IN SOLITUDE.

" Solitude is not the absence of company, but the moment when our soul is free to speak to us and help us decide, what to do with life." Paulo Coelho, Manuscript found in Accra.

When you are alone in solitude, you are able to think for yourself and go down your memory lane to contemplate on how your life has been, how you have been and what you have been to others. The silence around you is sometimes welcome. There are times in everyone's life, when you feel that you want to be alone, just with your thoughts, in your own company. It is not because you have started disliking somebody's company. It is because you want to free yourself of all that has hurt you and then refresh everything in your life.

You want to judge yourself, your thoughts, actions, behavior etc,. To think to yourself if you have been doing the right things. The course of actions you have taken, sometimes comes back haunting your very soul. It is at such times you start thinking if you have unknowingly hurt someone to justify another person's actions.  Your actions come like a ghost haunting you. Then it becomes a continuous course of actions.

   You start questioning yourself, if you have shown  your ego to someone.  You start searching for instances where you have been selfish, or shown a complex to someone and that very thought makes you feel so small. Sometimes it is a slap to your self esteem. You start asking yourself if you have asked for importance in anyone's life. You get a feeling that you have fallen down from your own standards that you have set for yourself. It really feels very degrading. You feel you are being robbed of all your positive energy, self esteem and confidence. 

    You need to be in solitude to think of yourself, shake off that feeling which invaded your thoughts  and get back all the energy that you have been robbed of. To not allow anything influence you so badly. To fight out all your fears and to be able to stand up and say that you are back with a refreshed energy. You realize that only you can make yourself happy. Only you can allow any situation to victimize you.You are able to say, you are what you are. You cannot change, what makes you happy and energetic. 

     You are able to decide for yourself that, it matters to your close ones that you remain what you are, irrelevant of what others think about you.You have to live your life, facing all the challenges and pains. You finally realize that only the unseen hand of God is there to protect you and keep you alive. Your family and friends can only encourage you. Last but not the least, Stop complaining about anything or anyone. You realize it is better to leave things to take its own course. 

" Think only of your little blessings that come your way. Be happy if you are able to inspire one soul. Find happiness in doing little things for others.
 A word of encouragement to a person fighting life's battle.
A smile to a tired and suffering soul.
A helping hand to someone who needs it."
Your life becomes worthwhile.
Learn to live your life to the fullest.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO BE ALONE,
NOT TO BE LONELY, JUST TO ENJOY TIME BEING YOU.
ENJOY YOUR LIFE, 
SIMPLY BEING YOU.

ANOTHER FEATHER IN MY CAP

"Obstacles cannot crush me. Every obstacle yields to stern resolve. He who is fixed to a star, does not change his mind.." Leonardo da Vinci.

The heading might make one thing that I have achieved something great. But for me, it is indeed an achievement. Each time I enter the operation theater and come out with the smile, still on my face, that is an achievement for me.

I had my first surgery, in December, 1995 ...removal of my uterus along with my ovaries. That time I was never worried or scared of the surgery, only thing that had worried me that time was, the doubt doctors had of cancer.  May be I was always bold enough to face anything in life. But God saved me that time.

The next surgery was my mastectomy in May, 2011. With the growing age and many health problems in my list, I had to take a fitness from my cardiologist. I did come out of the surgery with a smile, though I was in pain......even after losing a feminine part of me. I realized that I have to live accepting the truth and pain. I was willing to face it as I wanted my near and dear ones to be smiling always. After all the trauma of chemotherapy and radiation, when I was at ease with a sigh of relief, came another obstacle.

Another lump was found in the same place..which the PET scan showed as a recurrence. The surgeon  very humorously told me, "So you have decided to come under my knife once again." I just smiled. After all the surgeries, I felt it was an achievement for me, a feather in my cap. Not because it is anything to be proud of, but I was bold enough to go through it and come out with a smile. My cardiologist came and patted me and said, "So, you withstood this surgery too."

Now, let me come to the point. I had a small bluish soft lump on my left knee. There was no pain, and more cause for unwanted thoughts. It was the year, my sister lost  her battle against cancer. A pathologist friend assured me that it was just a bulged varicose vein. So I completely forgot about it. In 2002, we had a lot of preparations to make in school, as it was the centenary celebrations. It started troubling me with a lot of pain. It had bulged out and become like a soft cyst with fluid in it.  I met my family doctor and she prescribed some medicines, with a warning that I should be careful or it may burst. I was advised to wear stockings which help varicose veins. With medicines and the stocking, the pain subsided to a great extent. 

Later on my family doctor's advice I met a  cardio vascular surgeon and I  was asked to do a Doppler test of my left leg. When the pain became a constant companion, I decided to do the test. If was after that test  I came to know, it was a sebaceous cyst with a varicose vein. That doctor too advised me to wear the stockings.

After my cancer diagnosis, when my chemotherapy started a lot of problems surfaced again. The pain in the cyst became very bad. I used to take a course of the medicines, my cardio vascular surgeon had prescribed. It would subside then , but resurfaced again after a little while. In between these problems, I landed in the ICU, one day. The reason for that is still a big question mark for me. My oncologist advised me not to have those medicines after that. 

After my lumpectomy on October 17th, I asked my surgeon about the cyst, when I went for a review. He told me that he wouldn't do anything until my blood count and hemoglobin  count improved. So I was forced to go around with it. In January, 2013 the pain became quite unbearable. I used to get swelling on my knee and pain behind my knee too. The cyst too became bigger. Towards end of March, I went back to the surgeon for a review of my lumpectomy. I showed him the cyst, he said it was infected. He prescribed antibiotics for a week and asked me to see him after ten days. After ten days I went to him. He fixed  the surgery for the 6th of April, in the evening at 4 pm. He told me that I need not get admitted.

