In the core of a heart, is it’s most puzzling ways.

The home is where the heart is, heard most commonly,  the most important of all your body organs is the heart, the exact home of your body. The one that is always used, misused and abused the most. It is never taken care of, until it is too late and gives a warning signal in the form of a block, thickening or a fast beat. It is a well known fact that the heart gets affected in mental clarity, creativity, emotional balance and personal effectiveness. The heart and mind are always at loggerheads. The stress and strain of day to day life too is an important factor. Your heart is vitally responsible for just about everything that gives your body life.

“If you think with your head, a heart is just an organ that pumps blood. But if you think with your heart, you know that a heart is the core of human existence. A heart feels, emotes and expresses. Often a heart is given more importance than the brain. The heart is the most symbolic part of your body. Logic says it is better to think with both your head and heart, to save the heart from the wear and tear of day to day life."

The heart is  metaphorical or symbolic as the center of emotions including affection, love and care. The heart races due to many reasons. It races when you are in love; you see something alarming, when you are sick, when someone surprises you. There are many reasons why your heart races. But when the heart races without any reasons, it alarms you, because you don't know what is happening. Palpitations are the unpleasant sensations of irregular and forceful beating of the heart in the chest. It sometimes pounds against your ribs so much that you feel it will explode any time.

As age catches on, it is very alarming to feel your heart racing at such a fast pace, that you get uneasy and the chest feels as if a big boulder is on it.  It is very puzzling, when you have to go through various tests to find the reason for your racing heart. It is sometimes a premature contraction of your heart because of the irregular heartbeats. What causes it, you never know. You might feel as though the heart is fluttering, throbbing, flip-flopping, and  the rhythm of the heart too fast or too slow. You sometimes spend sleepless nights due to the unruly beating of the heart, making you wonder what could be the reason for its fast beats, “the flutter of the flip-flops.” The heart finds it difficult to keep pace with what the mind is battling.

You hear about flutter in the chest and stomach, which at a certain age is enjoyed. But when your heart flutters non stop at any given time, it is time to sit up and think. They say it is an adrenaline rush in response to a fight or a flight, causing blood pressure or a racing heart. It is time to wake up to the fact that your heart is fighting hard. Just like the rhythm of life, it is vital to keep the rhythm of the heart too. A tired and fatigued body loses both the rhythm of life and heart. The born fighter in you fights to keep the rhythm, but at times both body and heart lets you down, which makes your challenge even more powerful. Staying positive against all odds is the only solution and makes your fight too,  stronger and powerful. And the mind has to win against all odds and fight till your heart stays quiet and calm.

"Your attitude affects your latitude" , is it a cliche? The optimism and hopeful expectations does influence the health positively. The body sometimes plays havoc, in spite of the positive outlook you have towards life, could be because  the body did not recuperate properly. Rather than simply seeking positive happiness, you need to learn to create a harmonious attitude between emotions, soul, spirit and body. That needs patience,  perseverance, grit and determination; to become a warrior and survivor, in spite of all the emotional and physical challenges of life.

The most beautiful music in the world is your own heartbeat because it assures you that you have survived all the battles of life, even when you are  fighting a lone battle with your pains or  your body that refuses to sometimes retaliate and recuperate. You fall in love with your own heartbeats when it races in such a way that it threatens to run out your life. While the mind fights, the heart races at its own accord.   I sometimes wonder what  a heart, the largest muscle in your body  could do to the core of your life as the mind fights all the battles of life with a smile.

"Deep inside my heart,
In the ante chambers,
It is on a rampage,
As if it would explode.

My heart flutters,
It races rapidly,
With spasms of pain,
And shortness of breath.

Unknown are reasons,
Squeezing my heart,
It beats musically,
And knocks its walls."

The fleeting life.

Nature is the most beautiful gift in life. Everything that is related to nature is magical. A magical moonlit night, with cool breeze caressing and sweet fragrance of the flowers that blossom only at night, spreading in the air is a breathtaking experience. Nothing can be more  beautiful, pleasing and comforting than that, after a tiring long day to soothe you. To watch a flower blooming at night enhances your joy and wonder.

You get such joy observing the Nishagandhi, the queen of night bloom at night, a variety of the night blooming flower. They bloom once a year by midnight and droops by dawn. A fascinating flower that is both puzzling and intriguing, a wonder of nature, that stems from the side of a leaf. It is stunning, inspiring and has an intoxicating fragrance, giving an insight that is profound. Sometimes you don't recognize the value of many simple but beautiful things in life. It may become valuable at some point of life and become hidden gems.

It is said that the Japanese call it, "Beauty under the moon," and according to the Chinese it is a fleeting impressive moment in someone's life, " A flash in the pan." A flower that rarely blossoms and only at night. It has only one night's life and withers away by sunrise, but still fills all around with joy at its breathtaking simple beauty, that talks volumes about nature with its secrets and surprises.

The blooming and drooping of this flower can be a metaphor of life. It is a symbolism of how life is short and to give the best of everything because it is not the length of life but the meaning that holds importance. How important it is to enjoy and savor the best moments with your loved ones because you tend to overlook them. It is really amazing how a flower could teach such beautiful and simple insights of life. A beautiful, yet short lived blossom that is a thought provoking reminder of life's vanity and glory. Man too passes through different phases and wanes off to the sunset years of life. The queen of the night, is at its full glory at midnight,  delicately and intricately interwoven with its lovely fragrance, that sends a chain of thoughts in the mind about life. You feel touched by a flower, one that is short lived yet  a magical wonder of nature.

"A midnight blooming flower, that blossoms once a year, drooping before the first rays of the sun, giving a feast to the eyes with its beauty and  enticing the beholder beyond words with its fragrance, by the magical insight of life."

Tiny Parachutes of Life.

 Life reverberates like a dandelion blowing in the wind. Life is like a dandelion that could be the reason why man always searches...wondering how the dandelions can bloom and then fade away into fluffy white pieces that take flight at the slightest breeze. It is a narrow difference that shows on life's choices and how those choices really make you what you are and what you become. It floats in the wind seems free and unrestrained but actually in a state of not acting of its own will. It gives hope that if it falls new life is generated, continuing in a different way, cultivating a sense of wonder to keep it fresh in all areas. Life is like the seeds that get blown out in the wind, planting new choices and new areas of growth.

A dandelion can grow in any place and survive even in the toughest of environment. It also has a deep root system that allows it to withstand anything. Its transformation is a beautiful one against all odds. They are blown in the wind, like the choices of life, the making of 'You' and the attitude towards life and challenges. They are at the mercy of the wind, still they give hope of life and  strength, like the strength you derive and the courage to navigate through all the strong winds and storms that threaten the very core of life.

Dandelions are symbols of positivism, progress and survival. The fluffy white dandelion seeds, each a tiny parachute  flying in the wind gives a positive influence,  a source of inspiration, determination and a willful directive to survive against all odds. It is also a reminder to reflect on what kind of 'thought-seeds' you are planting. It is an awakening to bring out an unassuming you with a positive glow, puffball explosion of inspiration, clarity and insight into life.

It is always simple things that matter the most in life, asking you to see your inner strength every time you face obstacles and challenges that come to throw you off balance. Life is  a beautiful struggle and your strength will take you forward. A dandelion flower once it dries, individual parachutes fly off to settle and grow, wherever the wind takes them. These tiny parachutes  taken away by the wind, fall and grow giving hope of strength and life. Each parachute an entity of its own.

They remind you of those souls who love to see dandelions and watch its tiny parachutes waft in air with wonder and sheer delight. Loved for its delicate, elegance, beauty and its simplicity that makes it stand out in a crowd despite their smallness. They stand strong as a perfect symbol of strength, reminding you to live life to the fullest and never give up, no matter what comes in your life.

As in life, each man is one on his own, as dandelions are. It is accepted as a flower-weed that leaves its indelible imprints on the heart and mind just like man and thrive on reality of life. Dandelions are symbols of courage and cheerfulness. It thrives and grows, withstanding all uncertainties of life. Even in adversities, they  manage to thrive with a cheer, comfort and hope. There is a lot man can learn from dandelions. Life and dandelions are similar in a lot of ways. Depends on what you intend to derive from it. Like the dandelions you too can be tough to withstand any environment, with its adaptability to any conditions, be cheerful and strong. It can speak volumes, if you take the time to observe them. A tiny parachute of life, that gives strength, courage, positivity and hope.

