A Lesson Learned

I happened to read a story of an eight year old, little girl, who turned out to be 'A little Angel', to sacrifice her lovely hair for the sake of her leukemia friend, who feared unintentional but cruel teasing from friends. To support her friend she shaved her hair. From the time I read this, it has put me to think. It is an eye opener and an awakening call for many of us.

  We adults only think of our hurts, ego and pride. How many of us would think like this little angel when we deal with our friends. We just want to do away with out hurt with an out pour of words, without even thinking  about the outcome of those words on the other person. However sick that person is, we don't bother about it.

As a cancer patient, I understand this, as I know about the trauma I have been through. However strong willed  and positive a person is, during the treatment, the trauma suffered makes them vulnerable both physically and psychologically. That is why doctors tell their family and friends to see that they are happy. A cancer patient is still at a risk, even after the treatment is over. And if someone has added health problems, the after effect also becomes painful to endure.

     One has to walk in their shoes to know the trauma they have gone through. We adults never bother about all these, once the patient is up and going around with their daily life. It could be because they don't want to be treated like a sick person. But the mental agony is always there, though they overcome it and never want to give up. When you are with such people, we should think of their welfare too.

        The moral support of family and friends count a lot for the well being of these people. Not that they need to be fussed and pampered upon. Just a wee bit of understanding can do wonders to boost the morale of a cancer patient.  It is a time when they are emotionally down too, if faced with hostility.The happiest of  people are not those who live on their own terms, but those who change themselves for the people they love.



Cancer taught me a lot of things in one year. I have learned that I am happy to just love and be loved by family and friends. I know I am unique, amazing and beautiful just the way I am now.

IN THE FACE OF DEATH.

"Let life be like music. 
And death a note unsaid.” 
― Langston hughes

When confronted with the reality of death and loss, we are forced to struggle with basic questions of meaning in  life. This struggle makes you question past, present and future values and relationships that you have.The truth of life is that when it ends, death engulfs you, nothing remains and you go away to the unknown. It is an inevitable fact of life.   

My first experience of death was my father's.  I didn't see him dying. He was a lucky man to have died peacefully in his sleep of a cardiac arrest. I was only told that grandfather was not well and I came to know the truth only when I reached home. He had bade us goodbye without a word, leaving all of us in a state of shock.  He looked so peaceful in his eternal sleep. It was the first  blow of life.

 The second blow fate gave,  was when my brother met with an accident and my cousin informed me he was in the hospital. I never knew the seriousness of the situation till I reached the hospital and saw him being taken to the ICU after a brain surgery. It was an accident, when something in the scooter snapped and he was thrown off the scooter to a height. A passenger in the passing bus felt it was someone he knew, stopped the bus and went to help my brother. His ears were bleeding, which was not a good sign. The person who came to help like a God sent Angel, couldn't get any conveyance to take him to the hospital till a goods carrier auto agreed to take him to the hospital. He was conscious till then, on his way to the hospital, he gave the number of his office and asked the person to inform and then lost his consciousness. When I saw him being taken to the ICU I sent for my mother and sons and also informed my brother and sisters. My mother was always near the ICU, getting a glimpse of her son who lived only for her. But the following night the doctors put a bombshell,  that they would do another brain surgery and  he would live but remain a vegetable for life. Our task was putting this across to mom. She told us that she didn't want to see him as a vegetable for life, a tough decision for a mother. So we told the doctors and he was left as he was in the ICU. The following day early morning, he passed away. When my mother knew, she only told me this, "I don't want to stay in this hospital where my son is no more alive. Take me home". My elder sister stayed back. My younger sister was yet to reach from the Gulf. My hubby, my eldest sister and hubby too reached in the morning. The biggest blow was for my mother, to lose her son.

     The third blow was my eldest sister's death to cancer. I was with her in the  journey through cancer. She was a person who never complained. But when I think of all her  treatment, somehow I now get a feeling she was just letting herself to be treated without a will to fight it out. May be due to the lamenting she always heard around her or she didn't want to go through with it.  It was in 1994, the cancer spread to her lungs and she had to undergo strong chemotherapy. After each Chemo it was like an exam for my nephew and me, waiting for her hemoglobin  count results. I don’t think we waited with so much anxiety even for out academic results. But in January 1995, her condition became worse. All relatives were around. We all stayed in the same place as our motive was just to be with her.

        After a few days hospitalization, the doctors felt there was no hope. She only wanted to come home. So she was brought to my house and all were around her. Her breathing used to be very heavy. She was happy to be home. One evening, she became worse. An ambulance was called for, but  before the ambulance could come she breathed her last right in front of our eyes. Her eyes and tongue just popped out and I told my nephew to keep calling her. My sister and myself started thumping on  her chest.  For a second her eyes became okay and then it closed and the tongue also went in. She had a peaceful look on her face. Today, when I think of it, I sometimes wonder how I got the strength to do what I did.

  That was the first time it hit me very badly thinking “Today you are here. Don’t know what the next minute would bring us”. It took a long time for me to come out of it. 
Today I feel that the ultimate truth is: “Life is a question, nobody can answer and Death is an answer, nobody can question it”.

HUMOR IN PAIN

The one reading this may think I was in the cricket field. But this was told to me by my surgeon in the operation theater.

     Yesterday, I had a review with my surgeon. When I went to him, he asked me to go to the operation theater and then called someone and gave them instructions. My friend was with me,I went into the theater and I was asked to lie down . They removed the dressing in one  pull, the nurse was telling me to endure the pain. The Assistant surgeon walked in and had a look at the area where the surgery was done, and told me that there was fluid collection. He asked for a needle and syringe and then told me he was going to take out the fluid. He used some medical term for it, which I really can't remember now.