On April 6th, I was in the hospital accompanied by my hubby & sons. Doctor called into the operation theater around 5 pm  He gave me a local anesthesia. My eyes were covered with a cloth. I could feel the doctor cutting out the cyst and also putting sutures. He told me that, it need not be sent for biopsy. It took around twenty minutes. The nurse put a dressing bandage over it and I was asked to wait for a few minutes. I walked out of the operation theater, limping. That was the third surgery in 22 months.  Hoping that a cyst would not reappear anywhere else. Yesterday the sutures were removed. My hubby and kids make fun of me saying, It has become a habit for me to walk into the operation theater. 

   To undergo any surgery and come out of it with a beating heart and a smile,  I feel is an achievement. That is why I said that it is another feather in my cap. Some say that I get bolder, each time I walk into the operation theater.  It is quiet painful......

"Endurance is one of the most difficult disciplines, but it is to the one who endures that the final victory comes." Buddha.

A WALK THROUGH CANCER.

"Cancer is a journey, but you walk the road alone. There are many places to stop along the way and get nourishment - you just have to be willing to take it." Emily Hollenberg.

Yes, cancer is a journey and you really walk the road alone. Your family and friends, all are there to encourage you, but your progress depends only on you. 

     It is a journey that starts from the time you are given the final diagnosis after a needle biopsy. From there starts your long  journey. If you have a strong will to fight it, and then accept it with a smile, then your loved ones are relaxed to a great extent. But if it is only lamenting and complaints from either side, life becomes miserable for both. So it is better to accept the fact and move ahead with a smile and positive attitude.

      The surgery (Mastectomy) and then the biopsy report decides your future. Psychologically it is a painful truth, that you cease to be a complete woman. When you decide to live with that truth, then you start your journey with a positive attitude. The emotional uplift also depends on your near and dear one, be it your family or friends.

 The most exhausting part of the journey, starts with the chemotherapy. .....depending on the type of cancer.
The physical, psychological and emotional changes start there. It is very easy to coax the patient to eat and advice to be active. You realize the pain, when you go through it. A weird  taste in the mouth, some start throwing up everything they eat, some get diarrhea......all this last for at least a week. Within three weeks of your chemotherapy, hair starts falling. the will to go through it, makes you shave your head, because you know it will grow back again.

The emotional effect is confusing,sometimes even for the patient. You laugh over something and then you end up crying.  Sometimes you feel so low, then you fight that feeling out and smile. Your taste buds deny any  taste in your mouth, still you have to eat. otherwise your blood count will deceive you. It is really an exhausting experience. You lose your balance when you walk.  If you are a fighter, you are able to face it boldly. But the support of your family and friends too play a major role. Though you have to face it alone, it helps a lot, if you are not taken for granted.

   The chemo and radiation snaps you of all your energy. You have to take it as a challenge and new experience. Smile at the new changes in yourself. The monthly visits to the doctor and your blood tests.....all these have to be faced with a positive attitude, only then you can be a survivor. Otherwise you end up becoming a victim. Fight it out with all the strength that you have in yourself. And when you emerge out of it, you feel, you are refreshed to live a beautiful life.....I would compare this to a pupa stage of a caterpillar. Just like the caterpillar undergoes a lot of changes and emerges out as a beautiful butterfly, you too can come out of your cocoon of the cancer treatment with a new positive change in you, like a beautiful butterfly.

    A word of caution to the near and dear ones, the family and friends of the patient. If the patient has a low spirit and esteem,try to encourage them, without complaining. If they have the courage  and strength to fight it out, don't take them for granted, because the encouragement is still required. However strong they are, take care not to be critical and hurtful, because emotionally they are still at a risk of breaking down, if they are pushed to the edge. Don't ridicule them. Being understanding is very vital. As a patient, however strong they are, they are also vulnerable at that time, specially when there is a threat of recurrence of cancer. It is not easy for the patient, nor the family members to cope with the threat of recurrence. 

   I am able to say this with such confidence because, I have taken care of cancer patients, very close ones and have also undergone everything myself.  Though I have been strong enough to face it, I too have gone through the physical, psychological and emotional pain. There are times when I have felt that I have been pushed to the edge. Still I am positive, after going through a lot of emotional pain given by others. Only a person who has undergone some kind of pain, can understand how it is to be in pain. Do not judge, ridicule or push those who are fighting a battle. 

  Try to support, encourage and inspire them with a wee bit of understanding and consideration. Try not to slice them with words.  Sometimes they become so silent due to that anguish.  Help them keep up their  smile and positive attitude. 

A candle loses nothing, by lighting a candle. Be a candle to light and inspire another life. Be a candle of hope. Be a spark to ignite and inspire someone who needs that little spark to which it can hold on. 

ALWAYS TRY

To hear a song, when you feel like crying due to pain,
To hear the chirping of birds around you,
To smile at a full bloomed tree,
To laugh out aloud while enjoying the beauty of nature,
To smell a flower and visualize a life so sweet,
To rejoice at the colour of Twilight,
To get lost in the radiance of Sunset,
To feel the rain and then get lost in the heavy rain,
To forget yourself gazing at the enthralling beauty of a garden,
Always try.....
And enjoy LIFE WITH THE LITTLE BLESSINGS in your LIFE.

MUSIC HELPS TO HEAL.

A friend tagged me the other day, on a post about music giving solace to a cancer patient. Yes, it does help a lot as the saying goes that, Music heals".  That articles about how music helps, took me down my memory lane, when I landed up in the hospital bed, right from my class room, where I had been teaching.

I landed up in the hospital as i felt my whole class was swirling around me. After doctor had examined me, when I got up, I had started throwing up and the whole room was going around as if I had been in a merry-go-round ride. My doctor had then advised me to take an x-ray of my neck to rule out spondylitis. She had then confirmed that it was vertigo and I was admitted there for a day.

