Life with Positive Pain.

"Life is beautiful for only those..... Who know how to celebrate pain visiting their way." Read this under a breathtaking click. That really struck me like lightening. I realized how true it is.

A thought that keeps coming across in my mind, is the acceptance of pain. It seems a general opinion that when you accept pain as a constant in your life, you can stop ‘fighting’ it and learn to manage it, allowing you to focus on other things of life. I struggle with the fact, that this might be something I need to clear in my mind. My instinct is to fight pain. Acceptance of any pain, be it physical or psychological, seems like giving in to it.... It means giving up thoughts of continuing to grow. Just accepting the pain and living on, which is like giving in to the pain.

It is like becoming a victim of that pain. You are accepting pain as a constant in your life, accepting it, but not ‘fighting’ it and learning to just manage it. You are allowing it to focus on other things, which is the general belief. But accepting pain is like giving in to that pain, but fighting it out is what really keeps you alive and positive.

Sometimes it is an unique pain, an experience that life gives you to deal with and fight it out. Sometimes it is psychological, when it is a hurt like an open wound, that gets rubbed with salt to make it more deep. Sometimes you think, as to what made it like that, but then you, suddenly realize that it is you, yourself who brought it to that level. Your mind says that you have brought it on yourself. Yes, it is a bitter truth that you have to accept, that you have to rise above all these pains, by fighting it out and bring peace within yourself. you have only yourself to blame, if someone is capable of inflicting pain on you, because you allowed them to do it.

When you are experiencing intense pain, just on the other side of the suffering is really an intense connection with life, having a body and feeling sensations. It is a proof of life, in itself. You have just, got one life to live, and if you spend the painful and challenging moments wishing that we were somewhere else, we lose part of the journey, don’t we? You really get to know how beautiful life is, when you have over all the challenges and pains that life gives, and we face life again with a smile that challenges the pain, that life gives us. 

It is easy to retaliate on others for the pain you face or feel. But in quiet contemplation, you realize that only you have brought it upon yourself, you have the power to succumb to it or come out of it with a smile......the power lies in you...it is in every one. Just ignore the retaliation, knowing within yourself, that it will be understood one day or the other, that pain is the same for everyone. So if you treat every pain that you go through, be it physical or psychological, as a positive one, something to learn from, some experience that is new, you also find that fighting it out is in you, the inner strength that helps you to come out of it by fighting it out.

I have been blessed with the time, energy, and resources to find people who can gently and lovingly support me on a path to wholeness. And I am grateful for the pain, because it calls me home. It reminds me that I have unfinished business to attend to, it reminds me that I could inspire another soul in pain and it always lets me feel that I am alive to see another beautiful day. Life is always beautiful, whether it is with pain or without pain.

I don't know where life may take me the next second, but I can choose not to allow pain to overcome myself as I walk towards what will be my journey. I feel I have grown and aged more as a person, have more resilience towards pain and painful situations of life. And I am ever grateful that I am able to celebrate the 'Positive side of Life', in spite of all that has happened and is happening in my life.

“Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.”―Bernice Johnson Reagen.

The give and take of life.

"Life is give and take, we open up our heart and hold onto trust. If we don't give and take in our everyday life; then we have nothing to aspire for, give and take is a gift of life." Life is always a give and take of all that goes on around us. This doesn't mean the materialistic things of life, but the non materialistic aspect of day to day living. It is an irony of life, we always feel that the grass is greener on the other side. This may be because we start comparing or the negative thinking that may have seeped in. Even life's compromises are based on a give and take. But there can never be any give and take on the fundamentals of life because any compromise on it is like surrendering to life, which is a concept of "all takes and no gives."

 When we love unbiased, life bestows us with a goodness in nature. That doesn't mean a weakness of character, it is in real a strength of mind. But that always tends to be taken for granted. The compassion lets us go through life with a 'give and take' attitude, but never one that should be seen as one to play upon. Compassion, should be a priority shown first to the one you are living with because that is what it takes to make it go through life; with a complete understanding and also saving an awful lot of resentment towards life. That deep understanding is very much needed in day to day life. It is not love, if we do not know how to give and take in life.

Our daily life transactions become a big zero if we fail to lay stress upon a plus and a minus. Life actually ends the day we start comparing our life, happiness and satisfaction in real life. Before we compare and complain, it is good to introspect ourselves to analyse if we have given our hundred percent effort towards life.

Life is really very simple, if only we learn to strike the right note and a little "give and take" along. But a word of caution is, let it not be a tendency to become selfish. A real loving relationship of life's 'give and take', is one where there is no selfish motives. A thorough introspection of daily life, can make us find ways to get means of finding fulfillment in life, by seeking ways to find happiness around us.Learn to adjust and compromise not by surrendering to the situation, but by understanding it and finding ways to improve it.There is another side to it too..one getting exploited or used .even that should not be allowed .. one should not permit others to take you for granted either ..the balance should be maintained with the give and take in the right proportion ..it should not be an 'all give' or an 'all take '. Maintain a balanced one, though difficult as things are not equal always, but not impossible. Everyone has strengths and personality traits, that play into the 'give and take' of life.

 Sometimes, we have the time and patience to give a patient hearing to someone, but not even a slight inkling of what living with us, wants to say or may be going through at that point of time. A 'give and take', is never ever equal, but the effort could be our best. Sometimes it needs an 'extra' effort to bring balance into life, and that will be the most rewarding phase of life. In today's fast paced world,life styles and changing values, it is that "extra effort", that is missing. It may be due to the changing outlook towards life or the social networks. But there is a dissolution of relationships, even before giving it that 'extra effort' to maintain a balance.

However, the give and take of life has also become hard to be defined, but it could also be a signal that a problem needs to be discussed and worked through. A gentle change in the 'routine of relationship', could do wonders and leave one wondering at the miraculous ways of spicing it up. Sometimes we tend to give all our attention to those around us, that we fail to see the loneliness of the one who is always with us in life. The ones taking care of our every little need daily. The ones praying and looking forward for us daily. We take for granted and fail to see that one person......that's the irony of life.....Seeing and understanding the pain and loneliness of others, but not the one sitting next to us always in daily life, waiting for a smile or a loving gaze.

