Diverse coexistence.

There is a language, a story and mystery in the vast expanse of the sky. 

A beautifully woven tapestry in the sky can narrate a story to you that is an awe inspiring sight. The vast expanse of the sky is a cocktail of the billowing clouds on one side, with a beautiful blue sky just beside it and a sky on fire between ashen skies......saying you look so beautiful today because I am by your side. Suddenly there is a lightening touching somewhere in the deep sea, showing a silvery line striking into the sea. Each day it narrates something different to me. I realized all these coexist and cannot be without the other and that is life in reality. The sky is a healer always. Sometimes gazing at the expanse of the sky I feel that it understands my mind, heart and soul and gives me a spectacular view of colors on one side, white fluffy clouds of the other and heavy ashen clouds; in the same sky. They look so diverse yet united in their movement. 

Watching the skies is always a constant source of fascination. Gazing at the mass of clouds, seeking formations in them is a child like wonder that leaves me awe struck at times. Clouds are found in different sizes, shapes, colors and distinct formations. They are truly magical. Spotting shapes in clouds is a delightful. Sometimes it is a heart, an elephant, a mother and baby; it is always amazing to see the changing formations of clouds in the skies. Every individual views at the patterns in the clouds differently.

Time with nature definitely helps me. Something as simple as sitting in the balcony could give me tranquil peace. Even when I am on the move the sky encourages stillness within. It shows me resilience and acceptance. I would like to always identify myself with my problems, emotions and thoughts; attached to what was and what is. I am not shattered either by the challenges in my life any more than the sky is shattered by the lightening or the thunder; nor get washed away more than the sky is washed away by the rain. The sky is a constant healer. 

"Gazing at the expanse of the sky,

 I sense it  perceives ,

 the language of the heart and soul,

 looking right through me intensely,

 expressions of my mind,

 as the clouds parade across,

 with secrets, truths and a radiant glow."

The dying art of calligraphic writing with a pen.

Gazing at a letter adorned with calligraphic writing, never fails to attract my attention or capture my heart and soul. It is a pouring out of all feelings and emotions onto paper with a pen. Is it a tale of mystery and intrigue or is it just a simple meandering glimpse of life's journey? Writing is on the way to extinction. How many of us still get or write such letters or a holiday card or a greeting card? Not many bother to put pen down their feeling onto paper. Who cares to write any more?  Is writing dying a slow and painful death? The answer would be 'Yes', though to me it still holds a lot of value.

There is more typing and clicking on the keyboard and mouse than writing with a writing instrument. We have moved into an age where the mouse, keyboard, keypads and instant messaging are dearer to us than the nimble pen, causing the slow and painful death of the art of writing. Undoubtedly, we still do "write", but we now "write" with the mouse and keypad. From the beautiful, smooth movement of the once mighty pen, we have moved to embrace the swiftness of the fingers in tapping keys.

 How many pick up the humble pen and paper to write? The joy of writing on a wonderful piece of paper, folding it, putting it in an envelope, applying the stamp and sending the letter is no more a reality, but moved on to typing and sending it to a virtual email address. The world has lost the joys of holding the card or letter, the psychological joy and contentment of touching, turning the pages and holding them.

 

It is believed that we have come to an age of “I click, therefore I am."

Words can evoke myriad emotions,

every word is a heart beat,

that is penned down with ink,

making a page come alive.

Now the pen is dying,

the keyboard types words,

but they are just words,

no life in the flying words.

The inked words can breathe life,

with all the feelings it hold,

sinking into the page,

as it bleeds with passion.

Reviews of my book "When I fell in love with life."

A word of appreciation and feedback of every reader is the reward of a writer. I am thankful to those who wrote a review of my book after reading it. The following are a few links to reviews of my book. Thanks a lot for the feedback.

1. http://ministryofmagik.blogspot.in/2015/10/book-review-when-i-fell-in-love-with.html

2. https://www.facebook.com/salismagazine/posts/962969623749973

http://www.salisonline.in/Blog.aspx?BLOG_ID=510

3. https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=702021579928840&id=674315009366164

4. https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=700186243445707&id=674315009366164

5. https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=700025993461732&id=674315009366164

6. https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=693084770822521&id=674315009366164

7. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=962669060460412&set=a.510139199046736.1073741832.100001519825910&type=3

8. https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=694758020655196&id=674315009366164
9. https://www.facebook.com/arunm.sivakrishna/posts/10206096290820984
10.https://www.facebook.com/chitrasemail/posts/10153529875553190

Life's inevitable crossroads.

Crossroads in life are inevitable. All face crossroads in life's journey, but when life gives blow time and again; there is a kind of helplessness that takes you to an entirely different crossroad. You have to be emotionally, mentally and physically strong to face the crossroad. When you are dealt with trauma of health hazards, over a period of time you tend to become emotionally and mentally weak and to come out of it takes a lot of time, courage and strength. It is positive thoughts that always give positive outcomes, but if you are facing a negative vibe from somewhere, then the capacity to stay positive doubles.

To have a positive and strong mind, you need to nurture it, anyone can be weary of constant stress, so it is important that you inspire yourself to engender positivity; you family and friends play a major role in this endeavour. The strongest of people are not those who do things for themselves, but ones who know whom to turn to when in need of help. Negative energy snaps you and brings you down completely.

Today standing at a crossroad of my life's journey, I ask myself, “Have I taken care of myself good enough?" Even after having fought the creeping crab twice, if I ask myself "have I learned to pamper myself a little and take care of myself?” it would be doing injustice to me if I said 'yes.' Today, when my mobility is threatened, I realize that I need to take time for myself, doing what I love the most, pampering myself a bit and relaxing to give my mind, body and soul the rest it needs.

