual Scar.

Words come from within

Reflecting the pain,

Of what cannot be undone,

From a pained soul.

Fact come hitting hard,

Cry of despair deep inside,

Heart bleeds with every beat,

Hurting beyond repair.

Can tears cleanse it,

Or a smile set it right,

Or words put out the fire,

Of  burning pain?

So much it wants to say,

Tongue or pen is helpless,

Like the blank pages,

That flap and flutter away.

Dare to face every challenge and rise like a Phoenix.

Life after cancer does mean making some new choices, facing new challenges, valuing your life more, and waking up to the fact that you deserve to do what you love. You discover new things and realize it is a fight for life, through life with grit, determination and perseverance, and that the fight is never over. It is only at the end of your treatment, your journey of real fight starts. You really embark on another leg of your journey. It is adjusting to a lot of changes in your body, a fight with yourself mentally and looking up to squash the new challenges that crop up in your path. 

After your body has been through an enormous assault by the Emperor of maladies, recovery is a huge thing that depends only on you. You are going to bounce back, though not immediately. You are hit time and again throwing you down, either with a catapult of the after effect of the treatment or new threats from the creeping crab itself, that that makes your life worth fighting for, to dare and challenge it,  making you feel victorious and not a victim. The treatment may even have cognitive changes of thinking, remembering or processing that affect many aspects of life. Cancer is not a death sentence, it is a journey of life that that 'can' make you  a survivor; who is always a warrior fighting out the challenges the emperor of maladies sends your way to take care of yourself.

Sometimes I feel it is an awakening of your 'self' to take care and keep fighting, whatever it is that you are dealt with. The heart says I am beating for you, love me. The weakening of your muscles, tissues, ligaments and bones tell you to keep yourself fit and happy. Fight for that twinkle in your eyes that threaten to dwindle and dare to keep them alive. A survivor's armour is  the nutrition and exercise to keep yourself fit, in spite of all the challenges hurled at you. It reminds you to feed your specific needs of life. Wouldn't it be a shame to weaken after having fought the battle of cancer?

Life after cancer can sometimes be long and arduous path, with many challenges cropping up to weaken the body and mind. The treatment and the fight sometimes heighten a sense of vulnerability that creates confusion. At times effects of treatment doesn't stop with the end of treatment, but manifests itself in the journey after the treatment. It is only a never give up attitude that can keep your fight alive and your courage to challenge it leads you out of the tunnel of pain. It is always a new learning experience of life to fight life.

"Dare to face every challenge and rise like the Phoenix."

A price for everything.

Does everything in life have a price?  A question of a rebelling mind, thinking of my life beyond cancer. It made me contemplate on life deeply and I thought to myself that everything in life has a price, little do we think about it. All just go about in life, getting what each one wants, little thinking that a price is being paid for each little thing, either in a material or non-material way. But then again my mind rebels with all the questions possible in my vocabulary,  thinking aren't there a lot of little things that doesn't come with a price tag?

But when you take life as a commodity, everything has a price. You pay  not only for the choices made in life, but also for the choices you never made. You pay for every thing happening around you in some way or the other. Some of the ways in which you pay are with your life itself, some with your time, freedom, money, trust, peace of mind, health, relationships, privacy, hard work and also tears. These are all your day to day life taxes that you pay for the life or living. when you think of it, it has no end. Time is one thing involved in many, and like life you while away the most. If you want to realize and work to fulfill a dream, there too sometimes a price has to be paid, in some way or the other.

Anyway, my thought about all these came from the realization of my fight for life. Throughout my life, I have been a fighter where my health or life was at stake. At the age of three life gifted me a lump on my thighs, on the eve of the surgery date, it disappeared and the price I had to pay for it was excruciating pain in that leg, till date. My three years of cancer took me through a lots of paths unknown and known to me. Cancer made me realize the value of life. The winding path I had to take always, never deterred me from my fight with life.

Now I have learned that apart from the trauma of going through the treatment of cancer and the after effects of it that is immediate, there are a lot of after effects that can prop up  even after years of completing the treatment. It differs in every individual and some survivors may never have any side effects whatsoever. This doesn't make me give up my fight. For me it is a new learning experience, though I never knew that cancer and its treatments can have so many repercussions. Today I am preparing myself to give a fight,  daring to challenge those effects, thinking I still have many little things that mean a lot to me and  am more blessed than I can ever think of.

I find it amusing that anything and everything happening in my body, doctors have a scapegoat to point out, cancer and its after effects. The excruciating pain in the bones, cancer is blamed. The weakening retina, cancer is blamed. I sometimes muse over it thinking, it is like you always try to find a scapegoat to blame for all that is happening to you in your life. Today I would like to say, it is like a wake up call, for all that you tend to overlook in the rat race of life, just not giving enough care to your body when you can and should have. You need to pamper yourself a little once in a way and relax, taking time away from all the mundane activities of life, just to rejuvenate and re-energize yourself.