    The nurse was pressing from one side and I was really wincing in  pain. With out my knowing it, tears were flowing, due to the pain. He took out one syringe after another of a reddish fluid. When my mastectomy was done, I had a friend, a tube with a collection bag for ten days. But the lumpectomy it was not there as it was a small lump, the surgeon told me so. He then continued his work and then after sometime, He said"You have hit a century". What he meant was that he had taken out 100 ml  of the fluid. Hearing what the doctor said, I just laughed. Then the nurse and surgeon pressed the sides and then said there was no more fluid. The pain too subsided. It was such a relief to get rid of the pain.  But my relief was short lived. By night the pain was back.

   I just thought to myself, hope the pain is not for another century.

YET ANOTHER SURGERY.


It sounded so realistic to hear that I was ready to go under the knife. I was smiling, when my surgeon had asked me that question.
 
       On Wednesday, the 17th, I  packed my things with the enthusiasm of going on a vacation. I felt I was  again on a journey to defeat the invader that had gained entry into my body.  After the initial formalities, I was admitted to the same room I was,  during my previous surgery., Room no.27. The nurse came and put an IV set and gave me an injection. The duty doctor came and check my BP and pulse: and went away. My family doctor came and  just jokingly told "Look at this patient, sitting and smiling."

   At 2.45 pm, the theater nurses, came and whisked me away to the operation theater.  They changed me into a brand new robe and asked me to lie down on the table. They covered me with a sheet and attached the BP apparatus to me right hand. The Anesthetist started a medicine through my IV and fixed the oxygen mask on my face. The surgeon came and smiled at me. The Anesthetist told me she was going to give me an injection and I remember her injecting, and then I was blank.

       I had no idea what was happening. Later on I could hear voices  as if was coming from a distant place. I felt  I was wandering away and the voices were getting distant. For a second I was wondering what was happening to me and the next second I could hear the doctor calling out my name. I was trying to open my eyes but was not able to do so. Then I remember vomiting and the nurse wiping it. I opened my eyes and smiled at the doctors. I could hear the surgeon saying that the surgery was over.

                                          The first step of my battle was over, removing the home of the invader. The lump was sent for biopsy and then the wait for the result. The surgeon came and told me about the pain and that the lump was bigger than they expected.  The cardiologist came and checked me and said I was okay. I learned that I had to be strong in all circumstances. It doesn't bother me, that I may have to undergo chemotherapy, I have started my journey to fight it out and that is what mattered to me. Physically I know I have to go through it alone, but I know that there are a lot of people with me; my family and friends.

        I would like to thank all those who have been praying for me, and prayed for me; all those who were present with me to help me through all this.

Another New Experience Of My Life.


 The word "Pet", always reminds us of a pet animal at home. First time I heard of a Pet scan.  I went to my Oncologist because my ESR was high. He went through the blood results and found that my tumor marker result was on a gradual rise, last three months. So he told me that it is better to do a PET CT Scan. He just told me that it shows any significant tumors in my body and to call the scan people and take an appointment. He told me it may take four to five hours. I came back home and checked with Bharat scans, and they told me to go on Thursday with an empty stomach by 8 am.

On Thursday, got up early and my hubby took me to the scan center.  We were asked to go to the basement and we met the concerned person. We had to wait, and then he called a nurse to check my weight. Then I was given a dress to wear, which looked liked a uniform.  I was asked to sit in a room, where the nurse came and fixed an IV set on my hand. With all the chemo and the blood tests, getting a vein was not an easy task for them. She injected something into my vein, which was really cooling to the veins. Then they checked my height and then took my blood sugar. After that I was taken to the scan room for a scan. The person who takes the scan gave me instructions and went off and in 5 minutes it was over. I was asked to wait saying a doctor will come to check. We were called in by the doctor, who asked me my medical history. We waited outside. Someone came and told me about the whole procedure and that it would take four to five hours. I could see many of them with the same kind of uniform, all waiting for the scan.

  The PET CT scan is Positron Emission Tomography ( Computed Tomography). I do not know what it means. But today that is the latest in detecting cancerous lumps in your body. I was  inside where they gave medication. Others were not allowed to come in. I was asked to sit and a lady in charge came and gave me a big glass mug (Beer mug) full of medicated water and with a smile told me that I had to drink 7 of that. There were four other sitting there. I had the first one and kept my mug down, she came and poured the next one and asked me to keep a track of the numbers of mugs I was drinking. For a moment, I went back to a class room where we are seated in line.  All new experiences and the rapport the others had was really amazing.  The technician who took my scan came and injected into my vein some radio active elements.  I sat in the same place for almost four hours, which was like a punishment, as we were not allowed to talk or read, just sit there and drink the medicated water. All this while my hubby was waiting outside, it was really a test of his patience. I finished my sixth mug and the lady came and told me the next will be given just before going in for the scan.

  I was asked to go to the bathroom and come; then I was given my seventh mug of medicated water. After drinking that, I was taken to the scan room. Unlike the MRI, there were no sounds. I was instructed to lie down with my hand above my head. I was also told not to move. They told me the scan would take 20 to 30 minutes. Then he told me  that I would be injected with a medicine which would be painful and hot.  He requested me to bear it. The scan started and I was moved to and fro through a round machine which was open on both sides. After some time, he injected the medicine which was really painful and I could feel a burning sensation from head to toe. Again I was moved to and fro for sometime. Later I was instructed to keep my hand on my tummy. I was moved to and fro and then they came and told me that the scan was over. I was so relieved I could move my hand and legs. My left hand fingers had become numb and cold due to the IV set.