The Power Of Baring Minimums

A beautiful click posted on my wall with the caption "I bare my minimums", haunted me the whole day. A click and caption that made me think of the depth in the simple but captivating caption. It was after a lot of thinking, I suddenly realized what it meant by “I bare my minimums in a positive way. It is the power of baring your minimums, which means I express only what I want to show you.  

 The power of ‘bare minimums’, is a daring act of confidence in being oneself, by just revealing what you want others to know.  It is just as simple as it...to bare the minimums or anything to bare minimum.... It is a dig into the daring side of life. Something about a person being sure of oneself...in spite of all the flaws life gives with its challenges. I would say, it is the way of showing oneself in the minimum way without any facade.

 Sometimes the day to day life, one tends to go on with an acceptance of whatever comes in a submissive way, without fighting out, worried about the consequences. Does it help in any way? It doesn't for a person who likes to question everything with a why? How? When? One has to have the confidence in life, knowing what is happening in life, to you, by you or for you. You crave for a need to fight out all the odds and fears of the unknown to accept what one is without any pretence of any sort.  It is then you start baring the maximum.

 It takes a lot of courage to think positive and accept oneself, and show the world what you are. Sometimes fate gives such blows, that you are robbed of your very identity. It is no use projecting yourself as someone you are not. You need confidence in yourself, your affections, your warmth, by being a person of worth. Having belief in the worth of oneself and showing it out needs courage. You may not have riches, you may not have cars, a house that you own, but without a facade owning it needs courage.

 It may be a daring act to think, I can bare my minimums.....but baring minimums is showing only the acts that could be taken in any way, any sense.....but fact is that it shows the world, I am not afraid to let the world know, what I am, what I show them.  It is a contrast in itself baring minimum and maximum. When you bare your minimum, you don’t show the vulnerable side of you....the paradox of vulnerability surfaces when you bare maximums.  It is a thin, precarious border that exists between the two. A unique juxtaposition of action and reason.

The ebb and flow of life.

Sometimes, you wake up with a feeling of low spirits for no apparent reason. You start wondering why. It may be a subtle feeling of discouragement you feel, when you are feeling worn out. Or it could be a combination of an unknown thought of the subconscious mind. The fact is that there is an ebb and flow to life. There are highs and lows, sweet and bitter, may be a gray or sunny day, but all these are tiny packages of our day to day life. If it were only sunshine, we would get bored of it. It may be a feeling that crept in, due to many reasons, that you are unable to figure out. 

 You don't want to let that feeling linger on and spoil your day. You try to resist it and immediately try to fix it. You can let it hit you, experience it fully by sinking into it and then slowly coming out of it. You have to learn facing those feeling, by writing about them, talking about them or even laughing at them. The more we resist it, it enslaves you. Try to acknowledge the feelings and learn to get out of it, by experiencing it and then shaking out of it. 

 More than anything, make it an opportunity to love yourself more ,love whatever you are doing, and all that you hold close to your heart. Learn to accept what is “normal” and practice accepting the highs, the lows and everything in between. It might be an insight to what you have been going through and that narrow line between, to balance your life. Life is always, one thing after another. The key word here is understanding and making a striking balance. When some thought comes to haunt you, try to think of all the positive things it could give. Trying to get a sense of balance and harmony at some point, in any aspect of life will soon turn to disharmony and loss of balance; if you try to hold on and freeze that moment forever. It is foolishness to do it and will lead to only pain and suffering. To a sense of self pity and negativity. 

 The waves,they come in, break and recede. Then they roll on in again. Instead of fighting and being tumbled painfully ashore, feel the waves coming and ride them out. Rarely, you find yourself resting peacefully on tranquil waters gazing at the glassy reflection of beauty. Seldom does life give us the change "to be" without any challenges. Life is something that ebbs and flows. The turbulent waters never bestow restlessness, but reveal darkest recesses of our heart that has gone unnoticed or ignored for far too long. The transitions and challenges of life are indispensable. 

 It requires little effort to perceive the joys of life as a contribution to personal blessings, but it is much more difficult to perceive the opportunities of joy in the turbulent waters of life. To be human does not mean simply to receive what life hands us. To be human is to actively assert one’s own self onto life's challenges to make it a unique one.

"Picture Perfect"

"Living photography is positive in its approach, 

it sings a song of life - not death." - Berenice Abbott

"A picture is worth a thousand words". Whenever I read this quote, 

it puts my mind in deep thought, wondering at the truth in it. 

A picture can say a lot. I don't know the technicalities of photography. 

For me a photograph is beautiful,when it pleases my heart and soul. 

An appreciation for simple things or an eye for beauty. 

I don't look at the way it is taken, or the hues and colors, or anything else. 

When I see a photograph, what attracts me is the beauty in it, what it depicts and then the way I connect to it. Sometimes a photograph may be beautiful, but beyond that it doesn't speak out anything. It just goes blank in the mind. You cannot visualize anything beyond that. However much you try, you cannot find anything that catches your eye. 

Here, I would like to quote a friend, that the photograph is for the viewers to analyze or penalize it. A photograph can convey a lot of things, if you are able to connect to it. It can convey just a valid meaning, or a long story itself. The appreciation is for the unique ones that conveys a different story to each person who views it. It depends on the mental attitude of the one who views it. It has a depth in it, that makes you want to dive into it, to look for all the possible analysis it can give you. It makes you want to write a story about it. All the words come out so fluently, when you start describing it. 

 When we focus a camera to click a photograph, we just look for the best. The outcome may be a picture perfect photograph, that says a beautiful story or a story of self pity and remorse. It depends on the attitude we take towards life. Life is like a camera and the shots we take are the efforts we take in life; Focus on what's important, capture the good times, develop from the negatives and if it goes wrong...Take another shot. We always learn to do better. Not just get into a remorse and leave it. The one who gives his best, gets the best shot, with an eye for reality that is natural. And the best ones are those in black and white.