"Tiny parachutes of life,
Puffball explosion of inspiration,
Flying at their will in air,
Of dandelions that withstand,
With roots stretched deep that overcome,
To stand tall and beautiful,
A flower but as a simple weed."

The waxing and waning of life.

"Nothing that is can pause or stay. The moon will wax, the moon will wan, the mist and cloud will turn to rain, the rain will turn to mist and cloud again. Tomorrow will be today." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

The waxing and waning of the moon is similar to your thoughts and life. If you are waxing probably you are feeling strong, optimistic and positive. But if you are waning you are frustrated, pessimistic and feeling stuck in life. Wax or wane, is a million dollar question. Isn't life a combination of both, waxing is the good times when you grow stronger and grow in life, whereas waning is the challenging times, where some grow frustrated and get into self pity and some stand up and fight like a warrior. It may increase build and grow with a positive drive or diminish and destroy with a negative drive. But if you take it with a positive note, the waxing and waning is a period of reflection and a period to release the negative vibes out and bring in the positive vibes. You cannot wane constantly and give up. A time to let go of what you cannot change in life, and alleviate yourself to fight out all the challenges of life without negativity of any kind. It lets you cleanse your soul with only positive thoughts. The beauty of waxing and waning is that it is a reminder of change and constancy, which only you can do.

The waxing and waning is also like the uncertainty of thoughts and life, that may be wavering at times creating a confusion in your mind. But if you are positive, why falter in life or thoughts? All go through this kind of alarming thoughts, that tend to shake your fortress. Easy to say it is up to you to shake it off, difficult to practice but not impossible. Some things fill us with doubts, that linger on for a while. Life sometimes takes you through grueling experiences, that does tend to make you exhausted, but your will power can make you come out of it and that is all that matters.

On a new moon day, it is dark, but it is not the end of the world. Slowly the moon starts waxing to say that all is not lost, there is hope and to have patience. So are the dark days and challenges of life. When you come out surviving it life becomes beautiful like the full moon. It is equally painful to go through dark days after having lived a beautiful life. Again it is hope that drives you forward. Even if your life is in pain and shambles, it is up to you to come out of it in flying colors. That is possible only through you grit and perseverance. Sometimes you see only waning in life, through challenges and obstacle. Still if you look around, you can see thousands of little things that make up for all that you have gone through.

It is difficult to say without being harsh that self pity is a very selfish feeling. Those that regularly engage in self pity are miserable and pull others too down, making them unhappy. Separating self pity from depression and grief is difficult. Those that take to self pity thrive only on the sympathy of others because in that sympathy they find happiness and pleasant feelings, a way of demanding support and encouragement. Unfortunately this dependency  is always short lived and wears out easily. Feeling low is like sandpaper on the mind, annoying and harmful to self, because constant self pity out balances the positive streak into negatives. When you fight   the negatives to bring in the positives, you start hating sympathy and self pity. You are able to fight out all pains and challenges with a smile. It is natural for any human being to feel low, but it depends only on you, how fast you come out of it.

I connect to my inner self and my life when I think of waxing and waning, the thoughts that stem from day to day happenings of life, moving back and forth between ground reality and the deep impressions in my mind. Gazing at a moonlit sky, realizing how fleeting life is and  silly  the concerns that I have.

"A moonlit night's splendor,
Viewing it veiled by trees in radiance,
Clouds holding its venue,
My soul reaching out with a smile,
The dark sky that is aglow,
With the moon so big and bright,
Making my heart surrender,
To the waxing and waning,
Just like the journey of life."

The waxing and waning of life.

"Nothing that is can pause or stay. The moon will wax, the moon will wan, the mist and cloud will turn to rain, the rain will turn to mist and cloud again. Tomorrow will be today." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

The waxing and waning of the moon is similar to your thoughts and life. If you are waxing probably you are feeling strong, optimistic and positive. But if you are waning you are frustrated, pessimistic and feeling stuck in life. Wax or wane, is a million dollar question. Isn't life a combination of both, waxing is the good times when you grow stronger and grow in life, whereas waning is the challenging times, where some grow frustrated and get into self pity and some stand up and fight like a warrior. It may increase build and grow with a positive drive or diminish and destroy with a negative drive. But if you take it with a positive note, the waxing and waning is a period of reflection and a period to release the negative vibes out and bring in the positive vibes. You cannot wane constantly and give up. A time to let go of what you cannot change in life, and alleviate yourself to fight out all the challenges of life without negativity of any kind. It lets you cleanse your soul with only positive thoughts. The beauty of waxing and waning is that it is a reminder of change and constancy, which only you can do.

The waxing and waning is also like the uncertainty of thoughts and life, that may be wavering at times creating a confusion in your mind. But if you are positive, why falter in life or thoughts? All go through this kind of alarming thoughts, that tend to shake your fortress. Easy to say it is up to you to shake it off, difficult to practice but not impossible. Some things fill us with doubts, that linger on for a while. Life sometimes takes you through grueling experiences, that does tend to make you exhausted, but your will power can make you come out of it and that is all that matters.

On a new moon day, it is dark, but it is not the end of the world. Slowly the moon starts waxing to say that all is not lost, there is hope and to have patience. So are the dark days and challenges of life. When you come out surviving it life becomes beautiful like the full moon. It is equally painful to go through dark days after having lived a beautiful life. Again it is hope that drives you forward. Even if your life is in pain and shambles, it is up to you to come out of it in flying colors. That is possible only through you grit and perseverance. Sometimes you see only waning in life, through challenges and obstacle. Still if you look around, you can see thousands of little things that make up for all that you have gone through.

It is difficult to say without being harsh that self pity is a very selfish feeling. Those that regularly engage in self pity are miserable and pull others too down, making them unhappy. Separating self pity from depression and grief is difficult. Those that take to self pity thrive only on the sympathy of others because in that sympathy they find happiness and pleasant feelings, a way of demanding support and encouragement. Unfortunately this dependency  is always short lived and wears out easily. Feeling low is like sandpaper on the mind, annoying and harmful to self, because constant self pity out balances the positive streak into negatives. When you fight   the negatives to bring in the positives, you start hating sympathy and self pity. You are able to fight out all pains and challenges with a smile. It is natural for any human being to feel low, but it depends only on you, how fast you come out of it.

I connect to my inner self and my life when I think of waxing and waning, the thoughts that stem from day to day happenings of life, moving back and forth between ground reality and the deep impressions in my mind. Gazing at a moonlit sky, realizing how fleeting life is and  silly  the concerns that I have.

"A moonlit night's splendor,
Viewing it veiled by trees in radiance,
Clouds holding its venue,
My soul reaching out with a smile,
The dark sky that is aglow,
With the moon so big and bright,
Making my heart surrender,
To the waxing and waning,
Just like the journey of life."

The tree of Life.

 The tree of life  is a magical concept of life that transcends the reality, touching the subconscious beyond the undefined and is a source of strength. Its meaning is varied and in various forms. It does ignite the imagination and bring out vivid images as a quest in a man's mind. Trees present many analogies to human development, representing a lot of things like wisdom, protection, strength, bounty, beauty and redemption and the art of giving selflessly. The tree depicts the true self as a positive symbol both in spirits and body.

A tree needs soil, water, air and sun to survive and so do human beings. Man is like a tree capable of withstanding any storm or challenges without complaining, but it differs from man to man. Though vulnerable to all the trends, knows how to deal with it. A tree is never dead, similarly mental catastrophe hits, but if deprived of a positive drive, everything is finished. Just as trees undergo season changes, man too experiences them. After undergoing drastic changes in autumn that makes it lifeless, when beautiful spring falls, it becomes lively and rejuvenated with beautiful branches, leaves, flowers and fruits that are regenerated. They regain beauty and  for man too after tough times good tidings flow into life.

Sitting in my empty nest, going through the contemplative journey of life, quietly reflecting I started wondering if age was catching on or if it was my health that made me sensitive and sentimental. Time and again, the threat and challenges that came to weaken my very foundation and my hard built fortress of strength, could be the reason for such thoughts. Fighting my worst battle of life, where my mind and body, were at loggerheads. My emotions playing havoc and trying to make me a wreck.  So I decided to shake it off by restarting all that I loved doing the most. There was a time I used to do a lot of embroidery and craft work, that I gifted my friends and loved ones. I decided to get back to it, little at a time, not exerting my hands; then reading and writing which I love. My hubby expressed surprise at my irritability and according to him 'cribbing' from a person who was a cool cucumber. For a second I felt I was being taken for granted and nobody was understanding my inner fight and struggle with cancer, nor the trauma I was going through; my duty was to just keep performing without a murmur whatsoever.