Then why am I at the crossroads? I think it is because I am confused how to do it? Then I need to come to terms with my physical, mental and emotional health and find time for myself and take care of my health. There are times I have felt useless and helpless. Why? How? What? These are questions I ask myself. I have to come out of it, finding the inner strength to cope up with all these. Sometimes I feel the four years of my fight and health problems have made me vulnerable and easily open to hurt; sometime I find it difficult as I used to be a very calm and strong person. Where my health is concerned I am still strong enough to face and endure any amount of pains. But the mental and emotional stress; I think my strength has weaned a lot. I do not know if it is due to the health factor or the amount of stress is insurmountable, I think I need to find a way to get out of this crossroad of life as I always do.

Is it my health, my age or some other factor that is the cause, I am yet to find an answer.  Have I stretched myself beyond my capacity? Till I find an answer, I am just trying to find a solution from nature as it always soothes and heals me, giving me the inspiration and strength to go on.

Standing at an inevitable crossroad,

 with a trail of  confusing thoughts,

 heading on a journey of loneliness,

 storm clouds gathered around me.

 Perplexed at the turn of events,

 tired, helpless yet willing to fight,

 the hardest phase of life,

 I stand at a fork gripped with uncertainties.

 Lost somewhere blurred in oblivion,

 reflecting at the grey sky,

 I see an undying fire within me,

 to ignite the irreplaceable spark within me.

Moonbeams of love.

The beauty of the moon casting a silver net over the sea, is a beautiful sight to behold. It makes me gaze at it in awe, for its ageless presence as a muse depicting  life and romance for writers. The sea looks like a crinkling silvery surface when the moonbeams falls on the sea. The moonbeams kiss the sea, leaving ripples on the shore with its silvery shine. The waves clasp one another, rejoicing in the silvery light of the moon that reflect in the sea.

The moon shows the rhythm of time in cycles, determining the capacity for reflecting and adapting to life. The new moon is like infancy, the crescent is youth and adolescence, and full moon maturity of life. The waning is sleep and death. Everything  in nature has a connection to life. The moon shining over the sea is a sight that fills the mind with tranquility.

 The moonbeams kiss the sea,

As the waves clasp one another-

And fling silvered nets,

Over the crinkling sea.

The swells of the tide,

Like emotions on the high,

In shimmering silvery silhouettes-

With splashing waves on a thrill.

Twinkling joy of reflective sparkles,

In the splendor of moon-

Completes an incompleteness,

Of a love so true.

A long forgotten feeling.

The coral jasmine with its beautiful colors and fragrance has always been a part of my life that made me admire it; an imperishable memory in me. I have spent time under this fragrant tree, just gazing at the fallen flowers that make a thick carpet in its bower. It has always stayed in my soul with fond and precious memories. In many ways it is special and I consider it a gift of love, a long forgotten feeling that emerges whenever I see this tree laden with flowers, raindrops or dew drops hanging on the buds and then the fallen flowers.

 It is believed that the fragrance is the feelings of flowers. The coral jasmine does have intense feelings and is capable of evoking intense emotions. It is one of the most fragrant flowers and also known as night jasmine as they bloom at night and fall off to the ground by dawn, wafting the fragrance around and forming a tapestry of white and orange. I love these flowers for the sheer fact that they bloom and fall off in graceful beauty.

The coral jasmine tree is also known as 'The tree of sorrow.' But for me it has been a source of joy and inspiration. 

 You captivated me,

drenched in raindrops

my mind singing in joy,

at the sight of you,

a fragrance around me,

an untold emotion,

deep in my soul.

Blossoms of love,

that never fades,

in ethereal beauty,

of a misty glow,

truly evoking passion,

whispering sweetly at night,

with vivid memory.

 A long forgotten feeling,

of a little girl,

gazing shyly at a tree,

shaking heavy laden branches,

gathering fallen flowers,

a mystery lingers on,

the fragile coral jasmine.

Turbulence in a bond.

Clouds are believed to be representation of very powerful emotions with the ability to create or destroy. To see and contemplate the cloud is to learn about self just as it is in all the elements of nature. It can be transition and transformation.

 With intermittent rains and the change of sky from grey to sensuous blue has been a treat to watch. The sky is filled with while fluffy clouds that tempt you like cotton candy and then suddenly they get filled with grey clouds chasing the white clouds or different parts of the expanse of the sky is so different showing that all can coexist despite the great differences.

 As I watched the sky with awe, I found two grey clouds moving with a comfortable space among them. They kept moving in the sky, making me think of the day to day relationships of life.  The movement went on for quite a distance, till suddenly the space started reducing among the clouds and suddenly the distance among then became nil. Just then there was a lightening and a thunderous clap in the sky, make me ponder over it.

 I realized how every bond of life is so similar to what I had witnessed. As long as there is a comfortable space among, it grows and foster's the bond making it stronger. But as the spaces reduce the friction starts that destroy it. I remembered Kahlil Gibran's quote, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance among you. Love each other but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.” I realized how true it is. It was indeed a powerful presentation of a bond and the emotions that go with it.

The passion of a soul.

The bilateral mastectomies of a woman can leave her with devastating emotional scars even after she survives all her ordeals. The physical distress surmounts the emotions distress, though it depends on every individual to come out of it. She feels completely disfigured with a diminished sense of femininity. There is no magic cure for it either physically or psychologically, it has to heal from deep within the soul. It is irrespective what age the woman really undergoes the trauma, it takes great strength to regain her confidence, inner strength and the spark of life. It is the most unexpected challenge on the journey through breast cancer, wherein the breast has a hypnotic effect on a woman's figure with womanly curves being the muse even for her life partner.

Do people really understand this trauma and mental anguish that a woman really goes through after a bilateral mastectomy? Even if a woman knows it's the right thing, agreeing to a mastectomy as part of breast cancer treatment can be a difficult choice to make. Over a time though a female body is 'stretched, pushed, squeezed and contorted in various ways, the obsession for the breast with beauty is seemingly more amplified now. The cancer diagnosis and bilateral mastectomy can be very terrifying, with painful scars that sting the soul, is very difficult to accept for many. It calls for sheer grit and will power to overcome all these emotional stress and finally emerge with a rare inner beauty and confidence with a smile on the face and bounce in the step.