You may see a lot of breathtaking photos but can never connect to it. It is not the 'know-how' of photography that attracts a man to a photograph but the simplicity, the realistic and natural image it portrays and makes a common man connect  to it. Sometimes you are left gazing at a photograph in awe wondering if  it is the caption or the photograph that is captivating and if they are complementing the other. Some photographs make you smile, some make you  sigh, and some you can just look at it for hours! Sometimes a photograph can make you write a story and can be depicted the way the viewer thinks of it

 As quoted by Ansel Adams,“You don't make a photograph just with a camera. You bring to the act of photography all the pictures you have seen, the books you have read, the music you have heard, the people you have loved.” It becomes a "A photograph that is worth a thousand words. "A photograph doesn't teach you to express your emotions, it teaches you to see and what the human eye observes casually or curiously, the eye of the camera notes and captures. 

“What I like about photographs is that they capture a moment that’s gone forever, impossible to reproduce.” ― Karl Lagerfeld

An unforeseen bond

Bonding is simple enough, but not always easy; it can happen but may not; and, as wondrous as it is, it is also unexplained in many ways. Sometimes There seems to be a deep, unexplained connection, which leaves us confused. it may be an instant bonding which leaves us asking why, what and when, we feel as if it is a feeling of knowing someone with our heart and soul; from the past life.

 It cannot be explained in words, it is a feeling that leaves us with a train of thoughts. An unseen one, who has touched your heart and soul. Someone whom you have not looked into the face, but been embraced by warmth of their being. An unseen friend who is more like a son, whose eyes can gaze at the heart and soul, and you are left in awe and wonder. One whom you can feel like a welcome breeze that comes to give you solace on a hot summer day, life a whiff of mist that surrounds to soothe the raging fire in the heart.

 When we sometimes get acquainted, we feel that there is something that attracts you to a person. There is no explanation to that feeling. It is said that if you are able to explain, it is just a liking.....because you like something in that person. But a pure affection and care has no explanation. It has no relevance to distance or age. You just find happiness in their happiness, a care and warmth so special that they become a part of your day to day life.

The little things you do gives immense happiness. Time mysteriously takes us to the threshold of missing another, leaving us flabbergasted at the unseen bond. An unseen bond, that's for keeps, as you feel that they have become a member of your family. Someone that time brought from nowhere, and leaves you wondering about it. Someone who has become a part of you, your family and an immense blessing in every way.   A bond of solely the heart and the soul, that of a mom and son, which gives you peace and tranquility.

Analytical conclusions.

Read, think analyze and then react......time and again......we are reminded to retrospect on that subject.  When we read a story, a poem or a note on something, we just superficially read it and then make our own conclusions. Do we stop to think about what, we have read and allow it to sink into us, feel that....  Comprehend what we had read and then analyze it. Many of us hardly do it. 

Sometimes we do connect to it, keeping aside the underlying depth and meaning of what we had read. We go off track to what had connected it to us. Then we draw a conclusion. But are we doing justice to the writer? We just throw in our queries and draw our own conclusions. It is said that a good writer, makes the reader think....and leaves them confused after reading. It doesn't leave our minds that easily. It returns to haunt us....the words keep churning in our minds. And we realize  the actual underlying meaning and depth of those words.

A friend of mine always says.....the stories, poems or notes once written and placed before public, it is at the disposal of the readers to make their own analytical conclusions. The writer deftly plays with the words to make a beautiful creation. It is then placed before the readers. Some just read it for the fun of it. Some understand the superficial meaning of it. Some brush aside the subject and the object. Some strip it apart. Some really sink into the articulately placed words and fish out the depth and meaning of it. Everyone connects to it and that shows the calibre of the writer.

As I was just analyzing all this, I realized with wonder, how well all these connects to our day to day life. Sometimes it makes us jump into conclusions. It is just superficially brushed aside because we want to churn only in the happiness it gives. Whatever life places before us, we want only that which gives happiness. We never try to sink into it and analyze it. We don't like to go to the depth of life and find a glowing light there, that can lead us to real meaning of life. 

Just as we place words.....we place our life on the threshold of all challenges and vulnerability. It is we, who have to analyze it and chaff out what is in the core of it. We can become a victim to it or emerge a winner.  It is our attitude towards it that gets us the connects and we conclude  analytically..... 

As Pablo Neruda quotes "The books that help you most are those which make you think the most. The hardest way of learning is that of easy reading; but a great book that comes from a great thinker is a ship of thought, deep freighted with truth and beauty.”   Yes.....what we read and makes us think the most......is what has the most beautiful message in it. Some thing that leaves us flabbergasted at the depth and meaning of what we see in those words. I feel so is it with life. A life that always make us wonder at the sheer meaning it gives us. A life that throws , depth and meaning to others, solely by the light it throws to others.

A crossroad of life.

Life sometimes brings you at such crossroads, that leaves you stranded in confusion. Sometimes it is life,s incidents. Sometimes it is some relationships. If you get swirled and swayed by those, then you can be rest assured that your life goes for a toss. Give it some time and contemplate on it. Never take anyone for granted. Respect the individuality of a person. Understand a person........it only widens a relationship when you are rash in your thinking of an incident.....or the integrity of a person. Think for a while, why and what could be the reason, without jumping into conclusions and judging someone. Think for a while what the indifferent attitude could do to a relationship.

Here I would like to quote Kahlil Gibran...... “Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow." 

It does not matter what or how much you give in a relationship. What matters is how you give, what you give and the understandings you have of the person. The freedom and space you give.....to breathe, feel free and the allowances you give for the growth of it. Let it be a foundation of love, warmth, care, affection, loving admonition , with the freedom and space to grow. Never a relationship of fear or a burden on the mind. Life sometimes brings you to such cross roads of confusion and thinking, just because of lack of understanding and indifference that is thrown at your face. When you realize your integrity is not respected, understood or rather appreciated.

