A crossroad of life.

Life sometimes brings you at such crossroads, that leaves you stranded in confusion. Sometimes it is life,s incidents. Sometimes it is some relationships. If you get swirled and swayed by those, then you can be rest assured that your life goes for a toss. Give it some time and contemplate on it. Never take anyone for granted. Respect the individuality of a person. Understand a person........it only widens a relationship when you are rash in your thinking of an incident.....or the integrity of a person. Think for a while, why and what could be the reason, without jumping into conclusions and judging someone. Think for a while what the indifferent attitude could do to a relationship.

Here I would like to quote Kahlil Gibran...... “Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow." 

It does not matter what or how much you give in a relationship. What matters is how you give, what you give and the understandings you have of the person. The freedom and space you give.....to breathe, feel free and the allowances you give for the growth of it. Let it be a foundation of love, warmth, care, affection, loving admonition , with the freedom and space to grow. Never a relationship of fear or a burden on the mind. Life sometimes brings you to such cross roads of confusion and thinking, just because of lack of understanding and indifference that is thrown at your face. When you realize your integrity is not respected, understood or rather appreciated.

Let is be a bond of give and take.. Let the spaces be such that you don't have a firm hold but a space of warmth, love and care which doesn't allow anyone else to creep in nor make it difficult to breathe. A bond that is a lovely possessiveness that doesn't make it difficult for either, and that which will always be looked forward to with wonder and warmth. A togetherness of love, warmth and care.

From the deep recesses of my mind and heart

Memories are that which comes to you, in times of solitude or when you face or see a similar situation in life. Some memories are sought after, because it gives you a sweet, bitter pain. But some of them you feel like locking it up in the recesses of your heart and mind. Not because it gives you pain, but you don't want it to surface again in life.

The journey through life, brings before us, lots of sweet and bitter experiences. Some are naughty in nature, some rebellious and some that teaches us bitter lessons. Childhood is that phase of life, that everyone likes to reminisce. The older generation I feel must have had lots of childhood memories to cherish. But today's generation, with the fast pacing world and competition, are deprived a lot of this time and space that makes them cherish their childhood. Sometimes I think of my childhood and think of my carefree, naughty days. The school days that I enjoyed a lot. But even those days, the scenario weren't very different, except that we had a few understanding people in school to guide us through. Nobody would believe that there was a rebel in me, who still lives in me. I too had those days, when the rebel in me really took birth. A year of careless words, a period of " I care too hoots" attitude.

   I would say, this is a period where one should put a label, "Handle with care" around. One wrong move, one wrong word could turn everything for the worst. But  always a word of caution for this is, "Handle with love, utmost patience." Always a word of appreciation,  a little time spent daily for the bond, the love showered upon,the understanding shown.....all this goes a long way in the making of the rebel to excel. Children are never born troublesome. The circumstances and the experiences makes them so.  The mental turmoil of a child, makes him or her a rebel. Understanding of that turmoil, filling that mind with hope, confidence, trust, love, care can bring miracles. A person to look up to, to find that wee bit of inspiration is all it takes to change a child. It is not a one day process, it takes little doses of this inspiration, faith, and growing confidence to boost  the confused mind to come out of the shell of rebellion that it has built around.

It takes patience and time to boost up that rebel to excel and outshine everyone. The effort put into this is worth more than any other joy this world can ever give. The result is the love and confidence of a young angel and what can be more desirous that that. That is what makes life worthwhile, that love gained is worth more than any precious thing in this world.

Lo and Behold, Is you favorite city Adversity?

Someone close to me once told me that my favorite city is adversity. Yes. In a way it is really true, because it is never a comfort zone. We are always facing the unknown, no matter what. It is in the face of adversity,we really learn how to live. We learn to face everything with courage and we gain the strength needed, from nowhere. We learn to face challenges. I read somewhere a quote that a challenge becomes an obstacle, only when we  bow down to it. It is very true, because as long as we are able to face a challenge, it is never an obstacle. We have to make up our mind that we are not going to be beaten by the situation we are in. It is the will to face any challenge that makes our journey of life a fruitful one.


Life is beautiful and worth living, when we have confronted all the challenges and come out triumphantly with a smile, telling the world, " Look I have come out of this, try me more if you  want." If life gives happiness, it is a blessing. But if it is pain, go through it with every atom of endurance. . It is no use wallowing in self pity or cribbing about our fate, because once we give in to self pity; we are killing ourselves, a kind of suicide. When we receive blessings, we never ask, "Why me?". But when we are faced with challenges we fret and fume.

I have learnt a lot the hard way. I find new joy, when I overcome each challenge thrown at me. I cannot change anything that happens to me. But I sure can change my attitude to what is happening to me. Life after cancer has changed my priorities. I love life and I try to use every moment of it, to do something that gives me immense joy. It may be a challenge to help someone, inspire someone or just be with someone who need that wee bit of inspiration. I have realized what matters to me and what doesn't.   Probably cancer taught me that " you live only once and to make the most of it, while you can." 

Even when I get into a tight place and everything goes against me, till it seems as though I could not hang on a minute longer, I have not given up on hope. Nor my will to never ever give up, because sometimes it is that place and time the tide will change and gain new strength to fight on. Challenges cannot define me nor beat me. I love to smile even in pain. When life tries to kick me, I give a broader smile to kick it back. I have always accepted the inevitable, and perhaps that is what keeps me going.  Each time I overcome a challenge, it is a beautiful feeling of victory, because today I cannot resist a challenge.

"Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful." 

Cancer is not a curse.

The word " Cancer" is still a taboo to many, even among the most educated too. It is considered to be a cursed disease, even with today's latest medical technology.  The first reaction to it is "Oh No, Cancer?"

Cancer is not the end of the world. Yes it does involve a lot of mental turmoil. When you decide not to give in to the disease half your battle is won. It is only a positive attitude towards the whole treatment, that can help anyone. The battle starts, from the time you feel a lump, but until the pathology report and the doctor's verdict comes, we need to think positive. Otherwise stress makes the person so weak and open to all type of emotional despair.I know it is easier said, than done. But having gone through everything myself, I am able to come to this conclusion.

Once you are told that the lump is malignant, it is better to  educate yourself about the treatment, its after effects and outcomes. The best person for this, is the doctor. The doctor always tells you about the do's and dont's of the treatment. Then mentally prepare yourself for the ordeal. I use the word ordeal, because it is not easy to sail through it for anyone, even the person with the strongest will. It needs a lot of will power to decide, " Yes, I am going to fight it out, and not going to give up my fight, what ever happens."

The chemotherapy is very traumatic. But not unbearable. You have to put your mind at ease first to go through the trauma. I found my solace in music, there is nothing music cannot do. Music can heal anything. The after effect of chemotherapy is not the same in every individual. It differs from person to person. Some may not feel anything. But most of them get ulcers in the mouth, mood swings, levels of electrolytes varying, nausea and sometimes diarrhea. There will be no taste in the mouth whatsoever. If you just think about it and lament, then there is no end to it. As soon as you can lift your head, it is better to keep yourself occupied in doing something that you love to do. I too did feel, many a time, that my control was slipping. But I was determined. Being given strong Chemotherapy, I was ready to face anything. Another trauma of Chemotherapy is loss of hair. It just comes out in your hand after two weeks of the first chemotherapy. So, it is always better to shave your head and be happy. I did just that. My friends used to tease me saying, I have a serene look, one saffron saree would have added to it. Apart from the pain of the surgeries, these psychological factors are more painful. Only with a determination and strong will you can go through it.

In my two years with cancer, I have undergone three surgeries,  needle biopsies and various scans.   I have considered each experience as one from which I learnt something new.  Never have I cursed God or asked "Why me?" Some say you suffer like this because of your karma. I don't know what it is. But I have only prayed for strength. I have been living with the pain from that time. Now if There is a day, that I get up without pain, I feel that there is something wrong with me. Doctor told me I have to live with the pain. All don't get pain.  May be it depends on the type of cancer too. I have accepted the fact that I have to live with it. So it is part and parcel of my daily life.

Here I would like to thank all my doctors, who stood by me. My family Doctor, Dr. Suchetha Banerjee who has been treating my family for the last 26 years. She knew me very well. She was a friend, counselor and guide for me. My surgeon & cardiologist, Dr. Siva Kumar & Dr. Ayyappan,  who always explained everything to me. Cardiologist would always give me a pat and tell me, So you have withstood this surgery too.  My oncologist Dr. Sivakumar, was an ever smiling man, who always greeted us with a broad smile. An ever patient man, who explained everything and cleared all doubts. His wife always had a kind word for all the patients. A mathematician, but gave up that profession to be with the patients, inquiring about each one's family and health. An ever smiling lady with a lot of positive flow on her.  She always used to tell me," Ma'am, you always have a positive glow on your face, that radiates." She herself was a  motivator.

The whole process is fascinating now because I feel like a different person. I must have become less feminine, but I consider myself beautiful still. Having cancer and facing death changed me. Better yet, I chose to change. I refused to allow this traumatic experience to break me. Instead, it infused me with a new drive to live, and do everything that I love doing and that which gives me immense joy. It awakened in me the infinite possibilities contained in living life fully, the best life possible. It brought in me the urge to inspire others.

The Empty Nest

"You know your children have grown up when they stop asking where they have come from and refuse to tell you where they are going." 

Children have to spread their wings to new horizons, when their future calls for it. Every parent goes through the loneliness of having just the four walls around them to give them company. The role of the parents change, diminish and unfold.  I believe in one simple philosophy -fill in what's  empty. Do what makes you happy. Learn, what you always wanted to do. 


The phase of an empty nest continues till the parents re-feather. It is a profound shift from the rigorous daily activities to a time of reflection  reorientation, capturing the realities of emotions, the life changes that sets in gradually and sometimes rediscovering all your old  creative talents.
Some parents, find it very difficult to adjust to the empty nest. It is no use brooding over it and making life miserable.Yes we do feel the void. Suddenly when all left today, I was wondering what I would do. But I decided to do something for someone. So  after long gap in my teaching, decided to go hunting for cursive writing books to help a little one. I know that would keep me busy for a day or two, to get down to my old routine of life.


This transition is inevitable.... I have always learnt to accept the inevitable. An empty nest need not be an emptiness of life. Sometimes it comes with its own joy. It is a transitional phase that is open to growth and self discovery. It is also redefining yourself in a new role and celebrating the new joys. My idea of being a parent is, be available whenever they want you, give them a moral support and always be a tower of strength.

Fulfillment of womanhood.