It is true that no one knows what life holds tomorrow. But today I still find joy in doing what means the most to me and keeps me going, even when I am fighting it out with my body daily. Whatever may be the after effect of the creeping crab, I still have the strength and will to wade through it with a never give up attitude, knowing my fight gets tougher with each challenge hurled at me. A love for life, through  a love for myself, forever falling in love with myself.

Here I am reminded of the verse of Robert Frost,

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,  

But I have promises to keep,  

And miles to go before I sleep,  

And miles to go before I sleep."

And yes, I have a dream to fulfill, promises to keep and duties to be fulfilled. And that keeps me going in spite of everything.

Power of the inevitable in life.

Life is sometimes too deep for words, that it is very difficult to describe it. For some it is a challenge of the inevitable accepting whatever is hurled in the journey of life. But for some it is a chase for whatever one thinks is missing, because of a mirage one is chasing. Instead of finding joy in the life you are given, it is the tendency of the human mind to go after what each one feels is perfect.

Life sometimes hands you joy in a platter and then with a blow takes away all you have, may be the only joy you are living for. In the rat race of life you tend to forget the ones living for you and run behind the ones who are just a mirage; you tend to forget the blessings you have been showered with while moaning about life in self pity seeking sympathy. Life is fleeting and you never know what the next micro second of your life holds for you.

Setbacks and challenges are inevitable and it is a fact that you emerge stronger and wiser, secure in your ability to survive in spite of everything.  You truly understand yourself and your inner power to survive against all odds when   tested by adversity continuously. It is a true gift to have painfully won it and worth more than anything else in the world that you only look forward to the little things that mean a lot in life. Life is simple as well as complicated, beyond anyone's control and it is the humility to understand it which enables you to survive its vicissitudes.

Everything said and done,  at times fate is too cruel for one to comprehend. I happened to call my friend and she told me about her son's friend who died in a car accident. My friend was devastated and in a shock after seeing the boy and his distressed mother. What a trauma it is for a mother to see her only son in that state. After hearing from her about the boy's mother and how fate has dealth a cruel blow to her, I just thought how uncertain and cruel it can be when facing the power of the inevitable of life. He was the only source of joy she was living for and then life suddenly snatches it away from her. How devastating life can be! But even at the time of sorrow that fate dealt her with, she donated all the organs of her son so that it can be alive through someone else's life. I salute that mother and being with her  at least in my thoughts, to share her loss.

A foresight of life through my eyes.

A vision is something you foresee for your life, but you can only foresee and fulfill it if  the vision of your eyes is intact till the end of your life.  A foresight is looking at life through a telescope. A foresight is never used to take care of the eyes that gives you vision till it is too late. Just like a tired body aches, the tired eyes to ache, but little heed is given to it till it is too late.

I had been feeling that even after a cataract surgery my power was increasing. I voiced it to my doctor, she said may be a film is covering the lens, go meet your eye doctor. I delayed it for three weeks, giving priority to other things at home and life. Yesterday I went to the doctor, and I explained my predicament to him. After initial look into my eyes through his  opthalmoscope, he told me that he has to get my eyes dilated. 

After dilating my eyes, I went in and he had a look at it properly and told me there is nothing to worry, just that my retina was a little weak. Though that did shake me up a little, I mused to myself, may be another challenge of a different kind. I asked him for the reasons for it and was told that for some people the radiation and chemotherapy can give that after effect. Apart from the trauma you have to go through while undergoing the treatment, I realized the real problems of the treatment of cancer, is the long term after effect an individual has to go through.  When you get cancer it invades your whole body in a way. 

I came back home, and got a forward about a dinner in the dark organised by three blind people, and was just thinking about it gazing outside , sitting on the steps in front. Just then, the street lights and the lights in front of each building started burning. I just looked at each light and realized I was seeing an aura around each light, that looked like a flower with many colors in it and I had not seen that till now. Suddenly I realized that it was due to the dilated pupils that I saw that beautiful sight. I was suddenly happy for that little blessing of viewing such a wonderful sight that made me happy. My little worry about my retina just disappeared  and I thought let me just enjoy the moment, something I learned from the butterflies that flutter around me daily.

I still had the vision to enjoy everything around me and that is what mattered. I have never worried about what can happen, lived the moments of my life feeling blessed for the little blessings that always meant a lot to me.

 “Attitude is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, money, circumstances, than failures and success, than what other people think, say, or do. It is more important than appearance, ability, or skill. It will make or break a business, a home, a friendship, an organization. The remarkable thing is I have a choice every day of what my attitude will be. I cannot change my past. I cannot change the actions of others. I cannot change the inevitable. The only thing I can change is attitude. Life is ten percent what happens to me and ninety percent how I react to it.” Charles R. Swindoll

Dance through life.