Let is be a bond of give and take.. Let the spaces be such that you don't have a firm hold but a space of warmth, love and care which doesn't allow anyone else to creep in nor make it difficult to breathe. A bond that is a lovely possessiveness that doesn't make it difficult for either, and that which will always be looked forward to with wonder and warmth. A togetherness of love, warmth and care.

From the deep recesses of my mind and heart

Memories are that which comes to you, in times of solitude or when you face or see a similar situation in life. Some memories are sought after, because it gives you a sweet, bitter pain. But some of them you feel like locking it up in the recesses of your heart and mind. Not because it gives you pain, but you don't want it to surface again in life.

The journey through life, brings before us, lots of sweet and bitter experiences. Some are naughty in nature, some rebellious and some that teaches us bitter lessons. Childhood is that phase of life, that everyone likes to reminisce. The older generation I feel must have had lots of childhood memories to cherish. But today's generation, with the fast pacing world and competition, are deprived a lot of this time and space that makes them cherish their childhood. Sometimes I think of my childhood and think of my carefree, naughty days. The school days that I enjoyed a lot. But even those days, the scenario weren't very different, except that we had a few understanding people in school to guide us through. Nobody would believe that there was a rebel in me, who still lives in me. I too had those days, when the rebel in me really took birth. A year of careless words, a period of " I care too hoots" attitude.

   I would say, this is a period where one should put a label, "Handle with care" around. One wrong move, one wrong word could turn everything for the worst. But  always a word of caution for this is, "Handle with love, utmost patience." Always a word of appreciation,  a little time spent daily for the bond, the love showered upon,the understanding shown.....all this goes a long way in the making of the rebel to excel. Children are never born troublesome. The circumstances and the experiences makes them so.  The mental turmoil of a child, makes him or her a rebel. Understanding of that turmoil, filling that mind with hope, confidence, trust, love, care can bring miracles. A person to look up to, to find that wee bit of inspiration is all it takes to change a child. It is not a one day process, it takes little doses of this inspiration, faith, and growing confidence to boost  the confused mind to come out of the shell of rebellion that it has built around.

It takes patience and time to boost up that rebel to excel and outshine everyone. The effort put into this is worth more than any other joy this world can ever give. The result is the love and confidence of a young angel and what can be more desirous that that. That is what makes life worthwhile, that love gained is worth more than any precious thing in this world.

Lo and Behold, Is you favorite city Adversity?

Someone close to me once told me that my favorite city is adversity. Yes. In a way it is really true, because it is never a comfort zone. We are always facing the unknown, no matter what. It is in the face of adversity,we really learn how to live. We learn to face everything with courage and we gain the strength needed, from nowhere. We learn to face challenges. I read somewhere a quote that a challenge becomes an obstacle, only when we  bow down to it. It is very true, because as long as we are able to face a challenge, it is never an obstacle. We have to make up our mind that we are not going to be beaten by the situation we are in. It is the will to face any challenge that makes our journey of life a fruitful one.


Life is beautiful and worth living, when we have confronted all the challenges and come out triumphantly with a smile, telling the world, " Look I have come out of this, try me more if you  want." If life gives happiness, it is a blessing. But if it is pain, go through it with every atom of endurance. . It is no use wallowing in self pity or cribbing about our fate, because once we give in to self pity; we are killing ourselves, a kind of suicide. When we receive blessings, we never ask, "Why me?". But when we are faced with challenges we fret and fume.

I have learnt a lot the hard way. I find new joy, when I overcome each challenge thrown at me. I cannot change anything that happens to me. But I sure can change my attitude to what is happening to me. Life after cancer has changed my priorities. I love life and I try to use every moment of it, to do something that gives me immense joy. It may be a challenge to help someone, inspire someone or just be with someone who need that wee bit of inspiration. I have realized what matters to me and what doesn't.   Probably cancer taught me that " you live only once and to make the most of it, while you can." 

Even when I get into a tight place and everything goes against me, till it seems as though I could not hang on a minute longer, I have not given up on hope. Nor my will to never ever give up, because sometimes it is that place and time the tide will change and gain new strength to fight on. Challenges cannot define me nor beat me. I love to smile even in pain. When life tries to kick me, I give a broader smile to kick it back. I have always accepted the inevitable, and perhaps that is what keeps me going.  Each time I overcome a challenge, it is a beautiful feeling of victory, because today I cannot resist a challenge.

"Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful." 

Cancer is not a curse.

The word " Cancer" is still a taboo to many, even among the most educated too. It is considered to be a cursed disease, even with today's latest medical technology.  The first reaction to it is "Oh No, Cancer?"

Cancer is not the end of the world. Yes it does involve a lot of mental turmoil. When you decide not to give in to the disease half your battle is won. It is only a positive attitude towards the whole treatment, that can help anyone. The battle starts, from the time you feel a lump, but until the pathology report and the doctor's verdict comes, we need to think positive. Otherwise stress makes the person so weak and open to all type of emotional despair.I know it is easier said, than done. But having gone through everything myself, I am able to come to this conclusion.

Once you are told that the lump is malignant, it is better to  educate yourself about the treatment, its after effects and outcomes. The best person for this, is the doctor. The doctor always tells you about the do's and dont's of the treatment. Then mentally prepare yourself for the ordeal. I use the word ordeal, because it is not easy to sail through it for anyone, even the person with the strongest will. It needs a lot of will power to decide, " Yes, I am going to fight it out, and not going to give up my fight, what ever happens."