        We were instructed to wait for sometime as they had to check if they got all the slides properly. After sometime, he removed the IV set and told me to have something hot, either coffee or tea. He had a few instructions like, having plenty of water, not to go near kids less than five and near pregnant ladies. To use different toilet or flush with lot of water as the radio active elements would get flushed out of my system through my urine.  By then I was really feeling hungry and tired. My hubby too was starving like me.

   Now was the time of waiting, for the result. On Friday my hubby collected the result and we went to the oncologist. He read everything and inspected all the images.  A look at his face told me something was wrong. But I was prepared for anything. I was advised to see the surgeon the following day. We went to the surgeon, he went through all the reports and told me, there were two options, one to go for radiation or remove the lump. The lump was on the line of sutures of the mastectomy. The surgeon opted for removing the lump and sending it for biopsy to see the grade of cancer. I was told to take fitness from my cardiologist and then he would decide on the date.

   I didn't curse God. Nor was I sad. If God gave it to me, he had also seen that we have the means to go through the treatment. Had it been, even three years back, we wouldn't have had the means to undergo the treatment. I am happy for the little blessing given to me.   I have been given the strength to go through it and I have the support of my family, friends and also the doctors who treat me.

Today my aim is to live a life, where I can inspire others with my strength. Be a candle to light up someone's life. To be a loving, caring and sharing person.  I write about all my experiences to inspire others to be brave and face whatever comes in life with a smiling face. I know I have a lot of friends praying for me and at this time, that is enough for me to know I have a lot of friends who genuinely love me and care for me.  I have to thank my doctors, family and friends for all the support. 

Life with Cancer

As the saying goes"When the going gets tough, the tough gets going". Life after the cancer treatment has not been an easy one both physically and psychologically. But If there is a will to survive, then your battle is won. It is what every patient craves for, to know that they have clinically defeated their cancer and believe that it is behind them and incapable of making another assault. They like to feel healthy, happy and  unburdened once more. To be positive that  there will always be a will to never give up on life.

        My Chemotherapy and  radiations were over by first week of November, 2011. Due to chemo and radiations my Hemoglobin level came down to 7. I was asked to go in for blood transfusion. Both  of us were paranoid with the word blood transfusion. My hubby and kids were B+ and I did not have any known people with O+ blood. So we decided not to go in for it. I was determined to increase it with my food intake. When I went for my check up to my oncologist, I was happy to note that it had increased to 8. My Oncologist  examined me and jotted down something in his prescription. He just told me to give my blood for testing and added that if there is something alarming, he would call me.

 I completely forgot about it as he had not called me. Meanwhile I went for a review with my surgeon. He checked the stitches and   asked me for my oncologist's prescription. He went through that and told me that there was a nodule growing  at  one end of the line of stitches. He called up the pathologist and took an appointment for me and sent me to the lab reminding me to see him the next day. I went to the pathologist, but the operated area was numb and I didn't feel any pain when she did the needle biopsy. She told me that she felt that it was nothing to worry.

      The next day I went to the surgeon, he again examined me and then called the pathologist. She said it was not malignant. He sent me off asking me to come after a month. I went and met my oncologist too. My check ups with him was monthly. The next month when I went for check up, he found a lump in my left breast. He felt it was better to take a mammogram. Next day I went for the mammogram and I got the result.  

Meanwhile I went for my review with the surgeon and I showed him the mammogram. He told me to go for a MRI scan of my left breast. We went to the scan center and waited. My turn came after an hour. I went inside and put on their long robe, the nurse fixed an IV in my vein and asked me to wait. Then I was called in. When I went in they asked me to lie down on my stomach and leave my breast inside a cup kind of thing. The nurse put cotton in my ears, saying that was for not hearing the different kind of sounds. Then she pushed me into a dome kind of thing, with only my head out. They started the scanning; in spite of the cotton the sounds were so loud and deafening. Lying down there, I heard so many types of sounds, which I have never heard before. I laughed to myself, thinking this too may be a type of music. When it got over I was so relieved and the sounds were still ringing in my ears. They asked us to go the next day for the report.

The next day we collected the report and went to the surgeon. He went through the scan and report; and told that I would have to undergo an ultra sound guided needle biopsy, as the lump was little deep inside the breast. My hubby was a little worried. But I was prepared for anything. The next day I went for the needle biopsy, the pathologist did it guided by the ultrasound. We waited there for the report and it said that it was a benign lump. I took it to the surgeon and he told me that there was nothing to worry. I asked him to remove the breast, but he said until a malignancy was found it cannot be removed. I went to my oncologist; he told me that we would keep a watch over the lump to see if it was growing. 

        The chemotherapy aggravated many other problems that I already had.  The piles problem which never gave me any problem as long as I was careful with my diet, started being erratic. I did not know what triggered the bleeding of my piles. My oncologist advised me to see what caused it and stop eating those things.  Life sometimes bring you to such a state, that you don't know what to do. Then I started experimenting with my diet, a new experience, and started avoiding all that irritated the piles. It was a trial and error method of living. 

     My heart too started playing up. Sometimes it started racing. Sometimes when I went to bed, the palpitation was so bad I could never sleep. Whenever I went to the Cardiologist, he advised me not to be stressed. In spite of my medicines, I used to have palpitation. I thought that too must be due to my chemo medicines. An ultra sound of the abdomen  had shown cyst in my kidney and it was enlarged too. A fatty liver and that too an enlarged one.  Still I feel I am more blessed than many others. 

  I really learnt to live with all my health problems with a smile. It never bothered me that something was always troubling me. I was advised not to exert my right hand too much or carry anything heavy with that hand as the lymph nodes had been removed. I had to follow his advice or the hand would become fatter that the other. I had to do exercise with that hand daily. The area of surgery too pained a lot and the doctor had warned me that it may last for 3 to 4 years.

