The love song of the soul, Pain.

Everytime I am in  pain I can choose my attitude towards it.There have been times I  felt betrayed by my body, leaving me frustrated and bitter. But in reality it is me who is betraying my body by not heeding to its warning signals. 

“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” ~Bernice Johnson Reagon

I have been blessed with the time, energy, family and friends who can gently and lovingly support me on a path to wholeness. And I am grateful for the pain, because it calls me home. It reminds me that I have work to finish. Actually pain is a love song from my soul. It’s not punishment, but rather a gift  to show me the way back to my life.

 I  embrace pain, making it burn  as fuel for my journey,  learning to live with it though it can be crippling at times.  I prefer walking bravely through pain’s cleansing fire, although it does scare me at times  burning  so brightly that I  walk in knowing it will hurt me a lot. But I know I  will come out on the other side stronger and more complete. There is a beauty in pain that  even happiness cannot touch, because I risked  letting  myself feel it. Pain is what  brings me back to myself .

Pain is a part of my experience, not something I  run away from, to escape. Pain will find me somehow, and to go through its cleansing fire is one of the truest things that can happen to value  life. There is gift in pain, because it makes me find a meaning for life.Ultimately the pain is a fact  of endurance of a truth of my being.....wading through life with a  body of complicated pains.

Solitary Raindrop

I always wonder what it would be like to be a raindrop. I love to get drenched in the rain.......splash puddles and watch the raindrops.  The daily events in nature are  incredible. When you give a closer look at a raindrop falling off a leaf after a rain -- may not seem very interesting to many. But  it happens so quickly and it's actually a precarious situation between water, the leaf and the air. 

A raindrop is tiniest of all tranquil things in nature. When a raindrop falls on me; it gives a strange sensation. It seems to sink into my skin, quenching the thirst of the parched soul,  a symbol of hope and optimism, and as more drops start falling from the sky, the sensation of the first drop remains  in my memory. I feel there  is no better form of rejuvenation compared to one that comes from nature. From all perspectives, raindrops just dance and fall down to make a puddle. Have you ever taken a walk through the rain and watched a puddle? The raindrops seem to touch down at just the right pace, causing a dance of vanishing ripples.

It's a tiny mirror that reflects everything around, unmasked and clear.  Though it lasts just a few moments, its memory lasts forever. 

The sky, my solace.

I always seek my answers in the vast expanse of the sky. It is an umbrella to all that is called life.  There is nothing more inspiring than simply staring out into the sky and watching the clouds drift by making different formations.  Sometimes the sky is cloudy, yet between  the clouds that promise rain,  there is a speck of blue. 

At times the sky is  like a child that  begins to draw on it with a special pencil and then erases it in a way that smudges it   spreading grey in a blue sky. The vast expanse of the sky can be blue and bright on one side, grey with clouds about to burst open on another side and with white fluffy clouds too depicting all the facets of life. The sky is always a constant changing canvas, an endless canvas where colors get tossed upon. Some days  a pure, uninterrupted blue  stretches seamlessly across the field of vision, giving solace to the heart, soul and mind. 

As the sun rises or sets, it is like a  painting, where bright pinks, blues, yellows and oranges pile on top of each other, reflecting on low hanging clouds and fills the world with a haze of wonder. But when it storms, the harsh glow of lightning illuminates the piles of dull grey clouds.   The sky is alive, growing at each passing moment..
It never fails to amaze me and give answers to my questions.

Inspiration in a sunset.

There is nothing that  would surpass the inspiration in experiencing a sunset. Many feel depressed seeing a sunset, but I always ask myself how a sunset can be depressing? Though it is a time the sun leaves the sky painting it with spectacular colors, bading goodbye to the day; it is also a promise that it will rise again the next day. Most sunsets are spectacular and vibrant colour palettes  painted across Mother Nature’s canvas. The sky turns into many different shades as the sun sinks behind the horizon and I  find that sunset is a time of inspiration. 

I feel that sunset doesn’t symbolise the end of life, but if you observe carefully, it offers answers to many of life’s questions itself. One of my little Joy's is to find time to watch a breathtaking sunset. There are so many different styles, colors and inspiration that I find at that simple moment. Sitting still to watch the sky change colors and the curtain of twilight fall,  is  one of the most relaxing times. 