My realization came by, when I thought why in the first place I was expecting others to understand my pain. My pain was and is my own, a fight with myself, my mind, heart, body and cancer. I decided to fight it out alone with myself, expecting very little  or nothing at all and find my joy in what I do and in fulfilling my little dreams, keeping a detached attachment with everyone. There is a framed photograph of a tree presented to me by one of my brats and another one by my bedside of a lone tree, which fills me with a kind of peace whenever I look at it. I sat looking at it for sometime and thought why not take the concept of that tree. A tree and man are always inter-dependent for many things, but be like a tree without mental dependency. Then you are able to carry on, facing everything in life with a glowing smile. I will not allow myself to get unnerved in such a way that my loved ones feel the brunt of it or weaken my fortress of strength whatever happens. A rebel and born fighter who likes to question every why, what, when, who, where and how, decided to follow the 'Five W's of life'. The quote says,
"WHO you are is what makes you special, do not change for anyone.
WHAT lies ahead will always be a mystery. Do not be afraid to explore.
WHEN life pushes you over, push back even harder.
WHERE there are choices to make, make the one you won't regret.
WHY things happen will never be certain. Take it in your stride and move forward."
I decided to be a solace, strong fortress of strength to my loved ones with a strong and loving clasp allowing them a lot of space, that always makes them  return seeking it, feeling secure and expecting nothing in return.

I am not worried about what others think of me or talk about me. My life and my fight is mine alone. I will keep doing my part always, not worrying about anything. This is not a boundary to protect myself, but not to hurt others. It is just trying to  control  the heart with my mind, because my loved ones are my only weakness, where my fight is the toughest.. In my fight with life, I learnt that I could learn a lot from nature. That is how I compared life to a tree,  rain,  dewdrops, the sea, the river, the fallen leaves and sunsets. There are many other sources of inspiration from nature. It gives me a sense of peace and oneness. I don't want to be a slave to my feelings, but one who balances it in all ways.

Whenever one flies away from my nest to grow in life, the absence and presence, makes me miss and feel about it and I don't hear anything from them. But I detach myself from that feeling, so that it doesn't grow inside me to make me miserable.  I find ways to come out of it and make an effort to fight out those feelings and get used to it. I would rather fight it out even though I miss them. It is the greatest asset to be able to navigate your emotions  and turn it to a purely positive one.

The cherished precious moments of life.

"Precious moments are like dewdrops, cherish them before they are gone with the morning sun, for someday when you look back those may be all that you have."

How true it is in this fast paced life, where all are in a rat race and you have let moments of your life pass by just like that. Memories are precious moments that you wrap closely around your heart in delicate ribbons, the ones that are not held dear to you, unties itself naturally. Memories warm you from the inside, when the shadows of bygone days tend to haunt. Precious moments of time and place, bring joy to your hearts and smiles to your face, remembering back on the years that just fled. They are like flash heads from the heart, which remind you of the roads traveled, the places and people who touches your heart along life's journey.  Cherish those precious moments because they did not happen by plan or design, but by feelings, hunch, chance, fate or destiny.

When you look at life with wonder, everything around you is like a miracle. Be cheerful when you ride the roller coaster of life,  appreciating only the lovely moments with an optimistic and positive attitude. Take life as an adventure, laugh, smile,  bring magic moments and create memories that lasts a lifetime. Life is precious and appreciate the special moments of life. You always treasure those rare moments that took you unawares. In today's tumultuous and challenging times, the real reasons why you work so hard for the joy and comfort for your loved ones is often overlooked. It is the fulfillment of those dreams for your loved ones that become a source of joy and a moment that is most cherished.

You go through the entire day, in oblivion to the small joys and those precious moments that surround you. Take a moment to look around in the busy life when you are struggling to stay afloat, and the constant pressure brings about a subtle numbness that tends to take hold of your life. The tyranny of such times makes you push aside the precious moments around you and harp only on your negative moment only, but that makes life an utter disaster. Life is always unpredictable, but instead of always reminiscing over the lovely moments of life, the tendency is to curse the testing times. Life is always made  up of special moments that makes it worth living and it is a sad irony that we miss them due to the stress of the fast paced daily life.

The most precious moment of my life is when I held my twins for the first time after almost a month, though I went through the biggest fight of my life when I left them in the neonatal ward and left the hospital not knowing if I would get them alive.  The most special and precious moment is when I held my granddaughter as it was the completion of my womanhood. As Shing xiong quotes, " In the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away." Each moment of your life is a picture, that you have not seen before, will not see again, so make use of it and make it beautiful.

Another most special and precious moment of my life is meeting that someone, an unforeseen bond that came from nowhere to be a dear son to me. Unforeseen bond and moments with them always takes one by surprise taking your breath away.  It is still a fond memory of precious moments, meeting his family and my little friend, his son who just came running out of the car to hug me, something that filled me with a warmth and wonder. The wonderful journey and the time I spent with them, playfully teasing and talking, making it an enhanced bond of life. I consider it a joy and blessing sent my way to always treasure in my heart, the unforeseen bond and affection.

I have realized how precious life is though it is  tenuous  and fragile. In times of pain, I love to recapture those beautiful moments of life that were sent to me as little blessings before any challenging times. When I think of such precious moments, it is my friend's surprise visit from Noida  when  I had shaved my head after Chemotherapy, that comes to my mind. She had come to see me after hearing of my cancer and her playful comments of my serene look without hair. Her surprise cake that year after my surgery, on my birthday. There are other moments, when my friend, colleague, and a friend for life, used to come daily to the hospital, whenever I was hospitalized, scolding me like a mother for not looking after myself and used to feed me, saying I wouldn't eat otherwise. I cherish those moments,  a sudden peck on my cheeks, by some friends who are like my daughters.

I hold dear those phone calls of a great friend, and value the times I have met her and I always look forward to all weekends, without fail, little moments of immense joy, sent my way as a blessing. The biggest surprise and joy of my life  I really hold dear is the moment, on my star birthday in Kerala, when I entered home from the temple with my brother and my friend appeared before me. I really looked at her in disbelief, open mouthed, squealed in delight and hugged her. A perfect birthday gift  . She had messaged me in what's app the previous night and never breathed a word that she was in Trichur. My family members were surprised watching my excitement and squeal, from an otherwise cool person.

There are so many other moments, that gave me immense joy,  little surprises from friends, precious moments to reminisce during my painful days.  I really think those moments special and blessed, when I went to a friend's house and met her invalid daughter who can only feel and hear someone around. When I gave her my finger, she just held on to them and the reciprocation I got caressing her forehead is one I still remember with goosebumps.

My birthday, with surprises from my sons, a bouquet and cake to celebrate that day after midnight, surprise calls, bouquet of  roses and many little joys, to fight the pains of my life that is aplenty in my life. But my little joys are umpteen that it surpasses all pains. I always look around for little joys around me, in being one with nature capturing those moments and things I see and find immense happiness in it. I believe in savoring moments of my life. Life is always puzzling, bringing the unknown together, creating unforeseen bonds, that make life beautiful and a blessing of joy to soothe the pains and challenges that take you unawares.

"Life is not made up of minutes, hours, weeks, months or years, but of moments. You must experience each one before you can appreciate it." Sarah Ban Breathnach.

Balancing the tightrope walk of life.

A caption about a tightrope scenario and how we balance to it, was a  reminder that made me think deeply, for a few days, though my life had always been a tightrope walk. Life is in fact a balancing act on  a tightrope, be it how you live, how you face calamities that lashes out at you time and again, your psychological conditions or the way you deal with the atmosphere at home and work.  It is also looking inward and finding joy; looking outward in a positive way even when negatives try to break you up. There is no easy way out , you have to trudge carefully without faltering and making your way across in life.

Excuses for facing problems are custom-made for every situation if you wish to turn and run away from it. It is difficult to maintain your poise in all situations, but not impossible, if you give it a try without just finding an escape from everything. You have to stay attuned in life. As Alexandar Hemon quotes, " There are moments in life when it is all turned inside out-- what is real becomes unreal, what is unreal becomes tangible, and all your levelheaded efforts to keep a tight ontological control are rendered silly and indulgent." Still we try to keep a balance in life and that is an art, an outcome of being able to face anything with a cool head.