  Today I have learned to live with the pain.  It has become part and parcel of my life.  I have always been an independent woman, a quality instilled by my hubby from the time we got married. Today I am dependent  on  others as I am not allowed to ride the two wheeler, still I don’t trouble anyone for my shopping or my check ups, except the visit to the oncologist. I go on my own. That way I feel fit and healthy.

   Whatever illness you have, first you need a strong will to fight it out. Only then even the doctor’s prescription will work. When the time comes for you to go, nothing can be done. But that is not in our hands. Till then never ever give up. Face it with a strong will and fight it out.

   

SELF INTROSPECTION

Life sometimes takes you to such a point where you feel that you need a self introspection. Just to contemplate on your life and a self examination. I do believe that it is good for leading a stress less and happy life. It does help in refining yourself, makes you rethink of your actions and be checked by yourself. I have always tried to be a good human being. 

Today when I sit and look back at all the relationships in my life, I feel as a child I was care free. Nothing is there in your mind at that age.  As a kid I made friends easily.  Being an Army Officer's daughter, we always had to make new friends, because of the transfer. But at that age it really didn't matter. Till my schooling got over, it was a new place every three years or sometimes just a year. It was when I was in tenth I really became close to just one friend. Those days 11th and 12th used to be college. So again I went to a new place.

            Those days in Andhra 11th and 12th was known as Intermediate. I was put in the college hostel. All of them were friends. My roommates became my close friends. But after my intermediate,  I was back in my native village as my father had retired by them. The rest of my education was by correspondence. My hostel life and the times spent in my native place, took out the fear in me and I became bold. My first genuine friendship was when I went for type writing classes just for time pass and also an interest to learn something new. I met a girl Sarasa. A real village girl, we became very close and I knew what real friendship is  from her. Even after our classes got over, we used to visit each other’s house and spend time. She was in love with her cousin, (Muracherukkan). She used to talk for hours together about him. 

In 1980, once she came running to my house wanting to talk to me. The boy's parents felt her parents were not rich enough and wanted to look out for a girl. The boy was on leave and he was not allowed to go out of the house, a kind of house arrest. She was frantic to get in touch with him. Her parents didn't know what to do. Then one fine day, I heard that she was in the hospital as she consumed rat poison. I went to the hospital to see her. But, she did not allow the doctors to remove the poison, she bit off the tube that was inserted and she died. She was the first real friend I had. She still lives in my memory.

 After my wedding, the frank and open person that I was, learnt that to keep up any relationship, you need tact. We may have lot of relationships, but learnt that the most important thing was to maintain life in any relationship. I have had close friends when I was working as a teacher. Many have insulted my friendship for their own self interest. But there also I had two friends who made me understand that I was being used. They are still there for me. In the bond we had, there were no promises, no conditions; we never took each other for granted. Even though we never spoke to each other always, we were always very close at heart. They had other friends too, that was the freedom and space we gave each other.

Then, after my quitting teaching job, I got hooked into the internet games and Face book. I made a lot of friends. I still make a lot of friends. I met many of them. With some of them I had a unique bond, where they understood me well and I too understood them well. I joined Face book in 2009. I have made a lot of friends. I do try to keep up the relationship with all the friends I have made. I am not a perfect human being, but I have always tried to put myself in the other person's shoes when I deal with them. I have always tried to meet them too. Many of them have taken pains to come and meet me too. I can never forget those that stood by me in my hour of need, when I was going through cancer treatment.

 But cancer was a real eye opener for me. I realized with a jolt that life is not certain; we don't know how long we would be here. My outlook towards life changed. I wanted to look only of the positive side of life and people. I used to crib about others till then. I realized that it is better not to waste time in petty squabbles, egos, etc. I decided to change for the good. I patched up with those that I had kept a distance, called some of my old colleagues and did what I could to ease my own conscience, so that I never had any regrets.

      But today at the age of 57, I feel I have realized the complexity of relationships. What is true Friendship? Is it the same for each individual? Have I been a good Friend? I felt I needed a self introspection. It has made me sit up and think, have I been a good human being, a good friend, daughter, sister, wife, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, mother and now a new role, a mother-in-law. There had been times I acted stupid due to my ego, but now I am a new person altogether, trying to make up for all that. My metamorphosis started after my cancer and completed after a day in the ICU, to be a good human being that my family will be proud of and where I have no regrets of any kind. In the process of my metamorphosis, if I have hurt anyone, I would like to apologize to all of them.

   It is good to once in a way contemplate on what ever happened in your life and see if your actions really reflect your words and your positive attitude. Now I believe in Aspiring to inspire and be a glowing candle in other's life. I always believed in live and let live.  When a good human being starts being a human, it speaks for itself in their life.

Ashley Lorenzana quotes that “Even if you think you're doing well and have it all figured out, there is a voice you will always inevitably hear at some point which nags at you and says "but wait..." Don't ever dismiss it, listen to what it has to say. Life will never be close enough to perfect, and listening to that voice means stepping outside of you and considering your own wrongdoings and flaws.” 

 

A Day in the ICU

It was a Sunday and we were busy with the wedding preparation of my son. In the evening we were on our way  to Egmore to invite my hubby's friend for the wedding. We got into the car and not even reached half way, suddenly I started getting a dull pain in the center of my head. I usually got that pain, when my BP was high. After sometime I started  sweating profusely and felt uneasy. For sometime I was wondering as to why I started sweating like that. I asked my son to put off the AC and open the car glass, so that I could get some fresh air.

     My hubby and son sensed that something was wrong and told me that we would go to the hospital, but I insisted on going to his friend's house. I was still sweating and by the time we reached his friend's house I started getting a choking sensation in my throat and a pain on one side of my face. I could not even talk to his friend and wife. 