  Unique are the sunrises and sunsets that open and close each day, giving another opportunity to use the moments in-between every day.  When the clock is up, the sun fades into the background to be replaced by the moon which shines brightly to reminding of the inner spark and  light. When I look out  the sunset is my reminder that  indeed everything is fine. As the disappears, so do my problems of the day — as it reappears at the horizon — it’s a new day. 

Sai Balaji Cancer Clinic Women's group.

SBCC Women's group is a group with a difference, where cancer is not discussed but one that takes away the stress of life. These meetings help us  cope with the emotional aspects  providing a safe place to share  feelings and challenges by discussing a lot of topics allowing  us to learn in the process. We meet the fourth Saturday of every month. Unlike other cancer support groups, cancer is not discussed. We have learning, fun and frolic. Every month it is different and unique in some aspects. 

This meeting started off with a guided relaxation and meditation for the members. Then we had the birthday celebrations followed by a cake cutting. All of us revisited our childhood enjoying every minute of it. Dr. Kalarani discussed on the vast topic 'controlling'. Everyone stated their own views on the topic and then a discussion ensued on it......with a small lesson for each to practice on a day to day basis. 

Annie's precious gift.

Annie sat below a blossoming tree with tiny flowers that though looked inconspicuous to the onlookers, spread a fragrance and beauty that made everything else insignificant. Annie’s thoughts wandered to Richie, a student in her teaching career. She recalled, he had a cherubic face and his eyes lit up every time he was up to some mischief. She had taught him for four years, right from his kindergarten days. She was happy that she had made a change in his life however insignificant it may have been at that point of time. She mused that the journey to the heart could begin anywhere for her it had began at the bottom of a hill with rain falling and ushering in an anticipation of real experience in the mist clad hills. She was surprised that there were things that could still stir up feelings and emotions in her otherwise numb heart.

Annie loved everything about the hills- the clouds that touched the top of the hills; the mist that added an aura of mystery to its surroundings; the breeze that blew to caress and even the valleys. These myriad landscape and her experiences always enchanted her. The charming hill station filled with expansive plantations, the unending spice gardens and a panoramic view of the mist clad hills that she saw on her way to the school where she worked gave her immense joy. The majestic beauty of the lake, the canopy of the forest as she ascended the hills everyday provided not just a lot to see and observe but it also brought to her a sense of adventure.

Encircled by a string of hills, the school where she worked as a teacher was a place of inexplicable beauty dispersed with a combination of meadows full of flowers and a lot of natural beauty to appreciate. The winding hairpin bends offered a picturesque view with a beautiful array of wild flowers and exotic butterflies, a sight to offer solace to the soul.

Annie loved the solitude life gifted her in spite of the loved ones around her. The rollercoaster ride of life never bothered her. She found comfort in her school, the children she taught and the nature around her.

Now Annie's thoughts went back to those two years she had been Richie's class teacher. It was the first day of the new academic year and she was eager to get acquainted with her students. She had the typed list of the fifty odd students of her class. She was happy to note that Richie was in her class. After the assembly and the usual welcoming, Annie entered the class along with her students. She was shocked to see Richie's face. The lively eyes that he once had now appeared to be dead.

Richie, who used to talk continuously in her class and disturb other students, had become very quiet. Annie could not accept the fact that a summer vacation could change a child to this extent. She collected the books from the students and kept them in the shelves. Earlier Richie had always wanted to seat in the front row but that day he was seated in the last row, aloof from all. Annie was very disturbed to see Richie like that. As days went by it pained her to see him in such a state; her heart went out to him. She knew she had to get him to talk. Even his notebooks were incomplete unlike before. Annie knew his driver came at 5 pm daily to pick him up, so she started detaining him in class to get him complete his notes.

Annie noticed sadly that the once talkative Richie had become silent; whether he had muted himself or was muted due to circumstances was what she had to find out for herself. She thought of that version of Richie who used to top in all the subjects and the present Richie with red marks all over his books and failing scores in his class tests. She decided to have a talk. After a few days she called him near her and inquired what had happened to him. She drew him close and ruffled his hair with affection and care. Richie simply broke down, crying. Annie was at her wits’ end not knowing what to do, but she allowed him to cry knowing well that he had always been a rebel.