A woman is a daughter, sister, wife, mother and grandmother. It is a remarkable blessing to be born as a daughter. The happiest moment of a woman's life is to become a mother. A moment of pride for any woman. A fruitful moment for all the pain that she goes through. A time to bask in the glory of motherhood, after all the small sacrifices and pains that she went through. She finds happiness in watching the growth of the baby, in all walks of life. She finds immense joy in their achievements, gives unconditional support in their little fears and failures. A tower of strength to the family, whatever happens. A store house of moral support.

Another moment of pride and joy is when her children makes her a grandmother. It is a walk down the memory lane, for her to cherish the memories of her motherhood. A bundle of joy to enjoy the last stages of life, just watching them grow up, pampering them and their little fancies, telling them stories, satisfying their inquiries and playing with them. Putting them to sleep, singing the same lullabies that was sung years back to make her children sleep. It is also a journey down the memory lane, when the child she held so close to her heart, becomes a parent. A realization of how time fled past her very eyes, sometimes watching their little mischief and pranks. Sometimes missing out on those important times of life. But it is a time to reminisce of those bygone days.

In the end, it is a fulfillment of her womanhood. It is a completion of the beautiful cycle of life. A moment that gives immense joy, to hold that bundle of joy, that makes her life complete.

An irreplaceable Spark

All of us have an inner strength, a fire that keeps us going. Sometimes the challenges in our life, reduces that fire and almost goes out. But something or someone comes along and that irreplaceable spark ignites it again into a flame that keeps the fire burning in us. For me that inner strength and courage came initially from my father, who always encouraged me to do things I felt, that I couldn't do. I am reminded of how a mother bird pushes the small one's out of the nest to make them use their wings to fly.
“Come to the edge.”
“We can't. We're afraid.”
“Come to the edge.”
“We can't. We will fall!”
“Come to the edge.” 
 And they came.
 And he pushed them. 
 And they flew.
Guillaume Apollinaire,   1880-1918

My fight with my life started at the age of three, when I got a lump on my thighs. My parents were told that I would have to be operated upon, but chances were high that I would end up a cripple. May be God's miracle, the lump disappeared the day before the surgery. I was not able to walk due to my pain, but my brother who was admitted with typhoid, used to drag me along with him. With the pain I used to run with him. From then I always used to get pain on my left leg. Me being me, used to take part in all extra curricular activities, encouraged by my dad. Night I used to cry of pain, but there started my fight in life.

During my school days, I used to end up being the only one getting all the seasonal illnesses. May be God knew I was to be strong at that age to cope up and fight with all the challenges that was meant to come my way. My dad always used to tell me that running way from life was cowardice. He always told me to face and fight it out. At that time I used to wonder why dad is only telling me all this. Today when I look back, I feel may be he had the intuition of what was in store for me.

My life has been a winding path with lots of challenges. When my twins were born, I came out of the hospital, not even sure if I would get them alive as they were 6 weeks premature. I came home, but I got my kids back only after a month. Being in the neo natal ward, abroad I couldn't even go and see them daily. Always prayed and hoped for the best. There started my test of life, they would fall sick always and I would be running with them to the doctor. Never have I cursed God for anything. Almost for five years, I was in and out of the hospital with my twins. Today, I thank God that they are as healthy as any other person of their age.

They say life is a bed of roses, it is because, if roses are there thorns too are there. I started enjoying the thorns too. The challenges made me strong and what I am today. My mother too has always been a strong person. She taught me to have patience and be strong, whatever happens. I learnt to accept the inevitable, from her. Seeing her strength, when we lost dad, and then later my eldest sister and my second brother.

Today, my journey through cancer has taught me to enjoy life as it comes. Last two years has been the most painful one, but that pain has been sweet pain to me, as I feel I am alive due to that pain. I feel I have fallen in love with pain. If there is no pain, I ask myself, " Am I okay?" The three surgeries, taught me not to take life for granted. I gather my strength from these and every visit to the doctor or scan centers became a new experience for me. I learn something new every time. 

There has not been a day, these last two years, where I have had a pain free day. Something crops up or the same old pain nags me. My doctors say," You have to live with the pain." So I got used to it. That is why I say, "I am in love with pain." Though pain sometimes gives me sleepless nights, I am used to it. The never give up attitude my dad taught me, keeps me going. Yes there are times, when you feel that it is too much to tolerate. But the fighter in me swashes those feelings, to keep up that irreplaceable spark burning.

I would like to always be a born fighter, a brave heart who can inspire others to fight life's battles with a smile.

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

The magical mountain mist.

The mountains with the clouds and the mist is always magical. It has a magical effect on our minds, drawing us to the core of it. with minute droplets of water dropping from the clouds, it brings a sense of calm and peace to the soul. The beauty of the mountains covered with clouds, on a misty morning, can captivate your heart and soul to a sense of oblivion. The beauty around you gives you a positive vibe to forget everything and become one with the nature around you...the sound of the wind softly blowing on your face and the touch of the mist around you makes you happy. And feeling the tiny droplets fall on you and around you. It is hard to define your feelings in such a surrounding. It is pure ecstasy to appreciate and admire the beauty of nature and be lost in it. Nature can bring a lot of beauty into our lives, if you know how to appreciate it. My yearning for a life in the misty mountains keeps me going.

I keep thinking of my experience of a misty, cloud covered day at Mhaismal - Aurangabad. It is an experience that I will never forget. The day i viewed the mystic beauty of nature around , standing at the topmost view point of that place. I felt as if I was in wonderland, with the excitement of a small child wondering at the beauty of that place...It was monsoon season and suddenly the full area was covered with mist and clouds. And that added to the beauty of that place and my joy. As we were viewing the water falling down the hills at the other side, the clouds burst and raindrops started falling down. Left to me I would have stayed there and got drenched in that rain, but we ran through the rain into the house. A wonderful experience that, will never ever fade away from my memory.