       By then I got worried as it was a new experience for me, and my son's wedding was something all of us were looking forward to. I called my family doctor and told her about my plight. She asked me to go the hospital and get the BP checked and also take an ECG. I started feeling as if something heavy was on my chest.

     We reached the hospital, and the duty doctor checked the BP and found it to be high. My doctor spoke to the duty doctor and asked her to get an ECG taken and they found changes in the ECG. The doctor asked for my previous ECG's. My son brought my medical files bag and they found changes in the ECG which was not seen in my previous ECG's and I landed in the ICU for observation.The question that lingered in everyone's mind was, why ICU when the doctor said that there's nothing alarming. It is still a question mark as to why I experienced such profuse sweating and a constriction in my chest. My friend even questioned the cardiologist.

   Lying down in the ICU I was thinking, of my life, and  to what an extent it was uncertain.Those who see the next morning are so lucky.I started thinking of all the little blessings we fail to count in our life.Cancer had already changed my outlook towards life. But my one day in the ICU was a real introspection of my life.

      I realized we have just one life. How futile it is to spend it in finding fault, back biting and having hatred in our mind. I realized with a pain that, though I was strong in my mind, I was a weakling where my heart was concerned.I decided to find happiness in making others happy. I decided to live with a positive attitude, a clear mind and a loving, caring and sharing heart. I wanted to live a life which had no regrets.

     If something was to happen to me the next day, I did not want to have any regrets. I wanted my family to be proud of me. I had always been a strong and independent person. Only a person whose life had been threatened would understand my feelings and sentiments.

      I believe in guarding angels. They believe in you and they are forever by your side. And  all our tomorrow's are in the seeds that we plant today. Life  is a garden made richer by those who share our path.

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see. John Burroughs

A harrowing experience

When we wake up in the morning, it is a privilege to be alive.  It is very true..This takes me down my memory lane, when I was in the 8^th month of my second pregnancy and my twins were just two and a half years. On a particular afternoon, both refused to eat lunch. So I did not force them. I put them to sleep and was relaxing with a book after my lunch. After some time, I heard the coughing sound of one of them, and I went to the bedroom to see if they were awake, I saw my elder son vomiting. I called for my mother and took him out.  He was having slight temperature too.  He was throwing up continuously; I called for a cab and took him to the child specialist. He examined him and gave him an injection.

      When I reached home, I saw my mother standing at the door with my second son, who had started vomiting by then. I just asked my sister to carry my elder son and again went to the doctor with my second one. Doctor said that it might be an infection in the stomach and gave him also an injection. I came back home and kept both of them on a mat and tried to put them to sleep. But the vomiting continued and I had to take both of them to the doctor again…..He gave them injection for fever and vomiting and then told me that by 8pm it doesn’t stop to inform him. He said he would get them admitted in the hospital.

             Everyone was so tensed. I too was tired as I was pregnant. Around 6pm my brother returned from office and he was very worried to see them in that state. He also added that cholera was doing its round in the town. That was the last straw, till then I was very bold, but tears started flowing down my cheeks. Their temperature was only rising and I kept sponging them. Around 8pm, suddenly both of them started getting convulsions (febrile convulsion) due to high fever. I kept both of them on my lap and caught their hands and legs…They were kicking on my tummy, but at that time I never thought of my pregnancy. I was so scared I did not know what to do.  There were no hospitals in our village close by nor a good doctor to whom I could take them in the emergency.

         I called up the child specialist, he told me to admit them in the hospital, which he had suggested. My mother and myself took  both of them and went to the hospital. The doctor had already called them and given instructions to the duty doctor there.  We got them admitted and the doctor came and started an IV, gave a list of medicines to be bought. They started giving them injections through the IV. Still they continued having convulsions. Later the child specialist also came and examined them, he just told us let us wait and observe.

         Every half an hour, they were given injections. The convulsions started subsiding a little, till 3am it went on. After 3 am they slept. But I just could not sleep. My hubby too was in Bombay, I informed him about everything that happened. He started by bus.  I was still not sure if I will get them alive.  Early morning the doctor came to examine them, they were still asleep. Whole night I was just watching if their heart is beating. Around  8 am they opened their eyes, the doctor was informed, he came and examined them again and said they were out of danger.  I had never given up hopes even when they were continuously having convulsions. The child specialist told me that I should take care that the temperature never went up. He wrote for a few blood test and told us that we could go home in the evening.

            Being premature babies, they always caught infection soon.  Till they were 8 yrs old, I used to run with them almost every month, to the doctor.  Today, they are as healthy as any normal adult.  They do not remember anything. When I sit and think of all what we had gone through, I feel that it has only made me  more strong to face anything in life.

HEALING HEARTS

HEALING HEARTS

“Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.”

This quote takes me down my memory lane, when my son was just one year old. It was then, We noticed my son’s right eye pupil was white in colour. I told the elders at home about it, but they brushed it aside saying it was just my feeling. Later on when cousins started noticing it and asking about it, we got worried, so also everyone at home. It was at that time I went to meet my uncle and his son-in-law happened to be there. I told him about it, he saw my son’s eye and started scolding me for not taking him to an eye specialist till then…I was advised to take him immediately to Dr. Tony Fernandez At Angamaly hospital.

We got an appointment with the influence of the bank where my cousin and hubby worked, and went to meet him with my son. He said he would first check his left eye and if he found it to be normal only, would he check his right eye.He found his left eye to be normal, so he told us to go the next day for a complete check up of his right eye. We went at the appointed time, and my son was taken for the tests. We waited with trepidation for the doctor to give the result. After all the tests, he called me in and told me that my son had juvenile cataract, which was there from the time of birth. Since that eye was not being used and no light had passed through his pupil, he said there were chances that his retina also could be dead. When a baby gets it only in one eye, it becomes difficult to find out whether he has vision in one eye, if both eyes were affected, we get to know fast. He told me he would operate that eye and then decide on further treatment.