There is in fact no age for romance and passion. Even after all these emotional stress and painful trauma, the passion and romance never dies down. If it dies down then there is no life in you. Passion is the fire that keeps you going through all the challenges. You need inner strength to retrieve your self-esteem and how you look at yourself as a woman.

Although a double mastectomy can change your feelings about yourself and your body, it's important to remember that you're worthy of love and attention — both from yourself and others. By staying positive and surrounding yourself with a good support system, you can go through anything in life with your self-esteem intact.

The artistic paintbrush of nature.

The most beautiful artistic creation of nature is a beautiful rainbow, that she paints for us in the sky. It is a truly mesmerizing, enchanting and breathtaking beauty that is untouchable in distance, but one that comes directly from the palette of nature's paintbrush. Rainbow is a spectacular creation in which all the five elements of nature is involved,  one that appears after a rainstorm, restoring and cleansing the turbulent storms of the earth and the soul, a kind of calmness after all the uncertainties and pains.

Though it is a meteorological phenomenon that is caused by reflection, refraction and dispersion of light in water droplets resulting in a spectrum of light appearing in the sky, it is a spectacular sight to behold. A double rainbow is a bonus and a hope of restoration.  In a double rainbow, a second arc is seen outside the primary arc, and has the order of its colors reversed, with red on the inner side of the arc. 

I love rainbows and its beauty. But a magnificent double rainbow was something I don't remember witnessing at all. I felt it was a hope for transformation of my life. It was worth stopping by to admire the beauty of a magical creation. A double rainbow gracing the sky of Chennai was something spectacular and a rare sight. It was indeed a magical experience that touched the heart and soul directly. It filled me with an awe and energy of love with a hopeful healing. It brought me a promise that all pains would pass, strengthening the vision of life. It was a sign of new beginnings and joy.

I find a rainbow, an extraordinary sign of fulfilling my heart's desire. To me it was a magical enchantment that filled me with a childlike wonderment and joy. It was an inspiring sight  to strongly hold on to hope, to believe without a shadow of doubt that even when everything falls  in pieces around me and inside me; I had to be strong enough to face my pains head on. A double rainbow to me was a sight of believing in the miracles and magic of life's moments and to trust my vibes.

The face of being faceless.

When you look at life's journey and the chain of events, a story begins when each is responsible for the ones caused and the next one. It may be tough and ugly at times, but the journey and the outcome is what matters in the end.

It may be an ironic truth that a man is sometimes rendered faceless by others.  He may have become a 'no one’, an entirely different person. Who is the cause? It is a big question mark that needs to be introspected. For some it may be a mission. For some it may have been forced upon. Whatsoever the reason, it becomes a painful and transforming one, knowing who is who in the end.

The act of being faceless may be due to a deep question asked by somebody. It may be the vulnerability, the act of being judged, etc that rendered a man faceless. In the wake of lurking uncertainties, you weave a cocoon around, so that you have the time to tear away the mask of becoming faceless. What makes them so and why are they guarded. This is a million dollar question each asks oneself, when rendered faceless due to innumerable reasons.

You sometimes feel unsettled out of the blue; drained and depleted, due to something unpleasant that happened in the journey of life. It is not your fault, yet you feel responsible. It is a phase of ironic truth that is heart and soul wrenching; of the identity of 'you' in yourself. It is an ultimate truth of probably becoming a 'nobody' in the journey of life.

A twilight reflection.

Before the complete darkness falls after the sun says goodbye and sinks down, the sky is an artist's workshop; the sky in a tapestry of colors that makes me spell bound. The scattering light of the setting sun reflects the colors and illuminates the sky in splendour that leaves me flabbergasted. Many a day just passes off without much consequences or recognition. But there are times of the day that reflection is simple yet resplendent. Twilight is that part of the day, which seems to gently remind me to slow down, reflecting on the present moments. For me it is a kind of distilled inspiration to watch out for such moments.

The magical hours of twilight are a great time to watch out for its beautiful hues. The reflections of the sunset and twilight colors in water are a feast to the mind, heart and soul. The sky and the surface of the water, inspire the mind with its spectacular artistry. The sunset is a promise for a new dawn, yet it is majestically beautiful filling the soul with a dream of a new day. 

The glowing embers of the dying fire in the sky winks down from the sky at the still waters, making it crimson with a warmth and illuminates the sky with its reflections in the water as the curtain of the sky drops down the twilight colors. The sinking lustrous, disc casts brilliant shades of colors across the sky and the water surface.

Sunsets are magnificent and awe-inspiring examples of the wonder of nature and there’s one at the end of every single day! So when was the last time you stopped and took a few minutes to appreciate this awesome spectacle? A beautiful sunset illustrates the passing time while making it seem to stand still for just a moment. The amazing display of light and color reflecting just can’t be recreated anywhere else. In the hustle and bustle of life, it is often forgotten how to appreciate pure beauty. You can rediscover the lost romance of life gazing at the setting sun. They are so simple, yet can transform the outlook of your life.  

For me the evening sky is a constant companion that never fails to soothe and heal me. A few moments spent gazing at the sky, in the silhouette of the setting sun and the spectacular display of the colors reflected, is an inspiration to forget all the heartaches of the day, to wait for a new day that it promises me. 

"Twilight comes in flushed with warmth,

soft diffused light scatters,

illuminating the sky,

as darkness befalls,

creating a flutter in my heart."

Photograph courtesy: Asha Menon.

Paper hearts.

Words are little paper hearts,

sometimes shot from a cupid’s bow,

that evoke many emotions,

echoing in the mind,

twisting all chords,

leaving one puzzled,

at the feelings mere words can yield.

They can make love,

bind you together in unison,

control you to follow,

with a mystery to make bridges,

between two hearts,

butterflies fluttering in stomach,

in an eternal love.

Like carved phrases or composed melodies,

flowing from the heart and soul,

in the whispering pages,

passing through ages,

etched with promises,

each word bleeding ink,

paper hearts cannot be replaced.