A reckless tongue can pierce and kill the soul.

"Words are the only weightless thing in this world that could actually make you feel heavy."

The reckless, rash, stabbing, piercing, words uttered  has the capacity to kill the soul, making your heart and mind heavy, leaving indelible imprints that become difficult to erase. Sometimes words uttered just slice you and you feel like something dies inside of you. Tongues can make or break life, they can make marriages sweet and families strong. They can also give hope and cement understanding. It is in anger that the most acidic words pour out.  It is seldom thought what the result of those statements would be. The tongue is the only thing that cannot be tamed. 

Many of us may have at some point of our life, let out words and emotions in anger. Thinking we are giving out truest of opinions or feelings of how we feel about a situation in which we might have been involved, without thinking of the consequences of those words on the person we are hitting out at. We seldom think of what would have been the sentiment behind an action. Instead of letting our thoughts and words run wild,we rarely make an effort to think before we speak. For some it is very difficult to hold their tongue and not say what is in their minds. We should know when to try and reason out with a person, know what to say in order to avoid a problem, instead of saying what ever come to the mind. Think before speaking out.

As they say" We should learn to choose our words carefully, as we can hurt, and create a wound in others. Words...can't be taken back, once you give them away. Harsh words are like bullets: no matter what, they can still leave a painful injury. And sometimes, a sorry is not enough to heal the wounds you leave." Words sometimes cause a lot of problems, knowingly and unknowingly. It can cause a lot of stress and strain on the one it is aimed at. Think before you utter rude and harsh words. Sometimes for a person fighting life's battle, those words are enough to slice them down and make a permanent wound, like an ulcer that never heals. Don't judge anyone without knowing what a person is going through. It has the power to heal and inspire or break a person completely.

A CANDLE OF HOPE

A word of kindness, goes a long way, in the life of a person, fighting a battle. But rude and harsh words robs all the positive strength accumulated by sheer will power. The stress that goes on, paves way for the disease to over take  and bite into the place again.  The support and inspiration helps the person , fight the challenge out. But the pain can be understood only by someone who wants to understand. Be a small ray of hope in others lives. Try not to slice them with words. 
" A candle loses nothing, if it is used to light another candle."    Our life is like a burning candle, we never know when it will extinguish. Keep helping others to find that light of hope and make life meaningful.

It needs a lot of effort to go on the journey where the result is unknown.  When we give of bit of inspiration nothing is lost. our life never gets shortened. The light given together is greater than the light of one. When a person is fighting a battle, though there is strength and courage, sometimes for a split second, the inner light which was burning brightly starts diminishing. The battle can be won only with the inspiration and support from others. Even that split second of negativity, plays havoc. 

   The day, the realization comes, that we alone can bring back the positive life, then the need for external positive force ends. Just with the belief that God does what is best for us, then we start looking out only for those little blessings that comes our way. If God is being liberal, that means He knows what is in store for us and He wants us to count only on those blessings to help us go forward in life with our battles.

      "So keep lighting candles for others. Give a ray of hope to someone who needs it. Look out for the endless supply of light in the soul and never let the goodness run out of your hearts. Be a glowing candle to light others life with kind  and inspiring words".


 As the Chinese saying goes, "The person who loves others, will also be loved in return. God might be trying to work in another person's life through you".

EVERY EXPERIENCE IS NEW

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

I have always tried to take the challenges that come my way, a new experience. Last month I was really challenged with pain in both my arms. A visit to my oncologist and the check up that followed told me that I need another PET scan. A new lump in my right armpit. A mammogram taken had also shown a new lump in my left  breast and enlarged lymph nodes. So I was advised by my doctor to repeat a scan of my chest area.

May be it is a knock on the head to remind you to be alert always. An appointment was booked and I landed up at the scan center on an empty stomach. The usual procedure of a IV set and their Uniform and then straight into the scan room for the first scan. What made it different from my previous PET Scan, was that I didn't have to drink seven beer mugs of the medicated water. I was given an IV injection first. Then another radioactive element was injected into my veins. Then it was a long wait of almost 4 hours. Since I had a cozy sofa, I had a good sleep.

 My turn for the scan came, I was made to lie down and was instructed about not moving my hand. My head was strapped, so that I don't move it. Then came the dye injection, a very painful one, which burns all over your body for a few seconds and then makes it cool.  It was a new experience every time and I learned something new. Or may be it was my way of taking it.

The next day went with the result to my oncologist.  His serious face when he saw it, did make me think for a second,  but I was prepared to face anything. Doctor told me he wanted to check me. He had suspected  something in my right side, but the left side seemed to be a question mark. He told me it was not significant. So I told him I am being left with a sword dangling over my head.

He said not to worry about the pain and also that I had to live with it. But he still insisted that a painful lump was not cancerous, whereas my experience told me otherwise. The scan result told that a follow up was necessary. So I was left with a question mark.


Accept challenges, so that You may feel the exhilaration of victory.
George S. Patton. 

THE RAINBOW OF FRIENDSHIP

A Friendship is like a rainbow which is formed when all the colors merge to bring out a spectacular rainbow across the sky. Just like the colors, all friends are important in forming a lovely rainbow. Life is made happy with equal amounts of joy and sorrow. Many friends come into our life, some stay with us only to a certain part of our long journey. They go away due to circumstances, distance and many other factors.