Life is always a balancing act. It is a tightrope walk where you tend to stumble often. But it also means maintaining balance between the opposite situations of life, by proceeding cautiously, in order to face both equally. The act of maintaining balance  is in fact a great principal in real life. Sometimes you have to find a balance between two contrary mental states. You come across hundreds of such situations in your daily life. The biggest hurdle is the faith to believe that you can do it. You need to focus on the efforts and place your steps on the tightrope of belief.

Life is indeed like walking on a tightrope. If you tend to lean towards one side only, you may falter and fall. So to save yourself you have to refrain from leaning and then maintain balance till the other end of life. And that is the only formula for a safe journey through life. When you look at life as a book of words, you can only improve the quality of life.  But as a book of wisdom, it is a chance to go through life victoriously, while you remain unaffected by the challenges of life. All  have desires, even when life is full of realities and you have to keep a balance between the two and that is the real art of life.

On a balance, life is same for all, situations may vary, but all have to adopt the balancing act to live life well. Life does become precarious between balancing and living through a tightrope walk. Losing the balance may land you in an abyss of confusion, despair or self-pity, but everything depends on how you take it or how fast you regain your composure to do the balancing act again.  Our very existence is a fight between duality in all aspects of life. It is always exciting to face all challenges and overcome them.  It is also a balancing between facing a great news and a terrible malady with calmness and serenity.  All have feelings, all cry or laugh, but it is one of the wonders of life being able to stand tall and face everything. It is always an outlook for balanced choices and consequences.

A tightrope walker would have fallen many times, but it is knowing the risk that is involved and moving forward with courage, will and determination that makes it possible to go through it. With every imbalance and fall, it is the lesson learnt with a positive attitude, that makes the walk a continuous one, realizing the beauty and meaning of every moment, be it favorable or unfavorable one. The balance  a tightrope walk comes from understanding, tolerance and belief in life. The vital part of life that makes balancing possible is clarity of thought and the philosophy of facing the journey maintaining the ability to learn from experience,  continue with a positive attitude, to be alert and totally focused. To balance life between all the things you want versus your obligations between family and friends, while still being able to find time for yourself is the greatest feat in today's fast paced competitive  lifestyle.

Life being a tightrope walk, you may walk across half, turn back and run, fall or keep going across with full composure. Some situations may turn out very difficult to handle, you may burst out in anger or just face it whatever it may turn out to be. At times it seems difficult to handle when you mind and body are at crossroads. But the situation has to be faced, sometimes it may unnerve you, but the only solution is to face it with a positive attitude. It is a tightrope walk between facing pain and celebrating pain. The facing  of a tricky situation without getting into a tight spot or in danger. An equilibrium between holding on tightly to the positives when you are constantly  tortured by the negatives. A negotiation of our way through the situations of life with hope. In short, it is that moment,  where it is just you and the tightrope you must traverse, keeping you mind focused,  balancing between the people and situations in your life.

"We come into this world head first and go out feet first; in between, it is all a matter of balance." Paul Boese

Living life beyond cancer.

Turning  the negatives into positives is the greatest challenge of life. Living life with the threat of 'Triple negative breast cancer'  challenges life. Surviving it with hope converting all the pains and fights into a celebration of life itself, makes you value life and enjoy every moment. It is a great achievement to survive and celebrate all your pains with a smile.  Dealing with cancer is the greatest challenge, that goes on for quite sometime, and a great challenge too,  especially for those who carry the abnormal inherited breast cancer susceptible  'gene'  because they tend to recur , being prone to its attack more frequently . Breast cancer in fact is a family of diseases,  some aggressive, some advanced, some deadly but the 'can' in cancer beats all if you have the will to fight. Each person has a way of dealing with the threat of cancer, just like no two persons are the same, the dealing with it too differs.

Cancer changes your life, often for the better. In any illness, the most important thing is never to lose heart. You need to be cheerful and positive to support not only your mind but the body also. Many experience significant emotional and physical changes. While few see a hopeless end to life, others see a rainbow of hope. Life is mostly focusing on the challenges rather than the fright it may give. Cancer is a life changing obstacle that can be overcome with perseverance and courage. You have to be constantly vigilant for signs of any recurrence, without really being anxious over some of the physical changes and by listening to your body.

Walking and breathing helps you to learn a wonderful way of being a survivor. Everyone's journey through cancer is unique and knowing that others too have gone through the same can give strength and inspiration to keep everything in perspective.  When something happens in your life, you can let it define you, destroy you,  strengthen you or wallow in self pity. Life is always a beautiful struggle when you know how to celebrate pain. Cancer makes you realize that the most beautiful music is that of your heartbeats, because it gives you an assurance of your survival against all odds in the journey of life. The key to your survival  and improving the quality of your life is to understand 'cancer.'

Cancer is not a death sentence, although it means a lot to many. It does not stop your world nor life  and no disease can do it. You have the choice to turn it around so that it is a new learning experience to overcome and take charge of your body by not becoming a victim. Cancer treatment does put you into a thought process when you start wondering what's happening inside you. There are times you start laughing over things and then end up in tears without even knowing it or wanting it, a total confusion of your emotions. It is up to you to overcome it with a positive feeling that nothing can ever touch you. A confidence that everything is just fine and the best feeling is when you get out of that 'rock bottom' state.

Cancer teaches you to live beyond it by looking at life differently, to do things that you have been yearning, visit places that you may have dreamed of, fulfillment of a dream and most importantly to stay positive always. It is exciting to think about it, but you need others to understand what you have gone through and your fight against cancer. The understanding does help you fight against all maladies, though it is solely your own fight for life. Sometimes you don't understand your own emotions because it is a constant struggle between your body and mind. The best solution to get out of it is to do what you have been yearning to do, something that gives you immense joy to overcome everything you are fighting out.

Recovering from an illness or surgery is a pathway to finding your inner power and radiance. Your commitment to life depends on your own ability to digest it and how you feel waking up to a day of pain and how to relate to it. The radiance is there in you to your inner light and power of fighting all challenges that come your way. You will never know the value of finding joy in little things if you have not known pain. To put it in a nutshell, you have to experience a blend of pain and joy to know the real value of life. More than the journey through cancer, look forward to a life beyond cancer with a positive radiance. Your mind can create a positive light, with a consistent and strong positive attitude.

"Nothing in life should be taken for granted
By a Cancer Survivor

I know there is nothing in life you should take for granted.
I know which battles I can fight and which ones I don't need to.
I know the difference between important and irrelevant.
I know every second I waste, is a second I'll never get back.
I know I can have scars and still be beautiful.
I know my life is just as valuable after cancer as it was before, even if life insurance companies feel differently.
I know the difference between romance and real love.
I know that an hour in traffic is much shorter than an hour waiting for results.
I know that there is something I can learn from everything I am faced with.
I know true strength has nothing to do with how strong you are.
I know that people are all good and kind, even if sometimes we all don't act that way.
I am here for a good time, a long time, so I better make the best use of it.
I know one day, I won't be here, but I am lucky to be here now."

Raindrops that glisten and echo through my memory.

"Do you love to run in the rain, splash around and get drenched?"

The onset of rains can always bring a twinkle in the eyes and a smile on your face. The smell of the wet soil, the damp grass and the feel of puddles under your feet makes you want to run in the rain with abandon, feeling the drops fall on your face, letting the rain beat upon your head singing a lullaby and the joy of getting drenched to the skin is  an inexplicably beautiful feeling to experience. Raindrops are refreshing and soothing to your mind, body and soul. Rain is one of the most beautiful moments of nature, than can enhance you. Nature bestows you in many forms, each different and varying in its beauty. Rain is one of those beautiful moments, which gives a feeling of joy and consolation in a sad moment or when you are in pain.  It  also gives relief and solace.

A raindrop is one of the most beautiful of natural phenomenon. It is one of earth's most precious gifts. In reality, rain makes everything beautiful. 'The sun enables life, the rain grants its safe passage.' On a long drive watching the raindrops hitting the windscreen with a constant patter, rolling and tumbling as they dive on it gives a soothing feeling. The raindrops fall  either  slanted or straight making them look like liquid crystal beads that collide against the windscreen. They make pretty patterns on the windscreen as they fall and roll off. The drops on the windscreen reflects the world around it and that is a beautiful sight to behold.

What is it that you admire and appreciate about rain? Something very pleasant on a lazy day? A day to pursue your most favorite activity in life? Just watching the rain through the window or a day to unwind yourself running through the rain, splashing the puddles? Rain may be another moment of love, joy or any other emotion. Rain is a companion who lets you share all your emotions. It is truly magnificent when you listen to the fall of rain. The uneven sounds that it makes pounding hard against the window makes your heart beat faster and the smell of rain just intoxicates you. It is also so refreshing to watch the rainfall  and its dribble on the windowpane, filling you with a sense of peace as they flow down  and make a pool on the sill. When you watch something as pure as rain and an imagination to visualize, anything is possible with a positive will power.