Posted in High on Poems.

The sensitive, 'Touch me not.'

" Touch me not" is a sensitive plant, that wilts or droops at the slightest touch on its leaves. So also that name is given in general to a very sensitive person too. Just like a very sensitive person draws into himself/herself when hurt, the touch me not leaves fold inwards and droop when touched or shaken defending themselves from harm and then after a few minutes they re-open. 

As a child, and even now, touch me not is a plant that delights me, makes me smile whatever state of mind, and it has always created interest in me at the sensitivity of its leaves to human touch. It is a fascinating response, that ignites the curiosity of the mind. Some compare it to the response of a man at the touch of the opposite sex. Whatever it might be, it still fascinates me. I go looking for these plants and see its response at my touch. A perfect example of a stimulus, though it is a defense mechanism. 

I used to wonder at the euphoria created at the sight of these plants. How a touch makes it shudder and fold the leaves, is something I used to compare to an unwanted talk or touch that could make me shudder from inside. It is still a plant that ignites a thought in my mind to ponder over.

"A sentient touch me not,

there is a space that none can perceive,

in the touch me not leaves,

its beauty is second to none,

though they wilt at the slightest touch,

sensitive as they may seem,

for they wrap arms around themselves,

with a sense of true longing.

Who says they have no feelings,
It is just a self defense.

Transitions through cancer (From my book, "When I fell in love with life."

The transition in a woman’s life when she loses her most important feminine part is like going into a cocoon and coming out like a beautiful butterfly. For me, it is realizing that beauty is not in physical appearance, but in inner strength and the positive glow you radiate. At this crucial crossroad of life, I am attracted to a flower as I am a lover of nature, who from childhood observed the flowers and the butterflies that are attracted to them, although the similarity is usually found between a flower and a woman.
Flowers are a delicate entity of beauty to behold: a thing of beauty that is a joy forever. A flower is admired, caressed, adorned, crushed, destroyed, used, misused or abused.
Much like a woman who is often compared to a flower.
Just as a flower is considered to lose its beauty when it loses its petals or it falls off or fades or dries up, so does a woman lose her attractiveness. But, even then the flower is useful at that time, just like a woman.
Just as a butterfly is attracted to a beautiful flower, so is a man towards a woman. Butterflies are often given a masculine gender because they flutter from flower to flower. The essence of a flower’s beauty or a woman’s beauty is enough to take anyone’s breath away. But no one bothers to look for the inner strength that is the real beauty.
A woman is loved and adored as long as she is able to serve the purpose; so is a flower. Both can bring a feeling of exhilaration and awe. Man thrives on the very existence of flowers with or without the awareness of its characteristics and traits which are similar to that of a woman. Though a woman has many parts that a flower does not have, they have the body and soul of a flower. The honey or nectar could be their lusty essence of womanhood. But sometimes, a woman floats into nothingness.
I was not bothered about losing the most-sought-after ‘part’ of femininity, even though I had already lost another vital attribute part of womanhood, one that makes you a proud mother.
It is a trauma to lose it suddenly, and at an age when you are not old enough to lose it. The after-effects of not producing vital ‘feminine’ hormones, the psychological changes a woman goes through due to sudden menopausal symptoms, a lack of understanding --- everything is sometimes a slap on the face of womanhood.
I am a rebel and a strong believer of keeping up the dignity of woman. A slighting word from anyone was like taking the wrath of a rebel in every way. I was a person who grew up hating the perverted and selfish ways of men (though I don’t measure all with the same yardstick because I find women too of the same category).
A woman can be the most passionate person. But she can also become tight-lipped and non-expressive in an extended family. From being someone who was very expressive and straightforward, it was a great change to become a person who buried everything in the remote recesses of her mind --- a person who has passionately given her everything for the family that was her world --- it was nothing less than trauma that affected the heart, body and soul to lose her feminine parts.
Being born the fighter she was, she turned to the things that meant a lot to her. First time she lost her vital femininity, she went back to teaching tiny tots who captivated her heart. When her world crashed again with the loss of all her remaining ‘feminism’, she took to reading that used to be her world, and slowly she took to writing her thoughts, a habit her dad had inculcated in her as a child.
I am still passionate, beautiful and the same person I used to be. I learnt that passion and unfeigned love never dies. I love cancer for what it has done for me --- to be my old expressive self, writing my innermost thoughts, which perhaps someday someone might read and figure out that inside the fighter, there still lives a vulnerable person who is ever passionate and ever loving.
A beautiful bud bloomed,
when a butterfly softly touched,
she slowly unfolded her petals,
singing the most melodious tune,
she had in her rejoicing heart.
A waft of misty enchantment,
created a magic in the air,
as the butterfly kissed her,
she danced in the gentle breeze
flashing the most beautiful smile,
with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes,
feeling happy to have
endured the pain of a bud
blossoming into a delicate beauty,
she spread her sweet fragrance
knowing well she had to join
a carpet of flowers, in its bower.

From 'When I fell in love with life'.

The ever giving Portia tree.

Trees have been silent companions of a man. They are an endless source and resource that teach us and also nurture us. They are good teachers of patience, endurance, strength, healing, the value of standing tall,  rest to rejuvenate, to reveal oneself with honesty, freedom and to be deep rooted with a firm foundation.

The Portia tree also known as Indian Tulip has kept me in awe from the time my eyes fell on it. As I watched it, I was taken aback seeing the striking resemblance of the transition of life in a woman and the flower of that tree. It is a quick growing ever green tree with glossy dark green heart shaped leaves, showing that it is an ever giving tree. The flowers appear singly off and on throughout the year. The petals are so tightly compressed in the bud condition that even when the flower is fully open, all the five petals look crumpled. The petals are yellow, with a bright red spot at the base, each wrapping the other along one margin and itself overlapped by the petals adjacent to it on the other side. As the flowers grow old, they take on a pinkish hue before they fall off. Some of the flowers hang on to the fruits, till they really shrivel up and fall down.