     In a life's journey, we realize the importance of all our friends when we feel that life is being cut short or threatened. A realization comes into our life that all friends have a part in making our days happy. When the pains of life, threatens your day to day life, and we fight hard to keep up our positive attitude and never give up spirit, certain friends come in, to light up our inner spirit and keep it burning. We are always indebted to them. 

When the  rainbow is formed, it is like a bridge between the friends. Both have to walk equal distance to make the relationship strong. The assumptions and doubts that creep in, spoils the formation of a beautiful rainbow  and the bridge that was once a spectacular wonder of our life. An extraordinary understanding helps in keeping up our spirits. New friends come in, but never once are the old friends forgotten. As they say new friends are like diamonds, but the old ones are gold that holds the new one in place.

 Sometimes assumptions, doubts are like cancer to the mind. It spoils the root and a kind of uncertainty creeps in. When we are in pain, this aggravates all the pain and stress sets in, paving way for the disease that has been gnawing at our tissues to flare up and cause a lot of problems that has already been there. We look up to our friends for understanding and support at such times. Sometimes, we feel as though we are being driven away from each other. a crack appears and constant pain widens the crack, making it more painful.

 Sometimes there is a storm, and then everything becomes still. The silence after the storm sometimes is of utmost importance, to let the hurt and pain disappear.  The assumptions, like this storm takes away many from our lives. Those who  care for us, cease to care. They move away from us, making us wonder what happened. They just ignore us for days together. Respond only if we make an attempt. This feeling gnaws at us.

Tomorrow is never promised. We never know what tomorrow brings us. There comes a time when we realize that what ever life brings accept it, do what makes us happy and live our life as we want. No one will bear the pain with us. Go on life's journey with a smile, trying to help those in pain or passing on inspiration to those who need it and keep going with a never give up attitude, with the hope that the balance of our life is lived without any regrets.

There is always any  opportunity , to be with, share & make amends 

To parents,
To siblings
To friends
And many more.
No one is promised tomorrow.
Live a wonderful life without any regrets.

The best part of life is when your family becomes your friends
And
Your friends becomes your family.
Dancia Whitfield

IN SOLITUDE.

" Solitude is not the absence of company, but the moment when our soul is free to speak to us and help us decide, what to do with life." Paulo Coelho, Manuscript found in Accra.

When you are alone in solitude, you are able to think for yourself and go down your memory lane to contemplate on how your life has been, how you have been and what you have been to others. The silence around you is sometimes welcome. There are times in everyone's life, when you feel that you want to be alone, just with your thoughts, in your own company. It is not because you have started disliking somebody's company. It is because you want to free yourself of all that has hurt you and then refresh everything in your life.

You want to judge yourself, your thoughts, actions, behavior etc,. To think to yourself if you have been doing the right things. The course of actions you have taken, sometimes comes back haunting your very soul. It is at such times you start thinking if you have unknowingly hurt someone to justify another person's actions.  Your actions come like a ghost haunting you. Then it becomes a continuous course of actions.

   You start questioning yourself, if you have shown  your ego to someone.  You start searching for instances where you have been selfish, or shown a complex to someone and that very thought makes you feel so small. Sometimes it is a slap to your self esteem. You start asking yourself if you have asked for importance in anyone's life. You get a feeling that you have fallen down from your own standards that you have set for yourself. It really feels very degrading. You feel you are being robbed of all your positive energy, self esteem and confidence. 

    You need to be in solitude to think of yourself, shake off that feeling which invaded your thoughts  and get back all the energy that you have been robbed of. To not allow anything influence you so badly. To fight out all your fears and to be able to stand up and say that you are back with a refreshed energy. You realize that only you can make yourself happy. Only you can allow any situation to victimize you.You are able to say, you are what you are. You cannot change, what makes you happy and energetic. 

     You are able to decide for yourself that, it matters to your close ones that you remain what you are, irrelevant of what others think about you.You have to live your life, facing all the challenges and pains. You finally realize that only the unseen hand of God is there to protect you and keep you alive. Your family and friends can only encourage you. Last but not the least, Stop complaining about anything or anyone. You realize it is better to leave things to take its own course. 

" Think only of your little blessings that come your way. Be happy if you are able to inspire one soul. Find happiness in doing little things for others.
 A word of encouragement to a person fighting life's battle.
A smile to a tired and suffering soul.
A helping hand to someone who needs it."
Your life becomes worthwhile.
Learn to live your life to the fullest.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO BE ALONE,
NOT TO BE LONELY, JUST TO ENJOY TIME BEING YOU.
ENJOY YOUR LIFE, 
SIMPLY BEING YOU.

ANOTHER FEATHER IN MY CAP

"Obstacles cannot crush me. Every obstacle yields to stern resolve. He who is fixed to a star, does not change his mind.." Leonardo da Vinci.

The heading might make one thing that I have achieved something great. But for me, it is indeed an achievement. Each time I enter the operation theater and come out with the smile, still on my face, that is an achievement for me.

I had my first surgery, in December, 1995 ...removal of my uterus along with my ovaries. That time I was never worried or scared of the surgery, only thing that had worried me that time was, the doubt doctors had of cancer.  May be I was always bold enough to face anything in life. But God saved me that time.