The date of surgery was fixed and we got him admitted on that date. The surgery was done and his left eye was bandaged..The doctor told me that his retina and nerves were dead. He advised us to try and make him use that eye later on by closing his other eye, which was really very difficult, for a one year old to do. Keeping him still was a difficult task for us. All this was like a bolt from the blue. Still I took it as one of life’s challenges.

Mine being a premature delivery, I had returned home without my babies, who were in the incubator, not knowing if I will get them back alive. Being twins, both of them together were only 3kg. All this had pushed me to the edge, but I preferred to stay strong under all circumstances. May be this was also a cause for his cataract.

Coming back to the point, within one month of his eye surgery, the cataract came back as if it refused to leave him. Doctor told us another surgery could be done only after six months. So we went after six months, and it was removed again and he implanted a lens to help him exercise and try to get at least a little vision back. We used to make him wear a specks, close his good eye and make him walk by calling out to him. It used to choke me up to see him banging against everything that was on his right side. The stubborn cataract reappeared on his lens and he had to undergo a third surgery, three surgeries in eighteen months. After that, I think the cataract itself felt pity for the boy.

When I used to be in the hospital with him, I used to see different aged people undergoing cataract treatment. One particular doctor from Vizag was surprised to hear about my son, and he said he was feeling bad that he got it in his late 40’s. It was like everyone saying, “OMG”, cataract at this age. It was during my third stay that I saw a boy of my son’s age with cataract in both his eyes. He could see just the shadow of everyone and everything. It was very difficult to my son in one place, he would run around the hospital corridor. This, other boy too played with him. He used to bang against everything as he ran around. His mother would be crying seeing that. They had come for an eye transplant of one eye. I started thanking God for His little blessings. I was better off than many others there.

As my son grew up, I used to have problems, at school too, with his hindi. We never made him feel that it was a handicap. Later on , he used to get pain in the right eye and the doctor told us that it was because the brain was forcing him to use the right eye too. He too understood that he had vision only in one eye. But it never bothered him nor was it a hindrance for him when he took part in all extracurricular activities. Doctors too told me to just leave him alone, not to trouble him by taking him anywhere for a checkup. Only when he had an infection I used to take him.

Today I am happy that he has grown up with the fact that he is blind in one eye. He is like any other person of his age. He doesn’t feel bad when people ask him about his lens in his right eye. I am grateful to God for the little allowances and blessings that he sends my way. I never compare my life to that of others. I have always fought my way out in life and am proud to say that my son too has fought it out. It is always better to face the challenges of life than to sit and brood or cry over it. We make our life more miserable by crying over it. When we stand up to face it, we overcome it and feel happy that we are not bowing down to the harsh realities of life. I have now learnt to count my blessings, rather than cry over the problems.

To understand any living being, you must creep within and feel the beating of the heart.

INTROSPECTION

We say people have changed......but are we trying to look into ourselves to retrospect whether we are the same or are we dealing with others, the way we want ourselves to be treated....We very rarely do that....We go on complaining that people change....Are we the same...trying to keep in touch with others...Are we responding properly to the moves of others to be in touch...Sometimes when we try to keep contact, we are given a cold attitude and the same people neglect others too.....We have to first correct our responses before judging others. Are we being the same always. 

  It is very easy to say that people have changed. We keep on ranting about it that we never stop to think, if we are a cause in any way for the other person to change..When some one just ignores your gestures to keep in touch, we feel that the person is not interested in continuing your friendship...It takes just two minutes to say a Hi. But if someone gives an excuse that they don't even have time to do that too, it is hard to digest that fact.

Live with a give and take attitude. One cannot always expect importance only for self.. if so then they should also learn to give importance to others. Very easily we blame others, not knowing what that person is going through. It is human tendency to only think of ourselves. Try to always put yourself in the other persons shoes. If it hurts you, then it must be hurting other too. Life is too short to live with a negative attitude.....Always try to see the good side of things and be positive. When that positiveness comes into you...naturally all will get attracted to that positive nature. Nobody likes to live in a world of gloom. The positive attitude radiate all around that your face glows with a positive light emanating from your heart.  This is what inspires others. Get inspired and inspire others.

When we are with people, from some we get only negative vibes, they may be people who have everything money can buy. At the same time some give out such positive vibes, even when they have suffered a lot and still suffereing a lot. Such people have the capacity to  make others smile by always having a smiling face..They have such  strong inner beauty, which radiates on their face giving others a strong positive vibe, which inspires them. 

To put everything in a nutshell let me end it with a quote about attitude by W.Clement Stone. "There is very little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude.”

THE LITTLE THINGS THAT GAVE ME HAPPINESS.

“Sometimes the littlest  things in life can make your whole world change.*

Begin with little efforts that add on to make a big difference in someone’s life. The happiness of life is made up of little things.  When I started my journey of life, I never knew what made me happy. As a tiny tot, I found happiness in talking to my friends, as a result of which I was given the crown of “Chatter Box” both at home and at school. May be chatting around made me happy, I really don’t know. Later on, I don’t remember when I became a reserved person. May be due to the transfers my father had and the change of place and friends.

     When I was in fifth, we were only a handful students in the class. All the school Assemblies, we were given  certain duties. Sometimes it was news reading, sometimes leading the prayer, or Giving the “Thought of the day.” We had to explain and elaborate on which ever proverb we selected.  This made me search for proverbs from books and somehow I got interested in it and started enjoying it too. As I went to higher classes, it was writing a quote on the blackboard. By then I had more books from where I could choose the quote for the week. My father had inculcated the habit of reading books . Another habit he instilled in us was writing in the diary, the day to day incidents of life.