This flower has captivated my soul to such an extent. I always compare a woman to a flower. The bud as it starts opening up reminds me of a girl maturing into an adult. The flower when it open up fully, it displays its actual beauty like a woman who attains complete womanhood and opens up to the one who is her life partner. Later on the flower starts closing, taking a pinkish hue portraying its beauty and glow, showing the graceful aging of a woman. It bears fruit and the flower hangs on till the fruit matures and then gradually falls off in full splendor.

Trees have always been my silent companion from childhood, playing with them; climbing up and sitting on its branches. Today they heal me like nothing else can. The first thing in the morning I make my coffee and sit in the balcony listening to the rustle of its leaves, the flower slowly opening up and the heart shaped leaves that smile at me.

The beauty of Autumn.

There ought to be a reason why autumn seems so very meaningful.

Have you ever looked around in a blissful, eyes transfixed on a magnificent and incredible view?  There is a rare beauty in the changing of the leaves, as if by sheer magic from green to yellow, brown or fiery red.  They way they let go of the branches and fall to the ground gracefully is very symbolic. Even on the ground they rustle in the gentle breeze or crunch under the footsteps as they make a carpet to tread upon. The changing of the season is quite noticeable, each passing day. The flamboyance of the leaves fade, and they are on object of attention to many artists.

It is a season of the changing of colours and the impermanence of things in life. As you watch the fluttering of leaves to the ground, it reminds of nature’s cycle that is mirrored in you.

Every changing season has a beauty and specialty in it.

“Spring passes and one remembers one's innocence.

Summer passes and one remembers one's exuberance.

Autumn passes and one remembers one's reverence.

Winter passes and one remembers one's perseverance.

― Yoko Ono”

Dear Friends,

There is nothing like a book to take us into far away lands, a swirling love story, plunge in between the words of poetic verses or on a life journey. It used to be so easy to define a book, a collection of printed pages inside a hard or soft cover containing story or verses. A book is a world by itself, where you can travel along with the author into a world unknown experiencing a new life altogether. It might be a non-fiction, experiences or philosophy of life.

"When I fell in love with life," is an anthology of my experience and my connection to nature to heal myself. It is not a great story, but the life I went through put on a platter openly to inspire any one going through some illness or suffering of any sort. It is to carry out a message to the readers that cancer is not a taboo.

It is not just a bag of words, but a journey into the world of a cancer survivor.

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http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/when-i-fell-in-…/1122459652…

By the sea of life.

I always stand by the beach, gazing at the sea in admiration. It is a wonderful teacher. Like anything else in nature it has life, it has moods and it is a mystery just like life is. When life becomes mundane in the sea of life, you feel you just want to get out somewhere in solitude alone with your thoughts so that you can gather yourself up again, the sea never fails to inspire, soothe and heal.

The sea is different early mornings and in the evenings. In the evenings the beach sand has two slopes at two different levels. But in the mornings the waves comes up to the top of the second slope formed by the sand. It is really intriguing to think of it and how the shores too change due to the waves and co-exist. The waves too frolic and spray as they collide against each other. The spray of water after a point of time creates a hazy view. The sea is so unpredictable, so is man. The mind and the sea are alike. The sea with all its moods, I feel has a soothing effect on the soul. My evenings pass by with my observing the sky and sea waves, trying to understand their changes.

The sea is beautiful, dangerous, fascinating, awe inspiring and endless. The ocean as a whole is a calming blue. But as soon as a wave begins to take form, green lifts up underneath it. It  brings  great understanding to my life. I let the wind mess up my hair, bring a chill to my skin and breathe fresh air on my mind. Sometimes that’s all we need—fresh air, and nature around to make you feel weightless. When you look at the horizon have you ever noticed if you look down a hallway or a road, the end seems to come to a smaller point but with the ocean, it’s endless. It’s wide, vast and never-ending.

It reminds me of the possibilities in life—that I should never feel too big or too small. I am me, and I prefer to be just me in this vast wide world of mine.

When mind decides matters of the heart.

"When mind decides matters of the heart," is a caption I read in front of a cardiology clinic. I smiled pondering over it. Is the mind your culprit or the heart? Mind reasons and rationalizes and helps to figure out like a mathematical problem. Why is there a division between matters of the mind and the heart?

Heart is supposed to be a muscle, but that muscle can stop the life of a man of any size. And it is believed that one person is dead only when he becomes brain-dead. But the inherent strength of both heart and brain is enormous. Both are weakened by a sting.

Your heart is a muscle. It has inherent strength that can be made stronger, like every other muscle, by using it. Imagine for a minute that the heart is like a castle, and the drawbridge is the mind. You let in only what is safe for you, and then you never grow. You have to go through all emotional attacks and catapulting letdowns.

I thought of all these when I read that caption outside the cardiology clinic, which set in a whirlpool of thoughts trying to analyze what it meant as far as cardiology is concerned. It is all in the mind is what came to me immediately after reading it. But is everything just in the mind, where the heart is concerned? I really felt it is caption worth prodding over....quite a thought provoking one.

I asked two of my friends this as a question for which I wanted an answer." When mind decides matters of the heart?" One friend said when the heart is mature enough to reason with the mind. Another answer was many a times. The mind does reason with the heart...I felt both have to go hand in hand, lest either the heart or the mind will go for a toss. 

At an age when reasoning has no value and you are head over heels in love, with butterflies in the stomach, may be then the heart never listens to anything or anyone.

Anchoring in mid sea.

I used to gaze at the fishing motor boats returning after a catch during my morning walks to the beach.  But I have never dreamed of going in such a boat, riding over the high waves with an adrenaline rush and the waves spraying all over you. The engine whirled and zoom we went over the high waves making its way away from the sea shore, feeling the strength of the splashing waves as it hit the bottom of the boat with a thud sound. Turning back to the shore, everything looked so far away, and the only sound heard was the engine's roar. It is a beautiful experience the sea waver splashing all over, unwinding from the hectic day to day routine of life, leaving everything behind you on a mute. The solace of the sea is like a balm and tranquil. Clad in a life jacket you can float in the sea or just enjoy sitting in the boat. 