When I smell and hear rain coming, I feel so happy deep inside from a time I can remember, a kind of nostalgia.  I love to drench myself in the  rain and it soothes and takes away all my pain. It is so refreshing when it pours and when the rain takes rest, the small streams it has made in every nook and corner is so inviting to make paper boats float in them. I forget myself in utter joy splashing in the puddles that are so tempting. The music made by rain mesmerizes me. I would rather smell the rain, feel it on my face, see it close drenching me, and taste the raindrops than watch it staying indoors. Feeling the raindrops on my face is like a balm that heals the pain in my scared  and bruised body and soul.  When it rains, the childlike spirit in me pulls me into it that my soul cannot resist; and it inspires me, heals me and each drop stands for something worthwhile. Rain and music it makes are that which lifts the inner spirit, inspires and captivates, cleansing the body, heart, mind and soul of all its pain.  It is  motivation, peace, hope, just  name it... and it is all in the mind. I feel all my conflicts and pain dissolving in it and a rainbow of joy encircling around me. I  just love everything about rain.

As quoted by H.W. Longfellow, "Into each life some rain must fall." Life gives us sorrow and challenges, which is an inevitable part of life. You learn to appreciate life. When you accept this fact, you can be prepared and move on with courage instead of wailing, moaning and lamenting about your life. You can survive any storm if you have the will to face it. Rain is a promise of growth and an affirmation of life ahead with hope. Actually every man has troubled times at some point of life, and no one's life is entirely charmed. It holds trials, the only difference is that for some it is an never ending one. If there is no pain, or life is not threatened, one would never appreciate or know the value of life nor the fruits of its labor, efforts, sacrifices and the moments of enduring the pain. So think about the truth of life, its challenges and go through it to make yourself strong enough to withstand it. Welcome the pain that rains on you. and be happy to see that beautiful and colorful rainbow, which made you what you are today!

There is something in rain that cannot be explained, but you can feel it. All rain lovers have it in their soul. For some an overcast sky may be a gloomy expression of their depression. But the fact is that it is an indicator  that pains are short lived and the rains will fall to heal the pains of the parched soul and body.  It symbolizes cleansing  away all your troubles to make way for happy tidings. The pitter-patter sound, the rain makes is endless and listening to it while walking on a misty  day, is magical. It may  sound strange, going for a walk in the drizzle, when everyone else is trying to stay away from the rain, but it is a great feeling of joy.  The raindrops falling all over, on the leaves and flowers, giving reflections of the world around it and those reflections just captivating your soul.  Nature looks more beautiful after a downpour. Rain makes you feel 'LIFE.'  Most of all, it makes you love those moments and takes you on a trip down your memory lane, to all the rainy seasons that you have enjoyed  and cherish from the time you can remember.

"Gazing at the cloudy sky,
Standing under the heavy downpour,
Getting drenched to the skin,
Flashes of lightening from a thundering sky,
Raindrops falling on my face,
Filling the reservoir of my heart,
Soaking my mind, soothing my soul,
Washing away all my pains,
And infusing me with tranquil reflections."

A wishful dream even when pain rained on me.

Our dreams are usually a combination of verbal, visual and emotional stimuli. It is a series of thoughts, images, sensations or  cherished aspirations. I don't remember a beautiful dream which I can think of except for the nightmares that comes haunting me of an impending illness or trouble either for my loved ones or for myself. It is like a kind of premonition that something unpleasant is on my way and to be prepared for it. It may be an omen or insight according to what each one believes. A dream may be something to look beyond the obvious.  

But a beautiful dream when pain rains on your body, making you toss and turn in bed and then finally slip into a deep slumber, it is like a coolant over you.  I found myself travelling a train that looked like a home on wheels, through a picturesque terrain. I found myself holding my breath at the beauty of nature, the hypnotic effect it had on me who was writhing in pain. It was the beauty of the day, the land through which I was travelling that held me in awe. 

What was striking is that they gave the impression of elusive beauty, with the misty clouds travelling alongside making you feel happy and giving a feel of having heard the melodious songs of all the beautiful birds. The mountains with all its mist, running alongside, wanting me to jump out of the train and trot to the top of the mountain to take a whiff of the fresh  misty air. The sun playing hide and seek, showing me the powerful rays pepping in through the clouds.

When I was lost to the nature surrounding me, I heard a man calling me and he came and sat beside me asking me about my pain. He suddenly asked me, “You smile even in your pain?” Then he quizzed “What is your only wish even in such a situation?” I told  my only wish today that was only growing stronger even in my pain, he smiled and just left with a smile saying, “So be it.”

I don’t know what dreams mean nor the interpretations of them, but I do believe in little blessings that come my way. And I find my happiness in it. Today's pains are forgotten tomorrow, but moments of joy remain a memory forever. I look forward to live every moment of my life fully with joy.

My daily rendezvous with nature as I glance into the sunset of life.

Sunsets are always magical. It is a miracle, medicine and a mystery. Some sunsets stand out vividly and gloriously in our memory, touching the very core of our life. Watching a sunset can be a healer of all your pains. On some days the sun’s rays, the clouds and the tints of the sky, holds you long enough that makes you so impressed that its influence is diffused through your heart. You may not have watched a sunset for a long time, or glanced at or gazed upon it or paid attention to ponder over it. Shakespeare says that sunsets are soft, tender and beautiful; it is what you need at the end of any day.  Nature hangs up a beautiful picture to cheer your hearts, giving a great splash of colors to create hope and joy. Sunset is a magical mystery. The sun is most beautiful on the horizon than over your heads. It is a mystery that a thing so resplendently beautiful is made of vibrations and dust particles and movement of vapor. The stupendous miracle is due to reflection, refraction, radiation and absorption, creating an array of colors in the sky.

There is a deep meaning in sunsets. It can relate to your life whether happy or sad. Every time you pass by and witness the ebbing sun, you gaze at it and feel consoled. Every sunset is different. The sun going down behind the clouds create a backdrop with an array of colors. The sky turns fiery red in the golden glow. It is a breathtaking sight to behold. A sunset is also connecting to the deeper part of you in an amazing way. Sometimes you are mesmerized by the rainbow colors the sun reflects when it is captured by the dark grey clouds. All the fluffy white clouds around it get the reflection of the rainbow colors and then they merge to become one. It is truly amazing to watch the curtain of twilight fall with an array of colors.

Actually the last third of life is known as sunset years. You can take in the brilliantly beautiful colors that the setting sun has on you and then the calmness and softness with which the sun sinks below the horizon. The sun’s energy and light doesn't go anywhere, it just goes away from our view. During sunset years too like the sunset, it is calm and peaceful, giving color and hope of a new day and a life with quiet dignity and wisdom. Like the retired years of life, the end of the day also is marked by sunset and twilight. It is again portrayed beautifully as a great time to reflect on life’s wonders, miracles and blessings. Watching the sunset is a pain killer, it gives confidence that a new day will dawn in a little while, making you feel that your life is colourfully filled with hope.

You have to admire the wonders of sunset.  They are always breathtaking. All those who have felt moved by sunset can get dumbstruck at the swirling colors that represent its  beauty. Just like these sunsets, some changes take time to develop, while others appear out of nowhere. You may not control the changes but you can learn to see the beauty in each contrast and color as in life. Sunsets are really not an end, but a beginning. It is a time to work and renew. Everything needs rest, time to time. A sunset is never a single color or same color. Every new shade adds to the beauty of the sunset. So is the unique story of your life and your unique gifts of life, which adds beauty to the world around you.  Always the sun dips in and reflects through the clouds hues of different bright colors and then the entire rainbow colors are there to lighten up the twilight sky. Make use of the now, just like your very unique existence. You have never been older nor will you become this young again. When sunset of life comes, each waning ray of light is a hope. Everyone has a sunset point in life. The sunset of life is not the end of your life. It is that quiet life in growing gracefully with age.