     As I grew up, that became a habit I enjoyed. Whenever I read a book and I found some lines interesting, I would jot it down in my diary, which I used in the classroom blackboard or bulletin boards. When I became a teacher, I started collecting bookmarks with quotes and I took immense care of those by pasting it in an album according to the topic. This gave me immense pleasure. I used it in my class room display board. Then I was entrusted the work of putting thought for the day, near the HM’s Office and the bulletin boards.  The quotes used to be based on the topic chosen by the class teacher for the Assembly.  With the Centenary block coming up, we had a notice board for parents.  Quotes had to be put along with pictures,  that enhances the quote.  Sometimes suggestions used to come from all sources for better pictures and efforts were taken to search for better pictures from colorful magazines.

   When I quit teaching, my little happiness just faded away. Then I joined the social network and once again I started with my quotes as my status messages. There were a lot of friends who encouraged me and also a few with words of appreciation. Some felt inspired reading it, while others left a note of thanks for the encouraging words.  A few of my friends who knew me well, encouraged me to start a page. My niece also kept compelling me to do it. Since I used to do a lot of handiwork, which was something which gave me lot of happiness. Those handwork was something I made and gifted my friends. The thought was always there at the back of my mind.

   When I became handicapped with doctor’s advice  of stopping my craft work with my right hand, I had to keep away from doing something I loved . I took to writing about my experiences and my journey through cancer. There were a lot of small books which I had collected over the years and the sayings which I had copied down in my diary. I decided to start a page, where I could also put the poems written by my little niece. The books I had bought during my teaching days, came out of its hiding place.

   I restarted that “Little thing” which had become special for me and which gave me happiness. I have to thank my niece for always being after me and encouraging me to start the page and also helps me with quotes and pictures. I would also like to thank all my friends who have liked my page” Musings” and also takes time to browse through my page. If I am able to inspire at least one person daily, that makes my effort a fruitful one. I feel happy that I am again doing that “Little thing’”, which I always loved from a time I can remember. Something,  which I have always loved doing  and also kept me happy. A work I did with a lot of zest . A small effort ,to create a positive attitude and also inspire those who took time to read them. Sometimes it is these little things that bring us a lot of happiness. If I can bring  a smile on a person’s face, or if someone can derive inspiration from it, then the effort I take is rewarded. And bringing a smile on a friend’s face gives me a lot of happiness and means a lot to me.

ON LINE FRIENDSHIPS.

In our journey of life, we meet a lot of people. Some of them are with us only for a short time, while some of them become special to us. We get to know them better and a good rapport is formed. They become part and parcel of our life. There used to be times, when people became pen pals, they stayed connected only through letters initially. Letters used to be the only way of communication, and may be a phone call.. But they became good friends and also made plans to meet each other to give more meaning to their friendship.  Now with the internet and social networks, we get to meet a lot of people, though in a virtual world. Another form of pen pals, one could say.

        I too made a lot of friends through face book and other games. Some of them were just acquaintances. Some of them became good friends. With the formation of groups, it became more fun with exchange of tit bits, recipes, music, art etc. A group of friends,  belonging to different places, with different tastes and characteristics. It became a second home  for people leading a lonely life away from home. We never saw them personally, but still exchanged words on the walls and finally became a part of an extended family.

        Some of them became close friends and some of them special to us in some way. Arranging to meet these friends, whom we have never met, became an exciting experience. A memory , to be cherished forever. Sometimes we never get a chance to meet them, still they remain close friends. We get to understand them and sometimes small fights, where the child in us pops its head out and makes us sulk till we are pampered to come out of the wall each one builds. For some the friendship remains virtual one only, nothing more than that. Once they get to know each other, efforts are made to keep in touch by speaking to each other.

    When we talk to each other on the walls, the tone of a person’s written words give us a clue of their moods and feelings. As the saying goes “A pen is mightier than a sword,” means a lot here. When we write on the walls, sometimes we get so carried away, that we lose track of what we are writing. It becomes very difficult to erase it out…These words sometimes stare at us from our walls. We have to tackle every friendship we make with tact. Respect every friendship and try to keep it live.

     Daily we are keen to meet those friends; we have met on the walls of our computer.  One day, we don’t see them, there is concern in our minds, as to what happened. Plans are made to meet each other, sometimes it is surprise calls from them. In today’s stress filled world, this turn out to be a blessing, as there is lot of fun, teasing and puzzles to be solved in some groups.  We grow so close to some of them, in spite of the distance, we feel we have known each other for a long time. There is some kind of rapport and understanding, that we get to know if there is a slight change in the way they wish you  a “Good Morning” or a “Hi”.

     Some say all these friendships are namesake ones…..But I have always valued friendship and my friends. I did get a few friends who have been with me even in my worst time, giving me support and encouraging me always.  They have been very close to my heart….Sometimes an unseen bond binds us so close to each other, that we feel incomplete or unsatisfied with life when you don’t see them one day. It is not necessary to see each other in real life, to have that bonding.  But I should say that I have lost a few of them, just like that for no reason. I do try to keep in touch and if I have made a friendship I have made it with sincerity.

  In short, we make a lot of friends. It is easy to make friends, but we have to take time and effort to keep up these friendships. A small “Hi”, a wish, or a smile to show that they are always remembered, is enough to bring a smile on the face of a friend. Try to always maintain a cordial relationship with each friend you have made. We never know what a friend has gone through in life, we have to be very careful when we make assumptions. These friendships teach us to adjust and accommodate. We don’t see the faces, but somehow from the words we see, we understand them. They also teach us that we need not see face to face, to keep up a friendship. I do believe in angels, and I feel some of our friends become angels to see us through, in life.