    The next day, I was discharged with an advice to see an Ear Specialist. In the evening I landed up at the clinic, where the specialist and his assistant examined my ears and made me listen to different sounds. After all that I was asked to follow the assistant to the next room, where he asked me to lie down. He told me that he would be injecting cold water into my ears to confirm vertigo.

The doctor went to the fridge and took out one ice cube, extracted the ice cold water from it and injected into my ears with a warning that I would feel the whole room swirling around me and to inhale and exhale through my mouth. He then went near the window, and picked up the guitar which was lying there and started playing such wonderful music, that I forgot all about my giddiness and concentrated on his music....I felt that I was no more feeling sick....then he repeated the same with the other ear.....

    It was that day,  I realized that music could divert your attention from your sickness and transport you to another world. It really eases your pain and makes you forget everything, that you feel relieved after listening to music. Even on my visits to the oncologist during my chemotherapy, the soft instrumental music played in his clinic, used to make me forget my pain and tiredness at least for sometime.

As quoted by Billy Joel, Music in itself is healing. It is an explosive expression of humanity. It is something we are all touched by.  No matter what culture we are from, everyone loves music".

The three magical A's : Appreciate, Acknowledge,Accept.

Appreciation can make a day, even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.
- Margaret Cousins

How true this quote is...
I feel it can change a person day and make it worthwhile with the "Three magical A's: Appreciate, Acknowledge, Accept..

Recently I had been to Hyderabad. One of the days I was there my niece and myself, went for a small shopping. It was the peak hours of shopping for everyone, being a Sunday. We walked into a shop and went to the first floor, where salwar sets and materials were kept, where there was just one lady as a sales woman. We went about seriously selecting a set, meanwhile the lady came and helped us with the materials. 

She was busy running between the customers. we selected our material and waited for the sale woman to be free. She finished her job with some customers and came to us with an apology for making us wait. She was very patient and full of smiles. She took us to the second floor to select the  materials and the duppattas. As we were walking upstairs we realized how tired and tanned the lady was, still giving every customer a broad smile.

She helped us with our selection and we made our way down to make the payment. My niece told her that she was very patient and helpful to us. We also thanked her for her services. After paying the bill, my niece told the shop owner that he had a wonderful sales woman, who was always smiling and willing to help. Not that the words of praise was going to get her a salary hike or something. But the owner would at least think of it and feel happy. But for that lady, that would have made her day. We never think of it when we ask them to take out so many things. A word of appreciation for their services would surely make them happy at least, feeling that someone has had the heart to notice it.

So is it with anyone else. Learn to appreciate, acknowledge someone's work and accept that  it is a good one by giving credit to that person. We don't lose anything by doing so.

A Lesson Learned

I happened to read a story of an eight year old, little girl, who turned out to be 'A little Angel', to sacrifice her lovely hair for the sake of her leukemia friend, who feared unintentional but cruel teasing from friends. To support her friend she shaved her hair. From the time I read this, it has put me to think. It is an eye opener and an awakening call for many of us.

  We adults only think of our hurts, ego and pride. How many of us would think like this little angel when we deal with our friends. We just want to do away with out hurt with an out pour of words, without even thinking  about the outcome of those words on the other person. However sick that person is, we don't bother about it.

As a cancer patient, I understand this, as I know about the trauma I have been through. However strong willed  and positive a person is, during the treatment, the trauma suffered makes them vulnerable both physically and psychologically. That is why doctors tell their family and friends to see that they are happy. A cancer patient is still at a risk, even after the treatment is over. And if someone has added health problems, the after effect also becomes painful to endure.

     One has to walk in their shoes to know the trauma they have gone through. We adults never bother about all these, once the patient is up and going around with their daily life. It could be because they don't want to be treated like a sick person. But the mental agony is always there, though they overcome it and never want to give up. When you are with such people, we should think of their welfare too.

        The moral support of family and friends count a lot for the well being of these people. Not that they need to be fussed and pampered upon. Just a wee bit of understanding can do wonders to boost the morale of a cancer patient.  It is a time when they are emotionally down too, if faced with hostility.The happiest of  people are not those who live on their own terms, but those who change themselves for the people they love.



Cancer taught me a lot of things in one year. I have learned that I am happy to just love and be loved by family and friends. I know I am unique, amazing and beautiful just the way I am now.

IN THE FACE OF DEATH.

"Let life be like music. 
And death a note unsaid.” 
― Langston hughes

When confronted with the reality of death and loss, we are forced to struggle with basic questions of meaning in  life. This struggle makes you question past, present and future values and relationships that you have.The truth of life is that when it ends, death engulfs you, nothing remains and you go away to the unknown. It is an inevitable fact of life.   

My first experience of death was my father's.  I didn't see him dying. He was a lucky man to have died peacefully in his sleep of a cardiac arrest. I was only told that grandfather was not well and I came to know the truth only when I reached home. He had bade us goodbye without a word, leaving all of us in a state of shock.  He looked so peaceful in his eternal sleep. It was the first  blow of life.