The next surgery was my mastectomy in May, 2011. With the growing age and many health problems in my list, I had to take a fitness from my cardiologist. I did come out of the surgery with a smile, though I was in pain......even after losing a feminine part of me. I realized that I have to live accepting the truth and pain. I was willing to face it as I wanted my near and dear ones to be smiling always. After all the trauma of chemotherapy and radiation, when I was at ease with a sigh of relief, came another obstacle.

Another lump was found in the same place..which the PET scan showed as a recurrence. The surgeon  very humorously told me, "So you have decided to come under my knife once again." I just smiled. After all the surgeries, I felt it was an achievement for me, a feather in my cap. Not because it is anything to be proud of, but I was bold enough to go through it and come out with a smile. My cardiologist came and patted me and said, "So, you withstood this surgery too."

Now, let me come to the point. I had a small bluish soft lump on my left knee. There was no pain, and more cause for unwanted thoughts. It was the year, my sister lost  her battle against cancer. A pathologist friend assured me that it was just a bulged varicose vein. So I completely forgot about it. In 2002, we had a lot of preparations to make in school, as it was the centenary celebrations. It started troubling me with a lot of pain. It had bulged out and become like a soft cyst with fluid in it.  I met my family doctor and she prescribed some medicines, with a warning that I should be careful or it may burst. I was advised to wear stockings which help varicose veins. With medicines and the stocking, the pain subsided to a great extent. 

Later on my family doctor's advice I met a  cardio vascular surgeon and I  was asked to do a Doppler test of my left leg. When the pain became a constant companion, I decided to do the test. If was after that test  I came to know, it was a sebaceous cyst with a varicose vein. That doctor too advised me to wear the stockings.

After my cancer diagnosis, when my chemotherapy started a lot of problems surfaced again. The pain in the cyst became very bad. I used to take a course of the medicines, my cardio vascular surgeon had prescribed. It would subside then , but resurfaced again after a little while. In between these problems, I landed in the ICU, one day. The reason for that is still a big question mark for me. My oncologist advised me not to have those medicines after that. 

After my lumpectomy on October 17th, I asked my surgeon about the cyst, when I went for a review. He told me that he wouldn't do anything until my blood count and hemoglobin  count improved. So I was forced to go around with it. In January, 2013 the pain became quite unbearable. I used to get swelling on my knee and pain behind my knee too. The cyst too became bigger. Towards end of March, I went back to the surgeon for a review of my lumpectomy. I showed him the cyst, he said it was infected. He prescribed antibiotics for a week and asked me to see him after ten days. After ten days I went to him. He fixed  the surgery for the 6th of April, in the evening at 4 pm. He told me that I need not get admitted.

On April 6th, I was in the hospital accompanied by my hubby & sons. Doctor called into the operation theater around 5 pm  He gave me a local anesthesia. My eyes were covered with a cloth. I could feel the doctor cutting out the cyst and also putting sutures. He told me that, it need not be sent for biopsy. It took around twenty minutes. The nurse put a dressing bandage over it and I was asked to wait for a few minutes. I walked out of the operation theater, limping. That was the third surgery in 22 months.  Hoping that a cyst would not reappear anywhere else. Yesterday the sutures were removed. My hubby and kids make fun of me saying, It has become a habit for me to walk into the operation theater. 

   To undergo any surgery and come out of it with a beating heart and a smile,  I feel is an achievement. That is why I said that it is another feather in my cap. Some say that I get bolder, each time I walk into the operation theater.  It is quiet painful......

"Endurance is one of the most difficult disciplines, but it is to the one who endures that the final victory comes." Buddha.

A WALK THROUGH CANCER.

"Cancer is a journey, but you walk the road alone. There are many places to stop along the way and get nourishment - you just have to be willing to take it." Emily Hollenberg.

Yes, cancer is a journey and you really walk the road alone. Your family and friends, all are there to encourage you, but your progress depends only on you. 

     It is a journey that starts from the time you are given the final diagnosis after a needle biopsy. From there starts your long  journey. If you have a strong will to fight it, and then accept it with a smile, then your loved ones are relaxed to a great extent. But if it is only lamenting and complaints from either side, life becomes miserable for both. So it is better to accept the fact and move ahead with a smile and positive attitude.

      The surgery (Mastectomy) and then the biopsy report decides your future. Psychologically it is a painful truth, that you cease to be a complete woman. When you decide to live with that truth, then you start your journey with a positive attitude. The emotional uplift also depends on your near and dear one, be it your family or friends.

 The most exhausting part of the journey, starts with the chemotherapy. .....depending on the type of cancer.
The physical, psychological and emotional changes start there. It is very easy to coax the patient to eat and advice to be active. You realize the pain, when you go through it. A weird  taste in the mouth, some start throwing up everything they eat, some get diarrhea......all this last for at least a week. Within three weeks of your chemotherapy, hair starts falling. the will to go through it, makes you shave your head, because you know it will grow back again.

The emotional effect is confusing,sometimes even for the patient. You laugh over something and then you end up crying.  Sometimes you feel so low, then you fight that feeling out and smile. Your taste buds deny any  taste in your mouth, still you have to eat. otherwise your blood count will deceive you. It is really an exhausting experience. You lose your balance when you walk.  If you are a fighter, you are able to face it boldly. But the support of your family and friends too play a major role. Though you have to face it alone, it helps a lot, if you are not taken for granted.