Is there anyone who doesn’t want to meet the horizon on to the sea? It gives a rush of feelings to think of floating in mid sea on dark Turquoise sea water for hours while looking above at azure sky? I am amazed by the splendor of the blue green mid sea, anchoring in the ripples formed by the sea. Staring at the sky made me lost in rapture of miracle. It is a feeling of bliss riding over the waves.

The rides certainly depend on water currents and climatic and tides of the sea. It is common knowledge that the sea is an entity impossible to predict and full of mystery.  The importance of riding with the local fishermen who genuinely understands the ocean from years of fishing, is really an added advantage and they really know where to anchor in safety.

An experience to remember, moments that give simple joy, sitting in the boat just gazing at the sky and sea, watching the ripples reflect the sun like million tiny mirrors, with just the swaying of the boat as if it is rocking you with a sweet lullaby.

A rendezvous with rain at the beach.

Rain awakens my spirits and expressions. The sight, sound and smell of rain always entices me. It is pure bliss to walk in the drizzling rain, the drops falling on my face and making a soft music. As I walked to the beach, I could see few people seated on the low pavement wall running back to their cars and those who were on the sand head towards the small vendors with an umbrella.

The sky was covered with dark billowing clouds and few white fluffy clouds scattered that reminded me of the cartoon character Casper the friendly ghost. I could see those standing near the water edge scramble hurriedly, giving me a strange look. The drizzling rain drops falling around,  I stood on the water edge as the waves came to tickle my toes.  I could see some of them rushing madly for shelter, while others like me enjoyed the rain. Those who have never experienced it, would never understand the unbridled joy of soaking  bare feet in the waves of the sea and the euphoria of getting drenched slowly in the drizzling rain.

The sea was calm and the waves splashed with the sprays hitting my face. The ripples left by the receding waves in the sand fascinated me. I experienced a different aspect of  the beach, an unexpected  rendezvous with rain. It is a beautiful experience getting caught in the rain at the beach. A sudden gush of wind send a shiver inside me, but I was too absorbed in my thoughts, standing in the water with the raindrops falling all over me, to bother about it. It was a wonderful evening by the seaside in the rain, a beautiful experience to remember.

The smell of the sea, the sprinkle and tickle of waves as they kiss your toes; the feel of each grain of sand, the footprints on the sand and the ripples formed by the receding waves warms my heart. There is no better place to be in than along the beautiful sandy beach in the rain with the waves lapping at your feet,  to soothe your soul

Sunset at the beach.

The sea intrigues me, but it also heals me and soothes me in many ways. I love to watch the sunrises as well as the sunsets at the beach.  The sea has a mystery around it just like the mind of a man. The sea last two days looked calm and tranquil but at the same time it looked as if it had receded a bit. After the tsunami the walking distance to the sea water on the sands had been drastically becoming shorter.  The waves behaved in a different manner, making different shapes in the sand.

Water has an amazing influence on the mind, like the waves the mind is enhanced to widen or narrow. The sea draws me to it and never fails to fascinate me. It takes out the worst confusions of my mind and brings out the best. The sea like the mind is peaceful and quiet at times, but sometimes it is stormy and dangerous; like the mind it has a tendency to be polluted. But  everything said and done,  when I stand by the sea digging my toes in the sand, it never fails to soothe the storm raging in my mind.

The sun rising from the sea at the beach is a healing sight. The same way the sunset too. I love to watch the formations of the clouds, when the sun is shrouded by dark clouds. My mind too like the sun was shrouded by a lot of disturbing thoughts that had been plaguing me with the thought that I was at a crossroad where something was eating into me. A rebel like me was not able to shake it off however I tried to.

I was watching the sun shrouded by clouds and at a point of time it looked like the sun was caught in the mouth of a big python. I watched it with a confusing mind and then I saw the clouds slowly changing formations and the sun was below them like a pearl coming out of an oyster. I observed it with an awe and realized that my mind too was at ease. If my mind was disturbed it was because I was allowing it to. Why think of a situation that hasn't come yet? So slowly I walked away from the sea towards the sunset that eased my mind grateful for the time I spent with nature who was always like a mother soothing and healing me.

Childhood nostalgia

In the rat race of life, the grind of adult life can make us long for childhood again -- a time when there were no worries of the past, present or future. It is a yearning for those bygone days when you see something or a place that holds lots of fond memories. .Though city bred , I always had and still have the heart with fond memories of my beautiful village and everything about it.

In those memories one that I hold close to my heart is the peacock feather and the crab’s eye. Both have been a favorite always for me. It was the belief of a child those days that if you keep a peacock feather in between your book, it will double. I think of that even today when I see a peacock feather anywhere. It was a belief and wishful thinking that made me check  the book often to see if it had doubled.

The crab’s eye was a seed that attracted me where ever I found it. In my ancestral house this creeper was found on the trees and I would always go picking them up, which I still do when I see them. Though it is a rare thing in cities, it is still found in rural areas.  I still feel a child like joy when I see them. It is believed that taking a handful of crab’s eye makes you mischievous.

My childhood memories, both these had great significance. I used to collect them both and am sure, every child really loved it. Such precious things are really missing these days. Childhood memories are those little joys that are pleasing ; they are always associated with some sort of innocent plays and collecting simple things. It may be just a piece of marble, broken bangles or even crabs eye.  I doubt if  a child of modern times  collected such items. Though they look little, they are priceless to those kids belonging to a few decades back.

Gliding through clouds - Wishing time stood still.

Milestone of life - At the threshold of sixty.

In the race against time, life  is like footsteps that fade in the sands of time. It depends on what time line of life you are, thinking on it and whether you really welcome that status. It takes strength and courage to age gracefully, irrespective of what age you are. It is really a time to look back on your journey of life, contemplating on what you went through, what it did to you and what you have become today. It is the  significance and insignificance of life, the significance of the little things  that is usually considered insignificant. An insight into the relationships of life, where you failed and what you really gained. A time to record and reflect on the wonderful, fascinating and challenging life you lived.