The chemotherapy is very traumatic. But not unbearable. You have to put your mind at ease first to go through the trauma. I found my solace in music, there is nothing music cannot do. Music can heal anything. The after effect of chemotherapy is not the same in every individual. It differs from person to person. Some may not feel anything. But most of them get ulcers in the mouth, mood swings, levels of electrolytes varying, nausea and sometimes diarrhea. There will be no taste in the mouth whatsoever. If you just think about it and lament, then there is no end to it. As soon as you can lift your head, it is better to keep yourself occupied in doing something that you love to do. I too did feel, many a time, that my control was slipping. But I was determined. Being given strong Chemotherapy, I was ready to face anything. Another trauma of Chemotherapy is loss of hair. It just comes out in your hand after two weeks of the first chemotherapy. So, it is always better to shave your head and be happy. I did just that. My friends used to tease me saying, I have a serene look, one saffron saree would have added to it. Apart from the pain of the surgeries, these psychological factors are more painful. Only with a determination and strong will you can go through it.

In my two years with cancer, I have undergone three surgeries,  needle biopsies and various scans.   I have considered each experience as one from which I learnt something new.  Never have I cursed God or asked "Why me?" Some say you suffer like this because of your karma. I don't know what it is. But I have only prayed for strength. I have been living with the pain from that time. Now if There is a day, that I get up without pain, I feel that there is something wrong with me. Doctor told me I have to live with the pain. All don't get pain.  May be it depends on the type of cancer too. I have accepted the fact that I have to live with it. So it is part and parcel of my daily life.

Here I would like to thank all my doctors, who stood by me. My family Doctor, Dr. Suchetha Banerjee who has been treating my family for the last 26 years. She knew me very well. She was a friend, counselor and guide for me. My surgeon & cardiologist, Dr. Siva Kumar & Dr. Ayyappan,  who always explained everything to me. Cardiologist would always give me a pat and tell me, So you have withstood this surgery too.  My oncologist Dr. Sivakumar, was an ever smiling man, who always greeted us with a broad smile. An ever patient man, who explained everything and cleared all doubts. His wife always had a kind word for all the patients. A mathematician, but gave up that profession to be with the patients, inquiring about each one's family and health. An ever smiling lady with a lot of positive flow on her.  She always used to tell me," Ma'am, you always have a positive glow on your face, that radiates." She herself was a  motivator.

The whole process is fascinating now because I feel like a different person. I must have become less feminine, but I consider myself beautiful still. Having cancer and facing death changed me. Better yet, I chose to change. I refused to allow this traumatic experience to break me. Instead, it infused me with a new drive to live, and do everything that I love doing and that which gives me immense joy. It awakened in me the infinite possibilities contained in living life fully, the best life possible. It brought in me the urge to inspire others.

The Empty Nest

"You know your children have grown up when they stop asking where they have come from and refuse to tell you where they are going." 

Children have to spread their wings to new horizons, when their future calls for it. Every parent goes through the loneliness of having just the four walls around them to give them company. The role of the parents change, diminish and unfold.  I believe in one simple philosophy -fill in what's  empty. Do what makes you happy. Learn, what you always wanted to do. 


The phase of an empty nest continues till the parents re-feather. It is a profound shift from the rigorous daily activities to a time of reflection  reorientation, capturing the realities of emotions, the life changes that sets in gradually and sometimes rediscovering all your old  creative talents.
Some parents, find it very difficult to adjust to the empty nest. It is no use brooding over it and making life miserable.Yes we do feel the void. Suddenly when all left today, I was wondering what I would do. But I decided to do something for someone. So  after long gap in my teaching, decided to go hunting for cursive writing books to help a little one. I know that would keep me busy for a day or two, to get down to my old routine of life.


This transition is inevitable.... I have always learnt to accept the inevitable. An empty nest need not be an emptiness of life. Sometimes it comes with its own joy. It is a transitional phase that is open to growth and self discovery. It is also redefining yourself in a new role and celebrating the new joys. My idea of being a parent is, be available whenever they want you, give them a moral support and always be a tower of strength.

Fulfillment of womanhood.

A woman is a daughter, sister, wife, mother and grandmother. It is a remarkable blessing to be born as a daughter. The happiest moment of a woman's life is to become a mother. A moment of pride for any woman. A fruitful moment for all the pain that she goes through. A time to bask in the glory of motherhood, after all the small sacrifices and pains that she went through. She finds happiness in watching the growth of the baby, in all walks of life. She finds immense joy in their achievements, gives unconditional support in their little fears and failures. A tower of strength to the family, whatever happens. A store house of moral support.

Another moment of pride and joy is when her children makes her a grandmother. It is a walk down the memory lane, for her to cherish the memories of her motherhood. A bundle of joy to enjoy the last stages of life, just watching them grow up, pampering them and their little fancies, telling them stories, satisfying their inquiries and playing with them. Putting them to sleep, singing the same lullabies that was sung years back to make her children sleep. It is also a journey down the memory lane, when the child she held so close to her heart, becomes a parent. A realization of how time fled past her very eyes, sometimes watching their little mischief and pranks. Sometimes missing out on those important times of life. But it is a time to reminisce of those bygone days.

In the end, it is a fulfillment of her womanhood. It is a completion of the beautiful cycle of life. A moment that gives immense joy, to hold that bundle of joy, that makes her life complete.

An irreplaceable Spark

All of us have an inner strength, a fire that keeps us going. Sometimes the challenges in our life, reduces that fire and almost goes out. But something or someone comes along and that irreplaceable spark ignites it again into a flame that keeps the fire burning in us. For me that inner strength and courage came initially from my father, who always encouraged me to do things I felt, that I couldn't do. I am reminded of how a mother bird pushes the small one's out of the nest to make them use their wings to fly.
“Come to the edge.”
“We can't. We're afraid.”
“Come to the edge.”
“We can't. We will fall!”
“Come to the edge.” 
 And they came.
 And he pushed them. 
 And they flew.
Guillaume Apollinaire,   1880-1918

My fight with my life started at the age of three, when I got a lump on my thighs. My parents were told that I would have to be operated upon, but chances were high that I would end up a cripple. May be God's miracle, the lump disappeared the day before the surgery. I was not able to walk due to my pain, but my brother who was admitted with typhoid, used to drag me along with him. With the pain I used to run with him. From then I always used to get pain on my left leg. Me being me, used to take part in all extra curricular activities, encouraged by my dad. Night I used to cry of pain, but there started my fight in life.