   The chemo and radiation snaps you of all your energy. You have to take it as a challenge and new experience. Smile at the new changes in yourself. The monthly visits to the doctor and your blood tests.....all these have to be faced with a positive attitude, only then you can be a survivor. Otherwise you end up becoming a victim. Fight it out with all the strength that you have in yourself. And when you emerge out of it, you feel, you are refreshed to live a beautiful life.....I would compare this to a pupa stage of a caterpillar. Just like the caterpillar undergoes a lot of changes and emerges out as a beautiful butterfly, you too can come out of your cocoon of the cancer treatment with a new positive change in you, like a beautiful butterfly.

    A word of caution to the near and dear ones, the family and friends of the patient. If the patient has a low spirit and esteem,try to encourage them, without complaining. If they have the courage  and strength to fight it out, don't take them for granted, because the encouragement is still required. However strong they are, take care not to be critical and hurtful, because emotionally they are still at a risk of breaking down, if they are pushed to the edge. Don't ridicule them. Being understanding is very vital. As a patient, however strong they are, they are also vulnerable at that time, specially when there is a threat of recurrence of cancer. It is not easy for the patient, nor the family members to cope with the threat of recurrence. 

   I am able to say this with such confidence because, I have taken care of cancer patients, very close ones and have also undergone everything myself.  Though I have been strong enough to face it, I too have gone through the physical, psychological and emotional pain. There are times when I have felt that I have been pushed to the edge. Still I am positive, after going through a lot of emotional pain given by others. Only a person who has undergone some kind of pain, can understand how it is to be in pain. Do not judge, ridicule or push those who are fighting a battle. 

  Try to support, encourage and inspire them with a wee bit of understanding and consideration. Try not to slice them with words.  Sometimes they become so silent due to that anguish.  Help them keep up their  smile and positive attitude. 

A candle loses nothing, by lighting a candle. Be a candle to light and inspire another life. Be a candle of hope. Be a spark to ignite and inspire someone who needs that little spark to which it can hold on. 

ALWAYS TRY

To hear a song, when you feel like crying due to pain,
To hear the chirping of birds around you,
To smile at a full bloomed tree,
To laugh out aloud while enjoying the beauty of nature,
To smell a flower and visualize a life so sweet,
To rejoice at the colour of Twilight,
To get lost in the radiance of Sunset,
To feel the rain and then get lost in the heavy rain,
To forget yourself gazing at the enthralling beauty of a garden,
Always try.....
And enjoy LIFE WITH THE LITTLE BLESSINGS in your LIFE.

MUSIC HELPS TO HEAL.

A friend tagged me the other day, on a post about music giving solace to a cancer patient. Yes, it does help a lot as the saying goes that, Music heals".  That articles about how music helps, took me down my memory lane, when I landed up in the hospital bed, right from my class room, where I had been teaching.

I landed up in the hospital as i felt my whole class was swirling around me. After doctor had examined me, when I got up, I had started throwing up and the whole room was going around as if I had been in a merry-go-round ride. My doctor had then advised me to take an x-ray of my neck to rule out spondylitis. She had then confirmed that it was vertigo and I was admitted there for a day.

    The next day, I was discharged with an advice to see an Ear Specialist. In the evening I landed up at the clinic, where the specialist and his assistant examined my ears and made me listen to different sounds. After all that I was asked to follow the assistant to the next room, where he asked me to lie down. He told me that he would be injecting cold water into my ears to confirm vertigo.

The doctor went to the fridge and took out one ice cube, extracted the ice cold water from it and injected into my ears with a warning that I would feel the whole room swirling around me and to inhale and exhale through my mouth. He then went near the window, and picked up the guitar which was lying there and started playing such wonderful music, that I forgot all about my giddiness and concentrated on his music....I felt that I was no more feeling sick....then he repeated the same with the other ear.....

    It was that day,  I realized that music could divert your attention from your sickness and transport you to another world. It really eases your pain and makes you forget everything, that you feel relieved after listening to music. Even on my visits to the oncologist during my chemotherapy, the soft instrumental music played in his clinic, used to make me forget my pain and tiredness at least for sometime.

As quoted by Billy Joel, Music in itself is healing. It is an explosive expression of humanity. It is something we are all touched by.  No matter what culture we are from, everyone loves music".

The three magical A's : Appreciate, Acknowledge,Accept.

Appreciation can make a day, even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.
- Margaret Cousins

How true this quote is...
I feel it can change a person day and make it worthwhile with the "Three magical A's: Appreciate, Acknowledge, Accept..

Recently I had been to Hyderabad. One of the days I was there my niece and myself, went for a small shopping. It was the peak hours of shopping for everyone, being a Sunday. We walked into a shop and went to the first floor, where salwar sets and materials were kept, where there was just one lady as a sales woman. We went about seriously selecting a set, meanwhile the lady came and helped us with the materials. 

She was busy running between the customers. we selected our material and waited for the sale woman to be free. She finished her job with some customers and came to us with an apology for making us wait. She was very patient and full of smiles. She took us to the second floor to select the  materials and the duppattas. As we were walking upstairs we realized how tired and tanned the lady was, still giving every customer a broad smile.

She helped us with our selection and we made our way down to make the payment. My niece told her that she was very patient and helpful to us. We also thanked her for her services. After paying the bill, my niece told the shop owner that he had a wonderful sales woman, who was always smiling and willing to help. Not that the words of praise was going to get her a salary hike or something. But the owner would at least think of it and feel happy. But for that lady, that would have made her day. We never think of it when we ask them to take out so many things. A word of appreciation for their services would surely make them happy at least, feeling that someone has had the heart to notice it.