At every stage, age defines a woman from an infant baby girl to being a grandmother.  It is a milestone of all memories, turning into a grand sixty; a treasured milestone that is important in every way, a time to look back at all the good and bad memories that have flown by. It is turning six decades of your life as a woman, not complaining or whining on what went by, looking at how far you have come in life, the family you love and cherishing those fond memories  in the sunset of life.  It is a graceful stage of elegance,  with a rare inner beauty that radiates with the twinkle in your eyes still intact. You are still full of life,  a certain kind of vivacity and a stage where life starts with a new light in your heart and soul.

Every small milestone pops up making you wistfully wonder where time has gone. However seemingly small and insignificant moment it may be, it can take you by surprise and lead you to a full life, enjoying all the little things that you have always loved the most. In every aspect of life it is your strength and confidence that takes you through life. You may have crossed many milestones, facing all the hurdles and challenges; as you age it is a time to enjoy the fruits of your labor. It is a time to relive the magical moments of life even while looking forward to a new learning and experiences.

It is a threshold to an altogether new way of celebrating life, feeling alive and living it to the fullest. While turning in to the new milestone of being sixty it may be faced with full positive or negative emotions. Aging depends on the temperament and outlook of each individual. For me it is a time to cherish all that I have gained in life. I may have erred a lot, hurt a lot, made a lot of mistakes, but I have learned a lot too and tried to become a better person than I was yesterday. I learned to value all those I hold close to my heart, but also to give space to all to grow as each one likes. My challenges of life made me what I am today, and made me a stronger person; though emotionally I still remain most vulnerable with the ones I hold close to my heart.

Though I have been a born fighter always, I still have my own weaknesses. I remain a confident and positive tower of strength, I still feel emotional when I am hurt by my close ones. The fights of life battling against life and time has never bothered me, but my relationships that I value always leaves me in a turmoil. Life taught me the hard way that any relationship can be broken just like that even if you have taken time and fostered them with love. Still I value each person in my own way.

Spending time with plants, I learned a lot. A dying plant, even dried may sprout new leaves when watered with love, but relationships even when fed with a lot of love can just die. At this stage of life, I have learned a lot the hard way and that still hurts a lot, though all the physical pains have never mattered to me even when I fight a daily battle to maintain quality life.  I look for just little things that gives me immense joy. Life is always a continuous learning process.

Be like a duck.

Nature is an amazing teacher. When you learn to observe the things around you, you learn a lot from the sun, the wind, the sky, water or many of nature's immaculate living things. When you observe, watch, see and listen to the experiences that it represents, you open yourself up to an infinite teacher in life.

"Always behave like a duck-keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but paddle like the devil underneath," this quote brings forth a way of life to balance life while battling life. You may be going through a lot in life, fighting the battle of keeping alive daily, but why let others know what you are going through. It interest none what you go through, so it is better to smile and stay calm as long as it is possible. When you watch a duck swimming in the pond, it seems very calm and moving without much effort, but none seethe under surface struggle of it kicking very hard to keep afloat.,

I have been thinking of the duck, comparing it to a cancer survivor or a patient. There may be many people giving in to the disease without a fight, because they don't want to suffer and make the ones around them suffer. Many are always lamenting and wallowing in self pity making the life of those around too a hell. But the real warrior and survivor stays calm though it is an exhausting experience to stay afloat in the true grit of life. There is an inner fight  beneath the surface that none see.

The daily fights of a cancer survivor is not made known by many and to many, the reason for which may be best known to each individual. Some like to fight it out silently so that the loved ones around are not in fear of what may happen or what is happening. The well known saying that when it rains it pours may describe life at times and to stay calm at such moments needs grit and determination. A duck doesn't run away when it rains, it stays in the rain.  Whatever it is they simply endure it . You have to endure it whatever comes your way, enjoying the simple things when they last. Being like a duck is not retaliating and making things worse, fight it out in a dignified way staying calm and with an inner fight of never giving up. 

The lone paths of life.

Being a cancer survivor is embracing pain, fighting a daily battle with the pains and repercussions of the long term after effects of radiation and chemotherapy. Do all have these problems, it is a big NO. It all depends on your body constitution, wear and tear, age and a lot of other factors of life.  It is the biggest battle of life to know that different parts of your body are fighting it out due to the after effects of the treatment. Any problem you have, the doctors have just one answer; that it is the long term after effect of the radiation and chemotherapy.  The daily battle I fight is in a way a victory for me, but in the fight sometimes you get tired and to keep up your spirits is the biggest task. If you ask me there are only two options to all the daily challenges, you fight physically; due to the physical fight the emotional fight is the biggest task and you can either give up completely or fight like hell. Is it as easy as that, when it is not only a physical fight but also a psychological fight,  then I would say, it is the toughest battle of life to keep going when you have to fight with every little part of your body and also your psychological fight towards it.

At some crossroads of life, in a journey through all winding paths fighting all battles, it hits like a thunderbolt that life has rendered you a lone path. It is a daily fight with life and your body to keep your life going; being thankful for the little mercies bestowed and the little things that matter a lot in life which no riches can buy. You realize that all those you look up to are no more near you. All are lost in their own battles of life and shut themselves away from you.  For some it is a battle to stay afloat, for some it is a battle to live on, while for some it is a daily struggle to fight a battle to maintain the deteriorating elements of the body that is a biological machine. Each one is in a battle within oneself. In the daily battle for life sometimes one tends to drift away from all.

For a cancer survivor it sometimes becomes a daily fight to maintain the quality of life. Some days you struggle to find rhythm in life, it is a tough fight against yourself with a will to survive. It is the fight that makes you value every living moment of your life. It makes you lose fear of death and enjoy the moments that are available to you; it makes you look at all the little insignificant things of life. It is self motivation and the inspiration to fight out to feel alive and wake up to see the dawn of another day.