Richie narrated to her everything that was happening at home, including the fights between his parents, how they shouted at each other and how they slapped each other out of anger. He sobbed continuously, telling her that he wanted to run away from home. His parents had no time for him. He had none to talk to or to take care of him. The loneliness that life gifted him tore him apart. Annie spoke to Richie for a long time, explaining to him why it was important for him to study well and score good grades. She made him understand that he should copy down his notes and learn his day to day lessons if he wanted to become a topper again. She hugged him and planted a kiss on his forehead. Annie always believed that a school was like a second home for a child. She also called for his parents and spoke to them.

Months went by and she found that Richie was slowly getting back to his former self. Whenever he saw Annie there was a sparkle in his eyes. He started scoring well in his studies but still wasn't the topper he used to be. Annie was happy with his progress and made him promise that he wouldn't go back to his loneliness. He was very excited as the academic year came to an end because he was to stay with his grandparents during his vacation.

When the school reopened for the next academic year both Richie and Annie were happy to be in the same class again. She noticed that he was his cheerful self and the mischief in his eyes that lit up when he saw her was back. He was also mingling with the other students and playing pranks with them. At the end of the day, he went to her and just hugged her. He said he had spent a joyful time with his grandparents but he was still sad with the problems at home. Annie consoled him saying that it would straighten out with time. The happiest aspect of her teaching career was that he again topped in all his subjects and that year he got the best overall student award as he did well in all extra-curricular activities too. Richie had once told his wish to join an army school and requested her to speak to his parents. Though she felt he was too young to be left in a hostel, she knew that it was the best for him.

On the closing day, Annie spoke to his parents about his wish. Gradually she came to know that he was to take the entrance exam for admission to an army school. She wished Richie good luck when he hugged her before leaving with his parents. The last she saw of him was when he came to collect his report card and transfer certificate. She was very sad to know that his parents too would be leaving the place due to a job transfer. Though she never saw Richie after that, he had made a lasting impression in her heart. She was always helping the rebels in her class but none were close to her like Richie was. She wondered how and where Richie was currently. The flow of her thoughts was interrupted when she heard the school bell.

Years went by and Annie retired from school. She spent her time in solitude with nature. Nature was always her companion and healer. Time had brought lot of students to her whom she had helped in every way she could. She was always happy with the fact that she had been able to lay a good foundation for the future of many students who came into her life. It was a sense of satisfaction that enveloped her.

One day Annie was in the market buying groceries. She bought everything she had wanted and was walking back home. A military jeep screeched to a halt near her that made her jump. A handsome officer alighted from the vehicle and stood before her asking whether she remembered him. She could never forget that face and she was very happy to find that Richie remembered her after so many years. Richie offered to drop her home but before that she wanted to have a cup of coffee with him. He took her to the nearby Coffee Cafe, narrating to her on the way of his army school days and how he topped throughout until the time he passed out of the National Defence Academy.

Richie told her about his life and how he saw Annie’s reflection in all the teachers who taught him. He added that it helped him to do well in his studies and life. Annie was tongue tied and listened in awe to his journey of life. She felt her eyes moisten at the thought that he still remembered her and the fact that she was still close to his heart. Annie felt that it was the best gift a student could give a teacher and to know that she had inspired him throughout his academic life meant a lot to her. He told her that he was a Major in the army and stationed in the same place where he had started his life as a toddler.

Richie accompanied Annie to her home thanking her and promising to meet again soon. What better gift could a teacher get than the fact that she had inspired a child and that he held her in his heart forever! The only gift a student can offer a teacher is that of remembrance and that of holding him/her in high esteem with love and care. Annie felt the joy of having received the most precious gift of her life in the form of Richie’s achievements.

                        *********

The beauty of thorn.

I have always loved thorns and been fascinated by them. I can't really explain why I love them; could be because I have tread a thorny path always and then enjoyed the roses. All of us have defense mechanism to help ourselves......so are the thorns for flowers. We fail to see the beauty in the thorns. They aren't pretty and often painful at touch....but they have a rare beauty in them.....far away from perfection and always attached to plants and flowers. There are thorns attached to everything in life......truth is that we avoid them. 