You can be mesmerized by the beautiful sunset, if you care to notice it. There is nothing more beautiful than a sunset at the end of a tiring day. The sun, partly covered with dark grey clouds turning into a red disk and dipping down behind those clouds, displaying a fiery red orb of light with threads of red shade lingering between the moving clouds is a breathtaking sight to take away all your pains of the day. If you stop to look at one of the most beautiful sights, that are overlooked, at the end of each day, you realize how breathtaking each sunset is. You do think about the sunset of life with a heart that is anchored with hope. The sun when it dips below the horizon, it is fleeting but one to be remembered forever.

The sunsets are sometimes landscapes of a heart or the whisper of a lonely heart. It is so magnificently moving, to the heart, soul and mind to see the sun caught up in a heart shaped mouth of a huge cloud and emanating yellow rays out, silhouetted in fluffy white clouds with pink hues.  It is just a yellow big ball that disappears behind dark grey clouds on another day, with the sky displaying different formations of the clouds and looking like a swarm of bees going in one direction and then the grey clouds that is considered drab and dull by many, spreading out white rays giving hope to the onlooker. The clouds are sometimes so majestic covering the sky with its fluffy wings as if it were never wings but an all conquering soul, making the sky and life beautiful.

There are days when the clouds are grey and the sun is just above such clouds. The clouds are grey when they are thick and almost black and when it is so they block most of the sun’s rays. The sun is a beautiful yellow ball with yellow rays spreading around it. Slowly it dips into the clouds with only a shade of yellow spreading around it. But as it disappears from view, beautiful white rays radiates in the sky and finally gets surrounded by clouds that parade the sky with an amber shade leaving one awe struck. One day it is a red ball, making us feel it is perched on a tree top, as the sky  displays a curtain of colors with hues of pink, white, yellow and then purple. The sky then lights up as the clouds around turns into a pinkish purple shade with rays of grey, pink and peach spreading across the sky giving a feeling of warmth spreading all over.  

The sunsets are  the hopes of your heart.  Watching one sunset is not like having seen all of them. It is different daily. It is like watching  the different perspectives and moods of the same sun. Sometimes it is a golden yellow ball of flame, slowly  it sets the clouds on fire, and then bursting into a widespread fire in the sky around it, showing nature's amazing artistry. It turns into a splashy palette of colors. It sometimes looks like a volcanic eruption in the sky. One of the most colorful time of the day, as the sun dips into the horizon, marking the end of the day with a spark of hope.  

As Dr. Seuss quotes: “Today is your day. Your mountain is waiting. So.....get on your way!” Life comes with all ups and downs and twists and turns. That’s life. Don’t let a day go by without enjoying in a little way. Take one step closer towards the most splendid and amazing sunset and it will illuminate your life when your mind is all set to shine in all your challenges. Then your life will be filled with beautiful sunsets. I look forward to my daily rendezvous with sunset and nature. I miss it one day, I feel as if I have missed something really important in my life. It is my healer and solace.  I love to take a glimpse of the sky ablaze and imprint  the memory of each sunset in my mind, as the sun glides down. I love the sunsets that are always magical and captivating my mind and heart, taking away all my pains and hurts of the day, healing me in many ways with a positive light that always helps me fight my troubles away. It fills me with a positive light with hope of another new day.  

"Behold the fading sun, a life's memory,
The sky ablaze in vibrant splendor,
A splashy palette of colors in final glow,
The fiery sun dipping in grey blanket,
Displaying nature's amazing artistry,
Unfolding  a magical curtain of colored clouds,
To usher in a beautiful moonlit night."

Some lone battles in the journey of life.

Thoughts are the seeds of your action and thoughts are what make you what you are. It is  simply an indication of our life on the whole, in its flow. It is how you stand up against adversities and face it. It is said that if there is light in the soul, there is beauty in it. Sometimes in life's journey you have to walk it alone. It is not that your loved ones are not with you, it is just because some battles in life have to be fought on your own. You have to walk it alone because only you know what it is to fight out the cells that tend to gnaw every now and then into the healthy tissues of your body. In a fight against life, no matter what it hands you out of the blue, you need to be strong and face it head on.

When life gifted me with a triple negative cancer, I was prepared to face the recurrences and fight it out with a never give up attitude. At times the body does become weak, making you quite vulnerable. It is  a long emotional fight with yourself. If you let that feeling take an upper hand, then it victimizes you. It is a lone battle that you have to fight on your own. Instead of becoming a victim of the pain, win it out and live life with a legacy. It may mean fighting with your mind and body, but if there is an inner drive in you to fight it out against all odds, then half your battle is won. It is not a fantasy of life but a stark reality. In life's journey your true courage and personality come out when you have nothing to lose; and your only choice is to face the situation with a smile. There is a 'can' in "cancer', because you can beat it.

I read somewhere a quote - "When you are down and out remember this: That the sun rises for you to give you light, the trees take in your carbon dioxide just so it can give you oxygen and the rain falls to cool you down. Why give up when nature has faith in you?" How true it is. Why give up just like that, when the actual power lies within you to heal yourself with your inner strength? Why stress yourself? Why let others stress you out? Adversities make you strong, it is the journey of the unknown which gives you real strength and the will to face any challenges in life. It is that positive drive in you which weakens even the cells that come to invade the very core of your life. When you are in a lone battle with the creeping crab, it is a life of constant learning, a constant fight with the one which has come to hack your life.

Life sometimes turns out to  be different and also cruel. It may not be things that you wanted to happen. But from that life too you can gain everything you want instead of wallowing in self pity. There is a positive side of learning whatever you may go through in life. You can find happiness and peace in many ways in spite of what you are going through in life, that destiny itself cannot explain. You can find joy in many things even when you are constantly fighting with pain. Your fight with the unknown ways of cancer shows you, how precious and fragile life is. It is like vapor, here today, but gone tomorrow. As long as you are alive, live life fully without moaning about everything.

The wear and tear of your system, sometimes lands you with lot of problems. Though a human body has its own defense mechanisms, time and again you end up going through lot of surgeries and the post operative pains. Every organ of your body is sometimes threatened in more than one way. The biggest and unknown battle of life is the invasion of cancer cells in your body. The  trauma of the surgery, the aftereffects and the pain is like a non ending battle, that you have to fight alone. No one knows what you are going through, hence a lone battle that is fought with your own body both physically and psychologically. The minute you give in to the pain, your battle is lost forever. You have to fight it out every living moment of your life. But at the end of that long tunnel of trauma, when you come out victorious with a smile, you feel that it was worth putting up with all the pains. A lone battle that you fought with yourself enduring all the physical pain and the psychological power to heal yourself in spite of all the challenges. Never let life during any illness, make you regret about the life you lived life before that,  but let it be a dream about the life you will live after you have conquered it.

I  prefer to live a full life, even if my life was a roller coaster ride with lots of ups and downs, twists and turns, not knowing the speed nor what's next - a drop, a sudden turn or a climb over a steep hill. I choose to live without fear , allowing my life to open with an inner power and strength to be a glowing torch, always lighting a fire in the heart to face the unknown with courage and patience. Life always kept me on my toes, being hit by something unexpected, sometimes an emotion, a bruise, a scar  and always many challenges. It is that real life experiences which made me, what I am today, no matter what the battle. It is the mental attitude that makes or breaks life.  Never rent life from others. Fight your own battles, even if you have to fight it out alone. Walk the journey of life with courage, breathe with a strong will and determination on your own. Let your grit and perseverance propel you forward in life. Face everything with hope and courage, challenge it till it leaves you,  lift your spirits when you feel weak and soar high with all your strength and life's energy.

I am thankful for the little mercies God bestows on me, in everything I go through. I find immense joy in little things around me. Being a born fighter I don't like to give in to any pain, but fight it out daily just because it makes me lively and energetic. Life taught me from a very young age to fight my own battles and be my own fortress and power of strength. Why cancer cells invade my body time and again is still an unknown truth - may be it is genetic. Even doctors don't have an answer. The unknown has forever intrigued me and never created a fear in me. I have learned one fact of life and that is never to give in, but to be a born fighter always. In spite of all these battles, I know one day I have to go away from this world. But I will be happy to have fought all my battles as a warrior and never  a victim. Life is always beautiful and it is the unknown that keeps me going.I was, am and will be a tower of strength to my loved ones. I know that I would always be that glowing ember, the one smoldering forever, even in the ashes.

My love story with the creeping crab.

As I look back on my journey of life, I realize that 2014 May, I celebrate my  cancer anniversary(Cancerversary). It marks the survival of me despite the pain, poking, discomforts, transformations and transmutations. The completion of an important, yet difficult phase of life that was absolutely meaningful.