During my school days, I used to end up being the only one getting all the seasonal illnesses. May be God knew I was to be strong at that age to cope up and fight with all the challenges that was meant to come my way. My dad always used to tell me that running way from life was cowardice. He always told me to face and fight it out. At that time I used to wonder why dad is only telling me all this. Today when I look back, I feel may be he had the intuition of what was in store for me.

My life has been a winding path with lots of challenges. When my twins were born, I came out of the hospital, not even sure if I would get them alive as they were 6 weeks premature. I came home, but I got my kids back only after a month. Being in the neo natal ward, abroad I couldn't even go and see them daily. Always prayed and hoped for the best. There started my test of life, they would fall sick always and I would be running with them to the doctor. Never have I cursed God for anything. Almost for five years, I was in and out of the hospital with my twins. Today, I thank God that they are as healthy as any other person of their age.

They say life is a bed of roses, it is because, if roses are there thorns too are there. I started enjoying the thorns too. The challenges made me strong and what I am today. My mother too has always been a strong person. She taught me to have patience and be strong, whatever happens. I learnt to accept the inevitable, from her. Seeing her strength, when we lost dad, and then later my eldest sister and my second brother.

Today, my journey through cancer has taught me to enjoy life as it comes. Last two years has been the most painful one, but that pain has been sweet pain to me, as I feel I am alive due to that pain. I feel I have fallen in love with pain. If there is no pain, I ask myself, " Am I okay?" The three surgeries, taught me not to take life for granted. I gather my strength from these and every visit to the doctor or scan centers became a new experience for me. I learn something new every time. 

There has not been a day, these last two years, where I have had a pain free day. Something crops up or the same old pain nags me. My doctors say," You have to live with the pain." So I got used to it. That is why I say, "I am in love with pain." Though pain sometimes gives me sleepless nights, I am used to it. The never give up attitude my dad taught me, keeps me going. Yes there are times, when you feel that it is too much to tolerate. But the fighter in me swashes those feelings, to keep up that irreplaceable spark burning.

I would like to always be a born fighter, a brave heart who can inspire others to fight life's battles with a smile.

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

The magical mountain mist.

The mountains with the clouds and the mist is always magical. It has a magical effect on our minds, drawing us to the core of it. with minute droplets of water dropping from the clouds, it brings a sense of calm and peace to the soul. The beauty of the mountains covered with clouds, on a misty morning, can captivate your heart and soul to a sense of oblivion. The beauty around you gives you a positive vibe to forget everything and become one with the nature around you...the sound of the wind softly blowing on your face and the touch of the mist around you makes you happy. And feeling the tiny droplets fall on you and around you. It is hard to define your feelings in such a surrounding. It is pure ecstasy to appreciate and admire the beauty of nature and be lost in it. Nature can bring a lot of beauty into our lives, if you know how to appreciate it. My yearning for a life in the misty mountains keeps me going.

I keep thinking of my experience of a misty, cloud covered day at Mhaismal - Aurangabad. It is an experience that I will never forget. The day i viewed the mystic beauty of nature around , standing at the topmost view point of that place. I felt as if I was in wonderland, with the excitement of a small child wondering at the beauty of that place...It was monsoon season and suddenly the full area was covered with mist and clouds. And that added to the beauty of that place and my joy. As we were viewing the water falling down the hills at the other side, the clouds burst and raindrops started falling down. Left to me I would have stayed there and got drenched in that rain, but we ran through the rain into the house. A wonderful experience that, will never ever fade away from my memory.

A reckless tongue can pierce and kill the soul.

"Words are the only weightless thing in this world that could actually make you feel heavy."

The reckless, rash, stabbing, piercing, words uttered  has the capacity to kill the soul, making your heart and mind heavy, leaving indelible imprints that become difficult to erase. Sometimes words uttered just slice you and you feel like something dies inside of you. Tongues can make or break life, they can make marriages sweet and families strong. They can also give hope and cement understanding. It is in anger that the most acidic words pour out.  It is seldom thought what the result of those statements would be. The tongue is the only thing that cannot be tamed. 

Many of us may have at some point of our life, let out words and emotions in anger. Thinking we are giving out truest of opinions or feelings of how we feel about a situation in which we might have been involved, without thinking of the consequences of those words on the person we are hitting out at. We seldom think of what would have been the sentiment behind an action. Instead of letting our thoughts and words run wild,we rarely make an effort to think before we speak. For some it is very difficult to hold their tongue and not say what is in their minds. We should know when to try and reason out with a person, know what to say in order to avoid a problem, instead of saying what ever come to the mind. Think before speaking out.

As they say" We should learn to choose our words carefully, as we can hurt, and create a wound in others. Words...can't be taken back, once you give them away. Harsh words are like bullets: no matter what, they can still leave a painful injury. And sometimes, a sorry is not enough to heal the wounds you leave." Words sometimes cause a lot of problems, knowingly and unknowingly. It can cause a lot of stress and strain on the one it is aimed at. Think before you utter rude and harsh words. Sometimes for a person fighting life's battle, those words are enough to slice them down and make a permanent wound, like an ulcer that never heals. Don't judge anyone without knowing what a person is going through. It has the power to heal and inspire or break a person completely.

A CANDLE OF HOPE

A word of kindness, goes a long way, in the life of a person, fighting a battle. But rude and harsh words robs all the positive strength accumulated by sheer will power. The stress that goes on, paves way for the disease to over take  and bite into the place again.  The support and inspiration helps the person , fight the challenge out. But the pain can be understood only by someone who wants to understand. Be a small ray of hope in others lives. Try not to slice them with words. 
" A candle loses nothing, if it is used to light another candle."    Our life is like a burning candle, we never know when it will extinguish. Keep helping others to find that light of hope and make life meaningful.