 In a friendship there is something of all relations and it becomes something above all of them. We often find that when things become difficult and each step is heavy to take, a friend comes along and eases our way by being with us. Each moment spent with a friend is like a beautiful flower that is placed in life’s bouquet. 

Contemplation's of a Teacher

“A teacher’s influence extends into eternity. While Emerson declared  that men are what their mothers make them, Aristotle placed teachers on a higher plane, when he said; “They who educate children are to be honoured more than those who bear them for these only give life, those the art of living well. It is very true that the influence a teacher makes on a student is great. As a teacher & a mother I feel there is a lot of truth in that statement. Very rarely a student forgets his/her first teacher. My experience with the tiny tots has been a fulfilling and satisfying one.

       When these kids first enter school, they are just uprooted from the secure lap of their parents/grand parents, to a completely new atmosphere. They feel lost and insecure for the first few days till they get used to their teacher. It becomes a second home for them, with their teacher taking the place of their mother. It is such a beautiful experience, as these tiny tots look up to you as a mother/teacher/ role model. They become so attached to you and so possessive, that each one thinks that the teacher is his/her own property. They come to you with every little problem of theirs, which includes complaints about their mother or father scolding, brother or sister hurting or small bruises they got while playing etc. As one comes up with such a story, others follow with their own little tales.

       
Later on, as the teacher starts teaching them, each child wants to be the first one to be taught to write, to colour or to recite rhymes. Then it is a competition among them as to who would be the first to complete their work. It is such a fulfilling & beautiful feeling, when you inspire them to learn the letters of the alphabet and the numbers. It is that foundation which sees them through their entire life. It sometimes becomes tiring at times because of their mood swings. It is then you need to coax them and pamper them to get their attention. But at the end of it, you have a great satisfaction.

      
You get to learn a lot from these tiny tots. They have a unique way of making friends. The way they  laugh and talk to each other and share with each other. There is so much innocence in their friendships. Sometimes they fight and then a few minutes later, you see them hugging each other and walking hand in hand. It is as if they have not fought at all. They have no egos like the elders.  When one child finishes writing  and finds  the other struggling to write, they hold hands of the other and help them to write.

   
At times I have found the most well behaved and obedient child becoming very indifferent and bullying others. Even when you try to talk to them, they just become silent.I really used to find it very confusing. Unless the child is going through some kind of a problem, it is unusual of a child to suddenly misbehave. When you talk to the anxious parents about the child, they too find it confusing as they are not able to understand the cause. It is sometimes the birth of a younger one that causes this insecurity. At times it is the fights at home, or death of a close one in the family. Sometimes the child opens up and speaks out when extra love and care is shown to that child. Then the attitude slowly changes. But if  it goes unnoticed, the child becomes a very troublesome student.

  
To put it in a nutshell, it is the most rewarding experience, I have ever had as a teacher. You need the patience and a love for these tiny tots. Sometimes you have to be one among them. Only then you can build a rapport with them. They observe you a lot and imitate too. We too can learn a lot from them by observing them. Some of them remain friends throughtout their life. The first teacher always makes a lasting impression in the minds of children.

FRIENDSHIP IS A PUZZLE.

“Friends are like the pieces of a puzzle. Even if one goes away, that piece can never be replaced & that puzzle will never be whole again”.

Friendship is the hardest thing to explain, still we maintain friendships for so many years. Some of them are childhood friends. They may not communicate with each other at all, Still when they meet, it is as if they have never been away from each other. They always have beautiful memories etched in their mind & heart. Some long time friendships fade away & some fall apart as time goes by, due to social status & financial background. Such a friend is not worth keeping or remembering.  Friendship is not formed or kept because of what they have or what they become. Such a friendship & friend  can never be trusted in life.

            Just as the saying goes, “When a bird is alive... it eats Ants. When the bird is dead... Ants eat the bird! So... Time & Circumstances can change at any time... Don't devalue or hurt anyone in life. You may be powerful today... But Remember... ... Time is more powerful than You!! One tree makes a million match sticks... But when the time comes... Only one match stick is needed to burn a million trees...”We should never forget who we were & whatever we are today. People always forget that just a few seconds  is enough to lose everything we have in life….status, power, riches, fame etc. No one on this earth can buy true friendship. But a genuine friend who loves us for what we  are will be with us whatever our circumstances might be.

                                    People who make & break friendships based on social status & financial  stability, do so either for self interest or mutucal interest. Those who look out for outward appearance & beauty also , never realize that it is the inner beauty of a person  & , the love & care, that matters the most. Some just move away when we are in a critical situation & come back to us when we are financially  stable. These  are bitter experiences that make us strong enough to face the harsh realities of life.

Whatever  our feeling might be, it should be mutual in  a friendship. If we expect to be complimented, then we should have the heart to compliment others too.  A friendship is a one way road to be travelled equal distance by both. We realize who our true friends are when we go through a bad time in life. A time when all we need is someone to remind us that we are strong enough to face it or a kind word to say “ We are with you”. It acts like a balm that soothes away all the pain & makes  us feel that we are not alone.

              Friendship is a bond where both have to take equal efforts to maintain that special bond. Once the bond is strong it never looks for social status or financial stability. Never trust a person who looks for it in a friendship. Friendship is a bond that grows gradually through the efforts made by two people, giving each other ample space & time. It is not a bond made by an agreement & with conditions, but  by understanding & adjustments when it is needed . Never take it for granted.

                          A friendship should get better with the passage of time, learning to appreciate each other. The best thing one can have is a true friend & the best thing one can be is a true friend to another.