Power of Impermanence.

The power of impermanence is like the never ending vast sea, a really confusing topic that is often hard to wrap around the head and heart. When you realize the hard way nothing is permanent, it hits you like a bolt from nowhere and renders you cold. It is a passing phase they say, but one that leaves a heartache and a scar. I used to take pride in the bonds I made with the ones I held close throughout my life, thinking goodwill always keeps them close to me. But I learned it the hard way that goodwill may remain, but after I perish. In life the bonds can break in a split of a micro-second, without a thought. No bond on earth, be it of blood or of the heart lasts forever. You are always left with yourself alone.

In today's world all think of short term relationship...letting go and reaching out. There was a time when relationships were for keeps, throughout life till death. But the significance of a permanent relationship is fast fading. In a jiffy, a relationship is cut forever, with no regrets. I still live in the times where a relationship is grown like a plant with care and sincerity. Two of my potted plants had dried up completely, but I watered them daily not giving up hope and found new shoots in the dry stem.

My daily walks to the beach and the time I spent with nature around me made me realize a lot of facts. I used to listen to the birds, the different kinds of sounds they made, understanding that everything in nature too had a soul. A tree that stands tall and strong were magnificent and had stories of its life too. I started feeling that I needed to step out of my head, my emotions and the heartaches to live with nature around me. In my mind all those I loved was permanent for me, knowing that nothing or none may stay permanently with me and I just had only me for myself. I learned to enjoy the now and cherish those moments, even when hurts inside me tore me apart; wishing only happiness and love for all.

Nature has been my best teacher, even when I learned a lot of lessons the hard way. Trees taught me simplicity in a beautiful life; a lesson learned as a child. Each day I cherished the magnitude of little things in life and felt grateful for them. From a tree I learned to hold my own life, while everyday is ever changing, the sunrises and sunsets are never the same, I thought why I was hurt with the change in all around me. With a deep sigh I realized each day that just as I grew to love nature, I also valued each bond that I held close to my heart sensing the simple beauty in them.

Love for cancer.

“All cancers are alike but they are alike in a unique way.”

― Siddhartha Mukherjee

A truth that can never be denied.  It is called the 'Emperor of Maladies,' and rightly so. You never know where it will attack and how. It is different for each individual, so also the pains. All those have gone through the journey with the creeping crab will have a different story to narrate of pain, perseverance, resilience and victories. Every one respond differently to cancer, its pains and the treatments. 

The creeping crab once it attacks, it makes you realize the beauty of life and the joy of living every moment. It inspires you to find a meaning in your life and the magical moments, like a butterfly. You start understanding the soul of every tree, flower, falling leaves and everything around you. Every moment of life is etched in your heart and soul. 

Though the pain it gives is endless like the vast sky and the ocean, it makes you value every microsecond of your life. Is it the same for all who were attacked by this loving monster? The answer is a big 'NO' as the effects and aftereffects depends on the body of each individual and how you fight it out. Some just give in to the monster knowing that it is an endless fight for life. 

It is an awareness  which it makes you wake up to, that beauty is not physical, but the inner power and strength you have radiating a positive glow on your face. In this whole process it is an understanding that takes you forward. Any kind of stress can trigger it again.  When you go through the trauma of bilateral triple negative cancer and its long term after effects, you fall in love with the pain it gives you daily because that makes you realize you are alive and still capable of feeling it. They say there is no magic pill for the long term after effects of cancer treatment except exercise and good nutritional food to keep up the quality of life. Then as they say, 'It is all in the mind how you deal with it'. It is a daily fight and that keeps you going with a smile, joy in the heart and a bounce in your step. 

Cancer invades uninvited and unwanted,

An intruder in my body,

Waiting to claim me,

A complete stranger though,

Weaves a web of intricate pain. 

Like tsunami my chemo,

Unleashes its power, 

In each of its cycles,

Leaving me in a hazy maze,

Of its long after-effects.

I enter the battlefield in fury,

The scans and labs a learning step,

To score a goal against the monster,

Finding the essence of my life,

In my inner sanctum. 

The power of a smile can make you powerless.

There is immense power in a smile.  Each one has a unique smile.  A smile is   a  dazzling way of showing your happiness, love, friendliness, appreciation and kindness. Some have a smile that lights up the eyes with a mischief while some they minute they smile their eyes crinckle.  It is always contagious. It is the best response to any situation of life. It is also a smile that grounds many people. A smile can change one person’s mood.The anger melts seeing a  smile from a loved one or a stranger.   No one needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give.Well, there are many things in a smile. It might only be a short word but it means a lot if we remove the letter ‘S’ from the spelling of smile and it becomes a mile.  Sometimes the best part of smiling  is the reaction. When they smile back, it brings you some sort of happiness and comfort. Their reaction is what reminds you that the world is indeed, still full of kind people, still full of hope.

You can avoid a lot of problems by just giving a smile as an answer. It is not confusing and it can avoid a lot of misunderstanding and problems in life. The smile is a universal sign of happiness. It is believed to be the ultimate connection between all humankind. No matter how big or small, if a smile is genuine it creates an ineffable feeling in the atmosphere. There is a power in  a smile to make the saddest of circumstances a little better. A smile  transcends all barriers between individuals and to create special moments in life. Smiling happens without much thought. Smiling happens without much thought. One smile can make all the difference.  One smile has the power to release stress, calm you down, make you attractive, make someone else happy and believe it or not, smiling can actually cause happiness. Smile at the challenges life throws at you.

Smile and the world smiles with you. How true it is. None are interested to listen to your fights or sorrows, and why would you expect it too? Many can fake a smile. It turns out that smiling might be the best thing to do when you're ready to shift into a brighter mood.A smile helps you feel happier  and being happier helps you keep the smile going in a genuine way. Your fake smile is now a real one!  The smile is is the “the symbol that was rated with the highest positive emotional content” concludes scientist Andrew Newberg.

I think it is time to turn that frown upside down? Now say "cheese!" :-)