In every living moment of life, even with blisters of pain, you have to dance through life, not only with your feet but with your heart too. It is believed that a dance is the heart speaking in actions. Whatever it is that life bestows, you learn to dance in the rhythm of life, enjoying each step even if you have to bare your soul because dance reveals that in your life which music cannot. Life is always  uncertain, ever changing, out of control sometimes even in the best of circumstances and always challenging whether life is a smooth ride or a stepping on the toes. It has to move on with a rhythm, steering in a direction of its unfolding itself.  It is a fact that life dances and it is a mysterious gift of being alive, full of life. You have no other option but to dance along, with a skill of dancing through life and learning to move from pain to joy in life.

Life is a dance , where adversity is a misstep, but if you waltz through it gaining rhythm it is a challenging art of life. The various forms of dance are like the transitions in life. The music to which you dance is the rhythm of life. You can make it one that gives immense joy, while facing the challenges of life with all its expressions. It is a dance with all its expressions, one learnt as you go through life, where you either lead or follow. Though you know your steps, you may have to make up the steps at some point of time. In most of them you follow a music or you make up your own music to waltz, which is your choice and as you dance your feet is stepped upon. It can be a slow waltz or a fast one, but the best part of dance and life is that you can step in at any time, dance any form we choose to and it never matters if we know the steps or not. You can make them as you go unless you are dancing to a set rules of life. Dance as you wish but take care not to step upon another's feet while dancing. The rhythm of life takes you to the dance floor of life.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."Vivian Greene. What ever happens in life, you can moan about it or dance your way enjoying the little blessings. If you keep moaning life becomes standstill without any rhythm. Turn the music of your life on and dance to its rhythm being thankful for the life you have been given and what you have. 

The scans of life.

Today scans are a part of the routine health check up and they could save lives.  A cancer patient and survivor  as a part of the routine check up has to go through the scans of life, to sustain good life because they can show if the cancer has made a come back in any part of the body. They help to identify variety of conditions in the body.  A pet scan helps in detecting cancer, revealing the spreading of cancer,  effectiveness of the treatment or recurrence of cancer.

For me each scan is a process of learning, always experiencing something new. The Pet scan in a new diagnostic center and the formalities too different each time.  On the basis of 'first come first serve' I paid and waited till they called for me. When my name was called, they asked for minute details, I didn't have to change into their uniform as I didn't have any metals on me. The nurse's query of which side made me smile and say both sides, and followed by a look of confusion as to which side to fix the IV set. I felt amused as usual at the thought of an IV set on my legs, but another nurse told her to fix it on the side that was operated first.

After all the formalities waited for my turn, and I went into the radiation room where Pet scan patients had to wait. I was injected with the radio tracer into my vein and the syringe was a big metal one that would amuse  a person. after that I was given a jug of medicated water to drink at my pace in an hour. It was a different experience and learning for me. My turn for scan came after patiently waiting for an hour. Before the scan I was given another glass of the concentrated medicated water.

After being strapped to the metal bed, I went to and fro in the scanning machine with few minutes of holding breath each time I went to and fro. The dye injected as usual gave a stinging pain that spread to every part of the body and then cooled it off. Again I went in and out of the machine. I had got used to the scan. My doctor asked me if I was fed up of all the scans, I told him I took it as a new learning experience each time I had to go for a scan. Any way the scan over I was made to wait in the scan pet scan waiting room.

Anyways, the Pet scan report didn't show anything alarming except for a thickening of the chest wall, that would be observed. All my organs intact, I was happy that I was better off than many others. Challenges keep coming taking me through unknown paths of life and that keeps me alive. I am happy for the little blessing in my life that mean a lot to me.

Living beyond sunset.

Somewhere beyond the horizon,
Life waits for me, 

With a treasure,

Of eternal love.

In the expanse of the sky,

A paradise of colors,

Where you'll find me,

If you care to see.

If you listen to the magic in sunsets,

Its silent sighs,

With beautiful rays,

Spreading a light of hope.

I long for the moments,

When the twilight curtain,

Drops down with a palette of

Artistic tapestry across the sky.

My sunsets take me along,

With deep passion,

To the end of my day,

For a beautiful tomorrow.

It gives me strength,

To endure the beautiful pains,

And bring back the lost me,

With  promise of a wholesome life.

Mother's endless love.

In the cradling arms

A mother's bosom

Lies a gurgling spring

Of endless love.

It eases pain

When anxiety clings

Wipes flowing fears

To pursue dreams.

Far away she churns

Yearns for a glimpse

A love deep & abiding,

Like a soothing lullaby.