It needs a lot of effort to go on the journey where the result is unknown.  When we give of bit of inspiration nothing is lost. our life never gets shortened. The light given together is greater than the light of one. When a person is fighting a battle, though there is strength and courage, sometimes for a split second, the inner light which was burning brightly starts diminishing. The battle can be won only with the inspiration and support from others. Even that split second of negativity, plays havoc. 

   The day, the realization comes, that we alone can bring back the positive life, then the need for external positive force ends. Just with the belief that God does what is best for us, then we start looking out only for those little blessings that comes our way. If God is being liberal, that means He knows what is in store for us and He wants us to count only on those blessings to help us go forward in life with our battles.

      "So keep lighting candles for others. Give a ray of hope to someone who needs it. Look out for the endless supply of light in the soul and never let the goodness run out of your hearts. Be a glowing candle to light others life with kind  and inspiring words".


 As the Chinese saying goes, "The person who loves others, will also be loved in return. God might be trying to work in another person's life through you".

EVERY EXPERIENCE IS NEW

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

I have always tried to take the challenges that come my way, a new experience. Last month I was really challenged with pain in both my arms. A visit to my oncologist and the check up that followed told me that I need another PET scan. A new lump in my right armpit. A mammogram taken had also shown a new lump in my left  breast and enlarged lymph nodes. So I was advised by my doctor to repeat a scan of my chest area.

May be it is a knock on the head to remind you to be alert always. An appointment was booked and I landed up at the scan center on an empty stomach. The usual procedure of a IV set and their Uniform and then straight into the scan room for the first scan. What made it different from my previous PET Scan, was that I didn't have to drink seven beer mugs of the medicated water. I was given an IV injection first. Then another radioactive element was injected into my veins. Then it was a long wait of almost 4 hours. Since I had a cozy sofa, I had a good sleep.

 My turn for the scan came, I was made to lie down and was instructed about not moving my hand. My head was strapped, so that I don't move it. Then came the dye injection, a very painful one, which burns all over your body for a few seconds and then makes it cool.  It was a new experience every time and I learned something new. Or may be it was my way of taking it.

The next day went with the result to my oncologist.  His serious face when he saw it, did make me think for a second,  but I was prepared to face anything. Doctor told me he wanted to check me. He had suspected  something in my right side, but the left side seemed to be a question mark. He told me it was not significant. So I told him I am being left with a sword dangling over my head.

He said not to worry about the pain and also that I had to live with it. But he still insisted that a painful lump was not cancerous, whereas my experience told me otherwise. The scan result told that a follow up was necessary. So I was left with a question mark.


Accept challenges, so that You may feel the exhilaration of victory.
George S. Patton. 

THE RAINBOW OF FRIENDSHIP

A Friendship is like a rainbow which is formed when all the colors merge to bring out a spectacular rainbow across the sky. Just like the colors, all friends are important in forming a lovely rainbow. Life is made happy with equal amounts of joy and sorrow. Many friends come into our life, some stay with us only to a certain part of our long journey. They go away due to circumstances, distance and many other factors.

     In a life's journey, we realize the importance of all our friends when we feel that life is being cut short or threatened. A realization comes into our life that all friends have a part in making our days happy. When the pains of life, threatens your day to day life, and we fight hard to keep up our positive attitude and never give up spirit, certain friends come in, to light up our inner spirit and keep it burning. We are always indebted to them. 

When the  rainbow is formed, it is like a bridge between the friends. Both have to walk equal distance to make the relationship strong. The assumptions and doubts that creep in, spoils the formation of a beautiful rainbow  and the bridge that was once a spectacular wonder of our life. An extraordinary understanding helps in keeping up our spirits. New friends come in, but never once are the old friends forgotten. As they say new friends are like diamonds, but the old ones are gold that holds the new one in place.

 Sometimes assumptions, doubts are like cancer to the mind. It spoils the root and a kind of uncertainty creeps in. When we are in pain, this aggravates all the pain and stress sets in, paving way for the disease that has been gnawing at our tissues to flare up and cause a lot of problems that has already been there. We look up to our friends for understanding and support at such times. Sometimes, we feel as though we are being driven away from each other. a crack appears and constant pain widens the crack, making it more painful.

 Sometimes there is a storm, and then everything becomes still. The silence after the storm sometimes is of utmost importance, to let the hurt and pain disappear.  The assumptions, like this storm takes away many from our lives. Those who  care for us, cease to care. They move away from us, making us wonder what happened. They just ignore us for days together. Respond only if we make an attempt. This feeling gnaws at us.

Tomorrow is never promised. We never know what tomorrow brings us. There comes a time when we realize that what ever life brings accept it, do what makes us happy and live our life as we want. No one will bear the pain with us. Go on life's journey with a smile, trying to help those in pain or passing on inspiration to those who need it and keep going with a never give up attitude, with the hope that the balance of our life is lived without any regrets.

There is always any  opportunity , to be with, share & make amends 

To parents,
To siblings
To friends
And many more.
No one is promised tomorrow.
Live a wonderful life without any regrets.

The best part of life is when your family becomes your friends
And
Your friends becomes your family.
Dancia Whitfield

IN SOLITUDE.

" Solitude is not the absence of company, but the moment when our soul is free to speak to us and help us decide, what to do with life." Paulo Coelho, Manuscript found in Accra.

When you are alone in solitude, you are able to think for yourself and go down your memory lane to contemplate on how your life has been, how you have been and what you have been to others. The silence around you is sometimes welcome. There are times in everyone's life, when you feel that you want to be alone, just with your thoughts, in your own company. It is not because you have started disliking somebody's company. It is because you want to free yourself of all that has hurt you and then refresh everything in your life.

You want to judge yourself, your thoughts, actions, behavior etc,. To think to yourself if you have been doing the right things. The course of actions you have taken, sometimes comes back haunting your very soul. It is at such times you start thinking if you have unknowingly hurt someone to justify another person's actions.  Your actions come like a ghost haunting you. Then it becomes a continuous course of actions.