So is it with anyone else. Learn to appreciate, acknowledge someone's work and accept that  it is a good one by giving credit to that person. We don't lose anything by doing so.

A Lesson Learned

I happened to read a story of an eight year old, little girl, who turned out to be 'A little Angel', to sacrifice her lovely hair for the sake of her leukemia friend, who feared unintentional but cruel teasing from friends. To support her friend she shaved her hair. From the time I read this, it has put me to think. It is an eye opener and an awakening call for many of us.

  We adults only think of our hurts, ego and pride. How many of us would think like this little angel when we deal with our friends. We just want to do away with out hurt with an out pour of words, without even thinking  about the outcome of those words on the other person. However sick that person is, we don't bother about it.

As a cancer patient, I understand this, as I know about the trauma I have been through. However strong willed  and positive a person is, during the treatment, the trauma suffered makes them vulnerable both physically and psychologically. That is why doctors tell their family and friends to see that they are happy. A cancer patient is still at a risk, even after the treatment is over. And if someone has added health problems, the after effect also becomes painful to endure.

     One has to walk in their shoes to know the trauma they have gone through. We adults never bother about all these, once the patient is up and going around with their daily life. It could be because they don't want to be treated like a sick person. But the mental agony is always there, though they overcome it and never want to give up. When you are with such people, we should think of their welfare too.

        The moral support of family and friends count a lot for the well being of these people. Not that they need to be fussed and pampered upon. Just a wee bit of understanding can do wonders to boost the morale of a cancer patient.  It is a time when they are emotionally down too, if faced with hostility.The happiest of  people are not those who live on their own terms, but those who change themselves for the people they love.



Cancer taught me a lot of things in one year. I have learned that I am happy to just love and be loved by family and friends. I know I am unique, amazing and beautiful just the way I am now.

IN THE FACE OF DEATH.

"Let life be like music. 
And death a note unsaid.” 
― Langston hughes

When confronted with the reality of death and loss, we are forced to struggle with basic questions of meaning in  life. This struggle makes you question past, present and future values and relationships that you have.The truth of life is that when it ends, death engulfs you, nothing remains and you go away to the unknown. It is an inevitable fact of life.   

My first experience of death was my father's.  I didn't see him dying. He was a lucky man to have died peacefully in his sleep of a cardiac arrest. I was only told that grandfather was not well and I came to know the truth only when I reached home. He had bade us goodbye without a word, leaving all of us in a state of shock.  He looked so peaceful in his eternal sleep. It was the first  blow of life.

 The second blow fate gave,  was when my brother met with an accident and my cousin informed me he was in the hospital. I never knew the seriousness of the situation till I reached the hospital and saw him being taken to the ICU after a brain surgery. It was an accident, when something in the scooter snapped and he was thrown off the scooter to a height. A passenger in the passing bus felt it was someone he knew, stopped the bus and went to help my brother. His ears were bleeding, which was not a good sign. The person who came to help like a God sent Angel, couldn't get any conveyance to take him to the hospital till a goods carrier auto agreed to take him to the hospital. He was conscious till then, on his way to the hospital, he gave the number of his office and asked the person to inform and then lost his consciousness. When I saw him being taken to the ICU I sent for my mother and sons and also informed my brother and sisters. My mother was always near the ICU, getting a glimpse of her son who lived only for her. But the following night the doctors put a bombshell,  that they would do another brain surgery and  he would live but remain a vegetable for life. Our task was putting this across to mom. She told us that she didn't want to see him as a vegetable for life, a tough decision for a mother. So we told the doctors and he was left as he was in the ICU. The following day early morning, he passed away. When my mother knew, she only told me this, "I don't want to stay in this hospital where my son is no more alive. Take me home". My elder sister stayed back. My younger sister was yet to reach from the Gulf. My hubby, my eldest sister and hubby too reached in the morning. The biggest blow was for my mother, to lose her son.

     The third blow was my eldest sister's death to cancer. I was with her in the  journey through cancer. She was a person who never complained. But when I think of all her  treatment, somehow I now get a feeling she was just letting herself to be treated without a will to fight it out. May be due to the lamenting she always heard around her or she didn't want to go through with it.  It was in 1994, the cancer spread to her lungs and she had to undergo strong chemotherapy. After each Chemo it was like an exam for my nephew and me, waiting for her hemoglobin  count results. I don’t think we waited with so much anxiety even for out academic results. But in January 1995, her condition became worse. All relatives were around. We all stayed in the same place as our motive was just to be with her.

        After a few days hospitalization, the doctors felt there was no hope. She only wanted to come home. So she was brought to my house and all were around her. Her breathing used to be very heavy. She was happy to be home. One evening, she became worse. An ambulance was called for, but  before the ambulance could come she breathed her last right in front of our eyes. Her eyes and tongue just popped out and I told my nephew to keep calling her. My sister and myself started thumping on  her chest.  For a second her eyes became okay and then it closed and the tongue also went in. She had a peaceful look on her face. Today, when I think of it, I sometimes wonder how I got the strength to do what I did.

  That was the first time it hit me very badly thinking “Today you are here. Don’t know what the next minute would bring us”. It took a long time for me to come out of it. 
Today I feel that the ultimate truth is: “Life is a question, nobody can answer and Death is an answer, nobody can question it”.