 The second blow fate gave,  was when my brother met with an accident and my cousin informed me he was in the hospital. I never knew the seriousness of the situation till I reached the hospital and saw him being taken to the ICU after a brain surgery. It was an accident, when something in the scooter snapped and he was thrown off the scooter to a height. A passenger in the passing bus felt it was someone he knew, stopped the bus and went to help my brother. His ears were bleeding, which was not a good sign. The person who came to help like a God sent Angel, couldn't get any conveyance to take him to the hospital till a goods carrier auto agreed to take him to the hospital. He was conscious till then, on his way to the hospital, he gave the number of his office and asked the person to inform and then lost his consciousness. When I saw him being taken to the ICU I sent for my mother and sons and also informed my brother and sisters. My mother was always near the ICU, getting a glimpse of her son who lived only for her. But the following night the doctors put a bombshell,  that they would do another brain surgery and  he would live but remain a vegetable for life. Our task was putting this across to mom. She told us that she didn't want to see him as a vegetable for life, a tough decision for a mother. So we told the doctors and he was left as he was in the ICU. The following day early morning, he passed away. When my mother knew, she only told me this, "I don't want to stay in this hospital where my son is no more alive. Take me home". My elder sister stayed back. My younger sister was yet to reach from the Gulf. My hubby, my eldest sister and hubby too reached in the morning. The biggest blow was for my mother, to lose her son.

     The third blow was my eldest sister's death to cancer. I was with her in the  journey through cancer. She was a person who never complained. But when I think of all her  treatment, somehow I now get a feeling she was just letting herself to be treated without a will to fight it out. May be due to the lamenting she always heard around her or she didn't want to go through with it.  It was in 1994, the cancer spread to her lungs and she had to undergo strong chemotherapy. After each Chemo it was like an exam for my nephew and me, waiting for her hemoglobin  count results. I don’t think we waited with so much anxiety even for out academic results. But in January 1995, her condition became worse. All relatives were around. We all stayed in the same place as our motive was just to be with her.

        After a few days hospitalization, the doctors felt there was no hope. She only wanted to come home. So she was brought to my house and all were around her. Her breathing used to be very heavy. She was happy to be home. One evening, she became worse. An ambulance was called for, but  before the ambulance could come she breathed her last right in front of our eyes. Her eyes and tongue just popped out and I told my nephew to keep calling her. My sister and myself started thumping on  her chest.  For a second her eyes became okay and then it closed and the tongue also went in. She had a peaceful look on her face. Today, when I think of it, I sometimes wonder how I got the strength to do what I did.

  That was the first time it hit me very badly thinking “Today you are here. Don’t know what the next minute would bring us”. It took a long time for me to come out of it. 
Today I feel that the ultimate truth is: “Life is a question, nobody can answer and Death is an answer, nobody can question it”.

HUMOR IN PAIN

The one reading this may think I was in the cricket field. But this was told to me by my surgeon in the operation theater.

     Yesterday, I had a review with my surgeon. When I went to him, he asked me to go to the operation theater and then called someone and gave them instructions. My friend was with me,I went into the theater and I was asked to lie down . They removed the dressing in one  pull, the nurse was telling me to endure the pain. The Assistant surgeon walked in and had a look at the area where the surgery was done, and told me that there was fluid collection. He asked for a needle and syringe and then told me he was going to take out the fluid. He used some medical term for it, which I really can't remember now.

    The nurse was pressing from one side and I was really wincing in  pain. With out my knowing it, tears were flowing, due to the pain. He took out one syringe after another of a reddish fluid. When my mastectomy was done, I had a friend, a tube with a collection bag for ten days. But the lumpectomy it was not there as it was a small lump, the surgeon told me so. He then continued his work and then after sometime, He said"You have hit a century". What he meant was that he had taken out 100 ml  of the fluid. Hearing what the doctor said, I just laughed. Then the nurse and surgeon pressed the sides and then said there was no more fluid. The pain too subsided. It was such a relief to get rid of the pain.  But my relief was short lived. By night the pain was back.

   I just thought to myself, hope the pain is not for another century.

YET ANOTHER SURGERY.


It sounded so realistic to hear that I was ready to go under the knife. I was smiling, when my surgeon had asked me that question.
 
       On Wednesday, the 17th, I  packed my things with the enthusiasm of going on a vacation. I felt I was  again on a journey to defeat the invader that had gained entry into my body.  After the initial formalities, I was admitted to the same room I was,  during my previous surgery., Room no.27. The nurse came and put an IV set and gave me an injection. The duty doctor came and check my BP and pulse: and went away. My family doctor came and  just jokingly told "Look at this patient, sitting and smiling."

   At 2.45 pm, the theater nurses, came and whisked me away to the operation theater.  They changed me into a brand new robe and asked me to lie down on the table. They covered me with a sheet and attached the BP apparatus to me right hand. The Anesthetist started a medicine through my IV and fixed the oxygen mask on my face. The surgeon came and smiled at me. The Anesthetist told me she was going to give me an injection and I remember her injecting, and then I was blank.

       I had no idea what was happening. Later on I could hear voices  as if was coming from a distant place. I felt  I was wandering away and the voices were getting distant. For a second I was wondering what was happening to me and the next second I could hear the doctor calling out my name. I was trying to open my eyes but was not able to do so. Then I remember vomiting and the nurse wiping it. I opened my eyes and smiled at the doctors. I could hear the surgeon saying that the surgery was over.

                                          The first step of my battle was over, removing the home of the invader. The lump was sent for biopsy and then the wait for the result. The surgeon came and told me about the pain and that the lump was bigger than they expected.  The cardiologist came and checked me and said I was okay. I learned that I had to be strong in all circumstances. It doesn't bother me, that I may have to undergo chemotherapy, I have started my journey to fight it out and that is what mattered to me. Physically I know I have to go through it alone, but I know that there are a lot of people with me; my family and friends.

        I would like to thank all those who have been praying for me, and prayed for me; all those who were present with me to help me through all this.

Another New Experience Of My Life.


 The word "Pet", always reminds us of a pet animal at home. First time I heard of a Pet scan.  I went to my Oncologist because my ESR was high. He went through the blood results and found that my tumor marker result was on a gradual rise, last three months. So he told me that it is better to do a PET CT Scan. He just told me that it shows any significant tumors in my body and to call the scan people and take an appointment. He told me it may take four to five hours. I came back home and checked with Bharat scans, and they told me to go on Thursday with an empty stomach by 8 am.