   You start questioning yourself, if you have shown  your ego to someone.  You start searching for instances where you have been selfish, or shown a complex to someone and that very thought makes you feel so small. Sometimes it is a slap to your self esteem. You start asking yourself if you have asked for importance in anyone's life. You get a feeling that you have fallen down from your own standards that you have set for yourself. It really feels very degrading. You feel you are being robbed of all your positive energy, self esteem and confidence. 

    You need to be in solitude to think of yourself, shake off that feeling which invaded your thoughts  and get back all the energy that you have been robbed of. To not allow anything influence you so badly. To fight out all your fears and to be able to stand up and say that you are back with a refreshed energy. You realize that only you can make yourself happy. Only you can allow any situation to victimize you.You are able to say, you are what you are. You cannot change, what makes you happy and energetic. 

     You are able to decide for yourself that, it matters to your close ones that you remain what you are, irrelevant of what others think about you.You have to live your life, facing all the challenges and pains. You finally realize that only the unseen hand of God is there to protect you and keep you alive. Your family and friends can only encourage you. Last but not the least, Stop complaining about anything or anyone. You realize it is better to leave things to take its own course. 

" Think only of your little blessings that come your way. Be happy if you are able to inspire one soul. Find happiness in doing little things for others.
 A word of encouragement to a person fighting life's battle.
A smile to a tired and suffering soul.
A helping hand to someone who needs it."
Your life becomes worthwhile.
Learn to live your life to the fullest.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO BE ALONE,
NOT TO BE LONELY, JUST TO ENJOY TIME BEING YOU.
ENJOY YOUR LIFE, 
SIMPLY BEING YOU.

ANOTHER FEATHER IN MY CAP

"Obstacles cannot crush me. Every obstacle yields to stern resolve. He who is fixed to a star, does not change his mind.." Leonardo da Vinci.

The heading might make one thing that I have achieved something great. But for me, it is indeed an achievement. Each time I enter the operation theater and come out with the smile, still on my face, that is an achievement for me.

I had my first surgery, in December, 1995 ...removal of my uterus along with my ovaries. That time I was never worried or scared of the surgery, only thing that had worried me that time was, the doubt doctors had of cancer.  May be I was always bold enough to face anything in life. But God saved me that time.

The next surgery was my mastectomy in May, 2011. With the growing age and many health problems in my list, I had to take a fitness from my cardiologist. I did come out of the surgery with a smile, though I was in pain......even after losing a feminine part of me. I realized that I have to live accepting the truth and pain. I was willing to face it as I wanted my near and dear ones to be smiling always. After all the trauma of chemotherapy and radiation, when I was at ease with a sigh of relief, came another obstacle.

Another lump was found in the same place..which the PET scan showed as a recurrence. The surgeon  very humorously told me, "So you have decided to come under my knife once again." I just smiled. After all the surgeries, I felt it was an achievement for me, a feather in my cap. Not because it is anything to be proud of, but I was bold enough to go through it and come out with a smile. My cardiologist came and patted me and said, "So, you withstood this surgery too."

Now, let me come to the point. I had a small bluish soft lump on my left knee. There was no pain, and more cause for unwanted thoughts. It was the year, my sister lost  her battle against cancer. A pathologist friend assured me that it was just a bulged varicose vein. So I completely forgot about it. In 2002, we had a lot of preparations to make in school, as it was the centenary celebrations. It started troubling me with a lot of pain. It had bulged out and become like a soft cyst with fluid in it.  I met my family doctor and she prescribed some medicines, with a warning that I should be careful or it may burst. I was advised to wear stockings which help varicose veins. With medicines and the stocking, the pain subsided to a great extent. 

Later on my family doctor's advice I met a  cardio vascular surgeon and I  was asked to do a Doppler test of my left leg. When the pain became a constant companion, I decided to do the test. If was after that test  I came to know, it was a sebaceous cyst with a varicose vein. That doctor too advised me to wear the stockings.

After my cancer diagnosis, when my chemotherapy started a lot of problems surfaced again. The pain in the cyst became very bad. I used to take a course of the medicines, my cardio vascular surgeon had prescribed. It would subside then , but resurfaced again after a little while. In between these problems, I landed in the ICU, one day. The reason for that is still a big question mark for me. My oncologist advised me not to have those medicines after that. 

After my lumpectomy on October 17th, I asked my surgeon about the cyst, when I went for a review. He told me that he wouldn't do anything until my blood count and hemoglobin  count improved. So I was forced to go around with it. In January, 2013 the pain became quite unbearable. I used to get swelling on my knee and pain behind my knee too. The cyst too became bigger. Towards end of March, I went back to the surgeon for a review of my lumpectomy. I showed him the cyst, he said it was infected. He prescribed antibiotics for a week and asked me to see him after ten days. After ten days I went to him. He fixed  the surgery for the 6th of April, in the evening at 4 pm. He told me that I need not get admitted.

On April 6th, I was in the hospital accompanied by my hubby & sons. Doctor called into the operation theater around 5 pm  He gave me a local anesthesia. My eyes were covered with a cloth. I could feel the doctor cutting out the cyst and also putting sutures. He told me that, it need not be sent for biopsy. It took around twenty minutes. The nurse put a dressing bandage over it and I was asked to wait for a few minutes. I walked out of the operation theater, limping. That was the third surgery in 22 months.  Hoping that a cyst would not reappear anywhere else. Yesterday the sutures were removed. My hubby and kids make fun of me saying, It has become a habit for me to walk into the operation theater. 

   To undergo any surgery and come out of it with a beating heart and a smile,  I feel is an achievement. That is why I said that it is another feather in my cap. Some say that I get bolder, each time I walk into the operation theater.  It is quiet painful......

"Endurance is one of the most difficult disciplines, but it is to the one who endures that the final victory comes." Buddha.