"Roses and thorns are parts of the same plant. Somehow though, some people are concerned mainly about the roses. The rose is not on the plant for more than a week, but the thorns are there forever.
Roses are teaching that the beauty of life will bloom, once you have taught yourself the lessons given by living with the thorns."

Grigoris Deoudis

Be it a frozen thorn or a bare thorn........it has its own beauty.....a frozen thorn is protected at least for a while....but a bare thorn is a vulnerable beauty. The frozen thorn has to break free.....break free of its shackles and liberate itself......to be free and itself. In life too many choices are like that.....you can be bogged down or break free and let go. Isn't it an anchor for life? 

The nightmare

Deep down a veil of black clouds and an endless sea of silence Reena felt herself falling down a bottomless pit. What was it that was happening to her? Why was she falling? Her thoughts were in tumult as she kept tumbling endlessly.  All of a sudden everything went black and she couldn't fathom the what’s or the why’s of her current situation. After a few minutes she landed with a thud. She had no idea of her whereabouts. Slowly she got up, feeling dazed. An eerie feeling engulfed her. A few streaks of light dimly illuminated her surrounding and what she saw in that wispy light froze her blood. 

Reena abruptly woke up in cold sweat, still shaking with the after effect of her nightmare. Why was this dream still haunting her even years after it had actually happened? She got up and walked to the fridge and gulped down a bottle of cold water. She sat down at the table shaking and with a palpitating heart that refused to calm down. Her forehead was swathed in sweat and she gently wiped them, her thoughts going back to her college days when she was living in the hostel. Those were carefree days of her initial college life.

Staying away from home in a hostel for the first time in life, it was a different kind of experience for Reena. A life understood only by those who have experienced it and had a whole lot of fun, a bag of mixed experiences that took one from one’s comfort zone and exposing oneself to the realities of life. It was enriching in so many ways. The hostel and college being new, there were no qualms of ragging. It was situated amidst mountains and scenic landscape, with the only drawback being a graveyard in the front, though that didn't mar the enthusiasm for many. There was a vineyard too close by that the boarders visited the warden as their chaperon.

Hostel life has its own charms; entering a new world with total strangers who undergo the same dilemmas as you makes it a memorable experience. I believe that true knowledge comes from living in a hostel all the while learning to overcome the fears in life, be it being on your own or meeting all kinds of people adjusting with them and bringing out the real you. Reena reflected upon the strangest and scariest experience of her hostel life. She felt a shiver course down her spine. Her thoughts took her back to that night when she had witnessed the most insensitive and scariest sight of her life. 

She had been sick that day and after sleeping for a while she woke up to drink water but couldn't go back to her sleep, try as she might. She wondered what the time was and not wanting to disturb her room mates, went to the window. She was drawn in by the moonbeams that fell on her face. What she saw in the graveyard froze her blood and Reena felt as if she was being whipped with umpteen lashes while worms crawled all over her skin. That evening a lady had been buried in the graveyard. She had seen a corpse for the first time in her life. The body was placed in a bamboo chair and decked with flowers. The deceased was a beautiful lady who looked nothing less than a goddess even in death. 

She was ritualistically buried by her relatives who later left with heavy hearts. Usually the graveyard was deserted. Now under the moonlight Reena saw some men digging the grave and take out the corpse. What followed after that made her hate men in general and especially those perverted animals that didn't even spare the corpse of a woman. She felt like puking her guts out. The retching sound had woken up her friends and at the sight of the graveyard they screamed. How could a man be such an animal! Even animals don't do that. The diggers raped the corpse one by one. Reena thought perhaps the poor woman’s soul had cried out at her cruel fate. 

Reena was very upset. She had always been the one who questioned the plight of women. She kept away from men in general after that scary night. She always kept a safe distance from them because the sight of a man brought back that memory to her mind. The sight had tormented her for months; she would get up in the middle of the night breaking in cold sweat. It haunted her even now.

Reena made herself a piping hot coffee. She sat sipping it with her favourite music on till she was sleepy again and went back to her bed hoping she would never ever see that horrifying dream again. 

A solitary boat.

In a sea of silence
I row a solitary boat into the ocean 
beautiful yet terrifying,
 it's depth so mysterious, yet predictable.

I set my sails to an unknown land 
in an empty boat 
anguish sets it afloat 
letting the wind steer me out to drift far, 
far away from the depth of sunken emotions.