Though I knew about the traumatic nature of the creeping crab, I chose to look at it as a journey of love, making use of all the tools that kept me positive. I never wanted to use the terms poison or deadly and chose to take all the procedures and treatment as a learning process and as a light of love.  I considered it as a gift to make a deep connection to myself and the value of life; the spirit that took hold of me in a positive way. There started my love story with the creeping crab, that came in the form of breast cancer.

My only aim in life became to capture the essence of any given moment, and make it a significant milestone of life. Even after all the chemo's and radiations,  the creeping crab was reluctant to leave me. It was all set to invade my tissues time and again, in the form of the suspicious looking atypical cells, that tend to act like cancerous cells. I felt that the creeping crab was madly in love with my body, but the born fighter in me was not willing to budge a wee bit. Sounds cruel and crude, but an ironical truth.

After two years of the love journey, it came back yet again threatening to seek vengeance. When I was being stripped down the layers of tissues physically, I realized the validity of my spirits that made me positive and felt very tender and joyful. First time I started loving the creeping crab, that made me what I am today - stronger and with more courage. I knew that it was embracing the unknown, accepting the unbelievable and then celebrating all the milestones - that of all surgeries, scans and the scars.

Sometimes life is all about taking a deep breath and pausing; then listening. It means continuing my fight with courage, renewed strength, by nourishing and taking care of myself. It also made me value  life and I  feel a kind of gratitude towards cancer, for allowing myself to shine and celebrate myself. The residuals, insights, moments of recurrences, FNAC's, the threat of atypical cells and the whole process marks the cancerversary as the ultimate and unique love story of my life - that with myself and cancer. It is always a bitter-sweet plot of life's journey.

Like many other love stories, my journey with cancer started in a fight and ended up falling in love with it, for what it made me realize, the importance of life, relationships, family and then my priorities in life. I was thrown head first into the world of cancer and accepted it with grace and courage. It is a love story, simply because something beautiful emerged out of that struggle and journey to survive, grow and shine with a positive radiance. Every person touched with cancer will have a story to narrate.

Today, after going through a second mastectomy, I feel that cancer, the creeping crab did make a drastic change, making me always positive, grabbing the odds and hurling them back to say try me again. It is a love/hate story of fear for some, but for some it is a love story, that made them survive against all odds. Though it does try to scare with suspicious looking cells, the fighter in me prepared for anything, a veteran as I am jokingly called, gives a tough time , instead of it giving me scary days. Isn't my love story interesting? After going through so much pain, the scars,  bruises, and all the trials,  I still feel, "Wow, I made it fighting all odds." I really feel triumphant that I made it with a smile. They say the scarred tissues are much stronger than the regular tissues. May be an after effect of the strong willed perseverance.

"The creeping crab does make you  realize what loss is, makes you fight and find your way out from the depths. You learn to appreciate life and that understanding fills you with an empathy; a deeper concern for the value of life. It is when the very core of your life is threatened, you realize the value of being alive and each day you wake up a blessing. It is then you look at the small things that gives you joy and count the little blessings being sent your way. It teaches you to believe in that which can cure the briefness of life, for there is no remedy for mortality. You learn to continue your belief in your doctors, the treatment, decisions; and most importantly yourself and your strength to endure. You learn to appreciate and enjoy every single day fighting all the negatives to stay positive."

I was a rebel, am a rebel and will continue being a rebel. And cancer made me stay a rebel forever. As Jim Valvano quoted, "Cancer can take away all my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch my soul." I am a born fighter and will remain one against all odds.

The twilight glow of my life.

Twilight is the light between day and night; the illumination of the sky by the scattering sunlight at sunset. Twilight is that time of the day between daylight and darkness, when the sky is diffused with many colors, but often pinkish. It is that time of day that is important for a lot of reasons to many people. The sun dips below the horizon and its scattered rays creates a magical curtain of colors in the sky. The soft glowing light and hues of the sky when the sun disappears causing  a reflection of the sun's rays in the atmosphere to give out many colors, that's awe inspiring.

The sunset is different each day. But the magic it creates daily is something that is amazing. The twilight colors attract the eye. The diffused light from the sky when the sun sets and the colors that it refracts give lovely hues, making it beautiful with the fading sun,before the fall of night. Each day it gives a different experience. Sometime the twilight is grey with hues of pink, but the grandeur it gives with different shaded clouds spreading across the sky making you spellbound. With the magical tints that harmonize the sky, twilight drops the curtains of colors down to pin it up with a shining star. It is a transition of day and night, revealing the magic in it and in the daily moments of life.

As quoted by Howard Thurman "Twilight - a time of pause when nature changes her guard. All living things would fade and die from too much light or too much darkness, if twilight were not there."  Twilight is the fading away of light or vigor as you grow older and it is also the mystery of life. In  the twilight  of life, may be energy starts dwindling, but some people never wane in life, they may become less energetic. It is the attitude towards life that consequently decides what the twilight years holds for you.  Let it not eclipse your life completely.

The word "Twilight" has always attracted me, so also the twilight that comes twice between day and night. It is the twilight after sunset, before the darkness falls  that captivates my heart and soul.  As quoted by Ralph Fletcher in the book, ' Twilight comes twice,'  "it stays only for a short time, while day and night, stand whispering their secrets, before they go their separate ways." Twilight is the glow of life which promises you before darkness sets in that it doesn't last long and the sun will rise again with another twilight of hope to bring light in your life. The challenges and struggles in life too are not permanent. So when darkness falls in life, think of all the light that radiates in your life and look forward to the new day. There is nothing in life that spreads permanent darkness, but you need the will to tide over it. It is all in the mind and  your attitude towards life's challenges.

Everyone must have marveled at the magnificence  of the sunrise and sunset. The twilight sky inspires awe even when it is devoid of clouds, but the most memorable ones are those with the clouds that catch the colors of the setting sun and reflects it to the ground. It is the clouds that make the twilight more eye-catching producing vivid  colors, making it spectacular with the lovely hues it reflects from the sunlight. It is when the sun disappears behind dark grey clouds, the best colors are reflected by the white fluffy clouds above. It reflects all the colors of the rainbow in each cloud above and they merge together to make the most wonderful and spectacular sight one could ever witness. I wondered when I witnessed it, why the grey clouds were considered drab and dull by many, when the light of the fading sun reflected such beautiful colors from them.

Fighting the blues in the twilight of life, makes me feel alive and I fight the challenges of my life. Life is unknown, so is the twilight of your life. But I find my glow of life in the twilight.  To make it amazing, is in your hands by reflecting the positive rays of life and overcoming all the challenges that life throws at you.

Living through the Ultimate Truth of Life's Losses.

To grow up is a weird option to wrap your mind around your heart. As you go through your journey of life, your perspectives on everything hangs around you. The odds in life become pretty high. "Face the odds, crack and cripple them, not your life. Eventually you can juggle with them as juggling with the odds is a powerful tool of life. Every man has to juggle on the roller coaster of life facing gains, uncertainties, all types of pain and losses. Though juggling is an art of expertise, it teaches to juggle and walk through the pain and losses of life with our full potential. An art of the mind and body, to rule over the heart maintaining a balance between the heart and the mind. 

The most difficult aspect of life is to cope with LOSS, be it any type of loss, that life gives you. As you grow up and mature in life,  you realize that every man on earth gets the share of suffering and loss; but it all depends on how you face it and overcome it. Many always have the habit of quantifying things. It is a fact of life that the matters of the mind and heart, cannot be weighed, and no man can in reality go through another's pain or loss because it all depends on the attitude and emotional quotient. The day life is compared to another's, it is doomed and then what happens is, it becomes useless. That comparison hampers everything in life. 

The day you accept that loss is an inevitable factor of life, just as life itself, then it is easy to accept it and and move on in life. No one can fill up the void created by a loss, but a strength can be derived from it to bear it. It is not easy to accept the inevitable, it needs courage. The ultimate truth is no one can escape a loss, pain or trauma, it depends on your attitude how you face it. You have more strength than you can really comprehend. All the losses you have endured and overcome are touchstones of your life. 

The loss of all feminine parts can be the most traumatic for a woman. But it is really not a loss if it is taken as  a removal of that which threatens Life. Why not take it as a removal of that which has served its purpose in every sense of it and not one that hampers your physical appearance. It may sound crude, but is it not a fact. If you sit and mourn and lament over it, life may be only a time to do that, for a person who has seen only challenges in life.  If you learn to take life as it comes, challenge the odds straight on its face, and come out as a warrior with a smile. 