On Thursday, got up early and my hubby took me to the scan center.  We were asked to go to the basement and we met the concerned person. We had to wait, and then he called a nurse to check my weight. Then I was given a dress to wear, which looked liked a uniform.  I was asked to sit in a room, where the nurse came and fixed an IV set on my hand. With all the chemo and the blood tests, getting a vein was not an easy task for them. She injected something into my vein, which was really cooling to the veins. Then they checked my height and then took my blood sugar. After that I was taken to the scan room for a scan. The person who takes the scan gave me instructions and went off and in 5 minutes it was over. I was asked to wait saying a doctor will come to check. We were called in by the doctor, who asked me my medical history. We waited outside. Someone came and told me about the whole procedure and that it would take four to five hours. I could see many of them with the same kind of uniform, all waiting for the scan.

  The PET CT scan is Positron Emission Tomography ( Computed Tomography). I do not know what it means. But today that is the latest in detecting cancerous lumps in your body. I was  inside where they gave medication. Others were not allowed to come in. I was asked to sit and a lady in charge came and gave me a big glass mug (Beer mug) full of medicated water and with a smile told me that I had to drink 7 of that. There were four other sitting there. I had the first one and kept my mug down, she came and poured the next one and asked me to keep a track of the numbers of mugs I was drinking. For a moment, I went back to a class room where we are seated in line.  All new experiences and the rapport the others had was really amazing.  The technician who took my scan came and injected into my vein some radio active elements.  I sat in the same place for almost four hours, which was like a punishment, as we were not allowed to talk or read, just sit there and drink the medicated water. All this while my hubby was waiting outside, it was really a test of his patience. I finished my sixth mug and the lady came and told me the next will be given just before going in for the scan.

  I was asked to go to the bathroom and come; then I was given my seventh mug of medicated water. After drinking that, I was taken to the scan room. Unlike the MRI, there were no sounds. I was instructed to lie down with my hand above my head. I was also told not to move. They told me the scan would take 20 to 30 minutes. Then he told me  that I would be injected with a medicine which would be painful and hot.  He requested me to bear it. The scan started and I was moved to and fro through a round machine which was open on both sides. After some time, he injected the medicine which was really painful and I could feel a burning sensation from head to toe. Again I was moved to and fro for sometime. Later I was instructed to keep my hand on my tummy. I was moved to and fro and then they came and told me that the scan was over. I was so relieved I could move my hand and legs. My left hand fingers had become numb and cold due to the IV set.

        We were instructed to wait for sometime as they had to check if they got all the slides properly. After sometime, he removed the IV set and told me to have something hot, either coffee or tea. He had a few instructions like, having plenty of water, not to go near kids less than five and near pregnant ladies. To use different toilet or flush with lot of water as the radio active elements would get flushed out of my system through my urine.  By then I was really feeling hungry and tired. My hubby too was starving like me.

   Now was the time of waiting, for the result. On Friday my hubby collected the result and we went to the oncologist. He read everything and inspected all the images.  A look at his face told me something was wrong. But I was prepared for anything. I was advised to see the surgeon the following day. We went to the surgeon, he went through all the reports and told me, there were two options, one to go for radiation or remove the lump. The lump was on the line of sutures of the mastectomy. The surgeon opted for removing the lump and sending it for biopsy to see the grade of cancer. I was told to take fitness from my cardiologist and then he would decide on the date.

   I didn't curse God. Nor was I sad. If God gave it to me, he had also seen that we have the means to go through the treatment. Had it been, even three years back, we wouldn't have had the means to undergo the treatment. I am happy for the little blessing given to me.   I have been given the strength to go through it and I have the support of my family, friends and also the doctors who treat me.

Today my aim is to live a life, where I can inspire others with my strength. Be a candle to light up someone's life. To be a loving, caring and sharing person.  I write about all my experiences to inspire others to be brave and face whatever comes in life with a smiling face. I know I have a lot of friends praying for me and at this time, that is enough for me to know I have a lot of friends who genuinely love me and care for me.  I have to thank my doctors, family and friends for all the support. 

Life with Cancer

As the saying goes"When the going gets tough, the tough gets going". Life after the cancer treatment has not been an easy one both physically and psychologically. But If there is a will to survive, then your battle is won. It is what every patient craves for, to know that they have clinically defeated their cancer and believe that it is behind them and incapable of making another assault. They like to feel healthy, happy and  unburdened once more. To be positive that  there will always be a will to never give up on life.

        My Chemotherapy and  radiations were over by first week of November, 2011. Due to chemo and radiations my Hemoglobin level came down to 7. I was asked to go in for blood transfusion. Both  of us were paranoid with the word blood transfusion. My hubby and kids were B+ and I did not have any known people with O+ blood. So we decided not to go in for it. I was determined to increase it with my food intake. When I went for my check up to my oncologist, I was happy to note that it had increased to 8. My Oncologist  examined me and jotted down something in his prescription. He just told me to give my blood for testing and added that if there is something alarming, he would call me.

 I completely forgot about it as he had not called me. Meanwhile I went for a review with my surgeon. He checked the stitches and   asked me for my oncologist's prescription. He went through that and told me that there was a nodule growing  at  one end of the line of stitches. He called up the pathologist and took an appointment for me and sent me to the lab reminding me to see him the next day. I went to the pathologist, but the operated area was numb and I didn't feel any pain when she did the needle biopsy. She told me that she felt that it was nothing to worry.