Sometimes my writings may sound ridiculous. Few say it is a show off of positive attitude, that is not in me but posed by me, but it is a fight I have been going through from the time I can remember. I  write all that  I experience. I dare to stay alive and positive in spite of all that I have gone through without dramatizing it to the world.  I don't care what people think of me or talk about me, it is my life and they have no idea of what my journey of life has been like, what  challenges I have gone through or still going through. I have seen, experienced and withstood all the losses of life. 

I have always believed in the ultimate truth of life and everything depends on your attitude towards life. "Life is a question, nobody can answer it. Death is an answer nobody can question it." But death is no answer to run away from life, that is a question. You have to live it, face it and finally emerge a veteran warrior. When you can hide a pain with your smile, then you can rule over your heart with  sheer grit and perseverance of your mind. 

I dare to bear .....the multifaceted pain.

“Always rely on a happy mind alone…. A controlled mind will remain calm and happy no matter what the conditions.”

This quote made me think of the pain and challenges in my life. A way to embrace pain, not by giving in to it. But by fighting and enduring it with a strong will. First time after so many surgeries complained of pain to the doctors, who were surprised. I found myself asking if it was the age or my endurance that was the culprit. I found my family doctor who has seen my journey of life as a friend, confidante and doctor smiling at my question.

Physical pain has to be endured and fought with, at least that is what fifty five years of experience with pain taught me. And the last thing I would do is rant and rave about it. Sometimes even when you find others rejoicing at your pain, I dare to smile in that pain. And knowing I accepted this pain with intention, when I could have avoided it.

When I spend whole day and night trying to do things that make me happy,  I find pain taking an upper hand and even my smiles show it out. But the fighter in me is not one to give in to it. I decided to fight it out with my words,  a smiley stress ball, crawling on the wall and counting on my fingers. Sounds childish. But I enjoy it.  Those are the exercises for my hand and fingers that I do throughout the day, to keep myself occupied and to recuperate my hand that has been robbed of its lymph nodes. So told my pain to hang itself because I know that it is the very biological function that makes us thrive and survive. It is also the alarm bell that warns.

It is easy to give in, be defeated and become a victim.....which is like suicide. But I dare to bear......and bare the pain as a warrior.Life is beautiful for only those who know how to celebrate the pain. Enjoy this time, every moment is precious in life.

As Norbet Platt quotes, "The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thoughts, this in turn makes us think deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium."

A Longing heart in the tree of life.

Love, affection and care, is a many-splendored one that gives a throbbing feeling when you don't get it back. It may be a torture on your soul always if you take it that way and a feeling of completely,  hopelessly, desperately loving, all the while knowing it will never be returned,  one which makes the heart ache, but gives you joy of going through that agony. The pangs of unreturned affection never really dies....it goes into hiding in a remote corner of your heart.

Longing for lost affection, love and care is as futile as searching for the sun after sunset. The unrequited love, one I have known from the very age I learnt what  love really means ,is  loving someone so much, even knowing it will never be returned. It is an unselfish, unconditional feeling that makes you love someone with no motive behind it. It craves only for the well being of that person, without invading the privacy and happiness of someone.  It is never a fantasy of life.

Love is  the greatest feeling in the world. It does make your heart race, makes you feel like being on top of a mountain ,  walking on the misty air with a whiff of the cold breeze caressing you. . Unfortunately, just when you think your feet may never touch the ground, you can find yourself being crushed, by a sweet agony and an intense longing of that unrequited love. It is a chemistry that doesn't work, not because you are not worthy nor the other person reciprocating, it just leaves a sweet lull if you have loved right.  Love, affection, care, these are things money cannot buy. 

The unrequited love, care, affection, being a beautiful multi spendoured feeling is neither physical nor psychological, it is an emotional one with a lot of sentiments attached. Never is it a confusion of need, nor an obsession. Love is never possessively obsessive. Love is never a fantasy to find someone or something that is missing in your life.  A unrequited love is that burning flame of love hidden somewhere which wants only the best of everything for a person, with no selfish motives. The first love and pain experienced always hides in the corner of your heart, which is that aching sweet agony you always remember.

Any bond of life can get an unrequited feeling, when the yardsticks are different for all. That too gives an aching and longing, but always a sweet one. While nothing beats the burst of happiness that true mutual love can give you, nothing can feel as painful as experiencing unrequited love. But obsessive limerence is dangerous. One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter.  The heart is full, leave it to overflow on its own silently. It heals you of all pains endured.As Washington Irving quoted, " Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart."

“If my love were an ocean, there would be no more land. 

If my love were a desert, you would see only sand. 
If my love were a star- late at night, only light. And if my love could grow wings, I’d be soaring in flight.”
Jay Asher. 

When pain rains in your life, you realize the value of life itself.

It is an irony of life, that sometimes you realize the value of pampering  yourself for all the sacrifices made in life and all the pains endured, when it is rather too late to mend the overworked body. Still it gives a sense of satisfaction that the mind, soul and body, was used, misused and abused at times, for the welfare   and happiness of the loved ones. 

When you are on a journey of life,  accommodating others and neglecting the redressing of your own needs, then the body revolts on its own, before you could even realize it. It is then a revolution of the 'You' challenging you to look at it with a different perspective. Anything and everything  needs to balance itself, to walk the tight rope of life, be it even your own self.

Life is really worth more than valuing, feeling inadequate or wallowing in self pity looking for a shoulder to cry upon. It is the real pain in life that makes you realize that life is the most valuable commodity. A life is never dependent on another. It is an entity by itself. The psychological, emotional and physical pain, all these depend only on one person and that is "YOU." A very late realization that a man comes all alone to this world, and you have only yourself to heal, inspire, motivate and rejuvenate.  Every man is lonely, even when many loved ones are around you. Only YOU can heal your own pains and it is foolishness to look forward for emotional empathy. The day this realization comes, you are at peace with yourself. 

The best healer in any pain is the nature surrounding you. A lover of nature always, I realized its impact and healing capacity on me, after the creeping crab invaded my body. The magical sunset, the sky, the clouds, river, sea, mountains, trees , rains and cloudy skies; everything around me brought happiness and I considered them the little blessings sent my way. I found a childish joy in getting drenched in the rain,allowing the raindrops to fall on my face to heal me. I felt a kind of childish excitement while digging my toes into the sand when the playful waves caressed my feet.  It was like feeling myself energized when I could take in a whiff of the fresh misty air on the top of the mountains. 

The first time I was robbed of an organ, making me less feminine in appearance, I had not known what was in store for me, neither the pain nor the trauma. Living through it was nothing short of a penance of life. Even after coming out of that which seemed a never ending tunnel, I still had the sword of Damocles hanging over my head, in the form of another lump. The born fighter in me fought against all odds of life. Always felt it is these challenges and pains that kept me alive, taught me the value of my life and me. 

When life gave me the creeping crab as company, the triple negative one that was most aggressive, I had prepared myself for a long battle. Today I have become a veteran in the eyes of my loved ones and my doctors, who helped me fight my battle. But it is really the one battling through all the trauma who does, through sheer grit and courage. When my lump was always painful, the oozing fluid and blood landed me yet again in the most sophisticated cave. I had started my battle once again. When the suggestion of the lumpectomy was given, I opted for the mastectomy, knowing very well what was in store for me. I wanted the removal of that which threatened me with invasion of the creeping crabs. Pain rained on me, but I realized the value of LIFE. It is these pains that keeps me grounded and feel alive to fight out the challenges. 

It was then I realized how we take life for granted. How we hesitate to take the right decisions of life, letting the heart rule over the mind. Life is always a battle between the mind and heart. I rebel and question with my mind, all that the heart tries to dictate. You suffer silently for those who can uproot the very foundation of life, neglecting your loved ones. If ever I wanted to be happy, that depended solely on me. "Every man walks a lonely path in the journey of life, as you have only yourself in life and nobody else. All those who are with you are your co-passengers who go off, when they reach their destination. You are your own sole companion, solace, healer, inspiration and rejuvenation. 

I am just like any one else, a normal human being. But I am a born fighter. I have a strong fortress of strength , courage and positive attitude. Like anything in this life, the seasons do threaten to weaken it time and again. I try and garnish them with the natural ingredients to see that it doesn't crumble or wither away. My biggest asset is my "Never give up" stand that I have taken all along my life that had always been a long winding path with lots of hair pin bends and my "Positive attitude."

"Even when pain lashes out at me testing my patience and fortitude,
I DARE to burn, even when I turn to ashes."