      The next day I went to the surgeon, he again examined me and then called the pathologist. She said it was not malignant. He sent me off asking me to come after a month. I went and met my oncologist too. My check ups with him was monthly. The next month when I went for check up, he found a lump in my left breast. He felt it was better to take a mammogram. Next day I went for the mammogram and I got the result.  

Meanwhile I went for my review with the surgeon and I showed him the mammogram. He told me to go for a MRI scan of my left breast. We went to the scan center and waited. My turn came after an hour. I went inside and put on their long robe, the nurse fixed an IV in my vein and asked me to wait. Then I was called in. When I went in they asked me to lie down on my stomach and leave my breast inside a cup kind of thing. The nurse put cotton in my ears, saying that was for not hearing the different kind of sounds. Then she pushed me into a dome kind of thing, with only my head out. They started the scanning; in spite of the cotton the sounds were so loud and deafening. Lying down there, I heard so many types of sounds, which I have never heard before. I laughed to myself, thinking this too may be a type of music. When it got over I was so relieved and the sounds were still ringing in my ears. They asked us to go the next day for the report.

The next day we collected the report and went to the surgeon. He went through the scan and report; and told that I would have to undergo an ultra sound guided needle biopsy, as the lump was little deep inside the breast. My hubby was a little worried. But I was prepared for anything. The next day I went for the needle biopsy, the pathologist did it guided by the ultrasound. We waited there for the report and it said that it was a benign lump. I took it to the surgeon and he told me that there was nothing to worry. I asked him to remove the breast, but he said until a malignancy was found it cannot be removed. I went to my oncologist; he told me that we would keep a watch over the lump to see if it was growing. 

        The chemotherapy aggravated many other problems that I already had.  The piles problem which never gave me any problem as long as I was careful with my diet, started being erratic. I did not know what triggered the bleeding of my piles. My oncologist advised me to see what caused it and stop eating those things.  Life sometimes bring you to such a state, that you don't know what to do. Then I started experimenting with my diet, a new experience, and started avoiding all that irritated the piles. It was a trial and error method of living. 

     My heart too started playing up. Sometimes it started racing. Sometimes when I went to bed, the palpitation was so bad I could never sleep. Whenever I went to the Cardiologist, he advised me not to be stressed. In spite of my medicines, I used to have palpitation. I thought that too must be due to my chemo medicines. An ultra sound of the abdomen  had shown cyst in my kidney and it was enlarged too. A fatty liver and that too an enlarged one.  Still I feel I am more blessed than many others. 

  I really learnt to live with all my health problems with a smile. It never bothered me that something was always troubling me. I was advised not to exert my right hand too much or carry anything heavy with that hand as the lymph nodes had been removed. I had to follow his advice or the hand would become fatter that the other. I had to do exercise with that hand daily. The area of surgery too pained a lot and the doctor had warned me that it may last for 3 to 4 years.

  Today I have learned to live with the pain.  It has become part and parcel of my life.  I have always been an independent woman, a quality instilled by my hubby from the time we got married. Today I am dependent  on  others as I am not allowed to ride the two wheeler, still I don’t trouble anyone for my shopping or my check ups, except the visit to the oncologist. I go on my own. That way I feel fit and healthy.

   Whatever illness you have, first you need a strong will to fight it out. Only then even the doctor’s prescription will work. When the time comes for you to go, nothing can be done. But that is not in our hands. Till then never ever give up. Face it with a strong will and fight it out.

   

SELF INTROSPECTION

Life sometimes takes you to such a point where you feel that you need a self introspection. Just to contemplate on your life and a self examination. I do believe that it is good for leading a stress less and happy life. It does help in refining yourself, makes you rethink of your actions and be checked by yourself. I have always tried to be a good human being. 

Today when I sit and look back at all the relationships in my life, I feel as a child I was care free. Nothing is there in your mind at that age.  As a kid I made friends easily.  Being an Army Officer's daughter, we always had to make new friends, because of the transfer. But at that age it really didn't matter. Till my schooling got over, it was a new place every three years or sometimes just a year. It was when I was in tenth I really became close to just one friend. Those days 11th and 12th used to be college. So again I went to a new place.

            Those days in Andhra 11th and 12th was known as Intermediate. I was put in the college hostel. All of them were friends. My roommates became my close friends. But after my intermediate,  I was back in my native village as my father had retired by them. The rest of my education was by correspondence. My hostel life and the times spent in my native place, took out the fear in me and I became bold. My first genuine friendship was when I went for type writing classes just for time pass and also an interest to learn something new. I met a girl Sarasa. A real village girl, we became very close and I knew what real friendship is  from her. Even after our classes got over, we used to visit each other’s house and spend time. She was in love with her cousin, (Muracherukkan). She used to talk for hours together about him. 

In 1980, once she came running to my house wanting to talk to me. The boy's parents felt her parents were not rich enough and wanted to look out for a girl. The boy was on leave and he was not allowed to go out of the house, a kind of house arrest. She was frantic to get in touch with him. Her parents didn't know what to do. Then one fine day, I heard that she was in the hospital as she consumed rat poison. I went to the hospital to see her. But, she did not allow the doctors to remove the poison, she bit off the tube that was inserted and she died. She was the first real friend I had. She still lives in my memory.

 After my wedding, the frank and open person that I was, learnt that to keep up any relationship, you need tact. We may have lot of relationships, but learnt that the most important thing was to maintain life in any relationship. I have had close friends when I was working as a teacher. Many have insulted my friendship for their own self interest. But there also I had two friends who made me understand that I was being used. They are still there for me. In the bond we had, there were no promises, no conditions; we never took each other for granted. Even though we never spoke to each other always, we were always very close at heart. They had other friends too, that was the freedom and space we gave each other.

Then, after my quitting teaching job, I got hooked into the internet games and Face book. I made a lot of friends. I still make a lot of friends. I met many of them. With some of them I had a unique bond, where they understood me well and I too understood them well. I joined Face book in 2009. I have made a lot of friends. I do try to keep up the relationship with all the friends I have made. I am not a perfect human being, but I have always tried to put myself in the other person's shoes when I deal with them. I have always tried to meet them too. Many of them have taken pains to come and meet me too. I can never forget those that stood by me in my hour of need, when I was going through cancer treatment.

 But cancer was a real eye opener for me. I realized with a jolt that life is not certain; we don't know how long we would be here. My outlook towards life changed. I wanted to look only of the positive side of life and people. I used to crib about others till then. I realized that it is better not to waste time in petty squabbles, egos, etc. I decided to change for the good. I patched up with those that I had kept a distance, called some of my old colleagues and did what I could to ease my own conscience, so that I never had any regrets.

      But today at the age of 57, I feel I have realized the complexity of relationships. What is true Friendship? Is it the same for each individual? Have I been a good Friend? I felt I needed a self introspection. It has made me sit up and think, have I been a good human being, a good friend, daughter, sister, wife, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, mother and now a new role, a mother-in-law. There had been times I acted stupid due to my ego, but now I am a new person altogether, trying to make up for all that. My metamorphosis started after my cancer and completed after a day in the ICU, to be a good human being that my family will be proud of and where I have no regrets of any kind. In the process of my metamorphosis, if I have hurt anyone, I would like to apologize to all of them.

   It is good to once in a way contemplate on what ever happened in your life and see if your actions really reflect your words and your positive attitude. Now I believe in Aspiring to inspire and be a glowing candle in other's life. I always believed in live and let live.  When a good human being starts being a human, it speaks for itself in their life.

Ashley Lorenzana quotes that “Even if you think you're doing well and have it all figured out, there is a voice you will always inevitably hear at some point which nags at you and says "but wait..." Don't ever dismiss it, listen to what it has to say. Life will never be close enough to perfect, and listening to that voice means stepping outside of you and considering your own wrongdoings and flaws.” 

 

A Day in the ICU

It was a Sunday and we were busy with the wedding preparation of my son. In the evening we were on our way  to Egmore to invite my hubby's friend for the wedding. We got into the car and not even reached half way, suddenly I started getting a dull pain in the center of my head. I usually got that pain, when my BP was high. After sometime I started  sweating profusely and felt uneasy. For sometime I was wondering as to why I started sweating like that. I asked my son to put off the AC and open the car glass, so that I could get some fresh air.

     My hubby and son sensed that something was wrong and told me that we would go to the hospital, but I insisted on going to his friend's house. I was still sweating and by the time we reached his friend's house I started getting a choking sensation in my throat and a pain on one side of my face. I could not even talk to his friend and wife. 

       By then I got worried as it was a new experience for me, and my son's wedding was something all of us were looking forward to. I called my family doctor and told her about my plight. She asked me to go the hospital and get the BP checked and also take an ECG. I started feeling as if something heavy was on my chest.

     We reached the hospital, and the duty doctor checked the BP and found it to be high. My doctor spoke to the duty doctor and asked her to get an ECG taken and they found changes in the ECG. The doctor asked for my previous ECG's. My son brought my medical files bag and they found changes in the ECG which was not seen in my previous ECG's and I landed in the ICU for observation.The question that lingered in everyone's mind was, why ICU when the doctor said that there's nothing alarming. It is still a question mark as to why I experienced such profuse sweating and a constriction in my chest. My friend even questioned the cardiologist.

   Lying down in the ICU I was thinking, of my life, and  to what an extent it was uncertain.Those who see the next morning are so lucky.I started thinking of all the little blessings we fail to count in our life.Cancer had already changed my outlook towards life. But my one day in the ICU was a real introspection of my life.

      I realized we have just one life. How futile it is to spend it in finding fault, back biting and having hatred in our mind. I realized with a pain that, though I was strong in my mind, I was a weakling where my heart was concerned.I decided to find happiness in making others happy. I decided to live with a positive attitude, a clear mind and a loving, caring and sharing heart. I wanted to live a life which had no regrets.

     If something was to happen to me the next day, I did not want to have any regrets. I wanted my family to be proud of me. I had always been a strong and independent person. Only a person whose life had been threatened would understand my feelings and sentiments.

      I believe in guarding angels. They believe in you and they are forever by your side. And  all our tomorrow's are in the seeds that we plant today. Life  is a garden made richer by those who share our path.

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see. John Burroughs

A harrowing experience

When we wake up in the morning, it is a privilege to be alive.  It is very true..This takes me down my memory lane, when I was in the 8^th month of my second pregnancy and my twins were just two and a half years. On a particular afternoon, both refused to eat lunch. So I did not force them. I put them to sleep and was relaxing with a book after my lunch. After some time, I heard the coughing sound of one of them, and I went to the bedroom to see if they were awake, I saw my elder son vomiting. I called for my mother and took him out.  He was having slight temperature too.  He was throwing up continuously; I called for a cab and took him to the child specialist. He examined him and gave him an injection.

      When I reached home, I saw my mother standing at the door with my second son, who had started vomiting by then. I just asked my sister to carry my elder son and again went to the doctor with my second one. Doctor said that it might be an infection in the stomach and gave him also an injection. I came back home and kept both of them on a mat and tried to put them to sleep. But the vomiting continued and I had to take both of them to the doctor again…..He gave them injection for fever and vomiting and then told me that by 8pm it doesn’t stop to inform him. He said he would get them admitted in the hospital.

             Everyone was so tensed. I too was tired as I was pregnant. Around 6pm my brother returned from office and he was very worried to see them in that state. He also added that cholera was doing its round in the town. That was the last straw, till then I was very bold, but tears started flowing down my cheeks. Their temperature was only rising and I kept sponging them. Around 8pm, suddenly both of them started getting convulsions (febrile convulsion) due to high fever. I kept both of them on my lap and caught their hands and legs…They were kicking on my tummy, but at that time I never thought of my pregnancy. I was so scared I did not know what to do.  There were no hospitals in our village close by nor a good doctor to whom I could take them in the emergency.

         I called up the child specialist, he told me to admit them in the hospital, which he had suggested. My mother and myself took  both of them and went to the hospital. The doctor had already called them and given instructions to the duty doctor there.  We got them admitted and the doctor came and started an IV, gave a list of medicines to be bought. They started giving them injections through the IV. Still they continued having convulsions. Later the child specialist also came and examined them, he just told us let us wait and observe.

         Every half an hour, they were given injections. The convulsions started subsiding a little, till 3am it went on. After 3 am they slept. But I just could not sleep. My hubby too was in Bombay, I informed him about everything that happened. He started by bus.  I was still not sure if I will get them alive.  Early morning the doctor came to examine them, they were still asleep. Whole night I was just watching if their heart is beating. Around  8 am they opened their eyes, the doctor was informed, he came and examined them again and said they were out of danger.  I had never given up hopes even when they were continuously having convulsions. The child specialist told me that I should take care that the temperature never went up. He wrote for a few blood test and told us that we could go home in the evening.

            Being premature babies, they always caught infection soon.  Till they were 8 yrs old, I used to run with them almost every month, to the doctor.  Today, they are as healthy as any normal adult.  They do not remember anything. When I sit and think of all what we had gone through, I feel that it has only made me  more strong to face anything in life.

HEALING HEARTS

HEALING HEARTS

“Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.”

This quote takes me down my memory lane, when my son was just one year old. It was then, We noticed my son’s right eye pupil was white in colour. I told the elders at home about it, but they brushed it aside saying it was just my feeling. Later on when cousins started noticing it and asking about it, we got worried, so also everyone at home. It was at that time I went to meet my uncle and his son-in-law happened to be there. I told him about it, he saw my son’s eye and started scolding me for not taking him to an eye specialist till then…I was advised to take him immediately to Dr. Tony Fernandez At Angamaly hospital.

We got an appointment with the influence of the bank where my cousin and hubby worked, and went to meet him with my son. He said he would first check his left eye and if he found it to be normal only, would he check his right eye.He found his left eye to be normal, so he told us to go the next day for a complete check up of his right eye. We went at the appointed time, and my son was taken for the tests. We waited with trepidation for the doctor to give the result. After all the tests, he called me in and told me that my son had juvenile cataract, which was there from the time of birth. Since that eye was not being used and no light had passed through his pupil, he said there were chances that his retina also could be dead. When a baby gets it only in one eye, it becomes difficult to find out whether he has vision in one eye, if both eyes were affected, we get to know fast. He told me he would operate that eye and then decide on further treatment.

The date of surgery was fixed and we got him admitted on that date. The surgery was done and his left eye was bandaged..The doctor told me that his retina and nerves were dead. He advised us to try and make him use that eye later on by closing his other eye, which was really very difficult, for a one year old to do. Keeping him still was a difficult task for us. All this was like a bolt from the blue. Still I took it as one of life’s challenges.

Mine being a premature delivery, I had returned home without my babies, who were in the incubator, not knowing if I will get them back alive. Being twins, both of them together were only 3kg. All this had pushed me to the edge, but I preferred to stay strong under all circumstances. May be this was also a cause for his cataract.

Coming back to the point, within one month of his eye surgery, the cataract came back as if it refused to leave him. Doctor told us another surgery could be done only after six months. So we went after six months, and it was removed again and he implanted a lens to help him exercise and try to get at least a little vision back. We used to make him wear a specks, close his good eye and make him walk by calling out to him. It used to choke me up to see him banging against everything that was on his right side. The stubborn cataract reappeared on his lens and he had to undergo a third surgery, three surgeries in eighteen months. After that, I think the cataract itself felt pity for the boy.

When I used to be in the hospital with him, I used to see different aged people undergoing cataract treatment. One particular doctor from Vizag was surprised to hear about my son, and he said he was feeling bad that he got it in his late 40’s. It was like everyone saying, “OMG”, cataract at this age. It was during my third stay that I saw a boy of my son’s age with cataract in both his eyes. He could see just the shadow of everyone and everything. It was very difficult to my son in one place, he would run around the hospital corridor. This, other boy too played with him. He used to bang against everything as he ran around. His mother would be crying seeing that. They had come for an eye transplant of one eye. I started thanking God for His little blessings. I was better off than many others there.

As my son grew up, I used to have problems, at school too, with his hindi. We never made him feel that it was a handicap. Later on , he used to get pain in the right eye and the doctor told us that it was because the brain was forcing him to use the right eye too. He too understood that he had vision only in one eye. But it never bothered him nor was it a hindrance for him when he took part in all extracurricular activities. Doctors too told me to just leave him alone, not to trouble him by taking him anywhere for a checkup. Only when he had an infection I used to take him.

Today I am happy that he has grown up with the fact that he is blind in one eye. He is like any other person of his age. He doesn’t feel bad when people ask him about his lens in his right eye. I am grateful to God for the little allowances and blessings that he sends my way. I never compare my life to that of others. I have always fought my way out in life and am proud to say that my son too has fought it out. It is always better to face the challenges of life than to sit and brood or cry over it. We make our life more miserable by crying over it. When we stand up to face it, we overcome it and feel happy that we are not bowing down to the harsh realities of life. I have now learnt to count my blessings, rather than cry over the problems.

To understand any living being, you must creep within and feel the beating of the heart.